Welcome to IMAO, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to talk about what’s happening in the world today.
Here in California, the big news is the rainstorm that is setting records everywhere.
In fact, as an emergency plan, the LA City Council was going to make an ark and put two of every animal in it. Unfortunately, a big stink was raised when local politicians found out that the animal pairs were all heterosexual!
So now it’s caught up in petty bickering.
What’s strange about the California real estate market is this – if you see a house with a red tag it doesn’t mean its on sale!
Sadly, many homes here have been ‘red tagged’ — meaning they are marked for demolition. Usually, these are homes that are sliding or are about to slide into other homes.
Sure, California has class. But we still have mobile homes.
Oh, and now they’re saying we might get tornados!! Man, those mobile homes would come in handy right now. We need decoys!!
**
New York has the Gates exhibit up for the next few days.
It is put on by the artist Cristo. This exhibit features over 46 miles of brightly colored cloth in individual segments along all of the footpaths.
When torn down, the panels will be sold to Michael Moore — so he can make a pair of pants.
New York rolled out the red carpet for Olympic Officials.
It didn’t go as smoothly as the NY officials had hoped. On the first day, the Olympic committee was witness to an actual crime.
Good news. The New Yorkers played it off very smoothly. In fact so smoothly, that NY might be the one to introduce a new Olympic Event: Purse Snatching.
It’ll be cool. Snatch a purse and run the 100 yard dash through a busy crowd.
And if you use actual Olympic fans for the crowd, not only is it a great athletic event — and a wonderful way to give the people a great view.
But not in NY, cause normally people don’t see anything.
It’s going to take a lot of work to bring the Olympics to New York. Utah did it — but they had a secret weapon — bribe money!
“Welcome to New York. The World’s Second Home.”
“I’m poor. I don’t have a second home.”
“Hmmm. Well, looky what I have here.. .a set of keys!”
**
A poll is out showing that America just might be ready for a female president.
The Democrats are squealing with delight — and that’s just John Edwards.
Don’t get too excited folks. This is just the media’s attempt to get people ready for the other Clinton. Don’t believe me? The other poll question was, “Would you vote for somebody whose name rhymed with Nillory Hinton?”
A female president would be cool. We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.
Downside, it would be rough work on the Secret Service. They’d spend most of their time moving furniture.
**
Bush visited with French President Jacques Chirac. They had dinner of Lobster Risotto. It was all going well until George said, “Man, this is great Freedom Food.”
This trip is really showing us the nature of our allies. The Belgian government uses little George Bush targets in all of their government building urinals.
So these stickers are in all the urinals, but do you want to hear the really embarrassing news? The stickers were a Democratic fundraiser.
Nobody minded, however there was however a moment of awkwardness when George went to the local restroom.
He stood in front of it and paused. Finally he said, “Wow, these urinals are so clean; I can see my face in these!”
**
The FBI believes that Paris Hilton may have lost her cell phone password for her T-Mobile Sidekick. As you know, her phone was hacked and the information was posted on the internet, including her digital pictures and a bunch of celebrity phone numbers.
I blame T-mobile. The manual says, “Guard your password the way you would guard your virtue” See, that was a mistake. This girl isn’t modest.
About the only thing you can’t find online is the latest Paris Hilton Pap smear.
But then you look at digital picture number 12.. and there it is.
**
New York is hosting a toy fair.
Did you know that Monopoly has been around for 75 years? In fact, today, John Kerry asked Congress to investigate how Monopoly could have a monopoly for such a long period of time.
All is going good.
There was some difficulty when they kept finding the Lindsay Lohan dolls at the open bar– but otherwise all is going smoothly.
Of course, all of the action figures are wearing yellow ribbons — to remember the GI Joe who was taken prisoner.
**
The British are trying to recruit more gay people into their navy. That is so Fabu!
In England, you are allowed to serve if you are openly gay. Now, the navy is reaching out by taking out ads in gay magazines.
This has inspired ad campaigns such as:
“Shower with 50 men” and “Not a woman in sight for miles and miles”
My favorite: “Do you love seamen as much as we do? We may have the right career for you–”
At one of her farewell concerts, Cher called Britney and J-Lo ‘Ho’s“. I know there is an age difference, but hardly worth the name calling. They are all artists. Britney starred in Crossroads, J-Lo starred in a few films, and Cher inspired the all time classic movie- To Wong Foo.
Thankfully, Cher said all of this at her farewell tour in front of 20,000 people.
They weren’t fans, they just wanted to make sure she was really leaving this time.
BTW, technically, J-Lo is not a ‘ho’. Sure, she’s slept with 63 different men — however, in each case, she was married to them!
**
A new survey shows that parents are very blasé about their kids drug use.
They’re saying that since parents probably tried drugs, they don’t see it as a big deal.
Is this how far we’ve come?
“I found these drugs in your drawer. Where did you get these drugs?”
“Billy’s Dad–”
“This is poison. Billy’s dad sells poison! You should buy from Johnny’s dad. He’s got the really good stuff.”
I can just see the new ads already.
This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
This is your dad telling you to hurry up and eat your brains.
**
That’s all folks.
Thanks for dropping by. Remember – if anything made you laugh (and something did because you’re not made out of stone, right?) go ahead and mention your favorite joke in comments.
First?
Paying a female president less 🙂 I like!
And, i like your roundups. Well done!
Keep up the good work Ducky and maybe next time you will be quoted on a network that people really watch i.e. Fox News.
This is your dad telling you to hurry up and eat your brains.
Thank you Ducktor Lecter!
“A female president would be cool. We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.”
Laughing at that one earned me a dozen “gonna sleep on the couch points”.
Thanks a LOT 😛
Really enjoyed this. Good writing!
Ducky Lecter. Bwu ha ha.
I like it.
Harvey, that’s okay. You can giggle on the couch.
My favorite: “Do you love seamen as much as we do? We may have the right career for you–”
Oh my gosh!! That is soooo gross!! Why am I laughing?? Stop it! Stop it! Slap! Slap! (Ouch!)
“Not a woman in sight for miles and miles”
LOL! That’s funny! and GROSSS!!!
“I found these drugs in your drawer. Where did you get these drugs?”
“Billy’s Dad–”
“This is poison. Billy’s dad sells poison! You should buy from Johnny’s dad. He’s got the really good stuff.”
LOL!!!
Wow, these urinals are so clean; I can see my face in these!
A female president would be cool. We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.
Unfortunately, a big stink was raised when local politicians found out that the animal pairs were all heterosexual!
These things make me laugh…nice ducky.
Hey,
I’m still not used to this increase in posting, could you use something bigger or darker to separate the different topics in the roundup?
Just a thought, keep up the good work.
I didn’t think that Belgium was a country. Are you sure you have that right?
My favorite “Oh, and now they’re saying we might get tornados!! Man, those mobile homes would come in handy right now. We need decoys!!”
This was my favorite: “Of course, all of the action figures are wearing yellow ribbons — to remember the GI Joe who was taken prisoner.”
Also all the ones other people mentioned.
I can’t remember when I laughed this hard. But I’ve been drinking heavily so I can’t remember what I was doing 10 minutes ago. Seriously, liked the line about the female president.
From the “Actually sounds like something I could see CNN asking” dept. – The other poll question was, “Would you vote for somebody whose name rhymed with Nillory Hinton?” – I liked that one.
But one question remains: who in the world is Dillory Shinton, and why would anyone vote for her for president? Is there something I’m missing?
Also, was “Unfortunately, a big stink was raised when local politicians found out that the animal pairs were all heterosexual!” a Simpsons reference? Very funny either way.
The whole female president and drug part at the end had me laughing hard.
The “See, that was a mistake. This girl isn’t modest.” after the “Guard your password the way you would guard your virtue” seemed like too much explaining the obvious… unless you were trying to explain the obvious as a joke. Either way, I’d drop that.
It’s all good.
I was a bit harsh with the watering down the brand comment a while back.
I want to apologize to all the new funny
I also enjoyed your “retraction” on the NHL.
Now excuse me while I hurry up and eat my brains…NOT. I learned my lesson like the president did – the hard way.
It’s like the turtle said to Bugs Bunny: “Clean livin’, boy…clean livin’!”
“This is your brain…
This is your brain on drugs…
this is your dad telling you to hurry up and eat your brains…”
ROFL
Insant classic!
Hey, Frank J. Since you’re here, I wanted to tell ya. Since you started reading the Bible, I decided to start with the New Testament for a change because I always start with the Pentateuch and I get bored and it all falls apart. The thing is that Jesus ROCKED. I don’t get how people didn’t get his straightforward (almost sarcastic and harsh) speak. Reminds me of W. It’s not hippie at all! He shook it all up. I’m just sorry it took me so long to just read it.
Matthew 10:34 – 36: “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
Perhaps Cher’s comments would have carried more weight had they not come from someone who’s bounced off rock star c**k like a friggin’ pinball.
Okay. I guess Frank J went to bed. 🙁
Chirac presented Bush with the sidearm that he carried in WW II, saying: “It’s never been fired, and only been dropped once.”
“… just might be ready for a female president.” What! Not again already! We just barely got rid of the last female president. America is NOT ready to try that again. Not even close, and I for one am offended at the thought.
Oh wait, nevermind. That last one technically wasn’t female, ‘the absence of balls does not a woman make’ – I believe Abraham Lincoln said that.
“I can see my face in these”
teehee! I mean, Hah!
The drug jokes were the best
I liked the part about the secret service moving furniture, especially since it would be true.
Also like the gay navy stuff.
But most were at least good for a smile
“this is great freedom food”…great stuff.