“Good job with your first press conference,” President Bush told Tony Snow.
“Thanks. I found the best way to handle Helen Thomas was to spray her in the face with a water bottle every time she tried to speak. I figure if I keep it up, she’ll learn not to talk at all.”
“Maybe, but Ari Fleischer tried the same thing, but instead of spraying her with a water bottle, he clunked her on the head with a tire iron– and that still never took. There was one thing about your press conference I didn’t like, though, and I think that was violating our first rule.” Bush pointed to a sign on the wall.
Tony read the sign aloud. “‘No matter what, never admit it’s amnesty.'”
Bush looked at the sign. “Oh, I guess we changed the first rule. Anyway, it used to be ‘There is no crying in this administration.’ I don’t care if you barely survived cancer, Snowman; I barely survived a pretzel, and I didn’t cry… even though I really really wanted to. Anyway, it’s time to appease the base.” Bush walked over to a map of the world and whapped Mexico with a pointer. “I think the only way now is to invade Mexico.”
“Invade Mexico? Well, I guess that will be easy with troops at the border.”
“No, they’ll expect that.” Bush pointed to Guatemala. “We’ll invade from here and they’ll never see it coming.” He thought for a moment. “So now I need a plan to invade Guatemala.”
Condi stormed into the room and yanked away Bush’s pointer. “Wars are for popular Presidents. You finish the ones you have and just work on border security.”
“Ahh… border security is boring,” Bush moaned. “Well, I guess I’ll head to the border and work on the problem.” He turned to Tony. “You tell everyone I’m doing a lot about illegal immigration and not to say bad things about me because the NSA will know… but don’t admit we have an NSA spying program. Actually, deny we have an NSA.”
“Uh… I’ll come up with something to say.”
“Yes, you say–” Bush marched off. “–I do.”
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stood by the border wearing his Sombrero of Authority and matching poncho. Next to him was some high-tech gadgetry. Bush walked over to him. “What do we have here?”
“A virtual fence,” Alberto said and handed goggles to Bush while taking a pair for himself. They both put them on, and Bush then saw in front of him a giant wall of pure concrete.
“Wow! When you wear these, it appears that we actually care about border security!” Bush exclaimed.
“All we have to do is get everyone to wear these and it’s like we really have a fence,” Alberto said. “We would also need to get Mexicans to wear these if we don’t want them all running over here while we’re admiring our virtual fence. But, if they do come in…” In the virtual world, Alberto pointed up at some butterflies flying over the fence. “–it won’t look so bad. See, those butterflies are virtual representation of illegal immigrants crossing our borders.”
“Wow! They’re almost blocking out the sky!” Bush looked down and saw a newspaper on the ground. He picked it up and read it. “Cool! In this world, my approval rating is almost 40%!”
The good news disappeared as Alberto pulled off Bush’s goggles. “I have something else to show you. If the virtual fence doesn’t work, I hired a consultant for another option.”
Standing near them was a tall, old, bearded man wearing a robe and holding a staff. “I am Gandalf the Gray,” he said, “and I shall make you a magical fence.”
“Yay!” Bush squealed. “I love magic.”
Gandalf faced some Mexicans nearing the border. Gandalf then yelled, “You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! The Dark Flame will not avail you, Flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow!” Gandalf struck the ground with his staff. “You– shall– not– pass!”
A rock struck Gandalf in the head, knocking him to the ground. The Mexicans then all ran over him.
“That could have gone better,” Bush said. “Well, I guess this problem cannot be solved. Anyhoo, I’m hungry for some Mexican food. How about you, Speedy?”
“If you’re paying,” Alberto answered.
As they walked off, a thought struck Bush. “What if we made a real fence?”
Alberto slapped Bush across the back of his head. “That would lower property values, you stupid gringo!”
Remember the Ahhhnuld movie “The Running Man”? Where they had those collars, and the guy that tried to escape, his head blew up? See where I’m going with this? Now, how do we get Los Mexicanos to put the collars on. Hmmmmm…..
FIRST?
“I don’t care if you barely survived cancer, Snowman; I barely survived a pretzel, and I didn’t cry… even though I really really wanted to.”
That line made my day!
You cannot pass…
Frank you are amazing.
More Fun facts and In My World. They make me happy, and I”m bored at work and need something to do besides stomp on bleeding hearts in the Forums.
EJL
Excellent Funny, Frank! Gandalf needs another shot in future episodes! LOL!
FrankJ.
As a Monkey Faced Liberal, I strongly believe in supporting young people’s self-esteem, and not buying into our modern society’s culture of competition.
In my world, everyone gets a trophy, and the kids who ride the short bus get the biggest trophies of all.
So, when I provide you with some feedback here, I hope you will realize that I am just trying to be constructive and supportive.
And I want you to know, YOU ARE A WINNER JUST FOR TRYING!
That said……
This piece really sucked moose penis.
I mean, you make fun of (or try to make fun of) Bush and Gonzales. As a Monkey Faced Liberal, and I should find this hilarious. But — it is just not funny.
Even Jay Leno retired the Bush pretzel joke a year and a half ago. Lets try and keep it fresh, Frank J.
And Gandalf? Appearing out of nowhere? To build the wall?
Not only is this not funny, but, when included with your Samauri sword photos, increases your “Dork Factor” to a level of 7. Keep in mind, you are dangerously getting close to reaching these guys at level 8.
I suggest you study. For instance, though the Onion has seen better days, this might help teach you what SATIRE and FUNNY really is.
In conclusion, study, work hard, and I am sure you will be able to one day write something that is slightly humorous.
And even if you can’t — that is not the point! The important point is that YOU TRIED!
Now, if you excuse me, I have to run. My friends Robert and Brian are getting married, and I still haven’t gotten them a gift!
I was thinking his and his matching butt-plugs. Or is that more of a fifth gay wedding anniversary gift?
HUGS!
Monkey Faced Liberal
Somebody needs punching.
Spacemonkey:
Why so violent?
Did someone make you angry?
I am sorry to hear that. I want you to be HAPPY!
I think you should try and remember the immortal words of Marvin Gaye:
Sing it with me!
“You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate.”
Now, I think it is time to give someone a virtual HUG!
Now, don’t you feel better.
I know I do!
Peace
Monkey Faced Liberal
I wonder if MFL heard about what happened to the zoo monkey who got too close to the bears. Perhaps we should see what happens when we put a monkey-faced liberal too close to a bear cage.
I think Gandalf would have been less susceptible to thrown stones. He defeated a Balrog, after all. But I suppose anyone can be taken unawares.
Very funny though. Very Roflmao. Who is Roflmao? Any relation to Lmao? what is the origin of these exotic names? Lol?
With all of the compassion and concern that I possess, MFL, I fart in your general direction.
Angry?
No, you so silly! Me am Monkey Faced Liberal’s #1 Fan!
Me not do punching when mad!
Punching is done with happy face!
Big smiley happy face!
Smiley face like Mr. Moose you were talking about has after you give his little Mr. Moose some happy mouth time!
Woops got to run there’s some civil rights that need trampling!
Best!
Monkey Faced Liberal’s #1 Fan!
Spacemonkey:
Good job! That was kinda funny.
Peace
Monkey Faced Liberal
Good job!
Did Mr Moose tell you that too? I’l bet he did!
That means a whole really big lot coming from a Monkey Faced Liberal! You know so much more than everyone! About everything!
See, I thought Frank’s post was funny! But you told me it wasn’t!
What can’t we be extra super smarrt like YOU? The extra ‘r’ in smarrt is for ‘really’. REALLY!
I don’t know! I’ll bet you do, cause you’re SO smarrt!
I must have thought I was laughing but I must have really been having a siezure or something.
I am still the super number 1 fan of Monkey Faced Liberal, though!
Even though you make me feel so dumn! See! I can’t even spell it!
Best! Peace!
Best Piece! Did Mr. Moose tell you that too? I’ll bet he did!
Monkey Faced Liberal’s #1 Fan! Yay!
//”I am Gandalf the Gray,” he said, “and I shall make you a magical fence.”//
LOL!! Does this mean we can get a couple of cave trolls to close and open the gates? Since trolls are so frequent around here anyway….
i miss our old trolls.
SpaceMonkey:
What a kind note. Thank you.
I do want to clear a few things up though.
1) There is no “Mr. Moose” that I know of. If you are hearing or speaking to a “Mr. Moose”, you might want to see a medical professional about going from “unmedicated” to “medicated”.
Of course, this might be difficult for you given the fact that we do not have Universal Health Care in this country.
Perhaps you now understand how, as a Monkey Faced Liberal, when I fight for this important cause, I am fighting for you too!
2) Please know that I enjoy helping you and Frank J. as much as you both seem to enjoy my help. I appreciate your thanks for my efforts, and I am sorry I can’t do more to help you be funnier. Don’t think I won’t stop trying though!
3) Don’t be so down on yourself for being dumb. For example, take our current president. He is not exactly the “sharpest knife in the drawer” and yet look at all he has achieved with just a little bit of help from his rich and powerful family.
You too can reach your dreams. Maybe you will never become an astronaut (lets be serious here). But maybe one day the carnies at the Alabama State Fair will let you on the Rocket Ride all by yourself!
The important thing — DREAM BIG!
4) As far as being my new “#1 fan”, I appreciate that also.
However, I would like it if you could stop sending me those videos of yourself dancing naked on a Bear Skin rug to “Sweet Home Alabama”.
As a Monkey Faced Liberal, you know how much I hate to see the skins of our dead animal friends.
Plus, I am more of a Neil Young fan myself (no surprise there huh?)
Peace,
Monkey Faced Liberal
not exacty the “sharpest knife in the drawer”
President Bush is a knife! I thought he was a person! And he’s in a drawer! how’d he get in there? Or is that he’s not in a drawer or is he not sharp? Not a knife? Hard to tell!
It’s just written too smarrtly!
Your smarrtiness is obviously unlimited.
You figured out I’m in Alabama! Holy smarrts!
Sheer.Fricken.Genius.
Do us another huge big brain trick please, please, please!
Its like watching magic!
Peas,
“This piece really sucked moose penis.”
Now that’s your problem, right there. You were at the wrong border.
Is it just me, or are others seeing long posts and checking for M F’ing Liberals name to skip boring and condescending posts? On the other hannd, funny once again Frank.
Dohxs,
It’s not just you.
[Comment Byte Limit Exceeded]
“Might other problems — like the fact that over 10 million children in the U.S. don’t have health insurance — require more attention than the fact that some brown skinned people are coming into the U.S. to build a better lives for themselves and their families?”
Fortunately, all the illegal immigrants in this country already have health insurance and don’t contribute to this problem at all, right?
Instead of a real virtual fence,
let’s save money with a VIRTUAL virtual fence.
Let’s just print barbed wire like lines
on every map of Norte America.
Or we could have a placebo virtual virtual fence
by marking every crossing point
with warning signs that have international
symbols so obscure that the sneaks will turn
away confused.
Or a sign like this one. looks like a winner.
Too bad Scotty died, he could have rigged a force field, I’m sure.
I can almost hear him now…
“Och, Cap’n, I dinna ken ha me bonnie warp engines
an bonnie bairn o’ a ship
be overrun by wee li’l aliens!
Shall I gi’hm a taste o’ the phasers?”
Oh, OK so i guess Gandalf the grey will have to do.
Gee, since MFL’s last post exceeded the byte limit, I guess it bytes a whole lot!But what does it byte? Probably moose penis at, as Bob surmised, the wrong border. Stupid geographically- and humor-impaired Liberal. ;-(
Frank!
That was the funniest “In My World” that I’ve read so far. I laughed so hard I was nearly in tears (“even though I really really wanted to”).
The exchange between MFL and Spacemonkey, here in the comments, sent me over the edge though…rotfl
MFL,
you’re either just plain whacked, or you’re absolutely brilliant with satire. Are you a moose in sheeps clothing? Or are you really a sheep?
rotf
*Note:
The quote in my 11:38 PM comment was from MFL’s 09:39 PM comment, which has since been deleted.
Bob,
Don’t expose the suppression of speech here!
You people are all wierd; some I dare say are retarded.
Anyway, hilarious post Frank.
Frank,
Can I print this and show it to my WR121 instructor? I want to see her pee her pants…oooo…yeah…i wanna see that!
with huricane season coming up I think there is a great likelihood that the virtual fence could get blown away by all those swirling pointy-ended circles on the weather maps. And no one has mentioned that great crippler of young adults – premature evacuation. Let’s get with it team.