Frank J. was recently involved in a car accident, and it looks like paying for all those repair bills may prevent him from buying that 75 carat diamond ring that the lovely & talented SarahK‘s been eyeballing.
This. Will. Not. Do.
Being a married man myself, it pains me greatly to think that Frank J. might somehow escape the chafing bonds of wedded bliss.
So, in the fine tradition of such great celebrity fund-raising songs as “We Are the World“, and “We’re Sending Our Love Down the Well“, I’ve penned a little ditty to help Frank J. out.
[NOTE: The lyrics – while PG-13 – aren’t entirely SarahK-safe, so I’m putting it in the extended entry. If she REALLY wants to sing it, I can whip up an FM version. Also, I’m not presently aware of a tune that fits the meter of the lyrics. If you think of one, leave a note in the comments]:
Our favorite Frank J. was just driving along,
Snapping his fingers, and singing a song,
Burned through a red light, and hit by a truck,
Rolled in a ditch and was s*** out of luck.
An ambulance showed up just barely in time,
And down to the ditch paramedics did climb.
“Please help me! I’m bleeding” said the wounded Frank J.,
They laughed at his pain and then sauntered away.
As Frank sat and suffered, all mangled and broke,
A cop soon walked up, checked the damage, and spoke:
“Looks like you were speeding, and prob’ly drunk, too!”
“You dangerous driver! Here’s a ticket for you!”
“But I’m crippled and blood-soaked!”, said Frank with a frown,
“Do you think you could help me get back into town?”
“Ha ha!”, laughed the cop, “guess it’s just not your day.”
“I’ve finished my donut, now I’ll be on my way.”
Frank lay there alone with a tear in his eye,
“Won’t someone PLEASE help me? I’m too young to die!”
And just then his phone rang. ‘Twas sweet SarahK!
“Hooray!” shouted Frank, “I’ll be rescued today!”
“why aren’t you at home? you ought to be here!”
“not making my pinky toe ouchy with fear!”
“But my car is all wrecked, and my clothes are on fire!”
“i’ll bet you’re out drinking, you naughty old liar!”
“you’re mean! and i hate you! i don’t love you at all!”
“and now i regret ever making this call!”
“and i’ll bet that you’re sorry you once called me a cow!”
“I said ‘SNUGGLE BUNNY!!!'”… “i’m hanging up now.”
Frank picked up his phone, and he made one last try,
To have someone rescue him, else soon he’d die.
He called home to Sydney, who answered “Squeak! Squeak!”
Which was the WRONG answer – Frank started to freak.
“Get off of my phone, you bad monkey-cat!”
“Squeak! Squeak!” was all Sydney would answer to that!
“I’ll pee on your head you dumb son of a… [realizes SarahK isn’t around, and decides to go for it]… bitch!”
“For letting me lie at death’s door in a ditch!”
Frank hung up the phone, and gazed up at the sky,
He had to be brave now, or else he would die.
A mile on smashed elbows, Frank crawled to his door,
Tried to make it to bed, but passed out on the floor.
He woke in the morning, all covered in blood,
To sweet Sarah’s cursing ’bout tracking in mud.
Assessing the damage, he noticed one thing –
He couldn’t both fix his car AND buy a ring!
So all through the day, Frank with Sarah fought,
‘Bout whether a car or a ring should be bought.
’til Frank said “I’m sorry for tracking in dirt,”
“I can raise enough cash just my pimping my shirt.”
And so now, my friends, this sad story’s been told,
How Frank J. near-died, all alone, in the cold.
To help out poor Frank, I’ll explain to you how,
Just click on the link. YOU BUY T-SHIRT NOW!
Remember, 100% of proceeds from this song go directly to the “Frank J. and SarahK Memorial Car-Repairing and Ring-Buying Trust Fund Foundation, LLC”.
It kinda fits into the Johnny Cash song “Big Bad John” but needs the tag line between each verse done
I was thinking the same thing but with The Beverly Hillbillies theme song.
wow, i was thinking beverly hillbillies too
I was singing along in the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies also.
Call the School Master!!!
I was thinking Quinn the Eskimo myself.
This is sick, I thought Beverly Hills Hillbillies by the second sentence.
Yah, it’s so definitely Beverly Hillbillies. Poor Frank, it looks like the ‘sweet’ sarahK needs to work on her anger management. Tootles.
Actually, for that dramatic effect I think you can fit the meter to “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”
It kinda worked if you use the death march from Star Wars.
Maybe Snoopy and the Red Baron by The Royal Guardsman, at least parts of it.
MikeC
The Ballad of Jed Clampett came to mind first,as well.I can also see Ted Nugent or Jackyl belting out this diddy.
So would Big Iron by Marty Robbins, which also kinda fits. Then you’d repeat the last half of the last line of each verse:
…
“For letting me lie at death’s door in a ditch!”
Death’s door in a ditch. Wooo-ooo
I love Marty Robbins, well his gunslinger songs, not really the hawaiian ones.
Oh, yeah – it’s Beverly Hillbillies. Very well done, too!
It’ll work with the Beverly Hillbillies verse. Kinda rough, but do-able.
And funny – good job Harv!
How about the Good Ol Boys, the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard?
Would Frank like a PICTURE of a ring, with a real diamond in it? He could just print it out…
oustanding. i especially loved how you didn’t capitalize when i was speaking, LOL.
i wasn’t thinking Beverly Hillbillies, because i’m thinking i’ll record the FM version, and i don’t want us to pay royalties to anyone. but i’m thinking either banjo is involved, or it’s hard rock.
Uh, it’s Jimmy Dean (yes, the sausage guy) that sings “Big Bad John.”
I was thinking “Blow the Man Down” (or “Mow the Man Down,” in this instace) but that would need an oft-repeated chorus, wouldn’t it?
I got Davey Crockett… but I’m old.
Frankie
Frankie J
King of the Blogosphere
sarahk,
Why not banjo and hard rock?
I had the Beverly Hillbillies theme with it too.
Scary.
that was awesome,
Great job!
It would also work with “Sweet Betsy from Pike,” an all-purpose folk tune that appears over and over again in Scotland, Ireland, and the Appalachians. To hear John Derbyshire sing a song about the Riemann Hypothesis to “Sweet Betsy”, go here
…”escape the chafing bonds of wedded bliss” ?? Oh honey, am I ever going to make you ‘chafe’!
Oh yeah, cute song.
🙂 Your Beloved Wife
I started singing it too the Ballad of Jed Clampett, too, but some of the meter is a little off. So I ended up reading it as a poem to the “tune” of ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas with some soft new age music playing in the background.
I would say that it works with Tracy Byrd’s song about the drinking bone being connected to the party bone, but then again that song was stuck in my head while I was reading it.
Beverly Hillbillies? Ach, crivens. No. For the perfect Frank tune, stop and examine who he is; ie, what does he do for a living. Then think, what does he hate nearly the most? Uh huh, that’s right. Now look at the meter we have here, and you can easily see that a perfect, perfect fit is with the old Grateful Dead tune, The Monkey And The Engineer.
“Once upon a time there was an engineer
Drove a locomotive both far and near
Accompanied by a monkey who would sit on a stool, watching everything the engineer would do” …
It fits perfect. All Harvey has to do is write up a chorus.
Spoken word over “Carmina Burana”!