I don't think I can bear one more "Shooting people is bad: now I've got that bit out of the way, here's the REAL ISSUE" article

— Padraig Reidy (@mePadraigReidy) January 9, 2015

It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) January 9, 2015

Called my young employee Doogie Howser. Then had to explain who that is, and so we watched the Pilot instead of having a meeting.

— Cee Angi (@CeeAngi) January 9, 2015

Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: Yes. Netflix: You're sure you're watching? Me: Yes! [Netflix cannonballs off the high dive]

— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) January 9, 2015

Dear Bullies: technically it should be called 'de-pantsing,' if u 'pantsed' someone it we be putting pants on them which wd be nice actually

— refriend beans (@pharmasean) January 9, 2015

Why do the call them Christian TV networks and not stations of the cross?

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) January 10, 2015

[playing video games with son] "I don't think there is one, dad" *pauses game* there has to be a button for turn signals, son

— Brent (@murrman5) January 10, 2015

Whenever a pundit uses the term "the real victims" that's your cue to ignore them. Forever.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) January 10, 2015

I just realized "You can't spell socialism without Cialis" but I have no idea what to do with this information

— Arthur Chu (@arthur_affect) January 10, 2015

why aren't female mailmen called femalewomen

— Beard Spice (@BeardSpice) January 12, 2015

May you for one moment in your life feel half as pleased with yourself as Ricky Gervais does every second of every day.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 12, 2015

i've never watched a foreign language movie i refuse to do it i think its stupid there's plenty of english ones #GoldenGlobes

— Retirement Pog (@HumanPog) January 12, 2015