Few people disagree that the blogosphere is a very big thing – at least of those who heard of it. While liberal blogs suck and no one cares about them, right wing blogs are very important and influence the news and are read by big important people. Why, President Bush is probably reading this right now (Hey, Dubya!). Since the blogosphere is so important and so influential, a leader must emerge.
That leader should be me.
I got a 1570 on my SATs – that’s like a perfect score. Only Jesus ever scored higher. Also, I have like a huge IQ. If I were just a little smarter, I could set people on fire just by staring at them. Yeah, that’s how powerful my mind is: Just barely not powerful enough to set someone on fire. That means I’m smarter than everyone and should be listened to and obeyed. Plus, I know what’s important for the blogosphere.
* BULLET POINTS: Bullet points are important because the new generation have the attention spans of monkeys on crack. Bullet points mean things are put into nice little bite-sized chunks that won’t scare people away.
* STUPID MEDIA: Some people think that the blogosphere should help reform the media; those people are dumb and don’t know what the hell they are talking about. If the media was reformed, then what would we blog about? Cats? That would suck. We need more fake memos, and we need them reported on now!
* STRUCTURE: The blogosphere is too scattered; there are like opinions from everybody and I don’t care about most of them. The blogosphere needs to be cut down to size where only important people like me get heard. Instead of a blogosphere, we should make a blogododecahedron because that would have a finite number of sides. If you don’t know why that’s important, then you are dumb and should stop reading this now and pick up a copy of Highlights.
Okay, that’s all the bullet points I can think of right now. Three is plenty, though; if I only had two things, then bullet points would have been excessive. I’m smart; I know things like that.
This gets me to my main point: The blogododecahedron needs a leader. Not like a president, though; that’s so last century. It needs an overlord who will reward what is good and crush what is bad, bringing order to the blogododecahedron. He will wear a cape and a helmet with spikes and all will fear him. Also, he should have blog thugs – or “blugs” – at his disposal to beat up any who fall out of the order.
I should be this overlord.
We should have an election. My campaign slogan will be: “Frank J. for blog overlord – because he told you so!” And that’s what an overlord should be like – he should just command things to be done.
On second thought, no election; I declare myself overlord now. I know ninjitsu and will fight to the death anyone who dares say I am not overlord.
Now that I rule the blogododecahedron, no blogs shall be recognized unless I recognize them. But I am also too busy to read other blogs or be bothered by them, so I’ll need people under me to approve blogs and report back to me. Each shall be fierce himself and secretly plot to overthrow me and become overlord – though I am too smart for that. These people will be known as the blog… uh… well, I’ll come up with a cool name for them later. Everyone else will be known as my minions.
Excellent! Things have started now. Soon the blogosphere will be crushed into the order of the new blogododecahedron and all shall bow to my power. Tidings shall be sent monthly to my PayPal account, and I shall grow rich and lazy.
Such is the order of things.
All hail Blog Overlord Frank J. and spread the word of my coming!
First! Oh Overlord.
Hail to the Overlord!
AAH!
Boo, sucks to you, firsty!
Good one, Frank, as usual.
Actually that’s kind of a lie, I haven’t read it yet.
So we should read the “unmedicated” part literally?
HAH! I was first AND I read the whole post before commenting.
Man I’m fast! Perhaps you could use one such as me in your New Blog Order…
Heh, that’s perty funny! With you running your “blogo deca heater” and me runnin’ the free world, we’ll be unstoppable! That’ll be cool!
-G.W. Bush
Hehe, “blugs”
Brilliant!
Apparently, the Lovely & Talented sarahk has taken over the household, so Frank has to exert his influence elsewhere.
(crouching, bowing; arms outstretched)
We’re not worthy!
We’re not worthy!
We’re not worthy!
And yes, blugs was a pretty good one.
Man. You’re right, Frank. We should bow down to you. Not only did you score a huge SAT number, but you scored the lovely and talented SarahK, and all the blog-love on your upcoming nuptials.
So, sign me up as one of your blugs. Is there an application somewhere I need to fill out? Will I get a cape and a weapon? Do you think that blugs will have to attend any meetings?
All Hail Overlord FrankJ!!
Do you need a Brute Sqaud by any chance? I don’t charge much and could have my crew ready at a moment’s notice. Send me to the Daily Kos first…
I thought the blogosphere already had an Emperor.
I’d like to apply for a position on the Blogodecahedron ‘Disenfranchisement Squad’. See how the Navy is using new and improved methods to disenfranchise terrorists: overboard
You must first strike down Emperor Misha before your fall to the blog side can be complete. Give in to your anger, control your fear, and write a slighting post towards him with all your hate.
Woof.
Why not a blogoisodecahedron, oh glorious Overlord, whose overlordness is more overlordy than even the Puppyblender?
A blogododecahedron ruler needs a Dodecasub for those ultra-low frequency earthquake noises in the background when you speak.
Like this:
http://www.cptomes.com/images/dodeca/dodecasub_16_s.jpg
Fear me! I am Dodecaguy!
This smells like a scheme to get an engagement ring paid off.
I’m just sayin.
” have the attention spans of monkey’s on crack”
No man can master the blogs until he masters the apostrophe.
I endorse the Frankish Dominion! Hail our new Overlord!
I’d like to apply for Chief Butt Kisser of the Over Loard Of the Blogododecahedron if I may be so bold as to ask your Overlordness. Please feel free to reply or not at your leisure your Over Lordness as my Butt Kisser Self is at your service and is not worthy of Over Lordness valuable time. Thank you in advance for reading my post and for existing and for your blog and for being the smartest and the funniest and well you get the picture…
Since Frank has gone all dark side on us, what with being a evil overlord and all, I think he need a cool Sith name to go with his new status.
Any Ideas?
Darth Ninjamonkey?
Darth Sarah’s Sweetie?
Darth Doofus?
Jesus took the SAT? I’m just saying . . .
What is thy bidding,oh mighty Overlord? We shall worship thee! (well,after G-d,of course ;))
idiot. i think hitler scored the same as you on your SAT’s.
“…and I shall grow rich and lazy.”
Yeah, with sarahk at your side in some revealing costume with a chain around her ankle attached to your looming largeness.
I got a 1600. smug smile I don’t know ninjitsu, though, you’ve got me beat there.
All hail the mighty Frank J!
But if you are the overlord of the Blogododecahedron which TPB formerly ruled over – that means that there must be an Alliance of Free Blogs spreading filthy lies about Frank!
Take this one: Frank J. breastfeeds cats. Mwa ha! His traffic shall… oh… wait.
I for one welcome our new blogalaga overlords.
BTW was that score on the OLD SAT or the NEW SAT?
Matt..
Darth Goober
it sings
So here’s my question – what would happen if Aquaman were to get into a fight with a Blogododecahedron Overlord?
FrankJ Oh Great Overlord
Forget the capes. See the Incredibals for the reason why .
I can be a cool and tough “bluggette”, especially when PMS comes around…not even a Sith lord can stand against me then! LOL!!!!
Frank! Because you are so young that 1570 on your SATs converts down, because of grade inflation, to a 950 in 1973 units; the year I completed my SAT. That means my 1190 in 1973 would be worth a gagillion-million to infinity! So while you are overlord, I am a GOD! Bow ye down and worship me puny human overlords! Muhahahah!
While of course I welcome our new Blog Overlord, I have to question the spiked helmet.
A spiked helmet? Really? Are you sure about that?
There.
Please please vote for me for Blogodecahedron Idol!
I, with high SAT, GRE, LSAT, and Ph.D., will start a revolution and overthrow you as Overlord unless you put me on your blogroll!
I was so stunned by the repeated bashing of my head by the word “blogododecahedron” I couldn’t even read the rest of the comments.
blogododecahedron!
blogododecahedron!
Aiiieee! It’s following me everywhere I go! I have to wipe my..
nevermind….
The roll of blogododecahedron will run out soon enough.
blogododecahedron!
blogododecahedron!
Stop that! Or I’ll move to… hmmmm. well, somewhere else that the language will not support translating it.
Except Duck or Harvey will probably post a site with the translation.
I swear loyalty, Frank! Just make the word go away!
blogododecahedron!
Aaaiieee! I submit, I submit!!
Sticky B – you have now officially run into that blogger. Well, I mean, you already ran into Ann upthread, but now you have run into… ANOTHER!
(And girl’s can’t be overlords anyway, they can only be overladies… and that just sounds silly).
I scored a 1600 on my SATs a mere 5 years ago. Therefore, you should all continue to bow to Frank, while he bows to me.
I scored a 1570 in either 1996 or early 1997. It was way harder then. So hard, that no human could ever score higher than 1560… or so they thought!
Alas, I must be dumb, since I never read of the blogododecahedron in Highlights. I did read of the dodecahedron in “The Phantom Tollbooth” though. That must be worth something, O mighty Overlord!
No Frank. Don’t watch the Incredibles. Wear a cape. You look good in capes. Here. Try this one on.
Would you care for a puppy smoothie?
My brother scored 1570 in 1972, AKA the Dark Ages. Pretty good for quill and ink lit by candlelight! I scored a measly 1410 in 1976 by which time we had developed daylight savings time and chalk boards. Oh mighty Frank, your royal blogness, might I be one of your flying monkeys…(er) mignons? Should we send tidings or tithes?
So doesn’t that mean SarahK is really going to be in charge of the blogododecahedron. I mean she is really the one that wears the pants in this relationship isn’t she?
I recognize Frank J as merely a frontman, and hereby direct my worship towards SarahK.
Y’all suck… bragging about 1600’s. Sheesh, I got a perfect 2000. And dibs on Chief Blug, by the way.
Technically, I scored a 801, but they gave me another 800 hundred points just for being Mexican.
A 1601!! beat that!
I invented the SAT. Beat that.
Oh, and not the wussy new SAT either, the real SAT.
As a Northern aspirant blug I am too smart, proud, and kind to deign to take your “SAT” thereby embarrassing you with my cerebral Candian intellect.
Hear me scoff at your ninjitsathing whose legendary speed would be virtually slowed to the molasses-rapidity of John Kerry’s mind numbing intonations by the daunting cold of the capricious north!
It is clear the mighty man of IMAO shall be needing Canadian blugs with their unstoppable canuckean tactics – such as burying hippies with mounds of cash from the Liberal party’s handy treasurehouse of stolen taxes. Only Canucklugs will know the proper technique to squash only the desired targets without burying entire towns in stolen treasure.
Only the inherent greatness of Overlord FrankJ which he has graciously informed us of could make minions of the noble denizens beyond the 49th parrallel.
blogododecahedron
How can I not bow?
“Blogododecahedron?” I’d be more impressed if you’d said blogicosahedron.
Ummm.
What’s this SAT you all speak of with such reverence?
I seem to recall some nerd mentioning it back in 1971 when I (would have) graduated. I recall him stumbling around the smoking parking lot (they were still legal then) murmuring “2000! 2000!”
We thought he was just nuts,
He’s probably a doctor now.
I’m pretty sure that you mean blog goons, or “bloons”, not “blugs”
Yeah, yeah. I scored 800 in math my sophomore year in high school. Beat that punks! Who’s the nerdiest of you all, that’s right, me!!! Muhahahhahahaha!
The sad thing about bragging about our SAT scores is that soon when we tell our kids that we scored a 1570 or a 1600, our kids would smirk because now there’s a writing section, so there’s 2400 possible points. How dumb is that???
Oh, yeah. It’s too late, Frank. I’m already the overlord of the blogosphere. You can’t stop me because I have connections with a secret ninja force that you don’t know about because it’s secret! Oh, yeah, I also have monkeys. Monkeys that throw feces at my enemies. Bahahahaha!
Blog Overlord you say. That is so Stalin.
Let’s see, after Felix there was Yagoda, Yezhov and Berea as chief Blugs in redland. But there’s always a Tukhachevsky and a Kirov.
You’ll have to start the purges immediately to pull this off.
Spacemonkey and RWD should be conned into joining forces against Aquaman, since he’s the obvious 1st threat. Just like Kamenev and Zinoviev with Stalin against Trotsky. Then they’re next.
Show trials! You need show trials to prove the treason of those who pretend to support your reign of terror. They’re all fools anyway.
This will be easy! Until you sign a non-aggression pact with the likes of the puppy blender.
Remember Blogograd!
So long as you ask only tidings for your PayPal account, your Overlorddom may grow unrestrained. Until you start demanding tithes, you probably won’t even be indicted. The quick route to power would be taxing your subjects. Then, when your subjects get dragged into tax courts for trying to claim ‘foreign taxes paid’, you wind up in front of a judge and you hope they can’t prove you AREN’T Overlord of the Blogododecahedron. (Tip: to get free lawyers, put crosses or boy-molesting instructions on your blog.)
Until the IRS recognizes you, your ninjitsu will avail you naught against the Red Tape. Perhaps you should take the low profile approach someone else suggested, call your minions ‘bloons’, and wander the streets wearing an eye patch and dead parrot and pushing all your possessions in a shopping cart ranting about ‘da bloons’.
Didn’t you learn your lesson the last time you went up against The Puppy Blender. He’s not all that thrilled with people trying to take his spot.
See you in hell.
Take it from me Frank, being an overlord, while rewarding, is not always an easy task. But you may have an easier time since so many people above seem to support you. Also, as long as you stay as bloggy-thingy-overlord, I dont think well have any overlordish conflicts.
Frank’s the anti-Christ?! Man, I didn’t see that coming!
Of course Frank’s the anti-Christ! He’s Catholic!
jk to all Catholics out there.
Yeah okay Mr. Big Overlord – what are you gonna do for ME? I mean, like what is your platform?
Or are you just going to go around going “Ooh look at me, Da Overlord” and expect lots of bowing and crap?
I might be your minion, but I don’t necessarily have to like it. What you gonna do for ME?
“with sarahk at your side in some revealing costume with a chain around her ankle attached to your looming largeness” … What? A thinly veiled reference to the scene with Princess Leia chained to Jaba the Hut? But nobody is carbon frozen and needing rescue … or did I miss something?
Interesting analogy, ‘though. I am the only living being who knows exactly what size and shape wastebasket James Earl Jones spoke all his lines as Darth Vader into: “All to easy! Prepare the chamber for Skywalker.” Hence, I should be the Blug Leader. And I want a light saber.
ps: what happens if I click below where it says “FORGET PERSONAL INFORMATION”? I’m afraid to try it.