ATLANTA (AP) – As poll after poll continues to show the public’s waning interest in the Russian collusion story which CNN rode to a ratings tsunami during the last two years, CNN’s viewership has waned in kind. To protest what CNN calls a “contemptible act”, the 24-hour news network has asked Congress to charge all of its former viewers with contempt.

CNN President Jeff Zucker, a chubby bald guy who people still keep greeting with “Wow. They really mis-cast Jesse Eisenberg in ‘The Social Network’, didn’t they?” was incensed at the “unCNNers'” disrespect.

“This is America,” said Zucker, “and America has a narrative. A narrative protected by the First Amendment. Any violation of the First Amendment is a violation of the Constitution which shows contempt for Congress. The Congress who is, as far as I know, the sole arbiter of what the Constitution says and means. I’ve been elbow-deep in journalism all my life. I’m pretty sure that if someone else had been appointed to that role, I’d be aware of it.”

House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY) said that although Congress had never held private citizens in contempt for not watching a TV show before, he allowed that Mr. Zucker had made a persuasive case for breaking precedent.

“Contempt of Congress is a pretty serious charge,” Nadler said. “It means that someone didn’t do what a member of Congress told them to. Now, I’ve never actually TOLD anyone to watch CNN, but CNN does have enough dirt on me to really embarrass me in front of both their viewers. I guess it wouldn’t hurt what side I know my bread is buttered on to back CNN’s play on this.”

Former CNN viewer Millie Helper appeared surprisingly calm as the threat of contempt hung over her head.

“Worried? Pfffft! Eric Holder got ‘disgraced’ with one and he landed a cushy corner office job in DC. Where do I sign up?”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Burt contributed to this story]

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