Now that Bush has a mandate and Republicans have increased control of the House and the Senate, it’s time for a radical agenda. Here’s what’s on the plate:
Tax Cuts: First on agenda, more tax cuts! Yay! Should be targeted at those who need it most – the rich!
Fine for Being Poor: To help fund tax cuts, new fines. Since America is the land of opportunity, if you’re poor, then you’re wasting the opportunity. That means a fine!
Reinstate the Draft: We may need more people for the extremely dangerous, near-suicide fighting in some areas. Thus we should draft Canadians into the military. Some may ask if it’s right to draft someone to die on behalf of another president in some foreign nation, but, according to American law, Canadians have no rights!
No More Being Homo-Gay: The Christian-right will need some of the spoils for helping in the big win, so “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will apply to all of American life. In addition, show tunes will be banned.
Take on the Ninja Threat: With the new mandate, now we can move on to fighting the war on terror to also taking on the looming ninja threat. Troops will be taught the ways of kung fu and the numchukus.
Whine Reduction Act: New law will declare radical Hollywood left enemy combatants and send them to Gitmo. Much like the blob, Michael Moore will be frozen and shipped to Antarctica.
Lower Gas Prices: Help lower gas prices by putting saturation bombing on the table when negotiating with OPEC.
Fix Social Security: Social Security will be fixed by allowing us to invest our money in individual accounts in the “Stop Stealing My Money, You Thieving Government!” Act.
Simplify Taxes: Simplify the tax code by blowing up the IRS building. Blowing stuff up is simple.
Forcefully Seize Antarctica: Antarctica is weird and full of penguins and potentially has aliens buried under the ice according to much sci-fi. We should seize control so we can prevent any Antarctica threat and mine it for gold and sweet, sweet molybdenum.
No France: The existence of France will be made illegal. Failure to comply with this law will be met with force and soap.
Super Patriot Act: With the success of the Patriot Act, will now make the even more powerful Super Patriot Act. If you’d like to know the unclassified details about it, just talk to your local intelligence agent by speaking into your dial tone.
Elimination of Useless Species: America is a grand country and should only be populated by grand animals. A committee will decide what animals are not needed and thus can be eliminated. I’ve never understood a squirrel’s place in the ecosystem and I still don’t.
Big Barbecue Party: Follows from the previous.
Democrats into Camps: Democrats worried of being steamrolled by the new Republican power should know that they will get the fun of camp! Yay! It’s just like those summer camps where you kayaked and played volleyball, but instead you will work in underground mines to produce the raw materials needed for the military industrial complex. Hooray!
Reduce the Debt: Reduce the debt by reminding foreigners we have lots of nukes and don’t need to pay back anything if we don’t feel like it.
Kill More Terrorists: Improve troops’ morale for killing terrorists by giving them a card that gets a stamp for each terrorist killed. Get six stamps and you get a free sub from Subway.
Supreme Court Justices: Make sure that new Supreme Court justices are strict interpretationalists (“I don’t see public schools anywhere in the Constitution; away with them!”). For older liberal judges, they will be helped in “retiring.”
Total Super War: Let’s make it the goal of America to individually invade and defeat every country out there. That will prove our supremacy beyond question. When negotiating with any country, we can now say, “Didn’t we kick your ass once?”
First.
Hmmm, your right, blowing stuff up is simple.
I like the get six stamps get a free sub, thats incentive.
Whaddya gonna do ’bout the anarchists?!?!?!?!?!
Ha ha! The wonderful Dissident Frogman has a new red button to push! http://www.thedissidentfrogman.com/dacha/
Now go press!
id kill terrorists for a subway
I would have gone for a two-fer on blowing up the IRS. First, I would have disbanded the IRS and with the money saved I would have built a space laser to blow their building…
Frank,
Don’t you realize that squirrels are your friends? They remove acorns from trees so that you don’t twist your ankle while pirouetting and singing show tunes like Ethel Merman.
At least that’s what some guys with a lisp told me while I was in Ghent this weekend.
Wait a second!
I think those guys were…
KERRY SUPPORTERS!
Hell with ’em! Shoot all the damn squirrels you want.
I like squirrels, but i guess i could go without. For the good of the country
Hey! I’m a amateur jazz vocalist who performs show-tunes on occasion. I NEED them for my ART dammit, so you can’t ban ’em!
Barb
Offical Conserva***** of BMEWS
Frank, without squirrels what the hell is my dog gonna chase? He’s not a real huntin’ dog, so he needs the self esteem boost that comes from scarin’ off squirrels.
I think he thinks they’re terrorists or something and he’s protecting me from the vermin of the world.
Good dog. Here’s a subway, even though it was only one squirrel chased six times.
Can anarchists be bagged for a stamp too? Or maybe 2 anarchists for each stamp (face it, they aren’t as DANGEROUS as terrorists, but they ARE as ANNOYING….)?
I hate anarchists.
You forgot one:
Ban all light beers. Or, you can at least make it illegal for a male to be caught drinking a light beer or Zima.
I’d like to abolish the National Endowment for the Arts. Think of all the screaming there’ll be when artists are told that the only way they can make money is by producing stuff that people actually want to buy!
Just to rub it in, create a Federal Department of Black Velvet Paintings.
Squirrels DO have a place in the ecosystem. Practice targets!
After all, you wouldn’t want to be out of practice when shooting liberals, would you?
I don’t think we want to take over Antarctica. Michael Moore is being shipped there, right?
The squirrel’s purpose in the ecosystem is to bury nuts for winter, then forget where he buried them so that those nuts can grow into trees. The purpose of trees in the ecosystem is so that Senator Kerry can talk about how Bush owns a lumber company, and Bush can make fun of him.
Mmmmmmm, molybdenum… arglrglrgl… (used to work in a moly mine)
But we have to let the anarchists stay.
Without them, we would have never had The Sex Pistols!
Besides, they could never organize and become a threat.
No show tunes? Does that mean I can’t sing YMCA anymore? I really like that song.
Sometimes being cute is a creature’s only function (i.e. Brad Pitt). Save the cute little squirrels!!
Moving Michael Moore might disturb earth’s rotation. Or maybe not. But he will affect the tides around Antartica, which will cause the ocean to move inland, which will break up the ice, which will then melt and flood the blue states. The survivors will move inland and will be assimilated.
“Lower Gas Prices: Help lower gas prices by putting saturation bombing on the table when negotiating with OPEC.”
I have to object to this. Do you know how expensive it is to carpet bomb a city, say the size of Mecca? It would cost tens of millions and think of the wear and tear on our bomber fleet. I have a much better suggestion. One or two, (Oh let’s be generous and send 5, I like bouncing rubble), cruise missles with nuclear warheads.
See the pretty bright flash. Observe our version of performance art with the use of mushroom clouds. Now, what was that about $50/barrel oil prices Omar?
Frank J:
karandon is right, you just sent Michael Moore to Antarctica. What we need to do is film him being eaten alive by the aliens THEN invade. Sheesh, do I have to think of everything?
However, I have to object to the banning of light beer. Nearly every God-fearing ‘Pub-voting American in a Red State drinks the stuff. I say we agree to disagree with their “different” tastes. And no Zima??? It will ruin my favorite joke. When a NFL player that looks like Tarzan but plays like Jane gets an “owie” and is out of the lineup, I announce to my friends that the player broke a nail popping open a Zima and is out for the year. Drives the fantasy football crowd nuts.
Frank, I’m afraid you need some education on constitutional terms. An interpretationist is a person that believes the constitution is a living document that changes as popular opinion changes. Someone who would not find it within the enumerated powers of the government to fund education would either be an originalist or a textualist. Either way, the term you seem to be looking for would be “strict constructionist”.
mmmmm…barbecued squirrel….
This will be of no interest to anyone but me, but induldge me. Anarctica has actually already been divided up into pie shaped pieces. It is the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen. Here is a map:
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.landcareresearch.co.nz/research/biodiversity/penguins/images/mapshowingterritoriesetc.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.landcareresearch.co.nz/research/biodiversity/penguins/Antarctic_treaty.asp&h=558&w=550&sz=76&tbnid=YWNe3feSIMcJ:&tbnh=130&tbnw=129&start=9&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dantarctica%2Btreaty%2Bmap%26svnum%3D100%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN
Re-instate the Draft: Let’s add Illegal Aliens onto the Draft list. Then after we send them off to war… they will love America for letting them kill terrorists. Others who have little backbone will stay the hell out.
Whine Reduction Act: Shouldn’t we be taking advantage of this new ‘green’ & “renewable’ energy source by installing windmills in front of their faces?
Lower Gas Prices: Help lower gas prices by putting saturation bombing on the table when negotiating with OPEC.
Fix Social Security: Shouldn’t we be getting rid of this Socialist program. I mean its got SOCIAL in the title for crying out loud!
Forcefully Seize Antarctica: I was thinking about taking over Greenland instead. I doubt Denmark will put much of a fuss. This would make Canadiens even more nervious as they would be surrounded by the US on all 3 sides. Probably has Molybendium as well.
No France: France should be carved up and given to England, Luxemburg and Italy. If Spain ever gets its act together it can have some too.
Elimination of Useless Species: Squirrels get eaten by hawks, foxes and other cool stuff. They are the packed with protein.
Democrats into Camps: Yeah they call these camps ‘Boot Camp” where Marine drill instructors teach them why the 2nd amendment is good and that there is a god and that you should love your country. Repeat as necessary.
Reduce the Debt: We rigged the voting machines so well… why not rig the debt and tell them they owe us money instead. Bank Error in your Favor Monopoly style.
Kill More Terrorists: Subway is to be boycotted. In Germany they had a ‘sub’ flying into the Two Towers advertisement in their stores. Complaints ensued but the corporate HQ didn’t appologize. I haven’t eaten at Subway since. 10 Stamps gets you a round trip ticket to Japan to help out those ladies that aren’t getting enough sex (see related article in main section).
We can’t just freeze Moore and send him to Antartica. Whenever someone gets frozen and sent away they end up coming back to hurt you (think Han Solo or the three criminals in Superman 2 or Wesley Snipes in that stupid Stallone movie).
Brings to mind Dr. Evil’s son in Austin Powers saying something to the effect of “Why don’t you just shoot him in the head. I’ve got a gun in my room I can run and get it right now.” And “aren’t you at least going to watch him die?” Dr. Evil: “No we will just assume he has died as planned.”
Also, I propose we kill off any animal that can eat humans such as alligators, crocodiles, bears, sharks etc. If they can kill and eat humans, they are like fauna terrorists.
OMG, that was hilarious! And a lot of the comments are good for a laugh too! Thanks!
Arlen Specter is ordered to permenent duty as “personal assistant” to former Governor McGreevey…
Invade every country, eh Frank? That would include, why, Australia?
BRING IT ON.
With love,
Sean.
I have a question for you. I’m all for freezing Michael Moore and sending him to Antarctica, but why the hell would you then want to take over Antarctica? The entire objective of the previous operation was to rid ourselves of that fat slob
You sure had a hard on hate for France back in the day.