For years now, the country seems to have been split down the middle, and it’s eating away at the soul of the country. Usually, you have one group get a majority which then pushes around the other side and makes fun of how their children look, but the old way seems so distant now. How can we return to the former status quo? As usual, war is the answer.
It’s been a long time since we’ve had a civil war, but hopefully we learned plenty from the first one to make this one quick and efficient. It will be quite different, though. For one thing, it won’t have a stark geographical divide. Friendly and enemy territory will have to divided on a house to house basis – or maybe even room to room. Also, a big difference is that one side has all the guns since both gun owners and the military tend to be in the right-wing. This should make things easy if planned well.
Using the powers of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, all enemies can be identified and an attack date set in secret. Then, on one H-hour of D-Day, it will be announced that civil war has been declared just as all of us already have our guns on the enemy who should still have blank, dumbfounded stares. We will then each demand them to surrender or die, and, knowing their mindset, most will quickly capitulate.
Phooey.
Now we have to deal with the POWs. I say we build big fences all around Massachusetts and throw them in there. Some may say this is cruel; they will be thrown in Massachusetts too. We can’t have any weaklings in a non-divided America. Also, we’ll throw all the felons in there since they are mainly left leaning too. One more idea is that we can add sniper posts along the walls where we can shoot the liberals with BB guns while yelling, “That’s what you get for wanting to take my money to spend on social programs!” Then we will put cameras up to film the action for a great reality show.
Finally, we have to divvy up the spoils; most of their stuff I don’t want, but the Hollywood left should have some good swag. Maybe I can at least get a nice lamp and some DVDs. Or we can sell it all for a steak dinner to celebrate.
Now all Americans will be united and happy, because the liberals will no longer be defined as Americans and will be shot by BBs. We will all agree on important issues, such as attacking countries we don’t particularly like, and all foreigners shall tremble in fear knowing there are no more whiners to slow us down from killing our enemies. We’ll be a complete utopia with everyone working together towards the same goals… at least until the next election cycle.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Yankees Shall Rise Again” and “How to Steal Neat Blog Formatting Tricks from Spoons.”
Fine Frank, have it your way, just let me secure my north frontier first… Oops. Nevermind.
Just wanna say one thing…. GO SOX!!!
I hereby sign up for BB duty…It’s a tough job but somebody has to do it. 🙂
I’m sure the Skankees will rise again.
Just won’t happen this year.
With proper incentives and a program of detedkennedification, Massachusetts could be made a productive state again. Couldn’t we just march the POWs into Canada?
So Massachusetts is the Pokey?
According to a long running comments thread over at Scrappleface the other day, those folks are armed to the teeth! Say the word Frank, we’re ready!
“So Massachusetts is the Pokey? ”
LMAO! Great, I had been wondering just where the pokey was.
That reminds me of “Escape from New York” only with this we get “Escape from Massachusetts”. That would actually make an interesting movie.
This is an idea that may lead to world peace. You are a genious. With a united America we will finally be able to implement NUKE THE MOON!
I think you need corporate sponsership to make this idea a reality. Think Crossman or Daisey emblems posted all along the guard towers ….
FrankJ…
…As usual, war is the answer….
Hmmmm. A fine enterprising youth might find inspiration for another T-shirt logo here…
Taxachusetts won’t work. Once we process Mikey Moore, Linda Rhinostat, Babs Streisand, and that fat Dixie Chick there’d only be room enough for John Kerry’s head.
Anybody know anything about Greenland? Like, how much they’d let it go for?
This sounds like a responsible plan. I don’t think my sister will mind Massachusetts. She’s for higher taxes (argh) and she lives in Portland so the climate won’t be too different. Yep she’ll fit in (although she could use a nip in the backside with a BB to jog her brain since that seems to be where she’s keeping it these days!).
Stewie Griffin for president!
Formerhostage – ROTFLMAO BWAHAHAHA! “Do you know how much they’d let it go for?” HAHAHAHA!
-Hey, no one actually “owns” the moon, right? So, why don’t we send them there as observers for the nuclear test?
Massachussetts is indeed too small. And Smith & Wesson is there – don’t want to give the liberals any help coming back.
Quebec is bigger. Kerry already speaks the language. Send ’em all there, where the’ll fit right in.
Frank:
You know, a BB can be dangerous, it can go under the skin, oh yes it can, it can break the skin and cause a nasty infection! Me no likey infection! Can’t we use real guns? Pleeeease???? Me likey real guns. No infection just nice clean death. Upside I am close to enemy territory. Awaiting your orders Frank, Wagner cued up and ready to go.
ROFLMOAO!
Formerhostage, Kip, hysterical!
I also immediately recalled the pokey. Mass, eh?
(in re: Connecticut Yankee)How’s about paintballs? Wouldn’t want someone like the French to come along saying we’ve annihilated human beings for any reason. Plus, this way, if we put numbers on their shirts, watchmen can paint-by-number and have all sorts of other fun games.
Kip…not Quebec…it’s still close enough that there could be some kind of liberal “The Incredible Journey” and they’d show up on our doorsteps after 6 months.
How about Haiti? I understand that liberals can’t cross running water…or was that vampires?
Veda…paint by number?!?!?!!? Sweeeet! We can tatoo 666 on their foreheads. Hmmmmm, let’s see now…the legend says that for 666 use the color…blood red.
Albert Oxford seems to agree:
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/civilwar.html
My vote is for Haiti and paint balls filled with cian pepper flavored paints.
I love your suggestion, Megan, he is one EVIL baby. : )
I think Canada would be a great idea, but it has too big of border. Let’s drive them down to Mexico, the border is smaller, and we can implement what B-1 Bob Dornan suggested in the 1996 Republican primary – a new military branch dedicated to protecting the border. We can liberate the people who don’t want to live there anymore with a new immigration plan.
We might have to take out Canada though – invade it and integrate it into the US, so we can clean up their socialist mess up there. That goes for Cuba too.
After that, we can secure California, and I will head up LEGOLAND California. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!
Boy, I think I have taken too much evil pill today. 🙂
Not Mexico! Too many nice vacation spots! Canada works! Or just Quebec!
Just send them to join their comrades in that socialist paradise (sarcasm) called continental Europe.
BEGIN TRANSMISSION
General FrankJ., I can assure you as a member of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy® that we have been formulating plans since the end of the Reagan Administration® and they ARE very good plans.
Liberal “focus groups” have proven that BB and paintball guns will not be necessary. I suggest that you (yes, even with your wide assortment, Frank) stockpile as many weapons and ammo as possible.
END TRANSMISSION
Formerhostage, I wasn’t gettin’ all satanic there or anything. I was thinking more along the lines of…the IMAO header…? ;p
Actually Massataxes might have more than enough room. It would take a little more prep though. Move what manufacturing there is out of the State. Shut off any Federal Funds to the Universities. Shut of any trade and access to the rest of the US. Only allow trade with France. There might be some conservative stuck in there do to famliy obligations. I guess we could test for them by hooking them up to lie detectors showing them a photo of M.Moore in a bikini and asking, “Would you like some of that?”
“M.Moore in a bikini”
CAN’T. GET. IMAGE. OUT. OF. MIND!
Damn you toad! DAMMMMMMMMNNNN YOOOUUUU!
Ann Coulter in Trinity style leathers.
Ann Coulter in Trinity style leathers.
do we need to wait for them to shoot first? does shooting off their mouth count?
the people of massa2shits have already surrendered, haven’t they?
white flags are on the way
Why don’t we just dress them all up in white fur while they sleep and set the baby seal hunters loose on them? We can do that in Greenland. Its a good cardio-vascular activity.
MountainMama – Well, I don’t know – my initial plan was the ABC Gumball theory – offer a free vacation to any and all liberals, send them to Austrailia, and then have some bombing raids, but since I have found out what a stand-up country Austrailia is, I had to change my plan.
The gumball part referred to some questionable people that came into Meijer in Ypsilanti Michigan at 1:30AM in the morning, ran around, screamed, played with each other, and then bought some gumballs from the vending machines, and they were the perfect candidates.
What was I doing there at 1:30AM in the morning? Going shopping on a Saturday night – to avoid the Ann Arbor / Ypsilanti crowds.
I just want that border secured so I don’t have to deal with them anymore, whether it is Canada, Mexico, or Europe. You could not pay me enough to go to Mexico.
Aww, no mention of Neiwert?