since we are a part of them… but wow. Pajamas Media changed its name to Open Source Media.
the only more retarded name they could have come up with would be Less Traveled Stream Media.
what else could they have come up with that would have been more retarded? (btw, i mean retarded stupid, not retarded handicapped. because it’s not funny to make fun of handicapped people. only jerkfaces do that.)
UPDATE: AN OUT!! apparently, the name Open Source Media is already taken (thanks John Hawkins Who Never Votes for Me for the link)! here’s your chance to change the name to something not stupid and boring! it’s a legal issue! kinda like that Presidential documents thingy got the President out of the Miers debacle. oops, we changed the name to one that was already taken! guess we’ll have to make it something else. personally, i liked PJs Media and didn’t think they needed to change the name to something generic and indescript.
Archive of entries posted on 16th November 2005
I Question Their Patriotism!
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they’ll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there’s a “No Blood For Oil!” sign in their midst.
Or print up a sign for them, if there isn’t one handy.
But I don’t think that “unpatriotism” is a fair verdict to hand down. They don’t make the news, they just report it. It’s not like they’re actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.
Sure, that’s only because journalists are pansys who can’t muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger – plus Baghdad doesn’t have a Starbucks – but really, they’re merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.
On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it’s HUMOR BLOGS!
For example:
Iowahawk – Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi’s payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?
Day By Day – Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since – as I mentioned above – American newspapers are patriotic.
Cox & Forkum – Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah… wonder whose side THEY’RE on.
It’s A Pundit – Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.
Lileks – From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.
ScrappleFace – This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word “weasel” to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.
“Gee,” I hear you say, “humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn’t that a humor blog, too?”
Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:
* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he’s technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I’ll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American
We’re even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey’s legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.
Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn’t know about it yet.
Meanwhile, I’m pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the “Best Humor Blog” category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.
Headlines
The headline reads “Rising Sea Levels Threaten New Jersey”
Tomorrow’s headline: “Sea Levels Found Shot To Death In Trunk Of Car”
Question
In My World: Foreign Interference
“I can’t believe when I told the Chinese to respect human rights and be more democratic like Taiwan, they called that ‘foreign interference,'” Bush griped, “And then, when they took us to a soccer game and I ran out on the field, grabbed the ball, and ran away giggling, they called that ‘foreign interference’ too.”
“Have you thought of giving back the ball?” Laura asked.
Bush clutched the soccer ball tightly. “No, it’s mine! Anyway, I’m so mad, I think I’m going to stab the Chinese with a steak knife. When’s dinner?”
“No stabbing!”
“We’re probably going to be eating with chopsticks anyway,” Bush sulked, “Those aren’t as good for stabbing.”
They were lead into the dining room with the evil Communist Chinese leader. Bush then got a phone call. “What?!”
“It’s Harry Reid. We want you to admit that you lied to us about the reasons for going to war.”
“But you all said the same things before the war!” Bush shouted, “We even have a commercial out of that.”
“Well… then we lied to ourselves, but you lying as the President is much worse.”
“Fine, when I get back I’ll kick you in the nuts and smash your head into some drywall. How’s that?”
“I wouldn’t like that at all!”
“Then shut up!” Bush hung up the phone and turned to the evil Communist Chinese leader. “Explain to me your one party system again.”
“I’ll explain to you more than that, American president,” said the evil Communist Chinese leader sinisterly. Sitting next to him was an American in a suit. “I have with me a representative from Cisco Systems. With his help, I can now further oppress my people with out Commie evil! Yes, with capitalism and Communism working together, I have even more power to spread evil!” The evil Communist Chinese leader then laughed evilly and the Cisco Systems rep joined in.
“Now you’re corrupting our capitalism with your Commie evil!” Bush yelled angrily, “I won’t let this stand!”
“There is nothing you can do!” the evil Communist Chinese leader shot back, “As we speak, Microsoft is writing software to better organize the execution of dissidents!”
“I’ve had enough of your Commie evil!” Bush declared, “I’m going to support Taiwan breaking off from you jokers!”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“I would! My poll ratings are in the toilet, and I don’t care! I do what I wan’!”
The evil Communist Chinese leader’s smile disappeared. “Perhaps you will care that you’ve walked into my… NINJA TRAP!” He then rang a bell and ropes dropped from the ceiling. Then descended a dozen ninjas surrounding President Bush and Laura.
“Not a ninja trap!” Bush exclaimed, “That’s the worst kind of trap!”
“Not again,” Laura sighed as the evil Communist Chinese leader ran off laughing.
“Only one thing to do,” Bush said. He then ripped off his shirt and sank into a martial arts pose. “Go commandeer a helicopter to get us out of here,” Bush called out to Laura as he kung fu fought the ninjas, “I have a score to settle with the evil Communist Chinese leader.”
Laura pulled a gun out of her purse. “I’m starting to hate these foreign visits.”
Bruised and battered, Bush stumbled through the storm up to the top of the mountain. “Last I remembered, it was sunny out. I then made a right at the bathroom, and I’m not sure how I got here.”
“I think this stormy mountaintop will make the perfect place for our final battle,” said the evil Communist Chinese leader.
“If you say so, but it’s kinda hard to hear you with the wind and rain and thunder and what-not.”
The evil Communist Chinese leader took up a martial arts pose. “I think we both knew your visit would end this way.”
“Actually, I was hoping it would end with one of those parades with the dragons, but, whatever.”
“RED DRAGON PUNCH!” the evil Communist Chinese leader shouted as he punched Bush in a flash of red flame. Bush flew backwards and landed hard on the ground.
“Ow!” he moaned.
“Ha!” said the evil Communist Chinese leader, “You are no match for my Commie kung fu! It will spread pain equally throughout your body!”
“Actually, my head hurts more than anything else.”
“Well, some things are more equal than others. RED DRAGON AX KICK!” The evil Communist leader tried to crush Bush with a dropping heel kick, but he rolled out of the way.
“Maybe we should go back to that diplomacy thing,” Bush suggested sheepishly.
“It is too late for that!” the evil Communist Chinese leader declared, “Now your American hegemony will end!”
“My what money?”
“I will defeat you, and then I will launch my nuclear arsenal at America! I’m pretty sure some of them have will actually be able to reach California now.”
“You will not harm Cal-ee-forn-ya!” came a shout from behind the evil Communist Chinese leader. He was then lifted into the air. “I am Arnold! I will crush you! Dah!” The Governator then tossed the evil Communist Chinese leader off the mountain who screamed until he disappeared into the darkness below.
Bush looked down over the side of the mountain. “Since we can’t see his body, we can only assume he is dead.” He turned to Arnold. “What are you doing here?”
“Ever since all my proposition were defeated in the election, I have been wandering stormy mountain tops in my depression,” Arnold sobbed.
“Don’t worry,” Bush told him, “You’ll have time to make a comeback and crush your enemies as always. Until then, just beat up Democrats in the hallways like I do.”
A helicopter flew near them, Laura holding a gun to the pilot’s head. “Can we get out of here?” Laura called out, “We really need to have better foreign trips.”
“Maybe next we can try and have diplomatic relations with Hawaii for a change,” Bush said as he walked to the helicopter with Arnold.
The captive pilot rolled his eyes. “Idiot.”
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Tomorrow’s host for the ever popular Comedy Carnival? Why, its Radioactive Liberty, of course!
Is your drink spewing, knee slapping, side splitting entry entered yet? No? Then submit, submit!
Mama Moonbat is back in the headlines
It’s a week before Thanksgiving, and President Bush already has a 140-pound turkey waiting for him back in Crawford.
Don’t Fall for It!
Who knows what evil the Sunnis could do with their very own automated torture probe!
Santa Answers – Part I
Posted by RightWingDuck as a favor to Santa Claus.
Santa has been kind enough to answer questions for the fans of IMAO. You folks have no idea how special you are!
Here are just some of the questions that you asked Santa along with his special one of a kind answers….
Ask Santa – A special IMAO session
Question: Santa – Since Christmas has not been cancelled due to a strike or labor costs, I assume that your elves are non-union. Am I correct?
Posted by The Man
Ho, ho, ho. You are so The Man. yes, you’re right. I don’t use union labor. This explains why products from the North Pole seldom break down.
You know the secret – hiring the right people You should interview one of my foremen Elves – like Juan Garcia. Or the other Juan Garcia. Unfortunately, this year I did lose some elves when they decided to go get some work rebuilding New Orleans.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Question: Santa – I would really like to have Chucky Schumer’s head on a pike for Christmas.
Is that doable?
Posted by jimmyb
Ho ho ho. Oh, Jimmy B. You ask for that every Christmas. I’d like to say yes to you, but only if that is also the wish of Chucky Schumer himself. Otherwise, I’ll have to bring you your second choice – Barbra Streisand Sings Her Favorite War Protest Love Songs.
Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas, little Jimmy.
Question: Oh Santa…I have a weakness for furry, overweight men, with bags full of neat toys – Does Mrs. Clause ever let you out, other than Christmas time?
Posted by Wonder Woman
Ho.
If you like getting frisky, may I suggest you use something besides the invisible jet? Really, lady, you’re not hiding anything. You’re on the naughty list this year and I didn’t even have to do any spying. Mrs. Claus and I enjoy each other’s company very much. Thanks for asking.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Continue reading ‘Santa Answers – Part I’ »