“There’s nothing better than a good sandwich at an Iraqi cafe after a good day of kill’n for’ners,” Buck the Marine said as he sat down at an outside table.
A man wearing a mask approached him pointing an AK-47. “We have captured you, American! Now you are out hostage! Soon you will…”
Buck reholstered is .45. “Always while I’m eating,” Buck grumbled, “Now my sandwich is going to taste like gunpowder.” He stared at his sandwich for a moment. “Mmm… gunpowder.”
A dozen more armed terrorists surrounded Buck. “You are captured, American!” one yelled.
“Dagnabbit,” Buck swore, “Shoulda listened to the Commanding Officer when he told us to use the buddy system.”
Laura Bush tried to read a romance novel, but the lights kept randomly dimming. She left the bedroom to track down the cause. Soon she found her husband standing outside a locked door. As the lights dimmed, she could hear a scream behind the door. As they came back on, she could here incoherent mumbling with a thick Bostonian accent. “Are you torturing Ted Kennedy with electroshocks?” Laura accused Bush.
“He started it!” Bush answered defensively, “He said we’re as bad as the Saddam torturers, so I wanted to show him he’s wrong by exposing him to real Saddam torture so he could learn the difference.”
“Has he learned anything?” Laura asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t understand a damn thing he’s saying.”
“Well, it’s starting to bother me, dear,” Laura said firmly, “I can’t read with the lights going on and off like this.”
“Sorry, but it took more electricity to shock Big Fat Teddy K than we thought ’cause he’s so corpulent.”
“You are using that word a day calendar!” Laura exclaimed. She then kissed Bush on the cheek. “Know what? It’s a nice day out, so I’ll go read outside until you’re through with your politics in here.”
“Thanks, honey,” Bush said as Laura walked off. He then looked at the locked door. “Fry, fatty, fry!” Scott McClellan then walked up. “I wasn’t talking to you,” Bush said, “You’re ‘Tubby’. Kennedy is ‘Fatty’.”
“I have some news for you,” Scott said quite seriously, “one of our troops has been taken hostage by terrorists.”
“What!” Bush shouted angrily, “Let’s use everything at our disposal to get him back! We’ll show those stinky terrorists a thing or two! So who was captured?”
“Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine.”
“Oh, he can take care of himself,” Bush said, calming down, “Let’s go play Parcheesi.”
“Okay,” Scott answered, and then glanced at the locked door, “but shouldn’t you turn off that thing shocking the Senator first?”
“How the hell would I know? You think I’m torture expert or something?” He then slapped Scott across the head. “Everyone always thinks the worst of me.”
“Who are you people?” Buck asked. He was tied up and seated in the center of a group of masked men. “There’s only two types of people who wear masks: Batman and bad people… and none of you look like Batman.” He squinted at them menacingly. “Actually, you look… FOREIGN!”
“Quiet, infidel!” one of the terrorists shouted. He then held a piece of paper in front of Buck. “You will read this for the camera.”
“You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read,” Buck said firmly, “but I won’t give up any information… even if you make me read something by Toni Morrison.”
“We do not want information from you,” answered the head terrorists, “We will behead you in front of a camera in vengeance for what the abuse at Abu Najib.”
“Wasn’t that Abu Ghraib?” Buck asked.
The terrorist looked confused. “Whatever. We just like cutting off people’s heads while shouting like deranged howler monkeys, okay?”
“But I like my head!” Buck protested, “I use it for all sorts of things… like headbutting. Come closer for a sec.”
The terrorist did, and then Buck headbutted him. “See?” Buck said. “How can you deny pleasures like that from a man? Do you people have any decency?”
“No!” the terrorist yelled, “We only like killing and shouting because of Allah and jooos and some such crap. Now, someone find something good for cutting his head off.”
“We could use this,” said one terrorist, holding up a knife.
“That’s my KaBar!” Buck shouted, “You never touch another man’s KaBar!”
“We will kill you with your own knife,” the terrorist laughed, “Now untie him and hold him down for the camera.”
Buck looked skyward. “I’m in trouble,” Buck said in silently prayer, “These are some of the worst for’ners yet, and I need your wisdom, Grandpappy, on getting out of this.”
“I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation,” answered Jebediah the Marine, “When they untie you, kill them all.”
“Semper Fi, Grandpappy.”
“Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera, now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian,” the anchorman said, “We have heard that al Qaeda has captured yet another American and will behead him in vengeance for the abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Let’s enjoy.”
The tape started rolling, and on screen were the terrorists being chased by Buck with his KaBar. “Let’s see how you like having your heads cut off!” he yelled.
“Save us, Allah!” screamed one of the terrorists.
“Cut them pig f**kers!” spoke Allah from up high, “Yee-haw!”
“Cut the tape!” yelled the anchorman. He then looked to the camera nervously and said, “I guess we’re having some technical difficulties.” He adjusted his collar and then added while shaking his fist, “Technical difficulties because of the jooooos!”
“We’re you hurt at all?” General Abizaid asked Buck.
“All that screaming and yelling gave me a headache,” Buck admitted. “What it was worst on was my KaBar, which I think I’ll need to replace.”
“The Japanese ambassador would like to have a congratulatory word with you,” Abizaid said.
“For being taken hostage, you are very dishonorable,” the ambassador said. He then spit on Buck’s boots.
“Hardass,” Buck uttered as the ambassador walked off.
“And now I would like to award you with the molybdenum star,” Abizaid said as he placed the medal on Buck’s dress blues, “This somewhat prestigious award is given anytime a Marine avoids decapitation in a public forum and then proceeds to decapitate the enemy in return. Now, don’t throw it over a wall, because you only get one.”
A phone was brought out to Buck. “The President would like to have a word with you,” Abazaid announced.
Buck picked up the receiver. “Congratulations,” President Bush said, “on escaping the terrorists and then beheading a dozen of them.”
“A baker’s dozen, sir,” Buck corrected.
“Anyway, if I could ask a favor of you,” Bush continued, “If my wife asks, I was playing poker with you last night.”
“But I was with the terrorist then, sir.”
“Fine. We were all playing poker. They’re dead, so they can’t refute the story.”
“Okay, sir.” Buck hung up the phone and then took out a piece of paper. “I would like to read a speech I prepared.” He cleared his throat. “People should have their heads, and it is wrong for anyone to want to take them away. Anyone who is so evil… so foreign… as to want to cut off people heads and celebrate should have their own heads removed. The terrorists I done cut the heads off of did not like it very much. I hope they learned a lesson from that which will serve them well in for’ner hell where they are surely being sniped by my Grandpappy up in Marine Heaven using the M1-Garand we done buried him with.
“Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them. The world will be a better place when all bad people are headless… or, as seen from another perspective, body-less.
“And one more thing…” Buck looked confused for a moment. “Can’t even read my own dang handwriting,” he grumbled. After starting at it for a moment, he finally exclaimed, “Oh yeah:
“Ooh-rah!”
Ooh-rah! indeed. And please don’t make me read Toni Morrison.
The thought of Teddy K. being electrocuted, brings a smile to my face every time.
“Cut them pig f**kers!” spoke Allah from up high, “Yee-haw!”
Brilliant 🙂
I always get strange looks when my dead grandpappy gives me advice. Oddly enough, it’s the same type of adice that Jebediah gave Buck.
Frank,
Here’s a scientific question for you:
How much ‘juice’ would it take to fry Fat Teddy K’s brain? Would we have to get all the nuclear reactors in America on the same grid or would we have to outsource?
“Ooh-rah!” ‘Bout sums it up for me. Hope the electric grid holds up as there’s LOTS more idjits that need this training.
“I guess we’re having some technical difficulties.” He adjusted his collar and then added while shaking his fist, “Technical difficulties because of the jooooos!”
Best stuff man….this one about killed me!!!!!
“Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera, now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian,” the anchorman said.
Hilarious!
The senior Senator from M’ass is a strategic oil, methane and ethanol reserve. As such, he deserves to be ‘rendered’ all due respect, and a respectful distance, due to his inherent flammability.
I surrender the balance of my time.
Frank your humour is great but t-shirts are not my fashion choice. What about this idea? You already have a ‘tip jar’ but can you show how much has been contributed in a bar graph? For example say you need $45,000.00 to live for one year the graph can show the progress of obtaining this figure. When the monies you receive exceed $45,000.00 don’t keep it and live off it this year but show another bar graph and attribute it to your future income for a second year and so on and so on up until five years has been accumulated. When you have reached five years this will be a large enough safety net for you to give writing for a living on this blog and reporting on the real news more and giving us access to it your full attention. I don’t like normal ‘tip’ jars because when the figures reach large amounts as in six figures the money appears to be only for that year or month. But if I knew you were not being extravegant and that you had a set income for each year and how far we had to go to reach it I would gladly contribute.
I think its cool that you insert a true to life character like Buck the Marine into your stories with the other exaggerated characters.
“Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them.”
Best. Line. Ever.
Quote of the Day
“Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them.” -Buck the Marine…
Come on, you never need to replace a KaBar!
Turkeyhead:
You may have to replace a KaBar if it has been profained in some fashion. In this particular case, I think the revenge would have had a cleansing effect and this KaBar would not have to be replaced.
Tainted Kabars could be retired by melting them into slugs and firing them into extremely bad guys execution style.
–“Mmm… gunpowder.”
Damn! That was a good one! I agree with Jennifer, though… “Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them.”
That is, unquestionably, the best line ever.
–Frank, you made my day… I, and all other Marines, would so dearly love to behead those ass-clowns with our KaBars… no, seriously… I mean that! Anyway, thanks for putting it up this way… AWESOME!!!
–Semper Fi.
Ya know, Frank,
After watching the video the other day I wasn’t sure anything would ever be funny again.
Thanks.
“I hope they learned a lesson from that which will serve them well in for’ner hell where they are surely being sniped by my Grandpappy up in Marine Heaven using the M1-Garand we done buried him with.”
Wow.
Too many great lines to pick just one!! This one definitely finds a place in my top 5! A perfect Frank response to this weeks news. Thank you!
Yeah, I needed a laugh too. Thanks Frank.
Hardass
what a great line.
I have to agree, this is the first time I have laughed out loud since this this guy got murdered. So many great lines, one of my favorites.
lmao
Yeah, good call LibertyBob.
wow, how you can come up with something to top “When Stranglers Attack” is beyond me. maybe you’re a genius.
jenny, buy Frank’s t-shirts anyway.
Oor-rah!
I would like to read a speech I prepared.” He cleared his throat. “People should have their heads, and it is wrong for anyone to want to take them away. Anyone who is so evil… so foreign… as to want…
Once again, Frank, brilliant!
This was one of your best, Frank. It is a breath of fresh air in the best way possible. Thank you a bunch.
Ooh-rah
I’m glad everyone like it. I was a little afraid people would be offended, but I thought this was the best way to express my anger.
“I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation,” answered Jebediah the Marine, “When they untie you, kill them all.”
“Semper Fi, Grandpappy.”
Such a touching moment. Now I’m all teary!
Oops 😛 that was me.
I agree with everyone else, Frank; this is a great response. Go get ’em, Buck. Ooh-rah!
Frank, I agree with everyone. great piece. Nice to laugh again. Favorite Line.. Don’t throw it away. you only get one. Totally had a john kerry flashback
–“You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read,”
–I laughed so hard I almost choked Frank! Keep it up!
I love it.
You did it again man! you’re like a comedy god or something
Loved it!
I have been hearing nothing but crap being slung at B.F.Teddy K. all day on the radio for his asinine comments of equating the true torturous acts done by Saddam (for examle-every wednesday was hanging day at that prison) to the acts of a few of the MP’s.
I love hearing the outrage of the Massachusetts listeners (like myself) in response to what gets spewed from his oral cavity, though I really need to watch myself while I am working and listening to my radio ’cause I occasionally blurt out “bad words” and if a client is near they may think I am aiming those “bad words” at them 🙂
Shock’em again Frank!
Do it again,
Do it again,
oh…pretty smoke-Do it again!
“A baker’s dozen.”
I almost choked trying to inhale and laugh at the same time.
“Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them. The world will be a better place when all bad people are headless… or, as seen from another perspective, body-less.”
Great job Frank, Excellent IMW… By the way I got my nuke the moon shirt today! 😀
Thanks Frank, you made me smile again. BTW will we be seeing more of the Japanese Hardass Ambassador? His my kinda Joe, er um, er Kotesue, yea that sounds like a common name.
Thank you Frank, me feels better now.
So many laugh-out-loud lines in this one!
“Mmm… gunpowder.”
“Sorry, but it took more electricity to shock Big Fat Teddy K than we thought ’cause he’s so corpulent.”
“You are using that word a day calendar!” Laura exclaimed.
“There’s only two types of people who wear masks: Batman and bad people… and none of you look like Batman.”
“But I like my head!” Buck protested, “I use it for all sorts of things… like headbutting. Come closer for a sec.”
“I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation,” answered Jebediah the Marine, “When they untie you, kill them all.”
“Cut them pig f**kers!” spoke Allah from up high, “Yee-haw!”
“Fine. We were all playing poker. They’re dead, so they can’t refute the story.”
“Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them.”
“Ooh-rah!”
Priceless!
LMAO.
Scott said quite seriously, “one of our troops has been taken hostage by terrorists.”
“What!” Bush shouted angrily, “Let’s use everything at our disposal to get him back!
“Who?”
“Buck… the Marine.”
“Oh, he can take care of himself,” Bush said, calming down, “Let’s go play Parcheesi.”
CLASSIC.
“Those cruel Americans! We torture and kill them, one by one, on video, and they laugh at us! They are not sensitive to our deep-seated cultural need to be feared, or at least to not be ridiculed! Now we must go beat our wives and daughters to restore our manhoods! And then pass UN resolutions condemning the US for forcing us to abuse our women, and demanding that they apologize to us whenever we murder one of their citizens!”
[contact info at URL]
Hate to be the only one to say it, but while one of the funnier posts, I, and my roomate, felt it was wrong to do. But oh well, creative differences and all. Keep up the humor.
Frank you’re the only person I can think of who could take such a horrible incident and turn it into one of the best IMWs ever (a skill Jonah lacks)! You’re Truly Amazing!!!
You have lifted our spirits Frank. Seriously…we needed it.
God bless.
You got me Frank. From the title I figured it was going to have an adult episode with Melinda of Fox and Buck….
Much better than the last one.
Frank, I just found your blog, this story was great, but if I may be so bold, …Alcohol and electricity are a volatile mixture, if B F Teddy were to be around a spark, I very much doubt there would be much left except for a smoking pile of slick sticky tar. Otherwise excellent writing..
Sir Knight
Only one reservation to this great IMW – Sen. Kennedy’s brain is already fried to the max; is it really possible to fry it some more? And I loved the wisdom of Jebediah the Marine and look forward to hearing more in the future.
Vermont Yankee Nuclear power station is waiting for the Nuclear Regulatory Commision to approve a 20% upgrade in their power output.
It’s not too far from the Mass. border
“Oh Teddy come here and hold these wires we need to test something”
Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera,
now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian,…
Tasteless. Disrespectful to Mr. Berg’s family. That’s my opinion.
Anybody else smell bacon when they read about BFTK getting electrocuted? …mmmmmmmmm, bacon…
One of your best.
Could be worse…could be raining…
My work week starts today. Happy, happy! Joy, joy! I am actually looking forward to going in today, just to see the progress on the construction. I only had one day off this week, because Ass. Man. had something he had to do on Wednesday (I forget what…
“You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read,” Buck said firmly, “but I won’t give up any information… even if you make me read something by Toni Morrison.”
A big “Ooh-rah!” to that, fersure –
“Tasteless”? Nah – I could sure taste the smoke when George was fryin’ big ol’ Teddy’s fat butt – Hmmm – smoked pork butt.
Funny, funny stuff, Frank – keep ’em comin’, whenever you can.
This is the way it should have happened! Frank, I like Your World.
Thank you for doing your part – morale booster of the civilized world! As we smile again, we remember what could be, what is worth fighting for and find the will to continue on though we know the cost will be high. Keep up the good work!
Yeah … I want an engine like this ….