It’s Sunday, so it’s time for more Bible quotes from the exclusive Catholic book of Tobit. Hooray!
1 The Lord once appeared to Tobit. In His mighty hand was a spear, which He then held out to the humble Tobit. 2 “Take this and hide it somewhere,” commandeth the Lord, “and, if anyone comes around asking about Me, say you ain’t seen Me.”
3 “Am I supposed to deny my lord?” asked Tobit as he accepted the spear. 4 “Why do you have to make things complicated, Tobit?” answered the Lord, “Just say you haven’t seen Me in the past day. And stash that spear someplace good or I swear to Me I’ll smite ya.”
5 “Uh… I will not fail thee, my Lord,” Tobit stated as he peered at the spear. 6 “You better not,” threatened the Lord, “now all I need is an alibi. Since I’m everywhere at once, I guess that means I always have an alibi… or does that mean I never have an alibi. Whatcha think, Tobit?”
7 “And what exactly is this all about, Almighty?” Tobit queried. 8 “This is not the time for questions, Toby!” the Lord said with a thunderous voice, “Man, I think I hear people coming. You just hide that spear, and I’ll handle the rest.”
9 “Whatever you command, Lord, it shall be done,” Tobit said, “For I am a…” 10 In a flash, though, the Lord was gone as there was a knock at Tobit’s door. Tobit dutifully hid the spear, and the Lord got away scott-free.
Frank, I believe the Orthodox use the deuterocanonicals as well.
It’s a good thing He has a sense of humor… or I’d suggest you be on the lookout for lightning bolts.
I’d have to agree with Russ on that one, Frank.
… or more hurricanes
Toby isn’t in the Cannon anyway… have yer fun Frank.
Bwah hahahaha
how come my Bible isn’t that ammusing? you’d think that the old testament would be alot more ammusing, considering the amount of smiting that is going on.
How would you mark God’s height on a police line-up, anyway?
You Catholics get all the good Bible! All my Bible has is a bunch of that “gave his only begotten son so that blah blah blah” nonsense. What the hell is that even supposed to mean?
I’m pretty sure that’s hovering between “blasphemy” and “heresy”
Chris D,
It means that God gave his only begotten son, so that whosoever believes in him shall have everlasting life.
The Bible, unlike the lame attempt here, has been right in prophecy for 3000 years. The entire prophecy has come to pas but one. The prophecy is for you to find out.
I’ll give you a hint though. It involves Israel and an army from the north.
Agnostic’s don’t believe in God.
Atheists claim to prove their is no God.
Which one are you Frank J?
Although this will fall on deaf ears, much the same as your liberal friends, I think mocking the Bible and the Lord are tastesless, not funny, and arrogant on your part. Go ahead and keep the foil hat on. This is truly offensive on an otherwise informative blog.
This making up Tobit quotes never went well in Bible study either.
Well, it’s better than when the atheists hammered me when I mentioned God.
Frank J has liberal friends?
Ron, I think you’re missing the point of this blog… it’s not supposed to be informative, it’s supposed to be funny.
Hmm…The other Tobit was funny…this one, I’m not sure about. I DO think that He has a sense of humor however, just my two cents.
But who does He have to answer to anyway? I think that’s why Frank J’s funny escaped me on this one.
I swear to Me I’ll smite ya.
Teehee. I must be very bad because I laughed. But I also don’t believe that Tobit is a canonized book either and I might not laugh if I considered it a sacred text. I hope that clears me of any accusations of heresy.
TOBIT IS NOT SCRIPTURE!!!!!
So who cares?
You start messing with the 66 authorized books in the Cannon and we are gonna have words!!
yawn
Tobit got shot out of the cannon centuries ago.
Look out! The ACLU is gonna censor us all!
Ron said”This is truly offensive on an otherwise informative blog.” dude, you’re taking this way too seriously. I believe I read in Frank’s FAQ that humor trumps all on this website. otherwise informative? are you blind to humor? Sure this website is informative, but otherwise informative? and do you know how many different paraphrases and translations there are of the Bible? One of them might as well be humurous.
lalalalalalal-i’mnotlistening-lalalalalalala
uh, I mean what ann said. basically.
66 authorized books? Authorized by whom exactly?
Tobit. Excellent apochypha! You can find it nestled between Kermit and Hobbit!
I`ve read Tobit, and THAT sir is no Tobit!!!
Ron, you’re not alone, and my ears are deaf to what you’re writing.
Frank, this is your blog, and you can write whatever you want. I don’t need to be reminded of your rights anymore than you do. America is the Tyranny of the Individual. IMAO is the Tyranny of Frank.
That being said, this line of blogging is inappropriate. Consider the incredible and wonderful creative force which spoke the universe into existance. Is it appropriate to joke about? Consider the fathomless love that your parents have for you, and multiply it by infinity. Would you take someone you loved you that much and frame them in a cheap comedy sketch?
The Tobit sketch is funny material, but it’s not material I can laugh along with when I consider the sublime nature of my creator. I hope you take some time to meditate on God also, and come to the same conclusion.
Keep up the otherwise good work.
Catholics aren’t the only one who read Tobit. The Episcopalians read it, too.
According to the OT appendix in my RSV (Catholic version, natch), Tobit, along with Judith and Esther, “appear together in the Greek Bible, usually after the historical books. The complete Aramaic original of Tobit and the Hebrew of Judith have not survived, and neither book was included in the Jewish canon at the end of the first century A.D. Existing as they did in the Greek Bible, they would have been used and recognized as Scripture by the first Christians….”
But since Tobit is “the story of a family living among a pagan people yet trusting fully in God in spite of difficulties”, the early Christians probably placed it near the Book of God’s Favorite Roman Diners and the Book of Job Openings in Anatolia.
Those last two books, I need not mention, did not make it into the deuterocanonical apocrypha.
God does have a sense of humor. Consider the French. At least you people are reading something other than Time or Sports Illustrated.
John beat me to the cannon jokes:
I don’t have any information on that, but Tobit is still in the Canon and won’t be going anywhere.
It’s pretty funny… but I hope you have a lightning rod on your house anyway.
Someone is impersonating me-
No respect I tell ya
WTF?
Frank,
It’s good that God has a sense of humor
(why else do you think john kerry’s on the planet?)
Come folks lighten up ! What diffrence is there between FrankJ’s Tobit jokes and all the jokes about God and the Jews ? It is not as if FrankJ. is trying to pass this off as the gospil as so many people do with their diffrent and compeating brands of Christionanity.
“That being said, this line of blogging is inappropriate. Consider the incredible and wonderful creative force which spoke the universe into existance. Is it appropriate to joke about? Consider the fathomless love that your parents have for you, and multiply it by infinity. Would you take someone you loved you that much and frame them in a cheap comedy sketch?”
Oh, I don’t know. My mom died last year, and I can say with absolute certainty that the times we laughed together are my fondest memories. Laughter is one of God’s greatest blessings – it unites us in a very basic, human way. It allows us to stand up to otherwise crushing life-events with Grace and hope that things will be better. The ability to convey humor and elicit laughter is a very human act.
But to do so at His expense? Personally, I think He might actually enjoy it, provided it’s done tastefully. 😉
To use your model, of the “fathomless love” of my parents, would I have ever dared make a joke at my mom’s expense, lest I jeopardize her love for me? Uh, HELL yeah!
My mother died just a year ago this next week (Oct 19th). She had undergone a series of surgeries the previous year to correct an aortic aneurysm – quite successfully, but which required a colostomy be performed. She was miserable, and decided she wanted the colostomy reversed ASAP. When finally she was cleared for the reversal, she was scared but adamant that she was going through with the surgery. I talked with her on the telephone at length the night before, as I live over 2,000 miles away.
We both knew the stakes of the surgery being performed, but I cracked, “Don’t worry, Mom. When you wake up, it’ll all be behind you!”
(Get it?)
Crass, perhaps, but she laughed a little. Then it sunk-in and she really laughed. Then she said “I love you. I’ll talk to you after the surgery is done. I love you.”
(I love you too, Mom. And I miss you.)
Those were the last words my mother and I exchanged before she died as a result of complications of the surgery. I made a scatalogical joke, and she laughed. Then we said aloud what we both always knew.
Her laughter is what I hear most clearly when I think of her. We loved to laugh together, even though so often, she was the object of my (often twisted) humor. She knew that I was so comfortable with our relationship that I could joke with her, and humor is how we often expressed our love.
Your model comforts me, because I like to believe that my relationship with God is much the same. God gave me the ability to laugh, so I figure he wants me to share that laughter every bit as much with Him as I do my other gifts. However, I do concede that a line of propriety does exist…
When I was going through a particularly rough time in my life, a dear friend made an attempt to comfort me by chiming, “God only puts on your shoulders what burden He knows you can carry, then He will help you carry it if you let Him.” Ignoring the latter part of the message and paying attention solely to my own condition (which I was then adamant about shouldering alone) I quipped, “In that case, I’m giving God some glasses when I see him, ’cause obviously he seems to think my shoulders look a lot BIGGER from his vantage point!” Guess what? He showed me just how much bigger my shoulders really are. THEN he did indeed help me carry the burden. (Thank’s again, Lord!) :]
Since then, I still recognize and enjoy God’s humor, but I am a little more careful about watching that I don’t cross that line. I guess you just have to know for yourself where that line lies…
My recommendation to Frank:
Just don’t make fun of His eyesight – He REALLY doesn’t like that! 😉
i’ve always figured God had a sense of humor. i mean, look at the platapus, heck, all marsupials. spare parts of all other animals, and he put almost all of them in the same place. i figure, as long as you aren’t trying to belittle God, its probably alright.
Rest In Peace, Superman. The world will miss you.
btw…. i just saw on fox news that Christopher Reeve just passed away. I’m bummed.
puschmj: Possums (or O-possums for those of us that live up North) are marsupials, and they live all over these United States of America. Also, the Platypus is not a marsupial, it and the Spiny Echidna are the only known mammals that lay eggs. No pouch, no marsupial. Dont piss off the Platypus, however, since it is the only known mammal that has a venemous defense strategy.
but I agree with you that God does have a sense of humor, or the human race would have been scrapped long ago.
god = funny. the fact that we laugh and joke and we are made in his image means that some of our humor must be from god. Assume christian theology. I dunno nothin bout them other religions.
Umm… I’m pretty sure Tobit is still part of Catholic Canon. I think they’re referred to as Deutercanonical, where the protestants who think of them as non-Canon call them Apocryphal.
In any case, I’ve read Tobit for weddings and I don’t recall this bit… 🙂
While some seem to like mentioning Maccabees, I like the Book of Wisdom.
of course he has a sense of humor. and he likes keeping people off balance. Look at the 10 commandments. Killing, stealing, adultery and bearing false witness are not even in the top 5! So He actually thought it out and said
“First things first, I don’t want anybody making fun of me.”
Then, later, as and afterthought…”Oh yeah, and don’t kill anybody either, or steal their stuff.”
here is a legitimate quote from the second amendment about bowing to any other gods;
“I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.”
Jealous God? I thought jealousy was a deadly sin. Pride and hubris one of the vices. and the part about if you piss him off he will take it out on your kids, your grandkids and your great grandkids because he knows how to throw a real tantrum and hold a grudge.
SO, if your great grandpa ever worshipped another god, it doesn’t matter what you do! God’ll have your ass anyway so don’t bother going to church, joining a convent, or becoming a minister.
C’mon! of course he is kidding in all this! Even crazy people will let your grandkids off the hook for something you did.
Sheesh. I didn’t expect this kind of contraversy over this little post, and my dumb little comment in response.
Ah, too many folks have a problem with their underwear bein’ too tight.
If Frnak were Jewish he’d be quoting the little-known Book of Seymour, and the less-known Book of Irving.
The Book of Seymour has never been translated but it’s a retelling of the story of Job, a direct ancestor of mine, Through the generations the family has passed his last will and testement down. The last line in that will says: “I bequeath my funny to Frnak and my troubles to Peter.”
um, i thought it was funny.
and i’m pretty sure god would find it funny too, even if some folks in the audience are a bit anal-retentive
Tobit had a cousin named Fourbit
Dave in Texas, that was funny.
Proof that God has a sense of humor:
He made Giraffes, and the platypus…er.. platypi
IT’S MIND-BOGGLING! The Bible is not one book, but a library of 66 books written over a 1500-year period in 3 languages by 40 authors living in 10 different countries. The authors’ works include history, mystery, romance, poetry, prose, and even humor! A cast of 2,930 characters are depicted in 1,551 places. How did this amazing collection ever come about?
IT’S MIND-BOGGLING! The Bible is not one book, but a library of 66 books written over a 1500-year period in 3 languages by 40 authors living in 10 different countries. The authors’ works include history, mystery, romance, poetry, prose, and even humor! A cast of 2,930 characters are depicted in 1,551 places. How did this amazing collection ever come about?
that’s weird, I didn’t mean to post that twice.
Fast Facts on the Bible
Haha, joke’s on you all: FIRST!
God doesn’t have a sense of humor? Have you seen the size of the pit in an avocado?