Selecting the new pope is an important process, so important I wrote a haiku about it:
Time for a new pope.
Cardinals all together.
I like jelly beans.
Now for precise pope picking, it’s best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit. That may take too long, though, so I bet many cardinals are turning to IMAO for advice, and I won’t disappoint.
FRANK TIPS FOR PICKING THE POPE
* The pope should be as much like Jesus as possible. That means picking someone who is Jewish.
* Make sure whomever you select isn’t actually a bear in disguise because then he may maul someone and be an embarrassment for the Catholic Church.
* Usually you want to select one of the cardinals to be pope, but, if things are taking too long, just open a window and shout, “Hey, kid; you wanna be the pope?”
* Though usually this is restricted to nuns, it would be cool if the new pope could fly. Then he could dive bomb heathens.
* The pope should probably know the scripture… or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red.
* The pope should be well versed in ninjitsu in case Satan’s minions attack in the form of ninjas. The pope staff could be a great weapon in the right hands.
* You may think you found the right person to be pope, but try to imagine him in a big pointy hat and make sure it’s flattering before finalizing your vote.
* Whoever is chosen should be well-versed in pop-culture so he can condemn it more vigorously.
* While who can juggle the most vials of holy water at the same time shouldn’t be the sole criteria for selecting the pope, it should be considered.
* Remember that it’s now the norm for the pope to do lots of travel, so make sure who you pick is signed up for frequent flyer miles.
* While it’s tempting to vote for a cardinal who has a cool, tricked-out car, remember that the pope gets the pope-mobile anyway. Then again, if that cardinal was elected pope, I guess he wouldn’t need his cool, tricked-out car anymore–
* Make sure who you select will continue the conservative norms of the church. Don’t elect Skeeter pope despite all his crazy-cool ideas.
* Let’s say the minions of hell attack the Vatican in masse. Can you imagine who you are voting for leading the charge against them with holy shotgun in hand?
* Make sure to make some progress on voting each day and not just spend the entire time locked up playing X-Box.
* In the end, selection of the pope is just a popularity contest. Make sure to vote for the same guy everyone else is so the other cardinals will think you are cool.
* If needed, pray to God for a sign to help in selecting the pope. Make sure to ask for a definitive sign like an angel appearing – not just lightning or a dove. It’s pope selecting time, God, so let’s not be lazy on the miracles.
* If all else fails in selecting a new pope, there is always the ancient tradition of the disco dance competition.
Now get pope picking!
I want to be locked away playing x-box today.
First!
Blast it!!
The X-Box is really a listening device, sent in by CNN.
The x-box is the Devil’s tool, but if idle hands are the Devil’s tool too, then is x-box therefore good? Owie! my head hurts thinking about religious stuff!
Is the Pope a bear? Do Catholics live in the woods?
Confound it, Frank, there be coworkers about! Stifling laughter is bad for you!
…mebbe I should hold off on IMAO-ing until proper breaktimes.
Ha. I loved the Holy Shotgun thing. That was great.
Frank,
Thanks for the rope-a-dope on picking a pope
just make sure the Disco competition disqualifies anyone doing “the robot.” This is Disco Only, no Breakdancing Tennessee Law Professors.
Frank, you are definitively not qualified to be the Pope, because you are evil.
Why do I say this?
Because you make me laugh out loud in the middle of a small class, and reveal to everyone who’s not sitting near me (they already knew) that I’m just surfing the web.
You should have seen the way my professor was glaring at me a minute ago. This wasn’t just a chuckle, this was an outright laugh. How DARE you entertain me?
Thanks for leaving Lucifer out of this.
“Finda the Pope Ina the Pizza” – Father Guido Sarducci.
They should pick a Pope that wants to pimp out the Popemobile with hydraulics and spinners and maybe an X-Box in the back, but definitely with a thumpin’ stereo.
Just saw this post on CNN.
McWert,
I hate Lucifer. If I ever saw him, I’d kick him in the nuts.
“The pope should probably know the scripture… or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red.” – forget that, Frank Reads the Bible gives enough of the important stuff. When will it resume?
There is a comic book out right now (in Colombia) where JP2 comes back to life as a superhero. Mind you, if a comic book of the 1970s claimed that there’d be a Pope destroying evil Russian slave empires with a few speeches, no-one’d believe it.
The Cardinal of Paris, Aaron Lustiger, was born Jewish. Cardinal Ratzinger is German but his last name is shared by a number of Jews too (so he’s probably mixed). Before them, who was the last Jewish Pope? Clement I? Cletus?
The Pope is elected by the College of Cardinals, which is similar to our Electoral College. This means if their ballots are too confusing, Pat Buchanan could become Pope.
…And John Kerry can claim voter fraud.
I vote Chomps for pope. He would make penance something to be feared.
“Now for precise pope picking, it’s best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit.”
Wait a minute…
Wine is a Spirit,
Sacramental Wine is Holy…
That must mean they’re choosing the next Pope while drunk!
That is precisely how we could end up with Pope Skeeter I!
XBox die now!
Long live the Holy GameCube!
Frank I am still really curious what you plan to do if the conclave elects a French pope. Seems like that would be quite a conundrum for you…
Frank, I’m glad to hear you’re no longer plotting with Lucifer to overthrow God. It’s a losing proposition even if the Republican Majority hangs in the balance.
Get real, people. The Pope voter dudes would be burning their time with Playstation2.
Don’t be a dope…vote for the pope!
Did someone order a prom dress?