Hey, Mr. President, I know you’re nervous about tonight’s debate, but don’t worry; Frank J. is here with advice. Here are tips on how to ensure a win:
* Be cordial to John Kerry. Give him a gift of pink ribbons at the beginning of the debate because I hear he likes to throw ribbons.
* Last time Kerry was orange; this time he may be purple. Ignore it; it’s just to throw you off.
* As soon as you get to your podium, write “FOR IRAQ WAR” on one side of a piece of paper in big letters, and then “AGAINST IRAQ WAR” on the other side. Hold up the appropriate side during the debate to help the audience at home keep track of Kerry’s current position.
* Instead of grimacing while Kerry is speaking, try making a French-looking face and imitate the haughty mannerisms of Kerry. If you’re entertaining enough, no one will even listen to Kerry.
* Remember that you are the president of the United States, and thus demand respect from the people who ask you questions. If you think a question from one of the town hall participants isn’t respectful enough, just knock him down and beat him as your response. Remember not to start off too strongly as you have two minutes to fill and you want to use up all your time and not get tired out.
* Don’t let the topic stay on namby-pamby issues; remind the audience that there are over five billion foreigners out there – five billion people who are not Americans – and you need a strong leader to keep watch of them all.
* See if you can plant some troops for our coalition members in the audience. Then, if Kerry starts demeaning our allies, a big Aussie could walk up to him and say, “So, mate, you think we’re coerced and bribed, do ya? Guess what? I’ll kick ya in the down unders for free.”
* Bring up the Oil for Food scandal and try to link it to Kerry by saying, “Ends up the whole time Saddam was bribing French-looking people like Senator Kerry – namely THE FRENCH!”
* To show that Kerry is just talk and you get results, have people walk into the debate and dump a pile of dead terrorists on the floor while you announce, “These are the terrorists we killed just today… and the day ain’t over yet!” Then turn to Kerry and challenge, “How many terrorists have you killed, flip-waffler!”
* Keep bringing up Kerry’s record of twenty years of voting for taxing soldiers who use needed weapon systems… or something like that.
* Also mention how he voted against the first Gulf War. Everyone liked that war.
* If Halliburton comes up, just ignore it. Halliburton has one of their killer attack robot programmed to break through the wall of the room and destroy whoever demeans them anyway.
* If the debate comes to blows, Kerry is now wise to your deadly tiger punch, so instead master the flying dragon kick to use against him.
* Most importantly: Have fun.
* Even more importantly: Trash that mo’fo’.
First!
Second!?
Trois!
Yeah W, Especially the last one.
If Bush gets to go second on any question, he should mention Kerry’s “position” on a made-up country just to see if Kerry takes the bate and defends that position. Duringthe rebuttal, Bush could point out that he made up the country and Kerry fell for it.
“I’ve heard that one of the foreign leaders who supports Senator Kerry is President Duflippo of Wafflestan…”
LibertyBob,
you imbecile!!! It’s CHANCELLOR Duflippo of the UNITED REPUBLIC of Wafflestan.
As a side note, the people of URW are know collectively as Wafflestanders. They call foreigners in the country “Mahpolseer-ups” in their language.
“I’ll kick ya in the down unders for free.”
I love this line!
that was my favorite line too, Croc.
Ummm…. waffles……
I love the For / Against Iraq War sign, that would be keen.
I would love to see about half way through, Rummy and Chomps come bursting through the back wall or whatever, take on Kerry, tie them up, and send him to Guantamino or something until he stops changing his tune.
I saw ol’ Lurch yesterday, on a podium by himself near mountains or something surrounded by 20 reporters (Looked like a fabric softener commercial) going on and on about how this President and Vice President are the only two people in the world who thinks Iraw is going well.
It takes YEARS Senator (6 for Germany, 7 for Japan, and we are still there!) , to pacify and stabilize a country that has been oppressed for 30+ years. Can’t you get that in your head? Did the Botox create a logic barrier in your brain, where only Howard Dean’s thoughtwaves can penetrate?
How about the millions that we have liberated, and giving them a chance for freedom? Don’t they deserve a chance?
How about what happened on September 11th, 2001, Senator? Do you remember United States Citizens, Civilians, DYING, GETTING MURDERED, over some truly evil thinking? Do you remember sitting in your office for 40+ minutes, frozen, didn’t know what to do, as Washington was being ATTACKED?
Do you remember the internet being almost frozen as millions tried to figure out what happened?
Did you happen to see the Pentagon that day?
Did you remember that that plane that crashed in Pennsylvania was headed towards Washington DC, either to the Capital Building or the White House?
Do you understand what we are fighting for? Do you understand that we need to take out any and all countries and leaders that help, sponsor, or in any other way, support these evil animals
?????
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
How about that report that said the sanctions were crumbling, and that Iraq was working on getting all those lovely programs for WMD started again, and even had some parts begininng, such as those missiles?
How about all those Al-Queda connections, that met with Iraqi officials, trying to finalize a base where Osama will be training terrorists?
How about good ol’ Saddam giving those 25,000 dollar checks for HOMICIDE bombers in Israel?
How about if Saddam retired and those two thugs sons of his (thankfully both assumed room temperature) took over, and would be even WORSE than Saddam?
How about if we did not act when he was relatively weak now, but have a rebuilt army and the like a few years from now? You want to talk about casualities, Senator?
You say we should have let the UN work longer, you said we should have gotten a bigger coalition together, we should have hoped and paryed and sing Kumbaya until the world gave us the global test approval to go in. And now you have to admit that Germany and France would never help with troops in Iraq this week.
Who are you going to recruit, Balise?
Give me a break, John F’in Kerry. Go back to Teresa and go back wind-boarding or skiing or yelling at Secret Service agents trying to protect your sorry, never met a tax increase he didn’t like, flip-flopping, INCONSISTANT, liberal-leftist-socialist, elitest, malcontent rear end.
Go back to your multi-million dollar houses and worship at your UN shrine.
Somebody get me some fresh coffee!!!!!
Kerry is in my state all this week, that is where you saw him, Scott. Argghh! I wish the Californians would stop moving here so we could STOP being a battleground state! Us native Coloradoans are more like Wyomingians (yay Cheney) or Texans (yay Bush) if left alone in our native habitat!
I like the last two suggestions ,especially. Thanks Frank.
Scott, You needen’t be so shy about revealing your feelings, You are among friends. here’s a coffee refill and a Danish (they’re allies, right?)
W should place a big bottle of syrup on his podium and when Charles Gibson asks what its for, The President can say “This is for all the waffles my opponent will be serving up, I came prepared.”
Scott…I don’t think you should have held back…kick them in their asses…not rearends…asses…
jonag..you rock…syrup would be sticky and gooey and JFKooky wouldn’t like that “OOOOh ..you got me dirty…
I would like to thank Frank and everyone who makes great comments on this site for giving me something to smile about while at work amongst the liberal demoncats. I live in WA but work in ID, and initially I thought I could escape my liberal state while at work. Unfortunately, everyone I work with seems to think that John Kerry is J.C. reincarnated. Thanks for helping me keep my cool and my sanity. 🙂
Frank J., I didn’t see the rules for this debate,
are deadly throwing stars off limits?
This is the only site on the blogosphere that makes me laugh aloud.
“These are the terrorists we killed just today… and the day ain’t over yet!”
I second that rwd!
The for and against sign would be absolutely perfect! and the pile of dead terrorists…sweet!
I don’t know RWD, yours gives me a a couple of good grins on most days. I know you probably don’t laugh at your own stuff, but if you had a clone, he would.
We’ll see………….
JOhn Said:
Scott, You needen’t be so shy about revealing your feelings, You are among friends. here’s a coffee refill and a Danish (they’re allies, right?)
Thanks, John. (slurp)- I needed that. Sorry – I think I went into political meltdown this morning. Too much input recently, and it has been a stressful week, and seeing that bozo on TV last night, sheesh. I have been trying to avoid news broadcasts as of late. However, it just started coming out. My rage against what Kerry says is just too much sometimes.
I would love to see Bush just go off on him about all this stuff – I know he has to act presidental and cordial – maybe I was just channeling Bush’s rage at Kerry from the first debate.
Speaking of Denmark, I found this a minute ago, talking about countries that realize what is at stake, and the help that John Kerry and John Edwards call the coalition of the bribed and cohearsed.
Denmark
“Only the Americans have the military strength to disarm Saddam and liberate Iraq. But we have an obligation to help. We cannot just sail under a flag of convenience and let others fight for freedom and peace. There has in fact been too much of that kind in the past in Denmark. If we mean anything seriously about our democratic values, then we should also be ready to make a small contribution to the international coalition.”
— Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen, March 26, 2003
Hubba hubba dubba dubba – nice. You can see others here:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/infocus/iraq/news/20030326-7.html
It’s too bad Bush didn’t bring up Gulf War 91 when Kerry was talking about all his “military endorsments” which no doubt include Jack D. Ripper Wes “puffball” Clark. Bush coulda slipped it in right there and slammed his ass with it.
place Accolades “here.” excellent post.
That is hilarious!!!!