Part I
Part II
“Until this whole interdimensional mess is taken care of, you better lay low in your new undisclosed location,” President Bush told Dick Cheney through their satellite uplink.
“It’s not an undisclosed location!” Cheney said angrily, “You just stranded me on the median of some highway.”
“Yeah, but do you know which highway?” Bush pointed out.
“No, I can’t tell from here, but everyone driving by gawking at me probably knows.”
“Well, stop looking so conspicuous. Dig a hole or something.”
“But I’m in a three piece suit… and it’s hot out!” Cheney yelled. “Ah! And someone just threw a beer bottle at me. And now I’m tasting copper…”
Bush cut the link. “Whine, whine, whine.”
“Honey, I have an article in this month’s issue of Today’s First Lady,” Laura Bush said, entering the office and placing a magazine on Bush desk.
Bush grimaced. “This isn’t another article about drapes, is it?”
“No, just read it.”
Bush picked up the magazine. “‘Signs a coworker may be a supervillian,'” Bush read aloud, “‘Sometimes a close associate may be plotting world conquest and you may not even notice. Here are some signs to look for:
“‘1. Maniacal Laughter.'” Bush looked to Laura, “So what is that exactly?”
“Well, if someone, instead of laughing at other people’s jokes, laughs after bold statements of power or evil,” Laura explained.
“Kinda like how Condi tends to laugh when she explains the destructive power of a new weapon,” Bush said.
“Yeah, that might be an example,” Laura answered innocently.
“So what’s next?” Bush looked at the article again. “2. Lives at odd, isolated location.” He turned to Laura. “Speaking of odd, you should see Condi’s place. I went to the address, and there was a hollowed out volcano. When I tried to find to entrance, I was attacked by ninjas.”
“Look at item three,” Laura pointed out.
“3. Is protected by hired thugs or ninjas.” Bush thought for a moment. “Wait! I know what this is about! You’re trying to convince me that Condi is a supervillian!”
“I don’t trust that woman, George,” Laura said sternly, “Last time Barbara and Jenna visited, I swear I saw her trying to hire them to be twin assassins.”
Bush chuckled. “That’ silly; you want identical twins for that.”
“I think you need to stop that Black Project Insano,” Laura told him, “I think it’s giving Dr. Rice too much opportunity for evil and world conquest.”
“What? How do you know about that secret project?” Bush exclaimed.
“You’re always leaving your papers scattered everywhere making me clean up after you,” Laura chided him, “I bought you folders – even labeled them for you – but still it’s paper lying everywhere.”
“I’ll try to be more organized in the future,” Bush moaned.
“That’s not what this is about,” Laura said sternly, “You need to pull the plug on that project and stop Dr. Rice from taking over this world and countless others… or before she gets us destroyed by some evil alien warlord.”
“But… but if I make her mad, she may feed me to a Krackeldozer,” Bush said timidly.
“What’s a Krackeldozer?”
“That the name she said she’s going to give to the alien creature she’ll feed me to if I bother her while she’s plotting.”
“It doesn’t matter, George, you’re the President of the United States, and you have to stand up to her,” Laura told him firmly, “Didn’t the American people elect a president with character who will stand up for what he believes?”
“I have plenty of character,” Bush insisted, “Why compared to the last president…”
“Oh, George,” Laura interrupted angrily, “Why don’t you just say you’re a champion runner by comparing yourself to a man without legs. Now you better go talk to Dr. Rice or your going to be spending a lot of time sleeping on the couch like that ‘last president’ you love to bring up.”
Laura then left the room leaving Bush to think by himself. “Aw, dang it,” Bush grumbled, “Better at least make sure my will is in order first.”

Laughter echoed throughout the room. “You’re a clever adversary, Buck,” the disembodied voice of Lipitor said, “You’ve broken into my fortress. Still, if you had any real intelligence, a mortal such as you would never dare to contend with a god such as me. Now that you are in my lair, you will find yourself in situations that will challenge your very understanding of physics itself.”
“My understanding of what now?” Buck asked, taking another sip of beer.
“Do not mock me, Buck,” Lipitor said angrily, “I will rip you apart, scattering your pieces among countless universes.”
Buck stared a while at his can of beer, and then looked quite displeased.
“Is that fear I see, Buck?”
“That was my last beer.” He tossed it away, and then saw it torn asunder by an unseen force. Buck looked about him with some confusion. There were glowing portals among doors and windows floating in nothingness. At times the room appeared quite small, and then he looked at if from another angle and it appeared infinitely huge. He really wanted another beer.
“Better go to my all purpose plan B,” Buck announced, “Throw grenades everywhere and see what blows up.”

Bush knocked on the door of Condoleezza Rice’s office. “Can we talk for a moment?”
“I’m busy with military matters,” Rice answered with annoyance, “Why don’t you go watch your A-team reruns.”
“Uh… we really need to talk now.”
“You’re starting to bother me,” Rice said, a bit of menace in her voice.
Bush took a deep breath, then barged right into her office. Rice stared at him angrily as a map of the world with attack plans sat on her desk. Bush then glanced behind him to see the mysterious Cookie Eating Man standing in the shadows. “Uh… I had a whole speech prepared about how we shouldn’t fool around with the fabric of time and space,” Bush said nervously, “but I was distracted by a squirrel on the way here and forgot it all. So I’ll just cut to the chase: I’m going to shut down Black Project Insano.”
“Why? Don’t you see the power it gives us?”
“Well, that whole thing with that alien warlord appearing and threatening us…”
“Bah, Lipitor is a fool,” Rice said dismissively, “I’ll find a way to defeat him.” She rose to her feet. “Then the multi-verse will be MINE!”
“See, there’s the other thing,” Bush said, “I think you’re becoming too drunken with power and are not pursuing all this for the interests of the American people.”
Rice laughed unconvincingly as she sat back down. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Well, my decision is final,” Bush said, trying to look resolute, “Black Project Insano will be shut down.”
Rice laughed again, this time more insidiously. “You don’t even know which phony orphanage it’s funded through to be able to shut it down.”
“Well… well I’ll… I’ll defund all orphanages then, smartypants.”
Rice shot to her feet again. “You can’t do that!”
“Yes I can,” Bush said firmly, “because I’m the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, and I can do anything.”
“You fool! I’ll destroy you!”
“Oh, and come to think of it,” Bush added, “I’m taking your Snoopy mug as well.” Bush snatched the mug from her desk.
“But… but… that my Snoopy mug! You can’t just take it!”
“Yes I can,” Bush asserted, “because I’m the President of the United States, and I can do whatever I want. Good day, Dr. Rice.” He then headed out of the office.
“Bring back Snoopy!” Rice shouted. She then became intensely angry. “You’ll rue the day you ever heard the name Condoleezza!”
“Can I go now?” asked the Cookie Eating Man.
“Yes, you’re getting crumbs everywhere.”

The fortress crumbled, as the demonic Lipitor stood there surrounded in flames. “I guess I underestimated you, Buck. First you broke into my fortress, solved the puzzles of the room of eternity, snuck into the kitchen and ate my lunch, and finally destroyed the stabilizers that kept my fortress existing between the universes.”
“Yep, don’t mess with a United States Marine,” Buck answered, finishing off his four dimensional sandwich.
“But the last laugh will be mine!” shouted Lipitor, “When my fortress is gone, you will be trapped with me forever in the void between dimensions. Muh ha ha ha!”
“You must flee to the portal to your world,” came a voice in Buck’s head.
“Is that Jesus?”
“No, it’s one of us aliens talking to you telepathically.”
“Doing what now?”
“Talking through your mind,” the alien said with annoyance, “Now go through the interdimensional portal to your homeworld.”
“Uh… and what’s that exactly?”
“Go into the bright light to your right!”
“Okay, okay. You don’t have to telo-mathematically yell,” Buck said, heading from the crumbling fortress.
“You’re other right!” the voice shouted.
“Oh, whoops.” Buck jumped into the glowing portal.
“I will have my revenge!” he heard Lipitor shout, just before the world around Buck disappeared.

“Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen.” Rumsfeld cocked his hand back really far for the last punch. “And twenty!” He dropped the reporter to the ground. “I hoped that answered your question about whether the war in Iraq was started for false pretenses. If you didn’t understand the answer, I could repeat.”
The reporter just moaned in response.
Suddenly a bright light appeared in the air, and out from it fell Buck the Marine.
“Buck, you’re back!” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “What happened?”
“Well, I was transported to an alien world where I killed me some freaky aliens, and then I went to fortress of this evil warlord Lipitor who wanted to conquer earth. I destroyed his fortress, casting him forever into the void, escaped back to my dimension, and then, having preserved American values and apple pie from the cold grip of alien forces, I shouted, ‘Ooh-rah.'” Buck thought for a moment. “No, wait; I hadn’t done that last part yet.” He held is rifle over his head. “OOH-RAH!”
“Good job, Buck,” Rumsfeld said, “and you’re back just in time for happy hour. Not let’s go get hammered and pick some country to invade through conventional mean, forgetting forever this interdimensional crap.”
“But we have more questions!” whined one of the reporters.
“Buck, fire your rifle into the air,” Rumsfeld suggested, “That should scatter them.”
Buck fired a three-round burst into the air, and the reporters fled in terror except for one woman who held her ground. “Who’s that?” Buck asked.
“That’s the Fox News reporter,” Rumsfeld explained, “She’s a little harder to scare away.” Rumsfeld then clapped his hand loudly in front of her face. “Now shoo! Scram!”
“But I have more questions about whom America will destroy next with its righteous power,” she asserted.
“Hey, that’s a nice dog you have with you,” Buck commented.
“Oh, that’s Chomps,” she said, “He’s been following me around since the last press conference. Problem is, I have too busy a schedule to take care of a dog.”
“Well, I could see why he would want to follow around a pretty lady such as yourself,” Buck said a bit shyly.
“That’s so sweet,” the Fox News reporter replied, blushing.
“Maybe we could go get some coffee and I can tell you all about how I saved the world,” Buck suggested.
“I think I’d like that.”
The two of them then walked off.
“What about alcohol!” Rumsfeld called out. He then looked to the dog. “I guess it’s just me and you, Chomps. Know what? I’m suddenly feeling angry for no particular reason. What about you?”
“Erg-err!” Chomps growled angrily, and then ripped a metal folding chair apart with his teeth.
“I guess you and me are a lot alike,” Rumsfeld said, walking to the exit. Outside he saw a bunch of hippy protestors with anti-war signs. “Well, look-ee here. Maybe we should match their right to free speech with our initiative to kick ass.”
“Rah-grr!” Chomps said, not liking the sight of hippies.
“Hey, dog, no blood for oil!” one hippy yelled at Chomps.
Chomps’s whole body started shaking with anger. Rumsfeld was almost frightened the dog was going to explode. Suddenly, with a loud yell, Chomps jumped into the crowd of hippies, flying forward with his mouth wide open ready to bite.
“That’s a good dog,” Rumsfeld said with a smile, and then ran into the fray. “Rarr!”
THE END