Archive of entries posted on March 2004

Frank Answers: Haircut Warranties, Card Tricks, More Ninja Fighting, Cryptography, and My Kid Sounds Dumb

Posted by on

Jay from Ann Arbor, Michigan writes:
Hey, Frank. Yesterday I got my hair cut at Supercuts and as I was paying
the cashier she said that my haircut was “guaranteed for one week”. Do you
think this means that for the next 6 days I am immune to late-night monkey
ninja scalping attacks? If so, how can I best take advantage of the
situation?
Actually, a haircut warranty just protects against a total hairstyle collapse, causing all your hair to droop down your head like you’re some hippy. Late-night monkey ninja scalping attacks should be covered under your homeowner’s or renters insurance (if they happen at your place).
Rick from Randolph
Frank, a long haired guy with a beard (who’s not a hippy, by the way, just an old biker-dude-Nam-era-patriotic-veteran-guy) showed me this card trick where no matter what you do, all the aces come out in the same pile every time. He says it’s trigonometry, but he can’t explain it. Please explain the trigonometricisity of this trick.
So you wan to know want to know what’s behind this vaguely described card trick? It’s sine… and arcsine. Not so special when you know how it works, huh?
This reminds me of a card trick I learned from Mr. Wizard more than a year ago. You have someone pick a card, then you shuffle the deck. Next you lay the cards in three columns putting one in the first column, the next card in the second column, the next the third column, and then back the first column and so on. Ask the person which column has his or her card. Put the deck back together with that column on top, and then repeat laying the cards out in three columns. After the third time of doing this, the person’s card will be on top.
Whatever happened to Mr. Wizard? Rumor has it that he was trying to teach something to little Timmy when an explosion of chemicals horribly mutated him. Now he searches the sewers for victims to suck the blood from. Anyone know if that’s true?
Denny Stone from Oklahoma:
Have you ever considered putting your In My World™ series or any of your other great satires to voice and trying to publish them for news talk radio? I think you should… oh, and if you do and it makes you rich and famous will you give me a cut of the wealth… or at least let me have some fame by telling people you’re my best friend?
I could lie and say you’re my friend, but no money.
This is a great idea… but how do you get on the radio? Guess that would have been a good question for G. Gordon Liddy. Everyone has all these suggestions like doing radio sketches and getting published which are like good suggestions because I get money… but they’re like hard. I’ve tried e-mailing people and saying, “Hey! You publish me!” but it doesn’t work. I always thought that someone important would stumble on my website and give me money without me doing anything.
If you’re important, e-mail me for more information on giving me money.
Traveler from NW Ohio asks:
When does 1 + 1 not equal 2?
For very large values of 1.
Poosh from Britain writes:
It has been almost a year since that first ninja followed me home from school. I came to you for help and you told me to fight the ninja. That made things worse. You then told me to use ninja sprays. That made things worse. You then told me to use vegetarians against the mutant plants that took over my house as result from listening to your advice. That made things worse.
You see, using the internet I claimed I was holding a book club for vegetarians only. Sure enough no less than twenty vegetarians appeared at the set date and proceeded to cut and boil the legions of mutant flowers. I shouted “victory is in the hands of me — Poosh!” and proceeded to kick the vegetarians out of my house shouting “if you’re so concerned about the environment then STOP EATING IT.” I was ecstatic and set about a £20 note and some liquid silver as a thankyou present for you (Frank J). But before I knew it there was a tiny earthquake and thunderbolts and lighting; it was all very frightening. Then I was surrounded by coloUrs of all kinds and a being of great power appeared from nowhere and said “oh foolish Poosh, you have upset the balance of power! With the plant mutants gone the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas will rise up and crush the British government and the official opposition leaving the Liberals as the only party of plausible governance!” NOOOO I screamed! “For know this Poosh, fate had no part in your inability to read the label on the ninja spray — it was the will of–” and then the great being of power vanished and all the coloUrs vanished. I realised a great quest had been handed to me. In listening to your advice I had destroyed the plant mutants whose ultimate purpose was to destroy the ninja hoards of Gothamorgmas thus restoring the balance of power — thus it is left to me to take on the ninja hoards and repair the damage that your advice had given rise to. But as I descended the stairs for a cup of tea I tripped, hitting my head against the cat. I’ve been in a coma for almost a year and have only recently awoken.
So Frank J! What should I do? What advice have you to offer me? I have an air-rifle and British grit as my quest items and British sarcasm is deadly in the right hands! Do you think The Limey is behind Gothamorgmas? What words of wisdom can you offer me?
The advice you gave me:
3 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/06/frank-answers-commie-condiments-ninja-sprays-and-boxing-day/#000760
2 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/06/frank-answers-virgins-in-heaven-cycle-of-violence-and-more-ninja-trouble/#000693
1 https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/05/frank-answers-trees-aerodynamics-and-ninjas/#000646
PS: Have we liberated Iraq yet or did the peaceniks get their way?
Poosh, Poosh, Poosh… if only you were better at following my advice this would never happen. Yes, it’s possible The Limey is supporting the ninjas as he likes all terrorist group, and no terrorist group is older than the ninjas. You could attack The Limey – which would be easier – but the ninjas would still run wild. Thus, I will give you advice on ninja fighting:
* If they kick high, duck.
* If they kick low, jump.
* If they kick middle, you’re screwed. Tell them not to quick middle.
* If they throw a star at you, don’t try and catch it because it’s sharp. Just get out of the way.
* If they swing a sword at you, don’t let it hit you… it could be dirty and give you an infection.
* If a ninja offers you candy, don’t take it.
* You must fight back with fists of fury and feet of irateness.
* Don’t shoot them with an air rifle – that will just make them angry.
* So will British sarcasm.
If you follow that advice, you will defeat all the ninjas. If you don’t defeat all the ninjas, then you’re a bad listener.
And we did liberate Iraq, much to the anger of the peaceniks who gnash their teeth and stomp their feet as the Iraqis get democracy.
Sean from Houston, TX writes:
I have a science question for you. I have heard that one the dangers of space flight limiting the exploration of the galaxy is the random patches of high energy radiation flying around that would kill a human and would be difficult to block since a few meters of iron shielding would be difficult to get around. What is the answer to this problem?
Stay out of space.
Sean from Houston, TX also writes:
Public key encryption has revolutionized internet security, but how safe is the info protected by it since the prime numbers that require factorization to beat them can be cracked by super computers in a matter of decades? Hello! Does anybody see a problem with this. People will be able to read in private emails about my cartoon watching habits with relative impunity in 15 years.
Woo hoo! A cryptography question. Actually, the length of time your data is the secure is based on a number of factors. As we all know, public/private key encryption is made by taking two very large prime numbers and multiplying them together. How large are these primes? Take a large prime like 7919. That’s nothing to these huge primes! That’s just a germ! These primes are so big that, if you saw one, you’d be like, “Hot damn! That prime is huge!” And the larger the primes, the safer the data. By using larger primes, you can keep your data safer than 15 years… by current techniques. The idea is that factoring a number made by the product of two large primes is intractable (that’s cryptography talk for “We’re pretty sure they can’t do that.”). But, if some math-mo-tician comes up when some super new prime factoring method, then all private/public key encryption is worthless.
And private/public key encryption is hard to do, so it’s never used to encrypt data. Usually, it encrypts the key for regular shared-key encryption such as triple-DES or the funky new kid in town, Rijindael (AES). Now, while you need like thousands of bits long key for private/public key encryption to keep your data safe, a 128-bit shared key encryption would take like 8 quintillion years to decrypt now using a supercomputer. So does that mean you data is safe for that long?
No!
Because of Moore’s Law (processing power doubling every one and a half years), your data is only safe for like sixty years. So what can you do if you don’t want future archeologists from decrypting your data when they remove it from your tomb ten thousand years from now? One recommendation is to always use a hex key of all F’s; that way, if someone tries to brute force your encryption (try every key) yours will be the last one they try.
Then again, if quantum computers work, people will be able to try all keys at the same time, and no key size will keep you safe. In the end, the best way to keep your data safe is to put it in a sock and hide it behind your couch.
Pumpk!nHead in Knoxville,TN
My son is almost 4. He is a very intelligent little boy. He can count to 100 and to 20 in Spanish. He is already reading some words. My problem is he has a bad Southern accent. How do I get rid of the accent? He sounds like a moron.
Now, I don’t have kids… or can even stand the sight of them, but I always wiling to give advice on child rearing. I’d say hit him each time he sounds dumb. Then he’ll learn not to sound dumb or to not talk at all. It’s all good.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

T-Shirts T-Shirts T-Shirts

Posted by on

Due to its popularity, there has been a reprint of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorist t-shirt. All sizes are back in stock.
Also, I’m currently working on more t-shirts in the Know Thy Enemy™ series. What will be the subjects? You’ll have to wait and find out.
Right Wing Stuff is trying out advertising on IMAO for a week. Go and click on their ad and check them out to show them that advertising on IMAO is a good idea. Do it now or I’ll have Chomps get hit by a car and die. I really will!

In My World: The Kerry Caper

Posted by on

“It is time to plan our attack,” Karl Rove announced, the room darkening with his presence, “A positive ad campaign will not win this election alone; Kerry must be destroyed from the inside… so speak the elders.”
“I tire of this voting crap,” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “back in my day, the president was decided by a battle to the death. Why, the battle between Van Buren and Harrison was so fierce, that Harrison died a month after inauguration from his wounds. Now that’s democracy in action!”
“Maybe we can ask to substitute one of the debates with a death match,” Cheney suggested.
“I don’t know if this death match idea is a good one,” Bush said, “someone might get hurt.”
“Nancy-boy!” Rumsfeld shouted, and slapped Bush across the head.
“We must not put the president at risk of injury if we are to succeed,” Rove said, “What we need is to find out is what Kerry’s campaign plans are.”
“A break-in of Kerry’s campaign headquarters; that’s a great idea!” Bush exclaimed, “Nothing could go wrong with that!” Bush then ran off.
Cheney opened up a newspaper and started reading. “When you are done with job ads, pass it over here,” Rumsfeld told him.

“I don’t know about a break-in,” Scott McClellan said, “Didn’t that get one president in trouble?”
“Because he got caught,” Bush answered as he pried open a ventilation duct at the roof of Kerry’s headquarters. “Presidents break into places all the time. Once, Carter broke into my ranch in Crawford, Texas, and ate my turkey leftovers. Breaking in to places is all a part of being president since we become mad with power… mad I tell you! Completely and utterly mad!” Bush then giggled to himself as he crawled into the ventilation system, Scott slowly following.
Soon they were inside and could spot massive creatures lumbering through the hallway below them. “What are they?” Scott asked.
“Cave trolls,” Bush answered, “or maybe teamsters. Either way, if they find us, they’ll crush us and eat our bones. Now let’s get down there. Remember to kill quickly and quietly.”
“You never said anything about killing,” Scott protested, but was then pulled from the ventilation into the hallway. They crept silently until they found a large room to enter. In a strange chair at center, they found John Kerry lying asleep.
“This must be where they inject him with Botox,” Bush said as he looked at all the needles. “Luckily I keep extract of poison ivy on me,” Bush laughed as he replaced the Botox.
“Let’s get out of here,” Scott urged, “Kerry and is French-lookingness creep me out.
“Okay,” Bush said, as they quickly made their way into a backroom. At center was a file cabinet labeled, “John Kerry’s Secret Campaign Plans – Don’t Let Republicans See”.
“I think this is what we want,” Bush said as he opened the cabinet and pulled out a sealed envelope. He then put that away in his backpack.
“Who’s in there!” yelled a security guard.
Bush quickly grabbed Scott and put a gun to his head. “Nobody move or tubby here gets it!” Bush shouted.
“Don’t do it!” the guard yelled, “Killing that doughy man is not worth it!”
Kerry then ran in the room, his face swollen and red. “It’s Bush! Kill him!”
“Time for plan B,” Bush said.
“What’s plan B?” Scott asked.
Bush threw down a smoke grenade, and soon the whole room was clouded. When the smoke dispersed, Bush was gone, but Scott still stood there. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about plan B?” Cave troll/teamsters advanced on him. “Eep.”

“Were you involved in a break-in at the Kerry headquarters and then beaten within an inch of your life by teamsters?” asked a reporter.
“That’s crazy talk,” Scott answered.
“Then why are you currently in a full body cast propped up by a stick?”
“Can we keep the question about the White House and its policies?” Scott urged.
“Was Bush responsible for the reason Kerry’s face is now bloated and red?” asked another reporter.
“That’s just the liberal Kerry trying to emulate his liberal hero Ted Kennedy,” Scott answered. He then glanced down at his talking points which said, “When talking about Kerry, mention ‘liberal’ at least three (3) times.’ He then added, “How liberal of him… meaning Kerry.”
“Our viewers hate Kerry and don’t want to hear about him,” Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish said, “What we care about is whether this reelection campaign will distract from killing terrorists.”
“I assure you that terrorists are dying as we speak,” Scott said.
“Can we get graphic pictures of such, including blood coming out of their ears?” Melinda asked, “We need for our new Fox special ‘When America Attacks’.”
“Sure, whatever,” Scott answered.
“There are reports that Bush has John Kerry’s secret campaign plans,” said another reporter, “Any truth to that?”
“That completely, utterly ludicr…” The stick broke, and Scott toppled over the podium. “Can someone help me?” he cried. Chomps then ran over, grabbed him, and started shaking him. “Ahh! News conference is over!”

“Where’s your dog,” Bush asked Rumsfeld.
“I don’t know,” Rumsfeld answered, “I don’t ask him what he does, he doesn’t ask me what I do.”
“So what’s in those secret plans you got?” Cheney asked Bush.
Bush ripped opened the manila envelope and pulled out the memo. He then began to read it out loud. “The secret plans for the John Kerry campaign is to repeat over and over and over and over that he served in Vietnam.” Bush put down the memo and rubbed his hands together evilly. “Now that we know his plans, he’s as good as not elected!”
Cheney rolled his eyes and then took out his cell phone. “Halliburton? This is Cheney. Time for operation codename Frame John Kerry with a Dead Hooker… No, I don’t come up with the codenames.”

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Me Busy (Again), Hillary, Bill, Martha Stewart, Wallet Gun, a Frank Confession, and a Blogger Needs Our Help

Posted by on
  • I got a busy week, so I’m not going to be able to spoil you like last week with all my regular posting plus The Limey. I know, you don’t care. You’re saying, “You’re our clown here to amuse us. Now dance for us! Dance! Ha ha ha!” Well, as John F’n Kerry would say, I served in Vietnam.
  • There are some suggestions that Hillary Clinton could be John Kerry’s running mate. That would be historical for a number of reasons if Kerry gets elected. First, she’d be the first ever female vice president and second Kerry would then break the record set by William Henry Harrison for shortest term in office by “mysteriously” dying within an hour of being inaugurated.
  • There are also some people reading the Constitution and disputing what the meaning of “is” is and saying that Bill Clinton could run for Vice President. This would seem to serve no purpose, though, than to make me go on a murder spree. Why do people want me to go on a murder spree?
  • I never had much of an opinion on this whole Martha Stewart case, but it seems to me she had a bum rap. What was she convicted for? Lying to federal officials? Who doesn’t do that? Once, I said to a cop, “Nice day, officer.”
    Total BS. The day was crummy.
    So what? You going to put me in prison now? Still, Martha Stewart in prison could be cool for some. They’d register their car and get their license plates and remarked, “Wow, someone really put some work into this one. They did so much with just indented print and a little paint. It’s a good thing.”
    I wonder how much you could get for an authentic Martha Stewart license plate on Ebay? Can you sell license plates on Ebay? Ahh, screw Ebay; they won’t even let you sell guns.
  • Iraq now has a constitution. All they need now is strength, dexterity, intelligence, wisdom, and charisma and they’ll be ready to go.
  • Did I just make a Dungeon & Dragons role playing joke? Bad geek Frank! I stab you and you die now!
  • I had mentioned the idea of a wallet gun before, and even people in my college gun club thought that was dumb. Still, in the latest issue of Gun Tests magazine they gave a good review to a $345 Kel-Tec P3AT .380 (made just north of me in Cocoa, Florida) that fits in your back pocket. They also recommend a $35 pocket holster for it that gives it the profile of a wallet. Then, if someone asks for your money, you can go like your reaching for you wallet, but instead pull out your .380 and shoot the guy – which works great if you’re being mugged but not so good if your supposed to be paying for a Slurpee. The only problem with that is where would I put my actual wallet? Oh! I could buy one of those fanny pack holsters and put it in there along with another gun. Now all I’ll need is to get a second .45 to replace my PPK and I’ll be set. I’ll have my primary gun, my secondary (sinister) gun (the second .45), a backup gun (maybe a .38 special that goes in the fanny pack), and a surprise gun for when a gun is already on me (the wallet gun). That would be so cool! Now all I need to do is move to a place with more crime. I hear Cocoa is pretty bad.
  • I have a confession to make: I like Chunky Monkey ice cream. Yes, I like an ice cream with “monkey” in the title that is made by Vermont hippies. It’s just it’s such creamy, yummy banana ice cream with big chunks of chocolate and walnut. I guess the only compensation is that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is too expensive for poor people to buy, who’ll have to settle with the supermarket brand ice cream like starving people in Ethiopia. Anyway, I hope you all still respect me as a blogger; I just had to get that off my chest.
  • Finally, and most importantly, I’d like to say that the blogosphere is more that just news commentary, made up stories about an angry dog, and telling completely true lies about the blending of puppies; I like to think we’re a community too. Right now, one of us needs help. Serenity had broken her ankle and needs surgery. She has a lot of bills, and she won’t be able to have any income for two months as she recovers. She has some veteran benefits, but that won’t cover everything. Serenity was instrumental in getting Front Line Voices up and keeping it running, putting a lot of time into that, and she means a lot to me at least. If you have anything to spare, please go to Serenity’s site and give her a little help during her down time. It’s the American way to help out each other (and I consider all my readers American… even the Canadians). In the least, go wish her well.
    Oh, and if you’re Whitler, finish your damn essay because it would make her happy.

Frank Suggestions for a Running Mate for John F’n Kerry

Posted by on

Since most likely Democratic strategists read IMAO as do all smart important people, I thought I might throw them a bone and help them find a running mate for their haughty, French-looking candidate. Lot’s of people are suggesting John Edwards, Democrat governers, and other boring, predictable suggestions. If Democrats want to really energize their base and get young people like me out to vote who consider the ten minutes voitng much better spent playing vidoegames and eating nachos (my age group is dumb; want to fight about it?), they need someone dynamic who doesn’t fit the usual mold. Here are my suggestions:
Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey
Occupation: Monkey/Massachusetts State Senator
Pros: Really connects with the average Democrat voter by having the same intelligence.
Cons: Extremely liberal voting record. Bites.
Mysterio the Masked Democrat
Occupation: Unknown
Pros: An unnamed Democrat usually does better in the polls than a specific one, so why not have an unnamed Democrat on the ticket. Is he a moderate or a liberal? He’s whatever you want him to be.
Cons: Probably Bill Clinton trying to sneak into office again.
Ninja X
Occupation: Ninja
Pros: Ninja flips and rolls make it hard for Republicans to attack him.
Cons: Due to ninja stealth, he has low voter visibility.
A Kitten
Occupation: Cute Furry Thing
Pros: Everybody likes kittens.
Cons: I don’t. What’s with those freaky slit eyes?
Hitler
Occupation: Genocidal Dictator
Pros: People keep comparing Bush to Hitler; well, let’s see how he stands up to the real deal.
Cons: He’s Hitler.
Satan
Occupation: Fallen Angel/Lobbyist for Evil
Pros: Why go for a watered down Satan like Hillary when you can have the real deal?
Cons: Will probably isolate the religious from the Democrats more so than usual. He’s also a registered Independent.
Megatron
Occupation: Robot in Disguise
Pros: Hard to accuse giant, megalomaniacal robot of not being tough enough to fight the war on terror. Won’t scare off anti-gun-control blue collar Democrats since he can show his own support of guns by transforming into one.
Cons: How does he shrink when he turns into a gun? That doesn’t make any sense.
A Wooden Post
Occupation: Wooden Post
Pros: Lack of voting record makes attacks by Republicans hard.
Cons: Too reminiscent of Al Gore.
Michael Moore
Occupation: Fat, Smelly, Obnoxious Man
Pros: Wacky liberals seem to like him instead of being made nauseous at the sight of him. Hard to imagine but true.
Cons: To keep him happy, most of campaign budget will have to be spent on fried cheese.
Saddam Hussein
Occupation: P.O.W.
Pros: Favorite of the anti-war crowd.
Cons: Might go on murdering spree… but you can say that about anyone.
Sauron
Occupation: Evil Fiery Eye
Pros: Will ensure orc, goblin, and hippy vote.
Cons: Though an all seeing eye, by staying up upon a tower he has the reputation of being aloof much like John Kerry.
An M-16 with Grenade Launcher
Occupation: Assault Weapon
Pros: When it comes time for John Kerry to announce his running mate, he could say, “I liked to introduce my choice of running mate.” He could then pull out the M-16 and shout, “SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND!!!” and that would be so cool!
Cons: Not really much to this one other than the intro– but it would be so cool!
Come up with your own suggestions in the comments section… and no arguing!

Blogger Taxation

Posted by on

Well, I did my taxes, and I declared all my income from my website, including donations, t-shirt sales, and ad revenue minus hosting costs, domain registrations costs, part of my cable modem cost, and part of this laptop I’m currently typing on. Ended up costing me about a hundred bucks in taxes and another ninety or so for having H&R Block do a Form C for me.
Anyone else know how other bloggers are handling blog income? I don’t think Amazon or Paypal reports to the IRS, so it would be pretty easy to get away with not mentioning your donations (but nothing is more wrong than tricking the IRS).

Fishy Fridays

Posted by on

I was going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and about to order a double-quarter pounder with cheese meal for lunch, when I noticed the big ad for the filet of fish meal as was like, “Oh yeah. It’s Friday, and I’m Catholic.” So I ordered the filet of fish, but I really wanted a double quarter pounder with cheese. Still, Jesus died for my sins so the least I can do is choke down a fish sadwich.
Man, and what am I going to have for dinner? Guess it’s Mac & Cheese. I better get some recompensation for this in the afterlife.

The Limey – Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour

Posted by on


STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder

In order to meet broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all profanity has been dubbed over. All swear words that are a noun have been replaced with “ronin”. Mean actions about my mom have been replaced with “a hug”. “S**ting himself” has been replaced with “doing jumping jacks”. The lyrics of the Rage Against the Machine song have been edited to make them happy.
As we come back to The Limey, he has been thwarted once again in piercing the ignorance of American Frank, so he scrambles to make one last try – his final letter – to enrage and belittle the ignorant backwoodsman:

Hello redneck! Can’t say I’ve missed you. So you went shooting did you? I went shooting on monday night – shooting footballs passed my mates in a game of football (or soccer) as you americans call it. No other country apart from Canada calls it soccer, the french call it football, the germans call it football , the cameroons. Oh sorry I mentioned Cameroon – the people that live there are black so I suppose you hate them! In your bigoted mind, If they’re not Stars and Stripes waving protestant whiteboy lunatics then they all need shooting don’t they! Football or soccer as you rednecks call it is a better sport than your soft American Football – American Footballers – if they’re so tought then why don they need all that protection when they’re on the field? Soft bastards! Football is the greatest sport in the world. 1966 – Who will ever forget that year? Sir Geoff Hurst – legend! I was extremely happy during France ’98 when Iran beat America – and it happened in France! PERFECT!
Grimsby – ah – you demonstrated your ignorance not me! You shoot yourself in the foot everytime you type on your computer! I suppose it’s instinctive for rednecks to be stupid! Just for the record Grimsby is a town on the east coast of England. Grimsby Town FC – they’re not a particularly good football team but they’re better than all your American Football Teams!
What’s with your fascination with the man upstairs? Protestants can be as crazy as Mormons! I bet you go on holiday to Utah and Oregon! There’s a lot of religious idiots there. A guy can’t even kiss a girl till he’s about 21. Can’t drink. Can only breathe at certain times in the day, redneck. They’re as crazy as you!
So your fascist Father fought in Vietnam? I hope he got wounded! I hope he dies sooner rather than later! Redneck Bush didn’t fight in Vietnam though – he was doing jumping jacks back in America and then he tried to make out that he took part! I’m sure John Kerry (even though he’s a fascist as well) will use that against Bush again before Bush’s humiliating defeat in November!
Religion = Mad.
So you want Tony Blair killed? So do I! But that proves how stupid you right-wingers really are. You hate the left but you also want to kill the people with the same views as your own! I think you should know that Tony Blair is extremely right-wing, just like Thatcher was. Let me give you some information on what that ronin has done since he became PM in 1997…
Banned various socialists from standing in the Labour Party – this is the party that was built on socialist principles,
sacked George Galloway for opposing the war,
sacked Ken Livingstone,
praised Thatcher,
invested a billion pounds of the tax payers money into the Millenium Dome
project in London,
bombed Yugoslavia in 1999,
bombed Afghanistan in 2001,
raped George W. Bush several times,
bombed Iraq in 2003,
proposed the introduction of ID cards in Britain,
increased council tax,
crushed asylum seekers by reducing their rights,
privatised approximately 20% of the National Health Service,
introduced tuition fees despite promising not to introduce them in the Labour Party’s 2001 General Election Manifesto,
what will this ronin do next?
the list goes on. Very right-wing ideas from Tony Blair and you want to kill him! GO FOR IT! You right-wingers can kill each other for all I care!
You really are STUPID!
Fascist McFascist – he doesn’t exist. The sooner you come to terms with that the better! And the sooner you go to Harvard and learn about history, geography and politics the better. There’s lots of liberals at Harvard – real Americans – Americans with brains. I hope you grow up and realise how stupid you are! After going to Harvard I recommend a psychiatrist!!!!!
Anyway ronin I’ll let you go now. I think your redneck mum wants you to give her a hug! Hows your grandmother who’s also your second cousin, how is she?
And I’m blocking your email address. You will not be able to contact me. I am tired of your ignorance – it will be defeated just like the monarchy in Nepal will be overthrown by Maoist rebels and just like the Spanish Conservative Party will be defeated by the socialist terrorist group known as ETA!
Here’s some more lyrics from Rage Against the Machine. The song “Bullet in the head” is about propaganda – how people actually belive the shit that the news and the government dictate to you. You’re one of those dumb ronins that believe everything that comes out of Wolfowitz’, Powell’s, Rumsfeld’s, Cheney’s and Bush’s mouths! The song is from their first album in 1992.
www.stormpages.com/sanka197/Bulletinthehead.html
Here’s an extract…
Believin’ all the lies that they’re tellin’ ya,
Buyin’ all the products that they’re sellin’ ya,
They say jump and ya say how high,
YOU’RE WELL FED,
SAY HI TO MY NEIGHBOR FRED!
I HOPE YOU HAVE A VERY BAD LIFE YOU RONIN! IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU DIED ON HOLIDAY FROM AN ETA BOMB!

What came American Frank do now? He must be driven to a full rage at this point! And now, the simple backwoodsman responds in one final plea…

I’m starting to think you’re a mean person, limey. First you put out lies that American men actually participate in the women’s sport known in the civilized world as soccer, say all these means things about Tony Blair who I don’t want to be killed, you say Facist McFacist doesn’t exist (he did!), and then I think you were insulting my parents. Then there is your encouragement of terrorism like that Estimated Time of Arrival group you mention. Murder is bad, limey, even if music bands you like say it’s okay. Music isn’t always true. Like, the song “Istanbul is not Constantinople” was true, but not all songs are.
Still, Jesus loves you, limey (even if he wouldn’t get your joke about Grimsby either), so I should give you another chance. I, an ignorant, redneck backwoodsman, have so much to learn from a worldly limey like you, but I have a few recommendations:
* Stop listening to that Rage Against the Machine music. I’m pretty sure they’re bad people and giving you bad ideas. Try listening to some other music like that Britney Spears and mindlessly follow her radical political beliefs instead.
* Don’t support terrorists. Killing is wrong… unless it’s done by the American military. You tell those terrorist to behave themselves before the American military cruise missiles make them behave– behave dead, that is.
* Anyone can look bad if you just list the bad things that they’ve done; try also thinking about the good things Tony Blair has accomplished. He saved a kitty from a tree, kung fu fought ninjas attacking an orphanage, and then used his magical British powers to save the Rats of Nimh.
* There aren’t American at Harvard who support killing and terrorism. If there were, I’d have traveled from my backwoods home and gutted them in my simple redneck ways. Look for better role models like that nice Donald Rumsfeld.
* Realize that not every other person in the world is a fascist. If someone has a different viewpoint, that doesn’t make him evil… just sane.
* Don’t just pretend to swallow the pills the doctor gives you; they’re for your own betterment.
I hope you take my recommendations to heart and keep e-mailing me, limey. You, the smart limey, and me, the ignorant American, have so much to learn from each other. To that end, I’ve written you a song… one even better than those people who don’t like the machine would write:
I have a Brit who is my friend.
We’ll be bestest buds until the end.
He always writes back so I know he cares.
I just hope he don’t murder Tony Blair.
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey, and he’s alright.
Now this little Brit can be mean,
And in every e-mail he mention “Rage Against the Machine”,
But he’s still my friend because he’s funny and cool.
I just hope he’s doesn’t short-circuit his keyboard with his drool.
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey! (yeah yeah)
He’s the limey, and he’s alright.
(drum solo)
What’s an American to do without a limey to show him the way?
His world will be dark, and he’ll have nothing to say.
He’ll just have to try and be happy with his riches and military might.
But without the limey around, IT WILL NEVER SEEM RIGHT!!
YEAAAAH!!!
(guitar solo)
HE’S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)
HE’S MY LIMEY! (yeah yeah)
And the world won’t turn without him around.
They say there is a little limey in us all,
But we lose each time we go to the bathroom stall.
Whoever mothered this limey I’d like to thank her,
Though to him, himself, I have just one thing to say…
WANKER!
You’re Friend,
American Frank

If you would like to continue to see future episode of The Limey, please e-mail Tony Pentin (tonypentin83@hotmail.com) to express how much you have enjoyed his letters and would like him to continue. Perhaps if he gets enough e-mails, he’ll reconsider and keep on entertaining us all.

In My World: Peacekeeping Is Boring

Posted by on

“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message I’m now saying,” President Bush said. “People say mean things about me, but they aren’t true as I am a good person. Look as I pet this puppy.”
“That’s a porcupine!” shouted a voice off-screen.
“(bleep)ing (bleep)!” Bush shouted as the screen faded to a black with the words “Re-Elect George W. Bush.”
Bush turned off the T.V. “We’re thinking of doing a retake on that one,” Bush explained to Laura as he rubbed his bandaged hand.
“All these commercials are nice, dear,” Laura said, “but are you also handling the other problems out there like the trouble in Haiti?”
“I don’t have to worry about that,” Bush answered, “I got Secretary of Defense Elaine Chao on top of that one.”
“Elaine Chao isn’t your Secretary of Defense,” Laura told him.
“Well, whoever is Secretary of Defense knows who he or she is and what he or she should be doing,” Bush said defensively, “Anyway, we have Marines in Haiti; they’ll know what they’re supposed to do.”

“What are we supposed to do, Buck?”
“I dunno, Gomez,” Buck the Marine answered, “You know what we’re supposed to be doing, Johnson?”
“Hell, I don’t know.”
“I guess I’ll ask our commanding officer,” Buck said as he took out his radio. “Commanding officer, what are we supposed to be doing, sir?”
“Your supposed to stop people from rebelling,” answered their commanding officer.
“By kill’n them, sir?” Buck asked hopefully.
“By looking scary,” said the commanding officer, “Oh, and guard that box.”
Buck looked at the crate the three of them were standing around. “We’re supposed to look scary and guard this box.”
“But I want to kill someone,” Johnson said.
“We all do,” Buck answered, “but we have our orders.”
Suddenly a number of Haitians ran out into the street firing guns into the air. “Hey! Look at me! I’m scary!” Buck yelled out while looking scary, “Now stop that!”
The Haitians stopped firing their guns and sulked off.
“This is boring,” Gomez said.
Soon some people approached them. “I’m Lefty Stevens for CNN,” said one man followed by a cameraman, “and I heard that you Marines led Aristide away by gunpoint.”
“If I had pointed by gun at anyone, they wouldn’t be walking much longer,” Buck assured him.
“I’m a black man from the Black Caucus,” said a black man from the Black Caucus, “and being that their are black people in this country, I am sure that racist things are going on!”
“Well, I haven’t been racist to nobody,” Buck said, “How about you, Gomez and Johnson.”
“I ain’t been racist.”
“I just like shooting people.”
“We’re Marines,” Buck explained, “We only judge people by whether they’re American of foreign… and, if they are foreign, we don’t judge them long cause they dead.”
“Ooh-rah!” the three shouted.
“I’ll get to the bottom of this!” Lefty swore, “So what’s in that box near you labeled ‘Aristide’?”
Buck shrugged his shoulders. “MRE’s?”
“Help me! I’m in a box!” yelled the box.
“As a black man from the Black Caucus,” said the black man from the Black Caucus, “I’m going to keep my eyes on all you!” He and the news crew then left.
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News then arrived with her cameraman. “Okay, we’re filming, Buck. Start killing people.”
“We ain’t supposed to kill nobody,” Buck answered.
“But that’s boring!” Melinda complained, “How am I supposed to make a story about American heroism if you don’t kill people?”
“Hey, we’re more upset than you,” Gomez said.
A pickup truck then drove up. Out of it stepped Donald Rumsfeld. “I’m here for the box.”
“Please let me out!” cried the box.
Chomps ran at the box, seized in his mouth, and shook it angrily.
“Bad dog!” Rumsfeld yelled, “Be careful with that. I might want to use the box for putting other stuff in later.” Rumsfeld then picked up the crate and threw it in the back of the pickup.
“So what is in that box?” Melinda Hawkish asked as she pointed her microphone at Rumsfeld.
“Reporters,” Rumsfeld grumbled. “Hey, I’m too important to be keeping track of what’s in every box in the world.” He then looked to the Marines. “Shouldn’t you be killing people?”
“We’re just supposed to look scary,” Buck answered.
“People were scarier looking in my day,” Rumsfeld mumbled as he got back in his truck and drove away.
“I guess nothing to see here,” Melinda said as she walked off.
“Now what do we do?” Johnson asked, “Our box is gone.”
“I’ll ask our commanding officer,” Buck said as he took out his radio. “The Secretary of Defense came and took the box. What do we do now, commanding officer, sir.”
“I guess that’s mission accomplished, Buck. Go have some beers.”
“Mission accomplished and we’re supposed to have beers,” Buck told the other two and then added after a few moments thought, “Ooh-rah!”

Salute to John Kerry

Posted by on

I just realized I never congratulated Kerry for sealing up the Democrat nomination for president, so here it goes:
Welcome to the jungle, baby… NOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!!
I’ll have to make a list of possible running mates for him. Maybe next week because I have an In My World™ idea about current events for tomorrow (don’t expect it early in the morning, ’cause I’m sleeping in).
Later foo’s.

Frank Answers: Free Oil for Troops, Killing The Limey, the Letters ‘I’, ‘M’, ‘A’, and ‘O’, Big Shirts, and the Morality of Downloading Music

Posted by on

Martin writes:
I am a National Guardsman currently serving in the Middle East with Operation Iraqi Freedom. Once I get back to the US, don’t you think I should be entitled to pump as much free gas into my huge SUV as I want? After all, I helped steal Iraqi oil, am I not entitled to my cut?
A National Guardsman serving overseas? I thought only rich people joined the National Guard to avoid service?
I think all our troops deserve as much free gas as you want for helping steal that oil, but I don’t set public policy; I only gripe about it. So everyone call your congressman or woman and say Martin should get free gas or threaten not to vote for him or her. Congress people hate not getting voted for.
Poosh from England writes:
Dear Frank, I am quite frankly disturbed by Tony Pentin’s tone. His hate mail directed at you has aggravated me greatly. You see, I too am an Englishman and I can’t stand the thought of a retarded jelly-moose like Tony living on my Island. So, I ask you, Frank – how do you want me to destroy him? Be warned though, guns are illegal in England so I can’t shoot him. Well, I could with a cross-bow I suppose.
Hey Poosh! How are the ninjas?
Anyway, as long as I find The Limey entertaining, let’s not kill him. Inevitably, I’ll tire of him or he’ll stop responding, and thus he’ll need to be eliminated. If you don’t have a gun (poor Poosh), you could always do things the Rumsfeld way and strangle him. Or you could poison his tea just before teatime. Or you could stage him to be the victim as a soccer riot. There are lots of way to kill people in England; you just have to be creative.
Dan from Auburn, AL writes:
What does the ‘A’ in ‘IMAO’ stand for?
Let’s make a deal; I’ll tell you what the ‘A’ stands for, but you have to tell me what the ‘I’, ‘M’, and ‘O’ stand for because I’m really curious.
Wacky Hermit from Undisclosed Mountain State,
Now that you’re sold out of 2XL IMAO t-shirts, will there be a size large enough for Michael Moore to wear when he comes crawling back to you repenting of his evil ways?
Actually, since Doug the t-shirt guy forgot to list them for a month or so, there should be a decent number of 3XL left. So, if you got a lot of t-shirt to fill, or you’re really small and want your own IMAO tent, buy a 3XL.
George S. at 16 floors above street level, Central Texas writes:
I understand downloading copyrighted music from the Internet is illegal, but is it immoral? If immoral, is it a venial sin or a mortal sin? Isn’t downloadable music really a public good, as my enjoyment of it does not lessen another person’s enjoyment of it and it is cost prohibitive to prevent folks from downloading music? I’ve got to go to confession soon, so I need to know whether this is a sin or not.
I find the best way to deal with moral issues is to not think about them; then you don’t have to worry about guilt or nothing.
Now quiet; Metallica has just started up on my playlist.

Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

The Limey – Episode IV: Jokes and Murder

Posted by on


STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter

Note: To go with broadcast standards and make this appropriate for The Children™, all vulgarity has been dubbed over. f’ing has been replaced with “fantabulous” when it’s and adjective and “not at all” when it’s an adverb. The s-word has been replaced with “wisdom”. Finally, the p-word (rhymes with “stick”) has been replaced with “doo-doo head”.
In this episode, The Limey has failed now three times to enrage the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. Brimming with rage himself, The Limey now ups his ante even further in an attempt to anger his nemesis and prove him a fool. Bile in his throat, The Limey hastily taps at his keyboard his latest and most vile screed:

You really are starting to sound like a broken record, little man. Limey, limey, limey at the end of every fantabulous sentence, bomb, bomb, bomb, France, France, France – give it a fantabulous rest you bigotted nutcase! YOU PERSONALLY will never be the President – at least that’s something. I know this upsets you.
Your sarcasm is terrible by the way. London – bit of a stereotype when you Americans think of England and that’s the city that you chose to say I’m from. Nothing’s changed there then. And I’m not from London. Or should that be LONDON, ENGLAND. Your filmakers always have to point out the country that the city is in don’t they! Like Venice, ITALY and Moscow, RUSSIA. Edinburgh, SCOTLAND. And you know why? BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE IGNORANT BASTARDS!
Seeing as you want to talk about history here’s one of those classic September 11th jokes for you…
Rudy Guiliani and George W. Bush are standing at ground zero after the towers had come down. A man from Grimsby walks over to them.
“Terrible this isn’t it!” says the man.
“Yeah, tell me…I don’t recognise your accent, son, you’re definitely not from Texas. Where are you from?” asks redneck George.
“Ah, Grimsby.”
“Grimsby?! I never heard of that. What state’s that in?” asks the backwoodsman.
‘Same state as this!”
Did that hit a nerve? Well, one things for certain those towers certainly got hit!BOOOOOOM!
So did your soldiers in 1970’s Vietnam. You remember Vietnam? That war where you got hammered?
Hopefully sooner rather than later ETA (left-wing terrorist group in Spain that have been battling for independence since the days of your mate, Franco) will murder the Spanish Conservative government, and the IRA (another left-wing terrorist group) will butcher Blair and the Armed Revolutionary Forces of Colombia (FARC) – a socialist terrorist group will overthrow the fascist regime in Colombia and install democracy!!!!!
Great to see left-wing terrorists murdering right-wing politicians! Brilliant! We’re fighting….and we’ll win!
LOL!
You also mentioned or should that be dictated that you don’t look at maps much…oh I’d never of known that would I? You’re completely ignorant.
I see you looked up the word “Parody” in the dictionary – hope it was an Oxford Concise Dictionary – you know Oxford in south England – that city where that doo-doo head Clinton was educated!
I didn’t bother looking at your fascist links to werismyki and jabberwocky. Your latest email was enough fascism for a lifetime!
All four members of Rage Against the Machine are from America – that country that you’re from. So I don’t know how you can say that it’s foreigners who have the problem with America, when these men represented the views of most Americans. But you’re completely not at all stupid so I guess that’s why you say that usual wisdom!
Did you like my September 11th joke? The whole world did!

Now we go the backwoods abode of American Frank, as he receives the e-mail through his crude RJ-45 cable made of twine. Seeing himself insulted so and the belittling of terrorist attacks on his country, will this simple creature be able to respond with nothing but unbridled rage? Will The Limey finally succeed in causing a psychotic break down in American Frank? Watch now as he responds, typing out his reply on his keyboard whittled from the limb of a sycamore tree:

Hey! It’s my limey pen pal! How’s your limey friends? I’ve been having a great time here in America. I went shooting – which is fun – and then I laughed at the poor people I saw on my HDTV. HD means extra clarity and extra hilarity!
I’m sorry to say limey so much, but I’ve never had a limey friend like you! You’re so cool and teach me so many new things! And I like bombs because the explosions are cool! I like it when we bomb poor countries, because then it’s both funny and cool! Especially watching it all on my HDTV.
I don’t like talking about France, limey, so I’ll stop mentioning them. I really hate them and hope we can wipe out that subhuman race and never talk about them again.
I never thought of being president. It doesn’t pay that well, so I think I’ll take your advice and not go for it. I want to be a rich man and then pull the strings of politicians using all my money. That’ll be lots of fun! Any laws you want me to pass when I’m rich and powerful, limey? What do limeys like to do anyway?
Wow! That’s a lot of cities from other countries! How many other countries are there? I once thought Europe was just one country, but then I found it’s a bunch of wacky smaller countries. That’s silly. But it’s nice that they try and make cities for themselves. How many mud-huts do you have to have to be declared a city, limey?
I’m sorry, limey, but I didn’t understand your joke. What’s a Grimsby? I guess you need work at joke telling, limey. Want to here one of my jokes?
A monkey walked into a bar. The bartender said, “What are you doing in here, you monkey?”
And the monkey said, “Well, I’m…”
And then the monkey stopped talking because his head was blown off since the bartender shot the monkey with a shotgun since monkeys aren’t supposed to be in bars.
Hee hee. Wasn’t that funny? It had a monkey and a bar; that’s what jokes are supposed to have, limey.
Yeah, that was terrible what happened on September 11th. Thanks for trying to lighten my mood with a joke, limey; that was nice of you. Luckily, all the people who died in 9/11 went to America Heaven, the best part of Heaven since Americans are God’s chosen people. And they get to look down and foreigner hell and laugh at all the evil terrorists we killed since 9/11. Foreigner hell is a terrible place where they don’t get to have any of America’s cultural influence and thus have to make do with their own bankrupt culture. That’s more horrible than I can imagine!
Do you know that some of those people nicknamed God “Allah”? I don’t know if God likes being called nicknames, limey. If he does, I’d called him Mr. Big.
Yeah, Vietnam was trouble, limey. My dad fought in that war and he always said to me, “Now, boy, don’t you worry none ’bout no Vietnam. We killed us plenty o’ Commies, and we woulda killed ’em all if it weren’t for them damn hippies. Now promise me, boy… promise me you’ll punch a hippy anytime you see one.”
And always, “I promise, pa. I won’t let you down.”
And I’ve kept my promise. My dad is a smart man. Do you have smart people where you live in London, limey?
Wow! I didn’t know all those governments were going to be overthrown. Thanks for telling me, limey. I guess it doesn’t affect me much, since it’s all other countries. Poor Tony Blair, though; I hope they kill him quick. He seems like a nice guy, though I thought he seemed a bit gay. Ends up he’s just British.
Oh, and you might want to be careful about that murdering, limey my pal. Most religious people look down on that sort of thing, and isn’t there a National Church of Limeys where you are? You might to check with them before you go murdering.
Yeah, I don’t like maps, limey. They’re boring and full of weird words. I like treasure maps, though! If you have a treasure map, I’ll look at that.
And please don’t make fun of our bloated, lecherous, hillbilly president Clinton; American presidents are only for American to make fun of, limey. It’s not right for other countries to have opinions about us; we’re too big and important.
Ha! Almost tricked you into reading the fascist Jabberwocky poem, but you were too smart for me. It would have fascistized you in a second if you did. Actually the Jabberwocky is a huge symbol of fascism, used by the most fascist dictator of all, Fascist McFascist, ruler of Fascistan. The tales tell that he ruled his country with an iron fist, having many great apricot trees and keeping them all for himself. The poor people of Fascistan would plead, “Please gives us some apricots!” But Fascist McFascist would yell, “No!” and then send his guards to beat the poor people.
One day, though, Fascist McFascist found that all the apricots in Facistan were gone! So he went looking for them. First he questioned the sheep. “Did you take my apricots?”
“Baaa! No!” answered the sheep, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Next he questioned the field mice. “Did you take my apricots?”
“Squeak! Squeak! No!” said the field mice, but Fascist McFascist had them beaten anyway.
Then he went to question the cows, but, before he got there, he found that all the apricots with the United States Marine Corp, who then proceeded to shoot Fascist McFascist with their M-16’s until all their magazines were empty. Then they traded the apricots for beer.
The moral of the story is that the only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines… but mainly just the Marines.
Hoped you liked my story, limey. Anyway, I’ll have to listen to more of this Rage Against the Contraption music you talk about instead of just my country music and Christian rock (yay Jesus!). If they represent the views of most Americans, then I better listen up. Do you know if they prefer Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos? I always suspected one was fascist, but I can’t figure out which, limey!
Well, like I said before, I didn’t understand your joke, but I’m glad the rest of the world finds it funny. Living in squalor and filth and having no HDTV’s, they must be in pretty sore moods most of the time. Maybe I should send them a big box of puppets to cheer them up. Or I could just laugh at them. Foreign people are funny.
Hope to hear back from you soon, limey! Don’t go too crazy with the murdering.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. Actually, how are the leftists in other countries going to murder those they disagree with? I thought you couldn’t have guns in all those countries in Europe. Here in America, the left just don’t have guns because their pansies. Actually, just us right-wingers have guns. Come to think of it, we could easily all go on a murder-spree killing all the leftists here in the State and in Canada and in Europe with little resistance at all. Hmm… something to consider next time ammo is on sale.
Wanker.

Who will cave in first? Will American Frank respond with the unbridled rage The Limey so desires, or will The Limey finally get a clue? To find out, tune in to the next episode of…
THE LIMEY!