Headlines fun! I took a stab at some more:
Peterson jury recommends death sentence
“You just got to try it; it’s fabulous,” one juror was heard to say.
* * * *
Bush taps EPA chief
Bush then laughs as EPA chief turns to look to his left while Bush stands to his right.
* * * *
Reformer wins surprise victory in Romania
Most people didn’t even know there was a vote on.
* * * *
Europeans restart talks with Iran
“So… uh… how’s your wife been?” first awkwardly uttered line.
* * * *
Judge Rejects Maryland Spam Law
“But we don’t like Spam!” frustrated Marylanders exclaim.
Here are what I thought were the best ones from yesterday’s comment section. They make The Tarantor’s job look easy.
Leavitt Tapped for HHS.
tomorrow he’ll do interpretive dance for HUD.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:35 PM
From the Savannah Morning News:
“Troup Square residents want their armillary back”
Meanwhile, the rest of Georgia wants to know what the hell an armillary is.
Hey, you didn’t say it had to be national news.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 02:38 PM
Man, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea.
unconfirmed reports state he lived the other 701,262 hours on land.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:40 PM
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A61083-2004Dec13.html?nav=headlines
Title: Gaza Violence Dents Hopes of Middle East Peace.
…but they left a note on the windshield so it’s OK.
Posted by: FormerHostage on December 13, 2004 02:46 PM
Kids shun libraries for online information
Libraries ‘lack of porn’ is cited as top reason.
Posted by: gaskar on December 13, 2004 02:49 PM
Government Must Do More to Prevent Future Voter Fraud
President Bush to outlaw elections in Chicago and at Wizbang.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:56 PM
Breast Cancer Test Predicts Who Will, Won’t, Benefit From Chemo
among those listed as not benefiting are those without cancer.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:00 PM
Jury Reaches Sentence Decision
recommends capitalizing first letter and ending with period.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:03 PM
[Ed. Note: SarahK should try using their reccomendation.]
Pakistan: No CIA Bases Here
that you know of.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:05 PM
School v. God
my odds are on God.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:09 PM
Phishing Scams Continue to Grow
– If you belive you’ve been the victim of a Phishing Scam, please send your name, address, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Mother’s maiden name, account information, and PIN to….
Posted by: FormerHostage on December 13, 2004 03:21 PM
Studies show Weblogging to be addictive
FDA hopes to approve patch…
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 03:22 PM
From MSNBC.com:
FBI: U.S. Murder Rate Declining
Democrats blame White House for outsourcing
Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 13, 2004 03:33 PM
From MSN:
“Mars findings spark ‘second genesis’ debate”
Single Tobit theroy unshaken
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 03:37 PM
From The Washington Post:
“9/11 Cases Proving Difficult in Germany”
The other 2/11 were easy.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 03:54 PM
Japan jumps on Sony’s PSP” -CNET News.com
Japan now reading the warranty card.
Posted by: siklilpig on December 13, 2004 04:25 PM
US Denies Meddling in Ukraine Election
President Bush says he found “Go Yushchenko” t-shirt at garage sale, couldn’t resist bargain.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 04:59 PM
Review: Two musicians, dying young
we thought it was a riot!
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 05:13 PM
Study: Christmas deadliest day for Americans
MSM blames the joooooos!
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 05:16 PM
Men Who Remarry Tend to Gain Weight, Ignore Health
women who remarry tend to gain weight, ignore husband.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 09:44 PM
[Ed. Note: What’s this supposed to mean?]
Migraines May Increase Stroke Risk
so may raising the blood pressure of migraine-sufferers by telling them they’re going to die of stroke.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 09:46 PM
From BBC:
“China ‘no longer needs food aid'”
U.S. children no longer have to finish their peas.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 09:56 PM
From BBC:
“Mobile multimedia slow to catch on”
Montgomery, Birmingham, and Tuscaloosa multimedia doing just fine.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 10:00 PM
Gay pastor dispute divides Methodists
the pastors are fighting over wallpaper colors.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 10:09 PM
Kenyans Revolt againts President due to Excessive Lions Running Rampant:
Former dictator Moi: This is the first instance I know of the reign being called on account of the game…
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 10:17 PM
From Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
“Pa. Police Apologize for Scissors Arrest”
Arrest of glue and sparkles still under investigation.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 10:47 PM
From CNN:
“Earthquake jostles El Salvador”
El Salvador responds, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 11:01 PM
Accountants found to excel in math
Also found that there are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 11:03 PM
HEADLINE: Flu shot supply grows as demand dwindles.
FOLLOWUP: Newly developed technique creates vaccine from the blood of dead flu victims.
Posted by: Brian on December 14, 2004 12:04 AM
Immigrant Aliens Angry over Sprint Wireless Cell Phone Plan:
Not allowed to phone home…
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 06:11 AM
Six Flags Hosting “Pagan Day Only” in Mass.
Parking lot reads: Witch parking only, all others will be toad…
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 06:26 AM
FIRST
Good job cheese. Let’s the FIRST!! wagon train rolling again. Hyah, hyah!!
Indeed…
Sum caseus maximus!
Man bites dog, police say
Man bites police, dog laughs.
Stupid, I know, but this is addictive! I think you stumbled onto something here Frank.
cheese,
That ain’t gonna win you no book when the contest post comes.
gaskar,
I think you’re right. Maybe I’ll make it a regular feature for reader input.
“China ‘no longer needs food aid'”
U.S. children no longer have to finish their peas.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 09:56 PM
This will be the highlight of my day. I’m still laughing.
I agree with coloradoguy. Basil, that’s some good stuff.
Fed Likely to Keep Hiking Rates Into 2005
They will Hike the Grand Canyon in 2006, Footballs 2007
Fox: Breast Implant, Suicide Link Explored.
Exploring a woman’s breast can get you killed.
Michael Jackson seeks trial delay
Former King of Pop noticably distraught when closing his eyes and clicking heels did not work.
from Wash. Times
‘Frivolous lawsuit’ irks Pentagon: Leftists target Rumsfeld
Rumsfeld targets reporters. Pentagon Chief proves to be better shot. Firefight over in seconds.
From FoxNews:
“Mars Rovers See Water-Linked Material”
Scientists name it “mud.”
CNN: Peterson’s lack of emotion doomed him.
Using his wife as an anchor probably didn’t help.
From CNN:
“Martin Scorsese is still learning”
Hopes to be able to pronounce his name by end of spring.
Fed raises rate.
Madonna raises skirt. Onlookers shield eyes.
MSNBC: France opens worlds tallest bridge
Invading German armies can now see white flags hanging from 50% further away than on old bridges.
From Washington Post:
“Worlds Tallest Bridge Inaugurated”
… despite DNC demands for recount.
“Twin Sisters Deliver Sets of Twin Boys”…
in 30 minutes or less, or they’re free!!!
From the Washington Post:
“Muslim Scholar Gives Up Notre Dame Post”
Just the latest setback in school’s attempt to hire a football coach.
MSNBC: Wash. Court rejects Democratic suit in recount
rules that only conservative clothing has voting rights.
From MSN: George Michael Slams Elton.
Elton responds by bitch-slapping him.
Phil Collins to release song on Cuban immigration
Its no fun being an illegal, Elian…
(OK, not a real headline, but it should have been.)
From the Washington Post:
“Microsoft Unveils Software to Find Files”
New software, priced at $129, is called: DIR /O/A/S/P
Star power in “Meet the Fockers”
James Brolin to star in sequel, “Meet the Mother Focker’s Focker.”
Best resorts for early season snow
Vacationers high on Peruvian tourism
From NY Times: United and Pilots Reach Tentative Labor Deal:
“You fly de plane = We pay you de money.”
(After we find de money.)
From Scrappleface:
Dean Makes Bid to Take Democrat Party National
Kerry Expected To Match Bid
CNN:
Man bites dog, police say
Dog recieves rabies shot, man put to sleep
Another deadly bomb hits Green Zone
Soldiers Reminisce On Days of Safe Bombs
Yushchenko aide ‘warned of danger’
Aide thanks transportation ministry for yellow lights
K, back to work
From USA Today:
“Python accidentally shipped”
John Cleese re-packed in peanuts, returned.
Pam Gets a Sitcom
Mazola recieves three picture deal.
From: ConfederateYankee.blogspot.com: Happy Armed Jews Week!
Unhappy Headless Hamas Week yet to be scheduled.
From USA Today:
“Diet-Parkinson’s may be linked”
Evidence of hyphen confirmed.
McCain: ‘No confidence’ in Rumsfeld
These were the last known words of the late senator. His body was found today along with a note which contained this cryptic message: “I am Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this guy …”
i posted these at my blog earlier… and i’m thinking of having a regular This Just In feature myself, to keep from clogging your comments…
Google to Scan Rare Books
why don’t they just read the Cliffs Notes?
Twins Deliver Twins, Today
sister storks very proud to carry matching babies.
Ukraine Opposition Expands – Poisoning Hard to Prove
Russian doctors say traces of hemlock and arsenic in Yushchenko’s blood probably from childhood vaccine.
No More ‘Sopranos’
fine then! we sing alto better too! we can be divas without hitting that high D. punks.
Kraft Raises Coffee Prices on Rising Bean Cost
what?? Kraft has products other than Macaroni ‘n’ Cheese Cheese ‘n’ Macaroni??
Former Bush Campaign Chief Pleads Innocent
… to losing!
Blockbuster Ending Late Fees
leg-breaking will replace it as the on-time returns incentive.
From The Milwaukee Channel:
“Missing Wisconsin Man Finds Self”
Seeks reward.
From WESH:
“Investigators Search Shelves For Recalled Toys”
All researchers at Cracker Barrel remembered Slinky and Mr. Potato Head, but only a few recalled Woolie Willie.
i loved woolie willie!
From MSNBC: New cookbooks will warm winter days
Environmentalists plan to protest
From Local6:
“God Used To Sell Food On Controversial Billboard”
… but quit to spend more time with His Family.
basil, You are tooooooo funny!!!! What a gift!!
From CNNmoney:
“Fed raises another quarter”
Budget deficit now stands at $115,199,999,999.75
From the New York Times:
“Democrats Say They’ll Assume Watchdog Role”
Previous role as special interests lapdog yet to be filled.
From the New York Times:
“College Fails in Bid to Grow Marijuana”
At least, that’s the explanation they gave for the missing plants.
“BBC viewing figures fall to all-time low”…
Scientists stymied as to how viewership can fall below zero.
France Blocks Hezbollah TV
Hezbollah kicks France’s ass then continues watching.
Hey, Mr. Bubles tweaked one of my blog’s headlines! It’s link I’m almost impotent…
…or even almost important….
Bush Awards Freedom Medal
congratulates freedom on being “really cool.”
Christmas Tree Bark May Fight Arthritis
guaranteed to scare cats.
From Drudgereport.com:
Taxi Driver Shoots Man in Bin Laden Mask.
You’d think a taxi driver in a Bin Laden mask would have gotten shot first…
What Lindsay Lohan has to say
” “
From FoxNews:
“Flu Shot Supply Grows, but Demand Withers”
“I’ll not go quietly,” singer responds.
Highly impressed with SarahK’s math. Even factored in Leap Year Days.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Docs gets bug drunk to remove it from boy’s ear
Roach to enter AA next tuesday
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1152158,00050004.htm
Peterson facing long road to execution
Decides to take first left and go back to California.
(Personally, I’d keep going straight)
From MSNBC:
“Coke, rivals see market for flavored water”
Sheepishly admit they never realized why their products were selling before now.
Alcoholism, overeating chemically linked
Pizza-eating, beer-guzzling college students undeterred.
From MSN:
“Kitty says ‘Hello’ via cell phone”
Matt, Festus amazed.
Fla. man allegedly bites dog as punishment
Same man later found torn to pieces. Chomps unavailable for comment.
Hey, this is fun! Too bad I gotta go. Y’all save me some headlines, kay?
From MSN/PCWorld:
“Tracking Spam to Its Source”
The Hormel Company is finally located.
Gosh-darn-it, Frank J., I wish I had thought of this! You guys that run humor sites are too much.
FOX News
“La. Judge Suspended for Wearing Blackface”
Charges were dropped when it was discovered he really was black.
Climate Change Impact? Look in Your Backyard
yup. looks colder.
AP: “Celebrities Offer Brief Relief for U.S. Troops in Iraq”
Grateful troops state that it gets quite irratating going “commando”.
REAL BREAKING NEWS:
FROM RACHEL LUCAS:
“I’M BLOGGIN AGAIN, AND THIS TIME I’M PISSED!”
THIS IS NOT ANOTHER FALSE START! SHE HAS A NEW URL, A NEW TITLE, AND EVERYTHING!
BLUE-EYED INFIDEL
NHL players’ offer won’t defrost owners
try microwaving.
From ABC News:
“Next-Generation Mammogram More Accurate, Less Painful”
Rand, Chapel happy for Troi, Crusher.
The Jerusalem Post
“Israel, Egypt sign trade accord”
Egypt to increase olive exports to Israel by 10%.Israel to increase export of AIDS virus to Egypt by 17%.
In Risky Move, AOL To Remove Walls
Plans to keep floors, ceiling
Headline, Akron Beacon Journal 12/14/2004:
Sudan: UN Suspends Aid Relief Work
Followup: Expected Drop In Sudanese Birth Rate
From ABC News:
“Antarctic Penguin Chicks Face Starvation”
ABCNews.com recycles previous night’s “Futurama” episode; tomorrow’s news: Robot crosses picket line.
Wife regrets husband’s $314M lottery windfall
Wife’s Chief Complaint, Nothing Left To Complain About.
UN Calls for Immediate End to Congo Fighting
Fighting stops, Combatants Laugh, Fighting Resumes.
“Elton John cancels second concert date due to a throat infection.”
Doctor recommends he cut back on incessant screaming and semen consumption.
Moe, that was fantastic! Kudos to you, too, spacemonkey, though it was a bit too realistic.
Annan’s son blasts UN OIL-FOR-FOOD ‘witchhunt’…
Also in the news, Osama Bin Laden blasts US for unfounded terror “witchhunt”
Maybe my funny has rubbed off on my readers…
Perhaps so. Need put put something on it so it doesn’t hurt so much. You got any Tiger Balm I can borrow?
Oh gross! Frank, you got it all over me!
“Angels ink pitcher Byrd”
Byrd pissed about being inked, says it’s “a b*tch to wash off.” Vows payback.
Google to scan books from major libraries
to prove new technologies in scanning better than reading
Update: minor libraries upset at being snubbed
NBC: Diabetes vaccine trials to begin soon
this blockbuster sequel to the Peterson trial is given rave reviews
Today: Get the biggest bang for your charity buck
support global terrorism
a message paid for lefty tards
MSNBC: Best resorts for early season snow
Last resorts for late season snow
Clicked: Bloggers aren’t people
“No, we are space aliens come to kidnap you for live fire handgun tests. We are tired of using silhouette targets.” -FrankJ and the IMAO T-shirt Babe
(The above was overheard by an anonymous source)
Lame-duck appointment to airport panel assailed
— Mayor thought he had appointed RightWingDuck.
Report: Fewer executions in 2004
— Texas vows to pick up the pace
Iraq trials on tap
Guinness and Budweiser dismiss new “Iraq Trials” as cheap Muslim beer.
Famed New York Hawk Could Regain His Perch
— Moovin on uup! back to the Eastside!
Polar iceberg putting penguins in peril
…but big beautiful brown bears believed to be battling bravely.
Fed raises another quarter
State ups them a dime. County calls, shows straight flush
Italians want fruitcake “monopoly”
Rest of world quickly agrees on the condition that the fruitcakes remain in Italy.
United, pilots reach tentative deal
United, we can achieve anything! Even the pilots!
Joker in Bin Laden Mask Shot
Riddler in Arafat mask and Penguin in Saddam mask escaped the scene on foot.
U.S. Makes Immigrants Fat
New INS strategy not working very well as starving people continue to arrive.
Ukraine Opposition Expands
They were recent immigrants to the U.S.
Vote for which Bulls & Bears prediction is most likely to come true
Blackhawks unavailable due to season lockout
Hundreds of U.N. Troops Storm Haiti Slum
Unilateral invasion condemned by U.S.
Palestinian militants set off bomb as a warning
Israeli soldiers blow up thirty Hamas training camps. “We got your message”
Kay, I think I’m caught up now. Time to go back to pestering Frank for happy dance.
CNN
“Hollywood steps up piracy fight”
Blackbeard and Captain Kidd remain defiant.
Jack Sparrow unavailable for comment.
This is Spectacular … You’ve all made my day !!!
From ABC News:
“Is American Elementary Education Good Enough?”
86% of public school teachers surveyed say yes, 48% say no.
Interceptor Missile Fails To Launch In Test
target says ” That’s OK, but you really should try Viagra”
sorry, that was bad.
Bush’s Medal Of Freedom Recipients Hammered By Left
but then they threw a right…and a left…and another right…and landed one right on the Lefties’s jaw….and the fight was over in the first round….news at 11:00
yeah, this IS a lot of fun! looking forward to more headline posts!
3 Ghosts of Bush’s Recent Past
i thought it was one from the past, one from the present, and one from the future…silly me.
You all about made me spew coffee on my moniter at work this morning!
if I had to pick a favorite I think it would have to be:
Fed raises another quarter
State ups them a dime. County calls, shows straight flush
Posted by Army NCO Guy at December 14, 2004 08:32 PM
Classic!
Yay! Brad make people laugh!
…sorry about your monitor. And your wasted coffee.
Original: Judge Suspended For Wearing Blackface To Party
Followup: Suspension repealed, Ginsburg to apologize to Thomas for “mistake”