WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Even as Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer announced his support for slavery reparations, President Trump took to the White House Rose Garden to announce his support for the idea of socialists paying reparations to the victims of socialism.

“Slavery was a horrid institution,” said Trump, reading from a prepared statement, “but the idea of reparations for it is perfectly nonsensical. The 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments and America’s difficult post-Civil War Reconstruction period WERE America’s reparations for slavery. There are no living slaves. There are no living slave owners. We rightly ought to bury the claims of the dead with the dead, and move forward to a brighter future.”

“The same, however, cannot be said of socialism. Even though the abominable institution of socialism has filled, and continues to fill, mass graves on several continents, not all socialists – and not all of their victims – are dead. Some are alive. Alive in a sad, sorry, master-slave relationship no less vile and inhuman in principal than that which defined chattel slavery. Some victims were fortunate enough to have escaped socialist regimes. And yet there are still those who seek to perpetuate these failed experiments in human degradation here, on America’s shores.”

“To this, America says stop. No more. Not here. Not in our home.”

“Our constitution guarantees all citizens a Republican form of government. However, the tragic truth is that too many of our citizens, especially those in large cities – from New York to Portland, from New Orleans to Seattle, from Detroit to San Francisco, and dozens of cities in between – instead suffer under the crushing boot of a localized socialist dictatorship, complete with one-party rule and arbitrary persecutions. It is my intention to free these prisoners from their economic and political shackles.”

“Therefore be it resolved that, under my proposal, all open advocates of socialism will see their pay garnished by 50%, such monies to be placed in a trust fund used to compensate all business owners who can quantify or reasonably estimate their losses attributable to the laws, regulations, and enforcement procedures of any and all practicing socialists, whether they use the name itself or hide behind a more socially palatable euphemism.”

“Such practitioners will then be given the choice of one year in jail, participating in a public apology, or being publicly flogged. Actually, the choice will be which one comes first, because they’re getting all three.”

“Thank you. God bless you. And God bless these United States of America.”

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