Hello boys and girls,
It’s time for Ask Dr. Duck. This is the day of the week when you get to ask me, Dr. R.W. Duck, all the questions that you need answered.
What’s on your mind? Relationships? Love? Pets?
In love with pets?
Not only can Dr. Duck provide answers – but the answers are completely free*!
Please post your questions in comments. Answers will go up on Friday.
*Initial cost $150.00 minus $10.00 instant rebate, minus $15.00 mail in rebate, minus $3.75 feel like it rebate, minus $14.92 Columbus day rebate, minus $67.12 Wednesday rebate (only allowed on Thursdays), minus $20.00 “pass me another beer” rebate, minus $19.21 loyal IMAO reader rebate. Please allow6-8 years for processing. Customer must keep all original receipts. No warranties are expressed or implied. Offer not valid in blue states. Please drink responsibly.
Dear Dr. R.W. Duck,
I just recently moved from Niagara Falls, NY to Melbourne, Fl. Why? I also wanted to know if you are related to Turban Duck, and if so, why does he keep getting sucked into turbines? Will he never learn?
On a more personal note, if a girl is dating you, doesnt break up with you, moves in with a guy who she claimed was “just a friend”, was dating him while with you, never told you she moved in with him, continues lying, and dating him, but still never breaks up with you. Is that considered cheating even if she didnt “sleep with him”? Doesnt the act of dating him will still being with someone else pretty much make that a moot point? I mean comeone, really?
Why do I have to drink responsibly? I mean, isn’t it alcohol’s main purpose to make me behave irresponsibly?
Dear Doctor Duck,
I am a right wing frenchman. Am I normal? Plus, what can I do to stop those lazy ass student to trash whatever it is they touch?
Thank you.
How much wood would a nun chuck chuck if an nun chuck would chuck wood?
Dr. Duck,
Sometimes I see people still with their bumper stickers that say “Kerry 2004” or “Gore 2000”. Is it wrong for me to run them off the side of the road?
Al Gore claims that Love Story was based on his real life experience. Do you think that Brokeback Mountain is based on the true lives of Al Franken and Chris Matthews?
Hey Duck, it’s Jack Bauer. I have time for only one question. Have you seen the previews for The Sentinal, who are they kidding?
Who should I get to fund my movie idea “Lazarus Hunted: John 12” and if I get go forward with production, should I keep it in a Biblical setting or should I modernize the setting to appeal to the youths of today?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I will be going to Paris next year for a study-abroad program. What can I do to minimize my chances of getting caught in a riot of lazy students?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I know we’re not allowed to question Dems’ patriotism, despite overt treasonous behavious.
Does this mean that we also cannot question the patriotism of “Americans” who fly a Mexican flag above an upside-down American flag?
Thank you in advance,
Master Shake
Or “behavior”, even.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Why have we seen no new pictures of Rowdi since that mysterious bleg for legal help a couple weeks ago? We all know only one lawyer reads IMAO and I can’t be the only one concerned for her non-blendedness.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Where can I get one of those Ann Coulter dolls that that silly Sean Penn is abusing?
Not that I want to abuse it too…. at least not in a hatefull way…..
Dear Dr Duck,
Why are the Mexicans afraid of a fence?
And why are so many American politicians sitting on it, especially since it isn’t even built yet?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Do Venezuelan Ducks also fly south for the winter?
Hiya Doc,
Why don’t the pro-war people have marches and such? Are they lazy?
A follow-up: What is keeping us out of so many wars these days? We’re hardly in any right now. Why, if Patton were still around, our soldiers would be playing Day-O on bongos made out of Kim Jong-Ils buttocks and Rafsanjani’s gravitas. Global War on Terror, my eye. More like the neighborhood watch.
Of course, if Patton were around right now, the irony of making North Korea less safe for pirated DVDs of 1971’s Oscar Winner “Patton” would, I am certain, not be lost on him.
Dr. Duck,
I recently convent to the jewish faith, now i consinding voting for the democrats, i am just wondering if that is normal. I mean i know most democrats are jew hate terrorist love sob.
Dear Dr. Duck,
My boyfriend is conservative but he dresses like a hippy. Is this the beginning of a downward fall into liberal oblivion, or is he just weird?
Dr. Duck,
I recently saw the musing “why does the president and his staff keep calling on Helen Thomas in press conferences given the idiotic and insulting nature of her questions (ie diatribes).” Whilst I pondered this I realized how much Helen Thomas resembles my cat.
Fat? Cat-Yes, Helen-Yes
Grey Hair? Cat-Yes, Helen-Yes
Makes annoying noise? Cat-Yes, Helen-Yes
Irrational? Cat-yes, Helen-Yes
Female? Cat-used to be, Helen-…Well you get the picture.
My question is: Given the uncanny resemblance and the fact that the cat pees on the rug when she is ignored, do you think that the administration calls on Helen out of fear she will pee on the rugs?
So let’s see, as a veteran of the New Math, I figgur after all the rebates you own me a buck six fifty for asking this question. Will that be Canadain, or real money?
Dear Dr. Duck:
During the recent immigration protests, I heard some protesters claim that illegal immigrants made America what it is today by doing the jobs Americans won’t do, such as cleaning bathrooms.
Since most of the protesters were carrying Mexican flags, this got me wondering:
1. Why are most of the restrooms I’ve been to in Mexico so filthy?
2. If clean bathrooms is the key to a great nation, why don’t the immigrants stay in Mexico and clean them, thus improving their own country?
3. Why don’t any of my Mexican friends offer to clean my bathroom?
Esteemed Dr. Duck,
If a person is seriously injured but in a comical way, how long should I wait before making fun of him/her? Should I wait until after the skin grafts have set?
If/when bird flu gets to the U.S.,can we put you in a plastic bubble so as not to lose any of IMAO’s funny? What would we put in it with you to make it worth your while? (Besides any of my money).
Dear Dr. Duck:
Apparently four unknowns have somehow snuck themselves into the NCAA’s Final Four, thus screwing up everyone’s tournament predictions.
Can we all agree that this is Bush’s fault?
Duck-sama, I occasionally have troll problems at my little livejournal. I noticed that IMAO is quite adept at troll extermination. Do you use a special brand of billy goats, and if so, are they available in Texas?
Dr. Duck,
How many democrats does it take to falsely claim they invented the light bulb?
Dear Dr. Duck,
Chicken or fish?
Dr. Duck,
Who would ya do?
A) Hillary Clinton
B) Barbra Streisand
C) Helen Thomas
D) TV’s Fred Savage
Dear Dr. Duck
Can you think of any good questions for me to ask you? I’m out of ideas at the moment.
In other words, what is the question you have been dying for somebody to ask you?
Dear Dr. Duck.
When will I get my rebate from the last Ask Dr. Duck?
Dear Doc Duck Dude,
I am going to Gulfport at the end of April to do some hurricane relief. Since I’ll be crossing Alabama, would you tell me where to find Spacemonkey’s trailer so I can shoot him in the face?
Dear Dr. Duck:
I have nothing to ask.
Can I still have a life?
How can I convince my silly Democrat-supporting highschool friends that they are completely wrong?
dr. duck,
how many licks does it take a democrat to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop? republican? libertarian?
Oh wise and infallible Maha-Ducky,
If a moonbat barks and no one is there to hear it, do we still have to tell David Gregory?