This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
I told my wife I was off to implement my plan to kill Aquaman and that I’d be home by dinner. She told me not to bother returning if Aquaman wasn’t dead and that we’d be having pork chops tonight.
The drive to Miami was uneventful as ever as I only had the flat, barren land of Florida to look at. Still, I could only assume Aquaman was following figuring — quite rightly — that I was up to something.
When I got to Miami, I took some evasive turns towards the docks. I only had to lose Aquaman for a short bit. Sure no one was following me, I parked near my destination. I took a small hot dog stand out of the back of my SUV and placed it on the designated spot at the end of the dock. Next to it I put a sign saying “Free Hot Dogs.” Then I disappeared into a nearby building where I could watch the scene through a window.
I had a contact pass out fliers to fatties on the beach. Now I just had to wait for one to take the bait. The important thing was that there would be no connection between me and this victim.
Rosie O’Donnell came clomping down the dock. “Hot dogs!” she bellowed and charged the food. When she reached the hot dog stand, the dock broke beneath her and she plopped into the water. It didn’t take long for her to notice the dorsal fins circling her. “Someone save me before Bush uses this as an excuse to have a war with Iran!”
I had another contact chum the waters here since I first came up with the plan. Now all that was left was Aquaman to attempt his usual impotent heroics.
He didn’t disappoint.
“Don’t panic!” he yelled as he ran for the water. “I’ll get you out of there!”
“Bush is doing this to me because I know too much!” Rosie burbled.
“I highly doubt you know much of anything, so remain still.” Aquaman jumped in the water.
I activated my device. It made no sound; only a little green LED indicated it was working (I didn’t feel like spending the extra money for a blue one). Basically it just sent out garbage on a specific frequency.
A very specific frequency.
Fear slowly crept onto Aquaman’s face as he realized that, for the first time in his life, the fish were not responding to him. The sharks kept closing in on him, and he was so shocked he didn’t even seem to know what to do. He finally struck at one, but another came from behind. Finally, he went under water and a splotch of crimson bubbled to the surface.
Thus ends the story of Aquaman. All that’s left now is to see how much I can get for a fish telepathy jammer on eBay.
There’s gotta be a catch to this. Frank J. could not kill Aquaman so easily!
You are SO going to get a starfish slapped across your face…
Did you actually check to make sure both he and Rosie were dead? That blood could have been from one of the sharks vomitting after attempting to ingest Rosie. Enjoy the porkchops for now….
I’m thinkin’ that the blood was from the sharks chewing off their own fins rather than attack Rosie!!!
I’d make a bid for that telepathy jammer if it had a blue LED.
You might be able to kill Aquaman that easily, well done btw, but Rosie? No way she could be killed by just ordinary sharks.
If they were sharks with ‘lasers’, then maybe…
congrats on finally getting him frank, now finish off thet monkey!
i must agree, it seems a little to simple to “off” Aquaman that easily. but then again, there’s the irony. someone shoulda thought of that a long time ago.
but what happent to Shmosie O’Donut? you didn’t mention her fate (if she’s dead, then substitute the word “fete”)?
No more Acquadumb? Finally, some good news this week!
BTW, if you really wanted to save money… red LEDs are cheapest.
Be careful, if the sharks actually got a nibble into Rosie, it would poison them before they even get to Aquaman.
Don’t sell the jammer, Frank! Use it to screw around with the fishy machinations of the demoncrapic congress.
The splotch of crimson might have been the filling from a jelly filled donut that Rosie chomped into (“My nerves make me so hungry!”).
Rosie floundering in a bay underneath a pier. Ugh! It must have smelled like fish guts, diesel, and wet ass.
Lucky you. You get pork chops when you get home.
As for the monkey, two words: rhesus pieces.
Driving past the Tara Theatre (Atlanta) this weekend, I saw they were advertising a movie called “Aqua Teen.”
I think this Aquaman dispute is about to become multi-generational.