Archive of entries posted on March 2004

I See My Prey Wounded… So I Strike Once More

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Jonah Goldberg is obviously intimidated by me, so I decided to further press my case with Rich Lowry.

To: THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMacing Jonah Goldberg
I saw in The Corner that Jonah Goldberg found out about my job offer to you and called me a blogo-scab (I guess his laziness comes from his union-like mentality). He then pathetically begged to keep his job and blamed his problems on this alleged book he’s writing. Obviously he’s scared, and why wouldn’t he be. A random website using some unknown algorithm ranked me as much more influential, and then he saw how young, dynamic, and witty I am compared to how old and stale he is. As any highly-intelligent person (such as you, Mr. Lowry) would realize, I am the much better choice as a writer to keep NRO fresh an influential. Also, quite frankly, by hiring me, NR will finally have the sexy young male it needs to attract a larger female following (I mean other than you, Mr. Lowry). It’s like you currently have Aquaman on your team and our now being offered Superman (accept your Aquaman, instead of talking to fish, talks to a couch, for pete’s sake).
And, other than my blog, I have written for a paper before. I wrote for The Tartan, the official newspaper of the esteemed engineering college Carnegie Mellon University (yes, the same CMU whose self-driving Humvee failed the DARPA challenge in the desert; what can I say — the place has gone to hell since I graduated). I wrote thoughtful editorials on why we should be able to openly carry firearms on campus, why the environment is our enemy, and against tolerance. My writing was described as “witty”, “insightful”, and “somewhat less boring than everything else in that rag”. BTW, while I’m on the topic of me having graduated from CMU, I could also design a digital circuit if either NRO or NRODT needed it (has Jonah ever offered that? I doubt he could even design the simplest ALU at the transistor level).
What I am offering is to write a column exclusively for NRO and prove I am the greatest writer ever. As soon as you see it, I’m sure you’ll exclaim, “Forsooth! A column of such extraordinary quality I have never seen! Before we traveled in dark, but now our world sparkles anew at the sight of these words of pure gold and silver!” And then you’ll dump that dead, uninfluential weight that is Jonah Goldberg (and his little dog, too) and hire me.
I’ll be waiting to hear from you (but not for long; someone as talented and influential as me will not sit around forever).
Cordially,
Frank J. Fleming
http://imao.us
P.S. Tell Jonah’s mother I said, “Hi.” She’s nice.

I can almost taste Jonah Goldberg’s job now, and it is sweet…
Wait a sec, what if Lowry actually responds back and wants a column? What the hell am I going to write about?
Dammit! I knew there was a flaw in this plan…
UPDATE: I haven’t heard back from Lowry yet, but here’s what Jonah said:

bring it on chief

How Kerry-esque.

T-Shirt, Contest, Jonah Goldberg Insults Me, and More

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Time for a lunchtime update.
There have been a lot of preorders for my new t-shirt, but I checked the number versus everyone, and everyone has not ordered one yet. Do some of you admire the French? Are you saving up to move there along with your leftists Hollywood friends? If so, you sicken me.
There will be a contest to name the official IMAO T-Shirt Babe, but I’m still working out the details. You may have to buy a t-shirt first to enter, as that will prove the photo is recent and actually of you. Well, I’ll figure things out as quick as I can and make the announcement along with what the prizes will be. Any good suggestions on how to do this would be appreciated.
Some jerk tipped off Jonah Goldberg to my evil plan, causing him to beg for his job. Then he calls me a blogo-scab. He is so going down!
I haven’t had a chance to read it all yet, but I saw this The Onion article lastnight, and, if you’re a Rumsfeld fan, it’s worth checking out just for the headline and photo.
Right Wing Stuff has renewed their ad for another month, so make sure to check them out or I’ll have Chomps fall off a tall building and die in the next In My World™.
Finally, I have someone set up for my next interview. Who, you ask? You’ll have to wait to find out, but it should be hella cool.
UPDATE: Got this letter:

Dear Mister Frank (if that is your real name!),
You have thrown down the gauntlet against Jonah Goldberg one time too many, and boy Chester, we won’t take it lying down!
http://gphiles.com/archives/1973.php#001973
You seem to have forgotten that Jonah has the might of an official fan blog behind him, and by fan blog I mean Coalition of the Willing. Further incursions on his livelihood or person will not be tolerated.
Cordially,
-Eric Spratling
www.gphiles.com
www.dirtycentaurs.blogspot.com

Hey! He stole my “cordially” (which I stole from William F. Buckley).
Anyway, I didn’t start this. If Jonah kept writing three times a week like he used to, there wouldn’t be cause to replace him with a younger, hipper, more productive version like me.

In My World: The Warmongerers Ride Again

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“Republicans are crooks and liars,” John Kerry announced in a haughty tone at a press conference.
“You’re the liar!” Bush shouted at the T.V.
“And foreign leaders all think I should be president,” Kerry continued.
“That’s a damn dirty lie,” Bush yelled, shaking his fist, “Everyone hates you!”
“And his biker gang the Warmongerers are too chicken to take on my biker gang, The Hell’s Democrats.”
“That’s the biggest lie of all!” Bush screamed, jumping out of his chair.
“And one more thing,” Kerry said, “it’s worth mentioning that I served in Vietnam.”
“That part might be true,” Bush admitted, “but the rest is lies, and you know what that means we need to do…”
“We should have a press conference to repudiate him?” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan suggested.
“Someone hit him,” Bush said. Rumsfeld obliged. “What we need to do is get our biker gang back together and then trash Boston to draw out John Kerry. Then, I bash in his lying face!”
“That sounds pretty illegal,” Scott said.
“That’s what pardons are for, dweeb,” Bush answered, “You’re such a whiner, Skippy; the only reason we keep you in this biker gang is we need a fourth person to draw off gunfire from the police.” Bush looked to Cheney. “You ready, Chainman Charlie?”
“Big time!” Cheney answered as he swung a chain in the air.
“How about you Mad Dog?”
“If it involves destruction, I’m always ready,” Rumsfeld announced.
“And are you through whining, Skippy,” Bush asked Scott.
“Am I going to have to have a green mohawk again?” Scott inquired.
“Absolutely.”
Laura Bush then entered the room and saw everyone readying weaponry and leather jackets. “You aren’t all planning on participating in some biker gang violence, are you?” she asked suspiciously.
“No dear,” Bush answered, hiding his tire iron behind his back, “We’re just uh… what do politicians do… we’re making a bill.”
“Isn’t that the job of the Legislative Branch?” she asked skeptically.
“The what branch now?” Bush said with confusion. He then pulled out his wallet and handed Laura some money. “Here honey; go buy yourself some shoes.”
“Well I would like some new shoes.” Laura then gave a stern look to everyone. “But I’m going to keep my eye on you.” She then walked out of the room.
“Whew… that was close,” Bush sighed.
“You need to learn to keep your woman in line,” Rumsfeld growled.
“Whatever,” Bush answered. “To the bike depository!”

Now in leather jackets and jeans, the four members of the Warmongerers prepped their bikes. “Skippy,” Rumsfeld called out to Scott, “I need to take my dog on this trip. He’s going to ride with you. He doesn’t like it if you go too fast or too slow; it makes him angry. If you’re going to wrong speed, he’ll bite you painfully. If you’re going to right speed, he’ll bite you less painfully.”
Chomps jumped up on the bike behind Scott and growled in his ear. “Eep.”
Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell then walked into the garage. “What are you guys doing?” Condi asked.
“We’re going to go trash Boston to get back at Kerry for all his lies,” Bush explained, “You two can be in charge of America and thus the world while we’re gone.”
“Fine,” Condi answered, “Have fun.”
The four rode off on their bikes, Scott screaming all the way as Chomps bit into his shoulder. “So what should we do?” Condi mused.
“We could work on plans for the reconstruction of Iraq,” Powell suggested.
“That’s boring.”
“We could check on intelligence about al Qaeda.”
“I already did that this morning.”
“We could use our temporary power to make the white man pay for his injustice against the black race.”
Condi shrugged her shoulders. “Eh… I guess so.”

“Rarr!” Rumsfeld yelled as he smashed the window of a car with his baseball bat. Chomps then ripped a tire off the car with his teeth.
“Time to give this town a heart attack!” Cheney shouted as he drove his bike over some parked cars.
“Yee-haw!” Bush screamed as he waved his cowboy hat in one hand while chasing down some Bostonians with his bike.
“It’s a violent bikah gang!” exclaimed one Bostonian, “We shouldn’t have pahked our cah here!”
“Come on!” Bush yelled to Scott who stood idly by, “Create some havoc.”
Scott carefully got off his bike and picked up a beer bottle. He then tossed it, but it hit the ground without shattering.
“Dingus,” Bush sighed.
They then heard the sound of other bikes. Driving up towards the Warmongerers were The Hell’s Democrats – Governor Howard Dean, a.ka. The Dean, Representative Richard Gephardt, a.k.a Dick the Knife, Senator Ted Kennedy a.k.a. Big Fat Teddy K, and Senator John Kerry, a.k.a. By the Way I Served in Vietnam. “This ain’t your town, Tex!” Kerry called out, “Just like towns in Vietnam weren’t mine.”
They all stopped their bikes and dismounted. “Thought you’d guys would be too scared to show up,” Bush answered.
“There’s a lot of action going on here,” Big Fat Teddy K said, “so shouldn’t you be in Alabama?” He then swallowed a whole roasted chicken.
“No one insults me like that!” Bush screamed. He then turned to Scott. “Teach him a lesson.”
Scott was bewildered. “Teach him a…”
“Grerawerr!” Big Fat Teddy K snarled as he charged Scott.
“Eep.”
Gephardt pulled out his switchblade. “I’m finally going to get to cut me some ‘publicans!”
“Bring it on, Dicky!” Cheney yelled, pulling his chain between his two hands.
“I’m going punch you guys in the stomachs!” Dean yelled, “And then the kidneys!
And then the neck! And then the face! AND THEN I’M GOING TO STOMP ON YOU WHILE YOU’RE DOWN! YEAGH!!!”
“You’re all talk and large veins protruding through your neck!” Rumsfeld answered.
“What this is really between is me and that lying Kerry,” Bush asserted, “Having Scott pummeled by Big Fat Teddy K isn’t proving anything. It’s me and the haughty, aloof French-looking man that need to rumble!”
“You make think I’m haughty and aloof,” Kerry answered, “but I’m with the common man enough to know how to be a violent biker.” He then turned to his butler. “Jeeves, my biker boots are dirty.”
“I’ll fix them for you sir,” the butler said as he dusted Kerry’s boots.
“And, I served in Vietnam!” Kerry said threateningly to Bush.
“You and all your wife’s ketchup money don’t frighten me!” Bush answered, “Time to prove you a liar and knock the French-lookingness and possibly some Botulism right out of you!”
“Enough talk!” Rumsfeld yelled, “Back in my day, presidential candidates settled disputes with a nice death race.”
“I’m game!’ Kerry exclaimed.
“So am I,” Bush stated as Scott flew overhead.

“This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News, bringing you live the first of three scheduled presidential death races. Each candidate will get an opening statement. They will then race towards the edge of a cliff on their motorcycles while trying to kill each other. Only the winner will get a closing statement.”

“I’m severely injured,” Scott told Bush weakly.
Bush rolled his eyes as he got on his bike. “It’s always something with you, Scott. Hey, when Big Fat Teddy K threw you, Chomps caught you.”
“Yeah, and then shook me around like a play toy.”
“That’s just his way of saying he likes you,” Rumsfeld said.
“Likes you in pain!” Cheney laughed.
“Good one!” Rumsfeld rejoined.
“That’s not…” Scott started to say, but then Chomps bit his leg. “Ahhh!”
Kerry rode up beside Bush. “Ready to die… just like people died when I was in Vietnam?”
“Let’s see what you got!” Bush answered, shaking his tire iron in the air.
“Jeeves, hand me my death race polo club.”
“Certainly, sir.” Kerry’s butler answered as he handed over the club.
“Senator Kerry, you get the first opening statement,” Melinda Hawkish said as she held her mike out to Kerry.
“Bush will not survive today,” Kerry stated, “He will perish, and many foreign leaders are rooting for me to kill him. After he is dead, I will make a necklace from his ears, just like I did in Vietnam.”
“And your statement, President Bush?”
“I’ll murder you dead, Kerry! And if there really are any foreign leaders who support you, I’ll hunt them down and assassinate them!”
“That concludes the opening statements,” Melinda said, “Now the race begins.”
Both Bush and Kerry drove their motorcycles towards the cliff at full speed. Kerry swung his polo club at Bush while he defended with his tire iron. They fought viciously for a little bit, but then Bush took a confused glance towards the cliff. “Wait a sec,” he said, “The idea is not to die right? We’re not racing to off the cliff, are we?”
“Only the loser is supposed to go off the cliff,” Kerry answered, “One of us is supposed to brake before then… I think.”
“But our brakes were disabled as part of the death race.”
“Hey, I thought you were supposed to know how this worked.”
“I was just going to follow your lead,” Bush answered.
The cliff quickly approached.
“Swerve out of the way!” Kerry yelled. Bush turned his bike, smacking into Kerry. “Not into me!”
“Bail!” Bush shouted as he jumped off the motorcycle. Kerry was stuck, and he and the two bikes went off the cliff.
“Tell my wife I served in Vietnaaaaaaam!” he yelled as he fell.
Bush got off the ground and shot his arms into the air as the flames of an explosion shot up behind him. “I think I won!”

“Even worse than Kerry being horribly burned,” Bush said, “he now knows he was wrong about whatever it was he said that started this in the first place.”
“I don’t care anymore,” Cheney answered.
“I’m out of whiskey!” Rumsfeld stated angrily as he looked in his whiskey flask.
“Why won’t Chomps stop biting me!” Scott cried as Chomps dragged him across the ground.
“1596, 1598,” Bush said as he walked down the street, “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I’m home!” He stared through the gates for a moment. “Why is the Whitehouse painted black?”

Target of Opportunity

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Since some website has ranked me quite influential, I’ve decided to use this opportunity to steal the job of my arch-nemesis, Jonah Goldberg (yeah, he doesn’t know I exist, but it helps to aim high with your arch-nemeses). Jonah Goldberg likes to write funny columns about politics, but I plan to write even funnier columns about politics… so funny that the world will never be the same. Anyhoo, here is what I wrote Rich Lowry:

To: comments.lowry@nationalreview.com
From: imao@cfl.rr.com
Subject: A message to Rich Lowry from one of the most influential bloggers and/or reporters
According to a website I had previously never heard of that has ranked the most influential reporters and bloggers on the web (http://www.blogrunner.com/snapshot/top-authors-00.html), my blog, IMAO, currently ranks at 23, higher than such respected NY Times Columnists as Thomas L. Friedman and William Safire and such disrespected NY Time Columnists as Maureen Dowd. More importantly, Jonah Goldberg ranks a measly 44. Obviously, to keep National Review Online influential, you must fire that lazy Goldberg and hire me in his place. While I write five times a week even though I have a regular 9 to 5 job, Jonah Goldberg barely hacks out one column a week though his only other duty is to watch his dog chase Jacobin squirrels. Plus, I’d be much cheaper, since, having no experience with column writing, you could quote any salary to me and tell me its fair, and I’d be completely credulous. Also, I’ve designed t-shirts for one of NRO’s main advertisers, ThoseShirts.com, so we practically work together already. If you need any more convincing, I’m sure I could get up to five references that I write good.
You’d be a fool to pass up this opportunity– a complete and utter fool.
A FOOL!!!
Cordially,
Frank J. Fleming
http://imao.us

Muh ha ha ha! Jonah Goldberg’s job is as good as mine, and he’ll never know what hit him!
UPDATE: I got this response which adds to nearly four full words: “will ck out yr stuff”. The plan is in motion…
Oh wait; he’ll see this. Everyone hide!
Anyhoo, going to start working on a new In My World™ for tomorrow morning that I think everyone is going to love. Make sure to check it out… especially if you’re Rich Lowry.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Spain, Swordless Aussies, Influence, Angry Gun Owners, and A Joke About Martyrdom

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  • LET’S DESTROY OUR COUNTRY: So, in response to the elections, the Spaniards elect Socialists? This is why, before now, I have never followed politics outside the States. No one here could run as a Socialist and have a chance of winning. Electing Socialist to run your country is just like shooting yourself in the head.
    No, no… actually, it’s more like shooting yourself in stomach.
  • THE TERROISTS HAVE WON… DEATH!: So now I’m concerned that the terrorists will take the political shift in Spain as a victory, leading to more terror, but then I remember, whether they think they won or not, we’re still going to kill them. And then I’m happy.
  • HERE TO STAY: Now the Spanish Socialists are planning on withdrawing troops from Spain. You’ve always heard of refuseniks (here’s one jerk), but what if the Spaniards refuse to leave and stay to kill terrorists? Then what are they? Killniks?
  • FAVORITE OF COMMIES AND PINKOS: John Kerry claims that there are foreign leaders who support him, but won’t say who. One we know of is Kim Jong Il, as they play anti-Bush John Kerry speeches in North Korea. Another is the incoming Socialist to Spain. Other than that, it looks like he’s just doing Gore-esque boasts. Even Chirac won’t support him, as the French hate all Americans, even the haughty, French-looking ones, who – by the way – served in Vietnam.
  • THEN ONLY NINJAS WILL HAVE SWORDS: Bad news for our Aussie friends: they’re banning swords. Soon they’ll all be dying from ninja attacks with nothing they can do to save themselves. I’m just glad I live in America where I can legally carry a sword with me wherever I go… as long as I can find a way of concealing it. And just wearing a trench coat like in Highlander doesn’t actually work. You could try shoving it down the front of your pants, but most people probably won’t buy that.
  • I’M INFLUENTIAL: There is a list of the most influential bloggers and reporters, and Reynolds, who is number one, is skeptical. To help with that skepticism, I’m number 19. Take that, Jodi Wilgoren of the New York Times.
  • SLACKER GENIUSES: I am ashamed to have graduated from CMU, who have failed DARPA and our country by completing only 5% of the course with their robot Humvee. What? Did they assign the “special” engineers to design the automated vehicle? I say, if a student can’t make a Humvee that drives itself, he should be expelled. Now our poor troops have to drive themselves like normal. Sorry guys; you deserve better.
  • MONKEY NEWS: Six monkeys were found in a man’s apartment in New York. Ends up he meant them to be there, but, if you move into a new apartment and find it overrun with monkeys, don’t be afraid to bring that up with the super.
  • POKING TIGERS WITH A SHARP STICK: There is a plan for a Fort Wayne.com in Indiana to publish the names of all concealed weapons permit holders for all sorts of fruity reasons they came up with. Publicola is all over this, and wants to retaliate by publishing as much information as he can about the people from Fort Wayne. Don’t those people know that to single out gun owners makes them angry, and, well, they have guns? I say give the angry gun owners the addresses of those pestering them and then see who also becomes gun owners.
    BTW, there is now an Angry Gun Owner Association site based on my previous idea.
  • MARTYRS: A reader Rob sent in this joke:

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The oldest mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
“This is my oldest son Mohammed. He’s 24 year old”, says mum.
“Yes, I remember him as a baby” says the other mother gleefully.
“He’s a martyr now though” mum confides.
“Oh dear?” says the other
“And this is my second son Kalid. He’s 21”
“Oh, I remember him,” says the other happily, “he had such curly hair when he was born”.
“He’s a martyr too ” says mum quietly.
“Oh gracious me ….” says the other.
“…and this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed. He’s 18”, she whispers.
“Yes” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school”.
“He’s a martyr also,” says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, “Its amazing, they blow up so fast, don’t they?”

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.

Know Thy Enemy: Computer Viruses

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If I’m not getting spam or e-mails from limeys, I’m getting viruses. Usually Norton AntiVirus or my e-mail service takes care of most, but the few that get through to me all scream, “Hey! I’m a virus!” (actually, they’re worms, but now we’re getting technical). It seems someone is opening these attachments, though, so, as part of my civic duty, I set my crack research staff to find out all they can about malicious computer code.
FUN FACTS ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES
* In the very first computers, bits were represented by hamsters running in hamster wheels. Running clockwise was a zero, and counter-clockwise a one. The first computer virus was a hamster flu intentionally put into an American computer by the evil Soviets. It caused dementia in some hamsters making some run the wrong way, resulting in bit errors. Other hamsters died, resulting in data loss.
* Early computer viruses were limited by the fact that no one had computers.
* Technically, a virus is code that affects a specific program, a worm is self-replicating code that spreads itself through a network, a trojan horse opens a backdoor for access into a computer, a time bomb is malicious code that lies dormant until specific stimuli, and a nose bite is when someone hollows out your monitor and places a monkey inside who then jumps out and bites you when you sit down. Flat screen monitors were invented as a security measure against the latter.
* Some e-mails use social engineering to harm a computer, falsely warning someone to erase a critical file. These viruses can be stopped by ignoring the e-mail like you do most e-mails anyway.
* Many viruses use exploits in Microsoft Outlook Express, a.k.a., Microsoft Security Hole with e-mail functionality.
* Microsoft says that you should learn to live with viruses and stop being such a bunch of whiners. They also want to remind you that they are very big.
* So far, no computer virus can physically harm you, but I’m working on it.
* Computer virus writers are usually long haired kids wearing Pokemon t-shirts. If you see one, beat him up.
* Palestinians considered using computer viruses as a way of inflicting terror against Israel, but gave up when they couldn’t find a way to kill themselves while doing it.
* If you think your computer is infected, throw it away and buy a new one. It’ll help the economy.
* People write malicious code because, well, destroying stuff is cool.
* If your computer crashes a lot, that could be a sign that your computer is infected or that you’re using Windows 98.
* Very few viruses affect Linux. Many attribute this to the open source nature of that operating system leading to better security, but it could also be that the geeks who make viruses probably use Linux and you don’t s**t where you eat.
* One way to fight viruses is to never open any attachments sent to you. Another way is to open all attachments and let the computer viruses kill each other.
* You can avoid viruses by not connecting your computer to the internet. Oh… too late.
* If your computer is disconnected from a network, you have what is called an “air gap” between you and the network. The only way a virus can be transferred between the two is if someone physically puts one on your computer via a disk or CD. Stand by your computer with a bat to prevent that.
* Computer viruses can erase important files. Then again, so can the delete button. Destroy that button before you one day regret it.
* Just because an e-mail is sent from a person you know doesn’t mean you can trust it thanks to e-mail spoofing. Also, the person you thought you know may have turned against you and intentionally sent you the virus. Kill him.
* One day, malicious code out there might mutate and become sentient and then turn against humanity and launch nuclear weapons against us. Norton AntiVirus probably won’t protect you from that. I don’t know about McAfee.
* Sometimes attachments will try to entice you by using titles like ILOVEYOU.TXT. Don’t fall for it! No one loves you.
* In a fight between Aquaman and computer viruses, Aquaman would be thrown out of the Justice League for infecting their computer network when he forgot that, though he can talk to fish, they can’t e-mail him.
* If you’ve finished reading this list, your computer is now infected.

The Limey – Episode VI: Bloody Fascism

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STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with “ronin”. S**thole has been replaced with “superior”. Rage Against the Machine lyrics have been added to to make them happier.
Now The Limey has seen blood, nearly two hundred innocent people murdered, and he wets his pants with glee. Even he undestands American’s concerns for all people of the world, and knows that American Frank will not be able to brush off the jibing with simple humor. Thus, he writes his new e-mail, backround in red… the color of blood.

Hello, redneck. ETA have struck again!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
But you must understand that I don’t condone the killing of innocent people(although I’m sure some of them weren’t innocent. I bet there was a few greedy lawyers murdered in Madrid, which is a good thing. And a few George Bush sumpathisers.) but I support what ETA stands for. I don’t support the killing of innocent people by the IRA but I support the fact that they are on the Left. All the IRA want is a united socialist Ireland instead of Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland. You should remember that Franco (he was the fascist leader of Spain for over thrity years) oppressed the Left in the Spanish Civil War from 1936-1939 and when he won the war and established a dictatorship he obviously pissed the Left off. So ETA was formed to fight the right-wing maniacs and they’ve done it ever since. It’s not as simple as ETA have bombed Madrid so they’re in the wrong. Listen, ronin this dispute between ETA and the Right-wing maniacs goes back about se! venty years! You should get hold of a few history books before writing your response to this! Then you should go and see a doctor – I know it will cost money in that superior country of yours with national health being privatised but I seriously recommend it. You are completely mad!
Here’s some Rage Against the Machine lyrics from the 1999 hit “Guerrilla Radio”.
At the end of the song they make refrence to a left-wing revolution – the need for a left-wing revolution. It goes like this…
It has to start somewhere
It has to start sometime
What better place than here
What better time than now
All hell can’t stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can’t stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can’t stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can’t stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can’t stop us now (la la la la)
All hell can’t stop us now (doobie doobie doo)
www.musicfanclubs.org/rage/lyrics/guerrilla.htm
PS: I know I said I wouldn’t respond but I had to. You are clearly pissed off with the capitalist system receiving a good beating in Madrid! Ha! Ha!
I hope this continues. No wait…I KNOW THE LEFT WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE EVIL CAPITALIST ESTABLISHMENT!
It’s good to see I have left-wing support on your website. I’m sure you’ve seen the likes of XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant posting messages and kicking right-wing arses in the process. They are part of the Left-wing coalition.

Will the simple backwoodsman, American Frank, horrified by the death and destruction in Madrid, give into hatred and respond with the anger The Limey and his imaginary friends so desire? Stay tuned…
Now the ignorant redneck American Frank slowly types out his e-mail, moving his lips as he writes the words to his response:

Hey Limey! I was so worried you weren’t going to write me back! How was your day? Has the left-wing revolution finished up yet? Here in America, I gave blood today to keep my fellow fascists alive. I have O- blood, so it will go to baby fascists… like some of which your friends killed, limey I guess if your a dedicated anti-fascist, it doesn’t matter the age of the person; if he or she doesn’t share your views, that person must be blown up. But why did they time the attacks to ensure that Aznar wins the election?
So are you celebrating that lots of innocent people are killed, limey? You seem to be waffling back and forth there a bit like John Kerry (who you said before was a fascist). Frankly the whole thing confuses me. I would have thought that people who indiscriminately kill others for the sake of their wacky viewpoints would be fascist, but you say they’re the fascist fighters. I guess that’s one of these neat things I learn from my limey friend. Maybe you could see if one of your Rage Against the Machine albums has a glossary so you could tell me what “fascism” means. I’m really curious, limey!
If only I could be a dedicated anti-fascist like you, limey, and celebrate lots of men, women, and children getting killed. That makes me sad… which I guess is part of my fascist tendencies.
Then again, maybe your wrong, limey. Maybe you’re the fascist. You celebrate things that makes people sad, and that has to be wrong. I think you’ve gone way too limey.
I know! You need a de-lime-ification! Here are the steps:
* Take a lime and stomp it to pieces.
* Enjoy a government certified American blockbuster movie like Die Hard.
* Admit that XTREME ONE, Carl, Johnny Depp and the Spanish Militant are all made up and that you have no friends (come on, they all posts within seconds of each other, have the same IP address – 193.195.78.98 – and it’s just too hard to buy that anyone else shares your limey views).
* Admit that Fascist McFascist does exist and is the founding member of Rage Against the Machine who make lots of money through the capitalistic selling of their albums, laugh at all the silly kids who take them seriously, and have whole fields of apricot trees they keep to themselves.
* Drink a Corona with a wedge of lemon in it instead of lime.
* Stand atop a mountain while a storm rages about you and shout into the air, “I AM A LIMEY NO MORE!!!”
Do all that, and you won’t be a limey anymore. If you continue on your path, though, I have a warning. There was once a whole empire called the Soviet Union based on your limey ways, and it ended up collapsing from the inside (with the help of an American B-Movie actor). I don’t see how a ragtag group with no support will do any better.
You can rage against the machine all you want, yelling and shrieking and it won’t care, but if you step over the line and do harm, there is no power greater than the rage of the machine. As Aristotle once said, “All rage and all political discontent if pressed too far will find a quick end from the burst of an M-16.”
We’re all praying for you, limey. Hope your de-lime-ification goes well.
Your Friend,
American Frank
P.S. On behalf of those dead, their loved ones, and all of Spain…
WANKER!

Will the limey de-lime-ify himself? Will he be able to define fascism as something other than “viewpoints I disagree with”? Find out in the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!

Here’s Your Damn Funny

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Sorry I don’t have a post today, but I’ll get the new Limey e-mail up eventually. Here’s some funny stuff not by me, though.
Is it true? Has someone found a good use for evil monkeys? Check out the Trunk Monkey.
(Thanks to the various readers who told me about it; all the commercials are technically here, but I can’t get the links working.)
Too much motivation at work? Check out these posters and slogans. One of my co-workers has had this one up for a while. Here’s some other good ones:
Procrastination
Adversity
Ambition
Humiliation
Tom Bux met with the NAACP.
BerkeleyGirl found that even the left have humor.
In another example of left humor, here’s how the new touchscreen voting will work.
Here are some great reasons to invade Canada.
Here’s an e-mail I got:

Hi Im from Ireland.
Over here the f**kin place has turned into La- La Land.
Shannon International Airport, the place where American airplanes refuel on the way to free Iraq from tyranny is under siege from Left-Wing raving loons.
We need the help of America.
Please send up panzerfausts, MG42 machine guns and flame-throwers so we cant toast these crazy Trotskites with their s**tty pizza faces and Che guevera T-shirts.
Leaping leprachans! We’re in dire straits.

Any ideas on how to help Ireland? We owe them since they gave us Guinness and half my genes.
Finally, this week The Onion has a picture of Cheney clotheslining an aide. It’s funny because it’s true.

Not Funny

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I’m pissed, and I don’t write good humor when I’m angry. Right now my main concern is finding out more about the terrorist attack in Madrid (looking more like it’s by al Qaeda), and that’s certainly not something to be flipant about. When we see that many innocent men, women, and children killed, nationality disappears in an instant and all I see are people suffering and evil out there.
And I’m pissed.
Spain had some huge allies in us, Britain, and others, and justice will be coming like a bat out of hell for those responsible. Do little, pathetic terroists think they really can intimidate us. Do they think their attacks will do anything other than make us more resolved in killing the bastards?
Anyway, I don’t know what will happen with posting tomorrow. If anyone knows ways people here in the States can help Spain, please tell me in the comments.

Thus Gloats The Limey

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I was going to comment more on The Limey, but he just wrote back, and it’s hard to damn him more than his own words. Thus, episode six of The Limey is coming tomorrow.
Until then, Combustible Boy of the former The Sound and the Fury has spotted Fascist McFascist (look for the title “WELCOME TO McFASCIST’S HOME of the INFAMOUS NUREMBURGER”). If you have any more Fascist McFascist sighting, please e-mail them to me. The greatest trick Fascist McFascist ever did was convincing the world he doesn’t exist.
BTW, who want to bet whether The Limey mentions Rage Against the Machine again?

The Limey’s Friends Strike

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ETA has struck in Madrid, killing 173 by the current count and making The Limey quite happy from the murder and mayhem, I’m sure. My prayers go out to the victims, and there is yet another group that just placed themselves under the hammer. While good people still stand again the Fascist McFascists out there, all terrorism will get you in the end is dead.
UPDATE: It’s probably just a coincidence, but I hadn’t heard about the ETA until The Limey was spouting off about how they were going to kill the Spanish government just a week ago. Do you think a lot of chatter about ETA had been going around, or do you think The Limey might have actually known something?