I See Dead People…

The other day, Frank published a post entitled “Where Are They Now?” In it, he lists most of his IMAO co-bloggers as “Dead.” Everyone just assumes that he was joking, but I think not! Let’s consider the evidence, shall we?

For starters, everyone knows that the real Harvey is left-handed, yet every single issue of LOLTERIZT! or LOLBAMA! ever posted has clearly been created by a right-handed typist!

On the front cover of Frank’s last book, “Obama – The Greatest President in the History of Everything,” a shadowy figure is seen waving. Many people assume, incorrectly, that this figure is supposed to represent President Awes0me. A much closer examination reveals that the figure is actually a very dimly lit image of Harvey, waving us all goodbye as he leaves this world behind and departs for the afterlife.

On the cover of of the classic IMAO album “Blabby Toad,” Frank is barefoot and out of step with the co-bloggers, all of whom are dressed in white gowns and looking very pale. The license plate on the bus parked at the side of the road reads, 7GO2HVN.

On the front cover of another classic IMAO album, “Lt. Peeper’s Homely Spleen Club Orchestra,” there are numerous clues, including a slightly charred toy bus in the lap of the doll at the bottom left, the one wearing the t-shirt reading “I killed them all.” The bass drum clearly reads “Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated.” When viewed in the angled mirror on the ground next to it, however, it says, “All the co-bloggers are dead, dead, dead and I killed them.” On the back cover, Frank is turned away from the camera in shame, suggesting he can’t face the responsibility he feels in the deaths of his IMAO co-bloggers, all of whom are lying in open coffins with pennies on their eyes.

Perhaps the most damning evidence of all comes from playing numerous key segments of the old, re-issued IMAO podcasts backwards, where one can discover many hints as to the co-bloggers fates. A small sample of the phrases that can be heard (along with the voice of Fred Thompson ordering you, repeatedly, to sell your soul to Dick Cheney through some sort of reverse soul mortgage process) include, “I buried Space Monkey in cranberry sauce.”; “Aquaman sleeps with the fishes.”; “The Walrus wasn’t Harvey.”; “Turn me Happy, dead Cadet.”; “Lawrence is dead, man, but I don’t really miss him – go figure.”; “Duck blew his mind out on a bus”; “Decide to smoke marijuana.” (Though I’m not really sure quite how that last one fits in.); and “Bury my Basil.”

Putting all of this evidence together, I can come to but one conclusion: All of the IMAO co-bloggers, excepting Frank J, Sarah K and myself, are dead. They all died together tragically in a fiery bus crash several years ago, an event for which Frank still blames himself… which he should, because he was driving the bus when he swerved wildly in an attempt to avoid some monkeys in the middle of the road, lost control and sent them all careening over a cliff! Though Frank managed to jump to safety, and Sarah and I were not on board, the others weren’t so lucky.

There are those of you who have long suspected that Frank has been posting as other people, most especially Harvey and Basil, consider this confirmation of your well-founded suspicions. It’s Frank’s way of coping with the guilt and shame he feels about their untimely deaths and his way of helping their memories live on. The details of this tragic incident also clearly explain why he hates monkeys so vehemently.

Frank is clearly still quite sensitive about this subject, so be gentle, dear readers, be gentle… but feel free to let loose with any more evidence of this conspiracy you may have uncovered over the years in the comments! The memories of those who were lost demand that the truth finally be spoken!

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  1. I just played “Lt. Peepers” backwards on the Bang & Olufsen and all I heard were Slim Whitman songs….that, and, I think it was Frank, somebody yelled in the background…”I’ve got blisters on my fingers!”



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