In My World: Chomps, The World’s Angriest Egg-Timer

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With North Korea theatening to get nukes for numerous crazy reasons and Islamic extremists continuing to threaten to kill American and Jews for far from coherent reason, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld held a press conference to answer concerns.
“These press conferences are taking too long, and my doctor says I need to keep them short so that I don’t have so much time to fester with rage,” Rumsfeld explained, “Thus I have brought my friend Chomps, the world’s angriest dog, and chained him to the wall.”
At the front wall was a massive rottweiler, furiously chewing away at the metal chain that bound him.
“That chain is made from reinforced steel,” Rumsfeld continued, “and thus it will take him about ten minutes to chew through. I recommend you all have asked your questions and left by then if you don’t wish to be eviscerated.”
“I have a question about finding WMD’s in Iraq,” said a reporter as he stepped forward while cautiously eyeing Chomps.
“Let’s me you save you your breath,” Rumsfeld answered, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
“But people are concerned that this war was done for false reasons.”
“What people? Bad people are dead, people are free from tyranny. No American would be concerned about the reasons for attacking. Sounds to me more like something Europeans would be worried about.” Rumsfeld grinded his teeth. “I hate Europeans!”
“Grr-row!” Chomps growled at the mention of Europeans, and then went back to chewing angrily at his chain.
“So you don’t think people care if a conflict was started for legitimate reasons?”
“Americans like killing bad people,” Rumsfeld answered, “We’re all for making up all sorts of excuses as long as bad people die in the end. If I claimed we were invading North Korea because they had imprisoned magical elves, and then we destroyed their evil regime and freed their starving oppressed people, would you guys still whine about where the elves are afterwards while the Koreans celebrated in the streets?”
The reporter thought about that. “Yes, we would.”
“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled, picking up the reporter and throwing him out the window. “Next question.”
“What about those in the military who were brought overseas?” asked another reporter, “Don’t they need to know the reasons they were sent to Iraq were legitimate?”
“As long as our troops got to kill bad people, they’re happy,” Rumsfeld replied, “It’s not like anyone joined the military to not kill evil foreigners.” Rumsfeld looked to Buck the Marine who stood at the far end of the room. “Did you join the Marines to not kill evil foreigners?”
“Quite the opposite, sir.”
“See,” Rumsfeld said smugly.
“North Korea says they need nuclear weapons so they can reduce the size of their military. What is your response to that?”
“I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question.”
“What would you say to those who characterize the Iraq mission as a failure since no WMD’s were found and Saddam may still be alive?”
“Grr-row!” Chomps growled as he lunged at the reporter, the chain barely holding him back. His massive jaws snapped at empty air, making a hideous clicking sound. He then went back to chain, chewing at it now with even more irrational fury.
“I don’t have anything to add to Chomp’s remarks,” Rumsfeld stated.
“What is your reaction to Israel’s botched assassination attempt on Hamas co-founder Abdel Aziz Rantisi?”
“Well, we’ve missed people in the past,” Rumsfeld answered, “So I can’t be too critical. Next time, if they think a terrorists is in a building, they should level the entire block. I demand more dead Palestinians!”
“Isn’t the Bush administration against the attack?”
“I don’t listen to those whiny pacifists,” Rumsfeld said angrily, “They want pin-point accuracy destruction while I support barely focused carnage.”
“What about…”
A loud metallic snap resonated throughout the room. There stood Chomps, a piece of chain now uselessly dangling from his collar. In his fevered dog brain, he could no longer recall exactly why he was angry, but he was quite certain that he was angry and his eyes scanned the room for something to take vengeance upon. They soon settled upon the horrified reporters, and the back of his lips curled to reveal jagged teeth. Drool dripped to the floor as he recalled the sweet taste of blood. A low growl emanated from his throat, in its own way resembling the hiss of a fuse to a powder keg that is about to explode.
“I’m sorry,” Rumsfeld chuckled to the reporters, “but it looks like your time is up.”

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  1. “North Korea says they need nuclear weapons so they can reduce the size of their military. What is your response to that?”
    “I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question.”
    rofl. My boss just yelled at me for laughing so loud.
    Dave
    http://www.our-turn.com

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  5. My post got swolled upThat’s all my fault; I shouldn’t have loaded your page at the exact microsecond you were trying to write to it. Through an Internet wormhole the rest of IMW was wisked away and ended up at defenselink.mil.

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  9. Now, I don’t mean to be a snob, but as I was thoroughly enjoying this I came across this line: “As long as our troops got to kill bad people, their happy.” Usually I’m all for spelling errors and poor grammar, but there’s just something that really bugs me about using “their” instead of “they’re.”
    Sorry about that, it’s a little pet peeve of mine.
    But hey, keep cranking out the funny stuff, and I’ll keep snobishly correcting your spelling.

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  15. “North Korea says they need nuclear weapons so they can reduce the size of their military. What is your response to that?”
    “I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question.”
    Sooooooooo good!!! I will shamefully admit I thought the series may have been slipping, but that line restored my faith. Good thing I wasn’t drinking something.

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  18. My favorite parts were:
    “Americans like killing bad people,” Rumsfeld answered, “We’re all for making up all sorts of excuses as long as bad people die in the end. If I claimed we were invading North Korea because they had imprisoned magical elves, and then we destroyed their evil regime and freed their starving oppressed people, would you guys still whine about where the elves are afterwards while the Koreans celebrated in the streets?”
    and
    “North Korea says they need nuclear weapons so they can reduce the size of their military. What is your response to that?”
    “I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question.”
    Hilarious, Frank. 🙂
    ~Elizabeth

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  21. “I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question.”
    Seems like I’m going to join everyone else in saying that this was the best line in this IMW.
    Stupid freakin Norks…. sighs Why aren’t they dead yet. Good question for Frank Questions…look for this in your inbox, Frank.
    -Jeff

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  22. I’m gonna break with the crowd and go with this as my favorite:
    “What would you say to those who characterize the Iraq mission as a failure since no WMD’s were found and Saddam may still be alive?”
    “Grr-row!” Chomps growled as he lunged at the reporter, the chain barely holding him back. His massive jaws snapped at empty air, making a hideous clicking sound. He then went back to chain, chewing at it now with even more irrational fury.
    “I don’t have anything to add to Chomp’s remarks,” Rumsfeld stated.
    ROFLMAO!
    I can just see Rummy standing at the podium, nodding at the dog as he says it.

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  23. Hey Spatula,
    “Uh, Chomps did spare the hot Fox news reporter, didn’t he…? :-)”
    After he dined on the Times correspondent, Chomps spotted the Fox doll, became immediately aroused and tried to give her a leg-hump. After she and Buck managed to remove him, he noticed Helen Thomas crawling toward the door and…well…

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  26. I thought the North Korea nuke point was the wittiest but I found this the funniest:

    “As long as our troops got to kill bad people, they’re happy,” Rumsfeld replied, “It’s not like anyone joined the military to not kill evil foreigners.” Rumsfeld looked to Buck the Marine who stood at the far end of the room. “Did you join the Marines to not kill evil foreigners?”
    “Quite the opposite, sir.”

    I can picture this scene so well…

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  27. My biggest gaffaw was for:
    “I have a question about finding WMDs in Iraq…”
    “Let me save you your breath,” Rumsfeld answered, “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
    I bet Real-World Rummy has wanted to give that response to most reporters’ questions!

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  28. In Frank’s World

    Today, Frank J. publishes a Rumsfeld “press conference.” Excerpt: “I have a question about finding WMD’s in Iraq,” said a reporter as he stepped forward while cautiously eyeing Chomps. “Let’s me you save you your breath,” Rumsfeld answered, “I don’t…

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  29. “I would like to remind North Korea that we also have a plan for reducing the size of their military that involves nukes. Next question.”
    This line made me laugh the hardest. And I see it worked for many other people too 🙂

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  30. Having spent years of my life on a mountain-top on an island just south of the North Korean border, after watching my mother cry 15 years earlier when my father was giving a year of HIS life to hold the line against those alleged humans, I confess that I am VERY STRONGLY in favor of planning a tactical nuke effort which begins and ends within about 12 minutes, or less, and not only takes out ALL plutonium/uranium processing facilities there, but also cleans the blackhead-pimples off the face of NorKor once and for all. 12 minutes, as the focal climax (whoof!) of several months of planning, followed by US paratroopers being dropped WAAAAAAY behind the DMZ, right next to the Nork Gulags, in fact, where they very quickly eliminate the vicious, barbaric prison-guards and free the FAMILIES of people SUSPECTED of political dissent… who’ve been surviving on less than a couple cups of gruel for some time now, as the blessed fat and sassy citizens of the Peoples’ Paradise and Workers’ Wholesale Fast-Food (no Food, gotta Fast) Kim Jong-ill Theme Park only get 900 calories a day… or was that 90 grams?
    Ah, well, those minor details would fade away, ere the ‘shroom clouds blossom over PyongYang and, suddenly without communication, direction and motivation, the 1.1 million-dwarf Nork army swiftly reassesses its options and says, “Hey! Lettts Maaaaake A Deeeeaal!” and -presto- reunification, in one swell foop.
    Wouldn’t set well with the SowKors, who’ve come to be VASTLY POSSESSIVE of their right to food and other secondary benefits of the Yankee Imperialist Lickspittle Way of Life, but fork’em! They NEED a big challenge to shake the cobwebs away and remind them of the value of helping others escape the horrors of Communism!
    {Certain names were changed, to protect the guilty. Certain memes were expressed sarcastically, to whet the appetite.}

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  31. Two things;
    Frank, Rummy’s plan to reduce North Korea’s military manpower almost nuked my breakfast, keep it up.
    In a rather unrelated comment, the real-world Fox News reporter was on the verge of tears at the scene of the suicide bombing yesterday in Jerusalem. Now I also admire her.

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