Bank Robbers from across the nation will gather today to hold a rally to protest some of the latest hate tactics perpetrated by evil conservative Republicans. The plan calls for criminalizing and in this case, making it a felony to rob a bank. Said one congressman, “We’re tired of all this illegal activity.”
According to Jose Luis Gonzalez, a career bank robber, “This is hateful plain and simple. We’re just trying to feed our families. We’re not bank robbers. We’re undocumented withdrawers! The politicians are the real criminals.”
Remarked Jose Luis, “I can’t believe they would do this to me. Every time I break the law I’ll have to worry about the consequences. Now I have to live my life in fear”
Senator Hillary Clinton today held a press conference. “This seems wrong. Would we ask the Good Samaritan to not rob a bank? Would we ask Jesus not to rob a bank? This doesn’t seem like it would follow the Bible, which I think I read once.” Senator Clinton, who worships at the First Rainbow Church of the People, was deeply offended and called on those with similar beliefs to contribute money to her charity: Hillary for President 2008. There is no word on whether she might run for president.
Additionally, this bill would make it a crime to help bank robbers in the process of committing the crime. This change has many people riled up.
Said Jose Luis, “What about those people with no job skills? What are they supposed to do? What about those people whose only crime is to drive a getaway car? Are you going to put them in jail too? What have they done wrong?”
Roberto, a successful bank robber, can earn up to $1,200 on a good day. “I can’t make that kind of money robbing banks in Mexico.” This money of course is later circulated into the American Economy.
Without bank robbing, many of these young men would turn to more drastic forms of stealing such as spam, and running for congress.
According to Roberto, even the unsuccessful ones contribute to the economy. “Would those prison guards have jobs? Would they be able to do anything without the undocumented withdrawers? That’s all we’re saying.”
What is not widely known is just how dangerous this work can be. “We spent hours sitting in a dark cramped van waiting for the right heist.” In a tragic tragedy last week, three bank robbers perished while trying to case a joint. “This kind of thing should not happen in America. We couldn’t take care of them. They died in the back seat like some cheap date for Ted Kennedy. We had no place to take them!” Indeed, it is estimated that 1 out of every 3 bank robbers does not have healthcare coverage.
“We’re left to fend for ourselves and nobody cares about us!” says Carlos. “American is starting to become like other more hateful countries”.
Another robber, Carlos, was deported from Denmark. “They told me it was against the laws of their country to rob a bank. How dare they say that? Something is truly rotten in Denmark. Just because I’m in somebody else’s country how can that mean that I have to follow their laws?”
Carlos is now here in America and is very excited at President Bush’s new plan: The Bank Robbing Guest Robber Program.
The rally will be held at noon right outside First National Bank.
That touched my heart, truly it did. You should run for some sort of public office: RightWingDuck for President!
FIRST!!
On the local call-in show today, the host compared illegals to someone breaking into your house to clean it. Fine, go ahead, just knock first.
Drats!! not first!!
F*** you, who the hell do you think you are? Why don’t you educate yourself in other proffesions than just sheep f***ing.
John,
People assume I studied the profession (See? Correct spelling) of sheep-f***ing at college.
This is not true. I did all of my learning in the field.
Or the pasture – if you must be specific.
Excellent post. I can’t understand the attitude some people have toward illegal immigration – heaven forbid we should enforce our own laws!
My question with the illegal immigrants protesting in LA is, WHY ISN’T INS SWEEPING UP DOWN THERE??? MY goodness, there are illegals ALL over that place. All the INS guys have to do is walk around and ask everybody for their green card. Have them bring in some Natl Guard guys as back up and see how steadfast those protesters are.
Excellent essay, RWD!
I’m reminded of whoever it was who said, “Calling an illegal alien an undocumented worker is like calling a rapist an undocumented boyfriend.”
And as Joe Piscopo used to say on Saturday Night Live, “Pardon me for thinking clearly!”
What a world.
The very fact that there’s even half a million here to protest on American soil is ridiculous in the first place. If someone broke into my house, even just to clean it, they’d still get shot.
“Undocumented withdrawers”…LOL! What about serial killers? I’m sure they’d prefer to be refered to as “depopulation engeneers”. That’s hard work. Selecting vitems (err…earth / heaven transferal candidates…have to be p.c.), chopping up the bodies, digging graves…all aside from 40 hour work weeks. Imagin how much more empty the prisons would be if we just leagalized it? Besides…all they want to do is work hard and and make the world a better place.
I’m having a great time NOT filling out Liddy Dole’s opinion polls and mailing back a nasty note on immigration instead. As for this post my fine feathered friend, I wonder if FrankJ will read it?
Thanks you, Mr. Duck, for putting this little tiff in such clear relief. All four of my grandparents immigrated to this country and became citizens. They entered legally, got papers, applied for citizenship, learned the language, and got jobs. Why in Ghod’s name can’t the wetbacks do this?
People talk like deporting them all will destroy the economy. I say: deport ’em, build a wall, and bring them back in on work visas or guest programs or whatever. Let’s see how bad it really is.
Madhun,
You know, I AM Mexican, dammit.
And the word Wetback is extremely offenseive to me.
But yes, I see your point.
Actually, madhun, I thought the controversy was partially because there would be no guest worker program under the resolution, even after the illegals were deported, that illegals would be “felons,” and that people helping out illegals would be aiding and abbetting criminals (though this last one was overturned this morning).
My apologies, Mr. Duck. I did not mean to offend. I grew up in LA and had mexican friends who called themselves wetbacks, so I thought it was okay. Or is it one of those deals where a group can call themselves a derogatory name, but no other group can? Or perhaps attitudes have shifted and a term that was acceptable 20 years ago is now bad?
I’m just glad your a duck and not a goose or a turkey. Those critters can hurt ya when they get pissed. Ducks just quack louder 😉
El Santo has a point. If we kick them out as felons, they cannot come back in legally because they are felons. I guess I just don’t like double standards, which is what Mr. Duck so aptly layed down. If they were to exit and re-enter with the intention of becoming a citizen, I can forgive that.
Madhun,
“Why in Ghod’s name can’t the wetbacks do this?..”
Like I said, didn’t agree with the exact words, but did agree with your point.
BTW, why did everybody think I was talking about illegal immigrants? I was referring to bank robbers for real!
:0)
I agree, RWD. “Wetback” really is a negative term, as is any racist epithet, unless of course we’re talking about the Irish. Like the line in Blazing Saddles; “We’ll take the ni**ers & the the chinks, but we DON”T want the Irish!”
I hope nobody gets offended by those racist terms. I would NEVER call anyone Irish.
I was under the impression that “irish” was an adjective that defines something as having to do with or containing alcohol, ie, Irish Cream, Irish whiskey, Irish temper, fighting Irish…not necessarily derogatory…actually very popular on college campuses
Ducky, This is so darn hilarious!! Too bad it won’t fit on a t-shirt.
Jonag,
We’re not just all about the t-shirts.
BTW, if we COULD fit it on a T-shirt would you buy it?
Just asking.
I’d make sure it comes in pink ;0)
It would appear John Doe (short post at the top with bad spelling) might in fact be an unauthorized withdrawer. Poor guy. The benifits really suck in that profession. Thank you RWD!
You can’t kick me out of this movie theatre, I snuck in with other non-ticket holders and now I have a right to see this movie becuase I’m here.
Breaking news(in 2007):
The MLB team the ‘Nationals’ drew mass condemnation for sporting an illegal immigrant bashing name.
Tip # 34 for sheep-f***ing:
Tall boots. Easier to place the sheep’s rear legs down the boots, so they can’t get away.
(I think I’ll go hire a migrant worker to hold the video camera…)
Is “wetback” automatically racial in nature? Surely there are one or two Canadians who swim a river to get here. If for no other reason than to get timely healthcare.
Don’t need no boots, just roll the yew on her back that way you don’t miss out on the kissies.
Rightwing duck is a rightwing quack. Desperately poor people coming to this country are hardly the quivalent of bank robbers and suggesting that they are is ignorant. Perhaps rightwing quack wants to dismantle the Statue of Liberty.
I take back everything I said about right wing duck.
I am dum and he is smart
Great article. Sums up the situation nicely.
I’m not for making illegal immigration a felony, at least the first time. Perhaps for repeat offenders? I also believe that there is no way you’re going to round up and deport all 11+ million illegal immigrants in the US.
That being said, there is something to the idea of enforcing the law when it comes to employers hiring illegals in addition to not providing free welfare to illegals (and maybe even charging Mexico for any health care provided to one of their citizens here illegally).
If they can’t get jobs and benefits, there is a good chance that they will leave on their own.
You need to look at the big picture.
This country should accept all desperately poor people who desperately need work, food stamps, free health care, subsidised housing, free education, welfare and drivers licenses. After all, isn’t it everybody in the world’s birthright to have a roof over their head, three square meals, a good education, clothes on their back, a car with decent rims, a couple of TVs, a DVD player, a computer, Broadband Internet, indoor plumbing, an iPod, a good sound system, a microwave oven, a couple of pets, some children and lottery tickets?
When you consider that the 11 million undocumented workers would have otherwise starved to death – like the tens of millions of others in Mexico you hear about dying – I think you can find it in your hearts to allow these desperatly poor people these few necessities.
– oh . . . and a job. Did I mention they are here to do the work nobody else will do?
(RWD’s Note: Comment not really from Skipper)
This is the type of ridiculous false analogy I expect from the Left. As a pro-gun, pro-life, anti-Tax, pro-Iraqi freedom, small-government, pro-family conservative (oh, and BTW, a Hispanic), I think this rhetoric is unworthy of our side.
“This country should accept all desperately poor people who desperately need work, food stamps, free health care, subsidised housing, free education, welfare and drivers licenses.”
Actually this type of argument(we need to help the needy) means we should have taken in the 400,000 Rwandans who were massacred. Peter Singer and John Stuart Mill would have been proud.(At least the former…)
If admission to this country is to be need based, then let’s take the real needy. Unless proximity to the US is the most mitigating factor. How many people live in Cuba?
It’s the perfect analogy: Law breakers demanding that the laws not apply to them.
It’s an inaccurate and offensive analogy. Lots of people have broken laws. Breaking a law doesn’t place a person in the same class as a thief. The millions who broke the Prohibition laws weren’t in the same class as robbers and theives either.
By the way, this post and my original post at 2:10 p.m. are the only ones I have actually made in this thread.
Breaking the law doesn’t make you a thief – true.
It does, however, make you a criminal.
Categorize the crime however you want.
We’re not asking to take apart the statue of liberty (did YOU really say that?) but we do have a right to say which laws we want and which ones we will enforce. By “WE” I mean legal residents of the United States.
Or should we leave that decision to the illegal aliens as well?
Well, skippy, i’ve noticed on tv just how hard these protesting f***ers in Dallas and LA are “working”.
Congrats RWD! The Corner loves you!
“Breaking a law doesn’t place a person in the same class as a thief. The millions who broke the Prohibition laws weren’t in the same class as robbers and theives either.”
I bet the IRS would disagree. Just ask Al Capone..er..skip that he died in prison while serving time for tax evasion.
As a descendant of Irish immigrants I’m gonna hit the scotch and then offer to hit all of you! But that’s what I do, and I’ll probably turn red(der) and cry about it before I pass out. My people came here the last time corporate America needed cheap later. Legally, of course. I’ve made my peace with that. I’m thinking, one way to make Mexico more appealing would be to send more Irish and Scottish Americans down south. We’ll cross the river and be wet, no problem. We drink so much we’re wet a lot anyways. Once there, we’ll do what always happens when large scale immigration occurs. Organized crime! Aye, shorin’ we’ll rob they’re arses blind! Never mind the sub machine gun totin’ fookers they have guarding their banks. We’ll work up our gaelic courage (Jameson’s) first and catch the bullets in our teeth! Have to do something about the tequila… Do they have AA down there? A 12 step hat dance sort of program.
Admission to this country (USA) should be predicated on two points. Are you visiting or staying?
If you visit, then have lot’s of fun, take lot’s of pictures, then have a safe trip home.
If you plan to stay, no one want’s you to abandon your heritage, but you MUST assimilate, or know grief. No less than folks who move to whatever place you had to abandon.
Talk of doing work “American’s won’t do” is simple deception. There IS no job we can’t or won’t do, better. ‘Just won’t work for illegal wages paid cash under the table to avoid legal scrutiny.
Now, the REAL REASON for the marchers passion? INVASION!
Pure and simple.
Call me what you will, but before I change my mind, you’ll have to change the facts.
Mecha Motto:
For the race, everything, those outside the race, nothing.
Whose your buddy?
Here’s another thought: What if we were take a poll of all the unemployed Americans and ask them if they won’t do what it takes to earn a living, even if only at minimum wage? I’d bet there are LOTS of people who will “do the jobs that Americans don’t want”. If we have a significant unemployment rate, yet farm out jobs to illegals, then that’s a problem.
That’s a cheap shot by AlanABQ – tying the unemployment rate to farming jobs to illegals!
Next he’ll probably suggest that if we didn’t make welfare so freely available, then people would do these jobs to survive and feed their families . . .