I’m leaving for Boise later today, but let’s have some more headline fun – because it’s FUN:
Gang of 20 pulls off huge bank robbery
Credit victory to Jesus.
* * * *
Inmate freed 17 years after wrongful conviction
Judicial system responds, “My bad.”
* * * *
Boeing test-launches mammoth new rocket
“No, we’re not trying to compensate for anything,” Boeing scientists say.
* * * *
New Harry Potter book to be published in July
Stock in Satanism rises on news
* * * *
French determined to fight terrorism: Chirac
“Bring it on!” Chirac shouted defiantly, “Our country is right next to Vietnam in Asia.”
* * * *
Saudi Arabia Recalls Its Libya Ambassador
“No matter how things were going, he always has a sunny disposition,” say reminiscers.
* * * *
Palestinian Leader Who Seeks Change Pays Final Tribute to Arafat
Pissing on grave a sign of respect to Palestinians.
* * * *
Memos show FBI agents complained about abuses at Guantánamo Bay
The abuses were described as “quite noisy.”
You can play at home in the comments, and check out reader contribution from yesterday (many of them much funnier).
First!
“Painkillers are causing anxiety among local patients”
In an ironic twist, anxiety meds found to be causing pain.
Sex Tape on Internet Stuns India
Country that birthed the Karma Sutra gasps “I didn’t know that fit like that!”
Rap Singer Snoop Dogg Sues Woman, Lawyers..
and Charles Shultz for copyright infringement.
Mystery Martian ‘Carwash’ Helps Space Buggy
Mars High marching band fundraiser suspected.
“Farmers Making Use of Global Positioning”
Say crops die at north and south poles.
“NBC still headlining news race; ABC catching up”
CBS drops out, calls journalism “overrated”. Plans to replace Evening News with Dan Rather-hosted reality show.
“Space Station May Be Visible Over Holidays”
Doc says “Hey Dad, what’s that up there?”
“Tanker Truck Crashes Near Pentagon”
Blood for oil transaction rescheduled.
Blake Jurors Hear Witnesses
Fox viewers to hear Greta talk about nothing but Blake trial from now on.
Morgan Stanley and Bear Report a Strong Quarter
“Looks like I can forego that second mortgage on the Big Blue House,” says kid’s TV star.
Judge: Why Microsoft Lost
“King of the Hill” creator revealed to be an agent of Sun Microsystems
Saudi Arabia Recalls Its Libya Ambassador;
Ambassador’s front wheels reportedly fall off at thirty thousand miles.
EU Slap-Down Wouldn’t Be the Worst Thing for Microsoft
Bill Gates reported to be more concerned about “WWE Smackdown”.
“Father United with Baby Cut from Slain Mother”
Dianne Feinstein says “Worst abortion EVER”
Deer Barges Into N.C. Newspaper Office
Demands retraction of staunchly anti-deer editorial.
Palestinian Leader Who Seeks Change Pays Final Tribute to Arafat
Didn’t want to give a full dollar.
EU Ready to Protect Florida Oranges
However, European officials are unsure whether EU military is up to the task.
General Mills Earnings Crush Forecasts
Forecasts deemed “a bunch of puny girlie-men”
WTO ruling gives Anheuser-Busch a boost in Europe
Budweiser named “Official Beer of the 2005 WTO European Kegstravaganza”.
Toy Maker Equips Toy Train with Condom
Female Toy trains indicate the “No Caboose” rule remains unchanged.
A Trojan Two-step
Prophyllactic dance craze sweeps the nation
U.S. Contractor Pulls Out of Reconstruction Effort in Iraq
Unwanted pregnancy avoided
“Soldiers Injured in Iraq Flown to Germany”
Healthy soldiers unnecessary for imminent US invasion of France.
Board approves $2 million jail expansion proposal
Two-by-four hailed as “best comptroller EVER!”
Man Arrested At Hawaii Airport With Blade In Shoe
Other Wesley Snipes movies found in other articles of the man’s clothing.
Space.com – Youthful Galaxies Surprise Astronomers
One Astronomer quoted saying “Wow, Look at the Nebulas on that one! Yeah Baby Yeaeaeaeah!”
Aztecs escape with win when shot doesn’t drop
Conquistadors coach Cortez says “I guess they just wanted it more, the filthy heathens.”
ZDNet.com – Google’s Search For Security
Google Exec quoted saying ‘You can bet your A– we won’t bother with the U.N.”
“World’s Tiniest Baby Doing Well in Chicago”
Has voted three times.
Utility lines to extend into park
Film industry experts project “Utility” will be bigger than “Star Wars”
Intl Herald Tribune – Death Takes No Holidays, a Cancer Study Suggests
– Grim Reaper reportedly threatening to strike unless union heads agree to more vacation time.
The Home Depot Promotes Two
Carreer prospects good for lowest even integer.
Yahoo News:
Telescope Sees Evidence of ‘Baby’ Galaxies
Democrats insist on universe’s “right to choose”
Miller Crashes, Fails to Qualify in Slalom
Brewing company loses the will to compete after hearing that the WTO picked Budweiser over them.
Yahoo News:
No evidence of terminal patients hanging on until after the holidays
Winner announced in annual “Worst Holiday Greeting Card Message” contest
Northern Berkshire Community Action brings Christmas elves to life
Unholy act of necromancy saves Christmas
“Mom Sues Wal-Mart Over Daughter’s Suicide”
My Little Suicide Kit(TM) defective.
Yahoo News:
CBS’ ‘Raymond’ Top Show on Slow Monday
CBS execs admit: “After Rathergate, the only people watching CBS are Raymond’s relatives and old college friends goofing on him”
Yahoo News:
Smelling Citrus Oils Prevents Asthma in Rats
Rats jubilant after wheezy lifetime spent in musty attics
Rejiggered stadium deal narrowly approved by D.C. City Council
Lack of fancy drink glasses considered deal-breaker for Marion Barry.
Yahoo News:
Dems Claim Win in Wash. Governor’s Race
Yeah, they did that in Florida, too, say Republicans, unsurprised
U.S. Sweeps Through Mosul After Attack
“It seems Americans can’t abide an untidy battlefield,” local says.
Chicago PD frees stuck duck
AFLAC praised police for the swift return of their spokesbird.
WaPo:
New Papers Suggest Serious Detainee Abuse
Rumsfeld said to be pleased with suggestions, adds some of his own
WaPo:
New Papers Suggest Serious Detainee Abuse
Rumsfeld said to be pleased with suggestions, adds some of his own
Blair Pushes for New Mideast Peace Moves
“Nobody does the Running Man anymore,” Blair tells Mideast Peace dancers.
WaPo:
Mealtime turns to Chaos
Dozens injured, wounded, after Michael Moore visit to Old Country Buffet
City of Dallas to pay stiff fine for gorilla’s escape
“Viagra a valid substitute for cash,” say federal regulators.
Seattle Times:
State ends transportation project on ancient tribal site
Officials tout money-saving plan to move the headstones, not the bodies
Pilot Belly Lands Plane At Downtown Airport
“I knew the ol’ spare tire was good for something!” crows portly pilot.
Bush administration finalizes plan to streamline forest rules
“Less jawin’, more sawin’,” says President.
Dad Delivers Baby on Snowy N.C. Highway
However, the delivery took longer than 30 minutes, so it was free.
Masterpiece in East Berlin: Glass artist works beside Tiffany
Pop chantreuse overjoyed that she edged out Debbie Gibson.
Dolphins Want to Talk With Saban Again
“Eeeek eekeekeek klick eek click-click,” says dolphin spokesman.
From WFTV:
Teen Accused Of Shooting Santa With Pellet Gun
Weapon identified as a Red Rider Carbine Action 200 Range Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time
Kiwanis Crab Feed next month
“Ducks are overrated. Crustaceans are where it’s at!” claims Kiwanis spokesman.
From The Washington Post:
Raptor Tests Suspended After Crash
T-Rex tests to continue
The Grinch who inflated Christmas
The Spice Channel announces an update to an old holiday favorite.
Jesus’ Miracle Site Disputed
doubters say even Jesus couldn’t design a blog that gets no spam.
Bush forest plan would reduce restrictions
Forest rangers in tight pants breathe a sigh of relief.
From The Washington Post:
Ukraine Candidate Raises Language Issue
… or so we think. We counldn’t understand a word he said
Prep scoreboard published Dec. 23
Jock, Nerd, and Stoner scoreboards to follow.
Cavemen pull away in fourth quarter
Cavemen claim to feel “smothered”, want to be able to see other people.
Followup: Docs Say Santa’s Eye Shot Out
From The Washington Post:
Judge Rejects Guilty Plea In Spam Case
U.S. District Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein soon to be deluged with e-mails
MOORE MAY BE ON THE MOVE
All-you-can-eat buffets scramble to prepare for rotund filmmaker’s arrival
Teen Accused Of Shooting Santa With Pellet Gun
Teen on naughty list for life. His kids too.
“$39 Million Stolen at Belfast Bank”
In unrelated news, Guinness has best quarter ever.
“82 year old Nobel Prize winner to marry 28 year old…”
Fuure groom won the 2002 Nobel Prize for medicine for his invention of cialis.
“Martha Stewart Calls for Sentencing Reform”
“Sending Famous people to prison is just wrong” said the domestic diva.
Tackling terror threat a real challenge for Pakistan
Not exactly peanuts for other countries either.
Recent galactic births surprise astronomers
“She swore she was on the pill!” astronomers claim.
Children losing health insurance
Mom advises them to retrace their steps. Dad growls that a new one will come out of their allowance.
“Small Asteroid Passes Between Satellites and Earth… ”
Michael Moore, a large hemorrhoid, passes between Reality and Earth…
“Europe again ignores scientists’ advice on fish”
“We’ve told them time and again, ‘try the salmon almondine’, but they never listen” top scientist says.
Yanks caught in Dodgeball
— Southerners victorious
Deal falls through for Big Unit
— Porn film put on hold indefinately
Google Nukes Santy Worm, But Threat Remains
— Praises idea from Weblog; plans to target moon next
From the Birmingham News:
Police take case for more firepower to City Council
Council rejects land-based S.M.I.T.E. weapon to be used to atomize area crack houses – cites “sticky civil rights issues” as reason.
From Drudge:
“Parachute System Can Save Small Planes…”
…Large Planes Still Screwed.
From Drudge:
“FRENCH TEENS MUG SANTA CLAUS… ”
Having no success defeating real enemies, Frogs turn to fictional foes
from cnn:
Friendly advice for Democrats
–give up already.
from CBSnews:
Nine Eagles among those bound for Pro Bowl
–New “Desperate Housewives” commercial to feature S+M theme.
last should be abc news, sorry!
from USAToday:
Martha Stewart’s Christmas message: Prison food is ‘bad’
— Suggests Rosemary chicken recipe, real china and silverware. States:”presentation is everything”
from Reuters:
$5 Million Can Buy Lots of Bull in New York
— if you think that’s a lot, try Congress
from MSNBC:
Turtles not ‘happy’ with Applebee’s
— Turtles complain of poor service, no pizza on menu.
Lilly ups plant cost estimate
Daffodil would have been cheaper.
from MSNBC:
Vince Neil gets physical in Dallas nightclub
— Heavy metal rocker seen dancing to Olivia Newton John tune
Japan Has First Case of Bird Flu in Human
…man blames hawkish stance of Bush administration infectious.
Santa Cleared to Fly in U.S. Airspace
…also, Tooth Fairy renews dental license.
from the AP:
No Apologies From Holmgren for Seattle
— “hey, not my fault. with the rain, the music, the tree huggers, and all the coffee, its no wonder Seattle is horrible.”
Census Estimates Show Red States Growing Fastest…
Democrats demand recount; say counting schizophrenics only once disenfranchises people of “other-bodied consciousness”
just for SarahK
from the AP:
Cowboys Sticking With Testaverde at QB
— Parcells: “hey, at 5-9 there is little chance of even making playoffs anyways.”
“Democrats demand recount; say counting schizophrenics only once disenfranchises people of “other-bodied consciousness”
Posted by Lionstone”
— LMAO! that one is good!
“Blair Pushes Mideast Talks”
Mideast to Blair: “Stop Shoving!”
Yahoo News:
Yushchenko: Ukraine vote may be disrupted
Sending observers to State of Washington a mistake, say insdiers
Yahoo News:
American pop artist Tom Wesselmann dies
Stunned nation left asking, “Who?”
Yahoo News:
Snow Falls From N.M. to Lower Great Lakes
Yet snow rises in other regions; scientists baffled
Yahoo News:
Nicaraguan leftists screened out of entry to U.S.
Pilot program to be extended to universities, media
Yahoo News:
UN Troops Deploy to Stop East Congo Fighting
Heated debate among UN officials over how best to be ineffective until eventual ignominous withdrawal
From BBC:
UK charity pulls out of Darfur
A frustrated Darfur could not be reached for comment
From BBC:
Should you believe your ears?
I can’t believe your ears, either
From BBC:
Four Galileo spacecraft ordered
Supersized, with fries and a Coke
From BBC:
Body in field ‘not suspicious’
Police: ‘Around here, it happens all the time. Nothing to get worked up over. Move along now.’
From The Times Online:
England find eighth wonder
Brits admit: “To be honest, we had wondered about it all this time. Then it suddenly hit us…”
From The Times Online:
Rowling whizzes out a new Potter
Question of where she gets ideas finally answered
From The Times Online:
Mars shows its icy top
“Planets Gone Wild” video released
From The Times Online:
Battle on for Christmas No 1
Jesus holds slight edge over Santa, Frosty
From The Times Online:
Virgin territory, but someone has to visit
Wise men, shepherds expected on the 25th
From the Washington Times:
Hispanic Men Moved to Bush
Found insurance lower, housing prices more reasonable
French Determined to fight terrorism:Chirac
Chirac says “Bring it on, we can show you how a real surrender is done:
From Drudge:
“Company sells cloned cat for $50k…”
Shelter still giving them away for nothing to those who can’t afford the 50k price tag.
New York Post Online:
Wash. Recount Favors Democratic Challenger
Dems claim Republican incumbent lied about taking showers
CNN:
‘Study: Fit but fat not good enough’
Author demands people be fit and obese
‘Pope defrocks wounded priest’
Pope offended by clerics wearing dresses
‘Poll: U.S. confident about drug safety’
Citizens say “we haven’t seen any bad acid in years”
USA Today:
‘City bans indoor nudity’
Ban on outdoor apparel to follow
”Red’ states growing quickly’
Scientists speculate extra room due to Michael Moore moving north
from the AP:
Arkansas’ Newest Attraction
Clinton Library Sparks Little Rock Renaissance
–Attendance surpasses world’s largest ball of ear wax and Hog calling contest at the State Fair.
from Reuters:
‘Who’s Your Daddy?’ TV show sparks fury
–Mass confusion erupts in Ghetto
from Canadian press:
Swiss student busted for trying to hide salami from Aussie customs officials
— Expected defense: Students have been “hiding the Salami” for years.
from fox:
Kerik to Leave Giuliani’s Firm
“I gave them some courtesy reach-arounds, but I gotta save something for the maid”
from Fox:
Airports Change Frisk Policy
Newly appointed Security Chief, Snoop-Dogg, claims: “If you gots big tizzles you gonna get frisked fo’ shizzle!”
from Fox:
Suit Filed for Prom Dress Ban
“Prom dresses offend some gays and lesbians. We suits are multi-gendered.” The spokesuit admitted that, if pressed, they were willing to drop some of thier hard line arguments.
from Fox:
Snowstorms cause accidents, delays
In other news, some bears went poopy in the woods.
From cnn:
Sudafed maker cuts meth ingredient
Sudafed maker: “they was tryin to keep me down, so I says step off or I gots to cut you. Thems da rules.”
from cnn:
Weak dollar lures travelers to U.S.
Sucks thier souls, lifeblood. Eats brains. Getting stronger.
from cnn:
Baby galaxies are born
Then are sucked into nothingness by a black hole. Partial birth galaxy abortion reforms pending.
From ESPN:
Final Score: Sex 26, Sports 25
Sex advances to semi-finals