SEATTLE (AP) – Seattle’s city government is mired in controversy today after officials from the Office of Equity and Human Rights shut down a lemonade stand run by two little girls after a complaint was filed against the pair for not catering a gay wedding.

The complainants, Chuck Levine and Larry Valentine, reported that they were unfairly and illegally discriminated against by the accused and their retail beverage distribution company, “Yumee Lemunayde.”

“We were driving through the neighborhood and saw these two cute little girls with their cute little cups and precious little pitcher of lemonade and their fabulous little hand-lettered sign with the atrocious spelling, and I told Larry that we HAVE to have these two cater our wedding,” said Levine. “I mean, it’s just not a wedding without lemonade. Although I suppose it’s not really a wedding without a bride, either, but my mom’s wedding dress makes me look hippy, so THAT’S not happening.”

“Anyway,” said Valentine, continuing Levine’s story, “we told the girls they were going to cater our wedding, and they just sort of looked at each other in horror, started crying, then ran inside yelling for their mommy. Well, mommy came out telling us they weren’t catering anything for us because ‘they’re only eight’. Although Chuck swears she said ‘they only hate’. Judging from their rude reaction, I think Chuck may have been right.”

“Well,” continued Levine, “we decided to let it slide, so we drove around for a while looking for a Christian bakery to do drinks for us, but some reason they’re all out of business now, so that was a bust. That’s when we decided to play hardball. I may not be the butchest belle at the ball, but I’m not going to get pushed around by a couple of 8 year olds. Even if they do have adorable matching outfits.”

The twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Johnson, seemed very upset by the experience.

“I don’t know HOW to crater a wedding! Is that like when they make holes in the moon? Do I have to go to the moon?” wailed Mary Kate.

“No,” corrected Ashley “it’s GATOR. I think those are shoes. Like Crocs, except uglier. I think they want us to pour the lemonade into shoes for them to drink out of. Grown-ups are weird.”

A spokesman for Country Time Lemonade’s #SaveLemonadeStands legal task force promised to represent the Johnson’s pro bono and vowed to “throw so many lawyers at those guys they’ll think they got run over by a rugby scrum.”

Although still considering options, Levine and Valentine implied they might be dropping the complaint.

“We actually found a cute little Muslim bakery in town that said they would help us,” said Levine. “Their only condition was that, after the wedding, we’d have to let them throw us off the roof. Which seemed a little odd, but Muslims get discriminated against a lot, too, so I feel like we owe it to them to respect their culture and beliefs.”

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