Hello Gang,
RightWingDuck here with a special exclusive. As you know, we here at IMAO have friends in powerful places. Just the other day, I was given the best meal in the joint just because of my powerful connections – AND I was able to supersize it.
Well, it turns out that Santa Claus and I are now back on speaking terms. Sure, he was a bit sore at me from that incident in 1988 where my dad pulled a shotgun on him, but what would YOU do if someone came down YOUR chimney.
Maybe we went a bit far when we took all his toys, but – in our defense – we were poor and greedy.
So, Santa and I have made up and guess what?
Guess? Stop being so lazy and take a guess -!!
That’s right! Santa Claus will be here at IMAO all week to answer your questions. Then he has to get out of here to go work on the Christmas stuff.
Is there something you always wanted to ask Santa? Now is your chance! Post in comments.
Go Ahead! ASK SANTA!!!
P.S. Oh, yeah. I still owe IMAO readers that last Ask Ducky. Oh, well. Maybe Santa and I will take turns answering questions.
Santa – Since Christmas has not been cancelled due to a strike or labor costs, I assume that your elves are non-union. Am I correct?
Santa, will you come to my house FIRST!?!!?
Dang! Out-firsted by The Man!
Santa – I would really like to have Chucky Schumer’s head on a pike for Christmas.
Is that doable?
Oh Santa…I have a weakness for furry, overweight men, with bags full of neat toys – Does Mrs. Clause ever let you out, other than Christmas time?
Dear Santa, have you really made up with RWD or is this just an attempt to lull him into complacency before you drop a carload of coal into his stocking?
Do the rumors of you being a communust have any substance or are they false? Also, if they are true how do I break the news to my very conservative, commie hateing young childern?
Santa,
Are you really Satan? I mean, you’re big, red, and your anagram is clearly S-A-T-A-N. Plus, you come thru the chimney like a thief???
Santa,
If you don’t give me my official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle this Christmas, I’m gonna shoot your eye out.
Do we understand each other?
PS- No hard feelings. I just have to be able to defend myself from Scut Farkas and the monkey ninjas.
What was your most interesting Christmas present delivery?
What did Howard Dean, Harry Reid and Hillary ask for Christmas?
Is Superman’s fortress of solitude near your house?
Dear Santa,
It has cost me years of Therapy and Support Group meetings to get over the sight of you and my dear ma-ma getting it on under the tree. So I have a few Christmas requests:
1. All the money I spent on Therapy
2. An in person, face-to-face apology to my dear Pa-Pa.
3. A pony and a plastic Rocket. Buddah didn’t come through for me.
So, it’s time to pay the piper you lecherous fat bastard. Pay up or things might get unpleasant.
With Love, Jesse
Santa, why did the WB okay a Aquaman tv show? http://cinescape.com/0/editorial.asp?aff_id=0&this_cat=Television&action=page&type_id=&cat_id=270355&obj_id=50062
Santa, why do you leave coal for all the evil kids? What have they done to you? Why do you hate them so?
And won’t they just use the coal to start fires?
Is this a conspiracy between you, the fire department and the lumber industry?
Dear Santa,
How do I get my hands on some of that “magic dust” that helps your reindeer fly? Does it come in 8 ounce quantities?
Dear Santa,
Can you get the IMAO folks to post a promo over at promos.podshow.com so that I can play it on my podcast?
Dear Santa,
Do you think Mr. Newdow will come after you next, seeing as how you are a canonized Saint being foisted on the delicate little blossoms of American Youth? Will that finally make people understand that he is a small minded little man?
Dear Santa:
I am sick and tired of getting coal every year.
This year, can you hook me up with some clean-burning, earth friendly natural gas instead?
Santa,
Can I have Ted Kennedy’s liquor cabinet for Christmas? I’m throwing a party for the entire Marine Corps and he should have more than enough.
Santa – I would like you to grant me the wish of cursing all rabid liberal democrats and members of democratic underground (also all members of System of a Down – since they’re wierd) with background sound effects. When they talk we should here rimshots, slide whistles, clown horns, and techno music.
Be nicer to Al Gore, though, since if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to talk to you on his internets.
Dear Santa:
Can I get a conservative government this year so my boss can actually afford to give me a payrise?
Oh…and I’d like some AUTHENTIC Mexican food.
-Jeremy
Dear Santa:
Is it true that Christmas was invented by Karl Rove, the evil capitalist?
Santa, you are my only hope, bitten by a Hippie, doctors no good, everything fading into paisley nightmare, hurry santa……. world going tie dye, hurry hurry hurry……………..
Also why do men have nipples?
Santa,
What about the Jooooos? And is the coal thing a warning to them or something?
Santa:
Tell me the winning lottery numbers for every game in every state on January 1. Even if you’re not Nostradamus you’re not the usual stupid-looking unshaven fat guy off the street, so I figure you’ll get at least one right.
I need this information. I want to buy a middle-east country with the proceeds and over-run its neighbors. They gots oil. Lotsa.
Dear Santa:
Why are you continuing your policy of rabidly discriminatory hiring policies? Just because I am a long-haired, flightless, single-horned yak, and not a slender, fairy-horned, flying reindeer, the elves never return my calls. You must stop hiring exclusively on the basis of “ability to do the job.” That’s just not fair. Don’t make me go French on you.
Random Yak.
Ducky Clause,
We are doing that thing where you get Christmas presents for a poor kid. My 7 year old step-daughter would like to know why Santa doesn’t brig presents to poor kids. What should I tell her?
Dear Santa,
This year I’ve been very bad. I’ve blended puppies, burned hobos, set Instapundit as my homepage, read Kos more than once and had impure thoughts about the lovely Michelle Malkin. I know that I’ve done wrong and must be punished. Please send me an entire train car of coal. It should help offset my heating costs this winter.
(man, all of these ‘requests’ aren’t that good.. at all…)
Dear Santa,
All I want for CHRIST-X (yeah, Im censoring all that filthy secularism out) is world peace though a one world militaristic sysetm headed by yours truely. Is that too much to ask for? (Don’t worry IMAO, you can help if you want to, I’ll even nuke the moon for you-yeah, whatever… oh, except for harvey, unless he becomes a REAL believer in Jesus- I’ll just adopt Frankj’s policy of killing atheists)
thanks and God bless
(if you don’t bring me what I want you’re fist on MY list for political assasinations…)
Dear Santa:
When is Ducky going to answer the last batch of Dr. Ducky questions? And did you have Spacemonkey on your list for sunglasses?
Deer Santaa
woold yuo brinng uz a nu bice forr chrisztmaz wee haf too goo nowe cauze
tve stect techeer iz comdind
luz fomm tve pooor chiklddrenn
Hi Santa,
will you bring us a new Tree with lots of branches for us to climb or we will not be your fweind pweassssssssssssse From LA&RE
Hi santa you are so cool