New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.
Intriguing stuff, to be sure.
Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal “lifestyle choice”. From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:
* If you look at your hand and notice that there’s another man’s hand in it.
* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word “fabulous”.
* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an “outfit”.
* With the exception of “orange”, if you’ve ever used a noun (for example, “eggshell”) as a color name.
* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word “manicure” is ironic.
* If, when you use the phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” to your friends, it’s more often as a warning than a punchline.
* If you dance better backwards than forwards.
* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides “The Wizard of Oz”.
* If you’ve marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn’t March 17th.
* If you’ve ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don’t remember the incident, your friends all swear it’s true, but they’re probably lying.
* If you’re familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you’ve applied color to your face and you weren’t on your way to a football game.
* If you own pink underwear that’s the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Tijuana and do some more research.
Ummmm, how about if you look at your hand and it’s holding another mans ………oops, thats mine. Nevermind.
If something about a hairy ass and back works you over.
Tijuana?
I always thought it was Juarez
Eggshell isn’t a color, it’s a finish. Not as dull as flat and not cheap looking like semi-gloss…
Why do I know that?!?!?!
SHUT UP!!!
That’s why!
What’s more manly than a Hemi ‘Cuda or Challeger? Both were available in Plum Crazy ( aka Statutory Grape ), Lemon Twist, Lime Light, and Top Bannana. And Panther Pink.
SHUT UP!!!
What if you used the term “eggshell” (as a color) to mock another male, and the other males in the room laughed and agreed with you?
How about if you thought that “Highlander: Endgame” had too much fighting in it.
If you’ve applied color to your face and you weren’t on your way to a football game.
You probably should add “and you aren’t on television or in a movie”. Lest Bruce Willis and Fred Thompson come kick your ass.
Harvey,
You knew I had to trot this one out…
“How can one man look at another man’s hairy a– & find love?” – Sam Kinison
If your name is John Edwards.
If you ever spent more than fifty bucks on a haircut.
some Marines/Soldiers/Airmen may take issue with that statement…
Well, war is sorta like football, so we’ll give ’em a pass.
Meanwhile, I’m still waiting for the kilt-wearers to issue death threats.
“* If you own pink underwear that’s the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.”
An addendum would be if you were an inmate in AZ’s Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Tent City. Though with the whole prison thing, it’s a tad hit or miss.
It’s called a kilt not skirt.maybe watch Mel kick butt in said kilt will change your mind. Plus FIREMEN wear kilts at the death of one of thier own. That aint gay.those good folk are called “the finest” for a reason. bid you peace love and UNDERSTANDING. all the best.
Sure way to tell: If your best friend’s di– tastes like sh–.