WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – A federal judge has ruled that so-called “sanctuary cities” – which refuse to cooperate with federal authorities in turning over illegal immigrants – put their mayors in violation of the US Constitution’s Third Amendment, and that those mayors may be at risk of fines or jail time for depriving citizens of their rights. The Third Amendment reads “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

In a ruling being decried by liberals as “judicial overreach” and “legislating from the bench” Judge Richard Farris effectively closed the door on sanctuary cities in the US.

“It seems very straightforward to me,” said Farris, “although you do have to break it down a bit. First, we’re not a war, so ignore the last two clauses. Second, what is a ‘soldier’? Well, since legal precedent suggests that the ‘militia’ is made up of anyone who carries a gun, it stands to reason that a ‘soldier’ is someone who carries a gun. Or a knife. Or a sword cane. Or a floss pick. Pretty much any weapon, really. In fact, America’s TSA defines weapons to include knitting needles and fingernail clippers, so the definition of ‘soldier’ is pretty broad. Therefore, it also stands to reason that anyone who crosses the border into the US with anything pointy in his pocket can be considered a ‘soldier’ for legal purposes.”

“The next phrase, ‘quartered in any house’ – now THAT’S some plain language,” Farris said. “If there’s any soldier quartered anywhere in a sanctuary city, there’s a legal problem. Now in ‘without the consent of the owner’, things get a little tricky. The defense argued in this case that the Mayor is the de facto ‘owner’ of the city, so he’s allowed to consent. This court takes the opposite approach. The Mayor is the servant of the owners, and can consent to nothing. As for whether an individual property owner can consent without the permission of his neighbors, obviously the answer in this case is ‘no’, since having illegals in your house negatively affects your neighbors’ property values. The consent in this case must me unanimous.”

Therefore,” concluded Farris, “any Mayor who passes a sanctuary city law aids and abets criminal behavior which deprives citizens of their civil rights and he can be held legally liable, if convicted, on a case-by-case basis.”

Since the ruling, the Mayors of New York, Chicago, and San Francisco have gone into hiding, and are currently the focus of nationwide manhunts.

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, although usually reticent to comment on prospective cases, did offer a brief comment, saying “that’s the most convoluted mishmash of legal mumbo jumbo and pure made-up idiot garbage I’ve ever seen. On the other hand, Trump said that if he backed me through my confirmation, I’d owe him some border security. So if this hits the SCOTUS docket, I’m playing ball.”

Meanwhile, stock in Greyhound Bus Lines Inc. – most states’ deportation transportation of choice – rose 23 points in record trading.

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