Man, there’s like so much stuff that happens and I can’t cover it all. Like, I keep hearing about how the “Bush lied, people died” thing was blown out of the water when they found out that Joe Wilson is the liar about something about yellow cake. But I’d have to read more to understand that, and I’m not that interested in yellow cake; I like chocolate.
Luckily there are other blogs to cover the issues I don’t.
This is why I don’t like professionals entering the blogosphere. There is this huge thing over a reported dry run of a terrorist attack on an airplane, and Michelle Malkin was actually able to get in contact with the woman who saw and wrote about it to confirm the incident. If I didn’t like Michelle Malkin so much, I’d hate her.
RightWingDuck has how he thinks the NAACP meeting went. Hey! I do the funny here!
Serenity has more on Moore (a.k.a. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat). Apparently, Michael Moore broke some law in Canada. I actually sympathize with him on this. Some years ago, I went with my family for a couple hours to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, and I was totally freaked out! Here I was in a country that didn’t understand freedom like ours, and I could inadvertently break some Mickey Mouse law without even knowing it. I sure kissed the ground when I got back to American soil.
It tasted like tar.
Rumor has it that the Iraq PM is personally executing insurgents. That kicks ass! I wish our president would personally kill more people.
And to me, it’s just hilarious that Derbyshire would write this.
Since he’s so into math, I pulled out my statistics book, and, after a couple hours of calculation, I determined there is a 0.5 probability that Derbyshire would be rated as the same Olsen twin as Jonah Goldberg. Luckily it’s not the Olsen triplets, or the problem would have increased exponentially.
Archive of entries posted on 16th July 2004
Why Don’t We Have a Discussion About Exactly How Much of a Retard You Are
An Editorial by Frank J.
I’m getting tired of people who admit there may be flaws to Fahrenheit 9/11 but say people should see it to help stimulate debate. This reminds me of “Gay Jeans Day” at Carnegie Mellon University (we had two college funded gay and lesbian groups – three if you included the Womyn’s Center – but us college Republicans had to scrounge for our own funds since we were “political”). The idea of “Gay Jeans Day” was that a random day would be chosen on which wearing jeans was either proclaiming you were gay or in support of gays and this would cause people to think about gay issues before they put on their pants that day (there is a joke there somewhere…). Some people thought this would foster discussion… and it did. Everyone spent a lot of time talking about what a retarded idea “Gay Jeans Day” is and pretty much nothing else.
In the same vein, Farhenheit 9/11, with all its lies, distortions, and wacky conspiracy theories is fostering lost of discussion about how retarded that film is and what a fatass Michael Moore is. People might as well drop a big pile of manure on the floor and say, “Let’s use this to foster debate about political issues!”
And those who keep saying they want a debate anyway are really just mindless Bush-haters who want to do nothing but yell. Fine, let’s accommodate them by putting them in straight jackets and throwing them in padded rooms where they can yell all they want. Have your discussion with your imaginary friend Flippy the seven-foot tall anteater.
By the way, this reminds me of one my favorite jokes during my college years. The wacky feminist Women’s Center was judged non-political so it got funding (i.e. my money), to which I would say, “Why do we need a Women’s Center? We have women’s rooms all over campus.”
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children’s books as “Baby’s First Quantum Physics Textbook” and “President Harding’s Pop-up Book Adventure.”
Frank Answers: Cars, Bumperstickers, EBay, Jumping Chinamen, Monkey Slaughter, Selecting a Handgun, Trading Space, Blogparents, and Frankisms
Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions… but, whatever.
Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Hey Frank, could you recommend a roomy car for a tall person? And where are the IMAO bumper stickers!
Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.
As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
“I’d rather be reading IMAO”
“Back off, muckadoo!”
“Dammit! There’s a sticker stuck to my nice car!”
The Idler writes:
If Michael Moore was going to sell his head on EBay, should he sell it on a weight basis (like in a butcher shop) or on the basis of it containing a brain scarcely used (other than to fantasize about lard based food products)?
I’m not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.
Aric asks:
Would 2 billion Chinamen jumping at the same time throw Earth out of orbit? If so is that some secret commie weapon?
As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.
Cap’n Yoaz got two questions, and here they are:
Q1: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if Kerry became President?
I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.
Q2: If you ever became President, would you bomb all of the Hindu monkey temples in one giant military operation, or would you emulate Dubya by declaring an Axis of Monkeys and leveling them one country at a time?
I’d probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.
Rightwingduck, who won being able to ask me three questions, didn’t send any thinking that I just made up questions for Frank Answers™ (I never made up a single question; if I did, they’d be much better). When prompted, he sent me four questions. Eh, whatever.
Q1: I’ll be buying my first handgun soon. Any advice? Also, I want target practice but here in California they say its against the law to shoot hippies and French people run too fast. I guess they ‘re good at running from bullets. I hear in Texas they pay a certain amount per hide. Is that true. Also, I think some of the nickel plated weapons look too froofy. Should this be a concern?
Get a decent caliber (it should start with a ‘4’); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don’t worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.
Q2: My daughter and I were watching trading spaces on the learning channel. That’s where you and a friend or neighbor trade spaces and redecorate one room and show it to them as a surprise. Who would be your trading spaces partner. What would you do to their home/room. What would you like done to yours?
I’d trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He’d decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I’d decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he’d get back to see what I had done, I’d have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.
Q3: I need a pair of blogparents. SarahK has volunteered to be my Blogmother and has given me great advice on my Blog site. She was saying that it would be great if you were my Blogfather. I would like that. You could SMITE anybody who messed with the poor RWduckie. Would having a blogchild ignite further rumors about you and SarahK. I also hate the French and hippies.
Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.
You know, he’s one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I’ll get him one of these days…
Yeah, I’m big into patricide.
Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word “French Looking” and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.
“French-looking” comes from Best of the Web which has been calling Kerry “the French-looking liberal Senator from Massachusetts who by the way served in Vietnam” for a long time now.
As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I’d like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don’t hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.
Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!
If you have questions for Frank Answers™… then win one of my contest. Ha ha!
Ronin Thought of the Day
Conversation with a Muckadoo
Okay, I write some long list basically calling Michael Moore fat and disgusting in every sentence, and look what someone writes me:
Picking at details and not looking at the big picture in the message that Fahrenheit 9/11 demonstrates is the downfall of Moore’s opponents. MichaelMoore never states that America is not great, only that George Bush and his goons are dragging down that same America into his dictatorship, environment-killing, oil-mongering reality, and that we want to get rid of that blemish. By simple analysis of facts that are in our face we can make a sincere determination as to the types of dynamics that motivate Bush in office.
By harping on alleged lies of Michael Moore, shouldn’t we look at the list of much larger lies that our PRESIDENT has proven himself to state so offensively to the public of the United States?
Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas> Gracias,
Aaron Carapella
This muckadoo has chosen me for a intelligent debate? Oy. So I write back:
Huh? You serious?
And he writes back:
Wow! What an articulate attempt to confront the content of my message, using displacement as your answer. It is so ironic that those who purport to be able to support such a strong stance fall to non-answers.
Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas Gracias,
Aaron Carapella
So this guy is about a hundred miles south of Clueville and head in the wrong direction.
I respond:
Who is doing what now?
And he persists:
Really intelligent. People just like you will vote for Bush.
Sad. Too bad he’ll lose.
Oh, he trying to draw me out by making me angry. We know how that always works. And if this guy is so convinced Bush is going to lose, why is he getting his panties in a bunch trying to argue with me? Probably should have asked him that, but instead I wrote:
You’re right. That would be bad, but I think he has a good chance for reelection since Kerry is such a goober (maybe I could write a documentary on that…).
Thanks for writing IMAO. I hope you keep enjoying the site.
And muckadoo says:
I hope you reflect upon whom you are supporting a little bit more.
Take care
The guys parroting the mindless talking points of the left (i.e. being a total muckadoo), and he tells me to “reflect”? So says I:
I have. Bush kills terrorists and anyone else in our way and Kerry is a goober. It’s a stark choice for the voters that should make for a healthy election.
Keep in touch.
Quoth the muckadoo:
Bush is a tyrannical terrorist himself, preemptively attacking nations who have never attacked the US until pushed into defensive mode-not to defend Saddam, but why don’t we “liberate” people who are in countries without oil?
If Bush would have said,”I want to attack Iraq for oil domination” I would have at least respected his candidness. He is a scary felloe hellbent on the world bowing to him. He’ll go out prematurely as his father did.
Crikey! That muckadoo is mad now! Look at him thrash about! Isn’t he beautiful?
And says I:
You’re right; Bush should invade Cuba (or does that have oil). Then maybe he can get reelected. It sure beats being goverened by a goober (though that’s a neat phrase).
And that seemed to get rid of him.
Muckadoo.