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Archive of entries posted on 2nd November 2005
Happy Birthday United Nations!
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
On October 24th the UN turned 60.
I wanted to celebrate this on time, but the resolution to do so was bottled up in an IMAO Security Council Subcommittee for the last week or so.
Now that THAT bureaucratic knot is unfurled, my first suggestion for a proper celebration of the UN’s many accomplishments over the last 60 years consists of changing the organization’s name to reflect those accomplishments.
Thus, hereafter, it shall be known as the Mostly Useless United Nations, or “MUUN” for short.
The other half of the celebration involves helping the MUUN accomplish it’s stated goal of bringing about world peace.
For 60 years, the diplomats have bickered and nattered, passing one toothless resolution after another, fruitlessly attempting to implement their silly pipe-dream of “peace through superior paper work”.
A dismal failure.
Because when it comes to achieving true and lasting world peace, we all know there’s only one realistic plan… (see extended entry):
Fun Trivia
Man’s Best Friend
Here’s a neat story about a man getting trapped in his car when it plunged in a ravine and his dog going half a mile to find help, leading a neighbor to the crash. Plus, the man only got the dog from an animal shelter two weeks prior.
See, that’s just what dogs do. I can imagine what would happen if I got in a crash and had to send my cat Sydney to get help. She’d make a little monkey squeak and then disappear. When I’d look around to see if she went to find help, I’d feel a claw swipe me in the back of the head.
Whoever tried to domesticate cats was wasting his time.
UPDATE: Anyone watch House last night and hear his solution for the woman with cat allergies? I love that show.
In My World: Lockdown
President Bush twisted the knob to the Senate chambers and walked right into the door.
“It’s locked!” Bush exclaimed, “What gives?”
“We’re sealing the Senate so we can have a discussion on the Iraq war,” answered Harry Reid from inside.
“What the hell have we been having for the past couple years?” Bush demanded.
“The American people must know the truth!” Reid responded.
“How are they going to know anything with the doors locked?!”
Reid was quiet for a moment. “Leaks!”
“That’s it!” Bush fumed, “You let me in so I can break your kneecaps with a pipe!”
“Never!”
“Stupid dumb Democrats,” Bush grumbled as he walked away. He then noticed a man standing nearby. “Who are you?”
“I’m the C-Span cameraman,” he answered, “I was voted to have the most boring job in the world.”
“Well I’m George W. Bush and I was voted President.” He then added angrily. “And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”
“Now my job is even more boring since I got kicked out of the Senate chambers,” the cameraman sulked, “All I have to film are those closed Senate doors.”
“It’s not the time to film doors!” Bush declared, “It’s time for action!” He took a fire ax off the wall and charged the locked doors. The ax clanged against them without any effect. “Oh yeah,” Bush said, “The Senate doors have been enchanted with ancient colonial magic and are impervious to all attacks.” Bush thought for a moment. “But the walls are still vulnerable!” He began hacking away at a nearby wall.
“Doesn’t that go against the principles of a Senate lockdown?” the C-Span cameraman asked.
“The doors will still be locked; it’s within the rules.”
“What’s going on over here,” demanded Alito as he walked towards Bush followed by two toughs.
“I’m trying to get in to talk to the Senate about confirming you,” Bush answered, pausing from chopping away at the wall. “They locked the Senate chamber.” Bush looked at the two people behind Alito. “Who are your friends?”
“They’re Tony and Vito,” Alito answered.
“What do you guys do?” Bush asked.
“We work in… uh… sanitation,” Tony answered.
“Doing what?”
“Why’s this guy giving us the third degree?” Vito demanded of Alito.
“He’s cool; he just don’t know any better,” Alito answered. He turned to Bush. “See, my friends are here to testify on my behalf. It appears that some people are casting aspersions against me since I’m Italian and saying I have ties to the mob.”
“And there is no Mafia,” Tony asserted.
“So where did you meet your friends?” Bush asked.
“Uh… from a court case earlier in my career,” Alito answered, “Funny story. I was supposed to convict them for being part of organized crime but was unable on account of them being all innocent and what not.”
Tony and Vito laughed, and Bush joined in though he wasn’t sure what the joke was. “Well, we’re not going to be able to talk to the Senators unless we get through this wall. I’d ask for your help, but I only have one ax.”
“We brought our own,” Vito said as he and Tony each pulled out an ax.
“Knew about the lockdown, then?”
“Yeah; that’s what we brought them for,” Vito laughed.
They all then hacked away. “They’re coming through the walls!” came a scream from inside.
Bush turned to the C-Span cameraman. “Get ready to film democracy in action.”
“Quiet!” he answered back, staring intently through his camera, “I think I saw the doors move.”
My ignorance of Stephen Hawking…
I must apologize for my post yesterday about scientist Stephen Hawking on a tour of the west coast. I wrote that paying money to hear Stephen Hawking onstage wouldn’t be worth the up to 125 bucks people would be paying for those tickets which generated some negative posts from the female readers of IMAO and I apologize.
Because I had no idea Hawking had spent four years with The B-52’s! Yeah, in the late 1990s when their blond girl singer left the band to have a baby Stephen Hawking joined as a backup vocalist. He went under the stage name of “The Professor”:
Hey, he’s checkin’ out Kate Pierson… looks like The Prof has a thing for redheads. Right on, Prof!
UPDATE: Several astute IMAO readers have e-mailed with more photographic evidence of The Prof’s mad stage skillz.
Secret Rules For Closed Senate Sessions
When the Senate slips into a closed session some super special secret rules apply. Here are just a few of them.
* Standing Senate Rule .20 (the Teddy Kennedy Rule) – Closed session – Open Bar!
* First Rule of Closed Session: Nobody talks about closed session!
* Rule 2 – What happens in closed session STAYS in closed session.
* Rule 3.14 – Everybody gets free pie, all you can eat. Mmmm pie.
* Rule 5 – Senators must use secret handshake and refer to each other by their self-assigned top secret code names. Harry Reid’s is “H.R. Uber Smooth.”
* Rule 32 – Casual Dress AKA Clothing optional.
There are, as indicated by the gaps, other super secret Senate rules but they are so secret even I don’t even know them. Or do I?
Unfortunately since you now know some of the secret rules, I must kill you all now. I’m sorry, really.
Update: It’s been pointed out that Rule 32 makes rule 2 alot more interesting. My response to that is “What about all the pie and open bar? Don’t they juice things up too?”