And, if you do cry, then prison doesn’t want you. No one wants a prison full of sissies.
Scooter Libby better heed that warning.
Archive of entries posted on June 2007
Bush Says “Russia Ain’t Got the Balls To Attack Europe”
HEILIGENDAMM, Germany (AP) — After a torrent of sharp exchanges, President Bush continued his diplomatic efforts with Vladimir Putin on Wednesday by saying Russia “ain’t got the balls to attack Europe”, despite a threat to aim missiles at the West.
“Russia is not going to attack Europe,” the president said, brushing off Putin’s warning that he would reposition Russian rockets in retaliation for an American-devised missile shield to be based in Poland and the Czech Republic. “That feeble collection of bushy-browed vodka-swillers doesn’t have the sack for a fight.”
“Russia is not an enemy,” Bush emphasized, “at least not one of any consequence or manhood.
“There needs to be no military response because we’re not at war with Russia,” Bush added. “Besides, it’d be like smacking around a Girl Scout troop.”
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A day before meeting privately with Putin here, Bush appeared eager to put an end to the bickering over everything from criticism about Russia’s backslide on democracy to Putin’s complaints about U.S.-backed independence for Kosovo and a supposed new arms race triggered by Washington.
“There will be disagreements, probably every month or so when the girls in Moscow are ridin’ the red pony” the president said, relaxing in the sun during an interview with a handful of reporters before the annual summit of major industrialized countries. “That’s just the way life works. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I won’t personally bitch-slap that nutless Cossack Putin if he keeps mouthin’ off.”
Asked if he expected a tense session with Putin, Bush said, “Could be — I don’t think so, though. I’ll work to see that it’s not a tense meeting. Maybe I’ll give that little sissy some dolls to play with. That should keep Susie-Pu hushed up.”
The Russians projected a similar air, albeit one awash in the estrogen of their femininity.
Putin spokesman Dmitri Peskov said open hostility is “part of a constructive relationship”, promising “uncomfortable consequences” if the shield is deployed, and adding “we give ourselves the right to expect our partners to listen to our concerns.”
Bush, tieless and with his shirt sleeves rolled up, rolled his eyes impatiently. “Sounds like Ball-less Boris has been watching too much Lifetime,” he said dismissively. “Maybe those pansy hermaphrodites should stop by Poland and borrow a cup of testosterone.”
In the interview, Bush offered his case for why Russia should not worry about a U.S. missile shield in Europe.
“Russia has got an inventory that could overpower any missile defense system,” he said, “if they could shuck off their ballet tights long enough to push the launch button.”
“The practicality is that this is aimed at a country like Iran,” Bush explained, “since if they ended up with a nuclear weapon they might actually have the cojones to use it.”
Told that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had said it was too late to stop Iran’s nuclear program, Bush responded: “Well, the guy’s got stones, but not a lot of smarts. Paper beats rock, and a nuclear weapon beats a nuclear program. Guess Einsteinejad can’t do the math.”
A day after accusing Russia of backsliding on by putting major news media under state control, stripping governors of their independence and cracking down on nongovernment civic groups, Bush took pains to emphasize the positive.
“Society has advanced a long way from the old Soviet era,” he said. “There is a growing middle class, there is prosperity, there’s elections.”
“Sadly, though,” Bush concluded, “there’s also fewer testicles than Lance Armstrong.”
It’s Like Someone Hacked into My Blog and Wrote a Great Post
A Barbara Ehrenreich at HuffPo argues that, instead of fining illegal immigrants, we should pay them. She then sums up illegal immigration thusly:
If someone breaks into my property for the purpose of trashing and looting, I would be hell-bent on restitution. But if they break in for the purpose of cleaning it — scrubbing the bathroom, mowing the lawn — then, in my way of thinking anyway, the debt goes in the other direction.
So illegal immigration is like someone breaking into your house to clean it. Yes, you come home, you are shocked to find the door open, but once you get inside all you can find is the living room vacuumed and — as far as you can tell — nothing is stolen. And the kids seem fine. How could anyone have any other feeling in that situation than gratitude?
Lets try and come up with some even more disturbing metaphors for illegal immigration.
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS LIKE…
…someone stole your baby right out of her stroller, and after twenty minutes of frantically searching for her, you find her back in her stroller with her diaper changed.
…someone messed with your food while you weren’t looking and afterwards its strangely delicious.
…you’re savagely beaten in an alley, and it fixes your bum knee.
…someone robs you at gunpoint in front of your crying wife and kids. The next day, you get a letter saying an account as been opened in your name with your money invested in a hot mutual fund.
…someone breaks into your home and puts a hidden camera in your shower. He then uses it to leave you an anonymous letter saying you have a mole that you should get checked.
…someone raped your wife, and then she gives birth to a genius.
…you’re suddenly pulled into a van and a hood is thrown over your head. No one says a word to you no matter how much you scream, “Who are you? Why are you doing this to me?” Eventually, you feel yourself being pulled from the van, ushered through a tight hallway, and then thrown to the floor. When you finally get your hood off, you find you’re in a small, dimly-lit cell with no windows. Once a day, you’re given bread and water through a slot on the metal door… or at least you think once a day. You’ve lost all track of time. Weeks go by of you wallowing in complete isolation until finally the door opens. There stands a masked man pointing a gun at you. At last! Sweet death! you think to yourself. When the gun fires, you feel a sting in your shoulder and turn to see your were shot with a tranquilizer dart. Everything goes black. After a dreamless sleep, your eyes open to see you’re lying on the doorstep of your own home. Though every muscle in your body aches, you struggle to your feet and enter your home for what seems like the first time in years. You stumble inside, and it’s as you remember. You can hardly believe it; the nightmare is finally over. Before you collapse to the floor crying, you notice some papers on the kitchen table. At first, the papers look like an odd mix of numbers and letters that your addled mind can’t make sense of. Slowly, you begin to comprehend the truth: the people who kidnapped you — who robbed you of your sanity and your humanity — did your taxes.
Who wouldn’t be grateful in these situations?
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Finally a Place to Send Those Funds You Are No Longer Giving to the RNC
Fred Thompson has raised $220,000 in 18 hours (his campaign site only launched yesterday). I put a money raising widget on the right sidebar. Maybe if he raises enough money, he can hire me as a humor advisor for his campaign. Politicians needed a smarter application of humor, and only I understand the science of humor to tell them how.
They know how to contact me.
(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)
Neighbor in Trouble
It used to be that people lived in small towns where everyone knew everyone. You had trouble, you had the whole town to turn to. Nowadays, people are more mobile and less neighborly, but we have our digital community to turn to. If I have trouble, I know I can turn to the blogosphere for support and advice.
In that spirit, I should mention that Danny Carlton (Jack Lewis) and his family are in quite a spot. Their children have a rare congenital disorder, so they were lucky when his wife was able to get a job with a national company with health insurance. What happened later, though, was her boss made advances to her and was rebuffed. He later charged her with sexual harassment and then got her fired without any evidence (it would sound too awful to be true if it weren’t for experience). Because sexual harassment is considered gross misconduct, they can’t even COBRA their insurance and their children are in constant need of medical attention.
You can read the whole story here, including what company fired her so summarily. John Hawkins has a little about Danny Carlton here.
To be honest, I was planning on rattling the tin cup soon, but Danny Carlton and his family needs it a ton more. If you have any way to help them, please do. We’re a community.
Frank Debate Questions Suggestions
I watched a bit of the Republican primary debate (the lovely and talented SarahK blogged it here), and it was pretty boring. I think I have some ideas for questions that would make it a lot more entertaining. They may not go directly to the issues, but I think they’ll help us learn a lot about the candidates as people.
REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE QUESTIONS
* If you had to pick a minority group you like the least, which one would it be?
* What are your theories on what’s happening on Lost?
* Should gays be allowed in the military? Should straights be allowed in figure skating?
* For this next round, you can only speak using song titles.
* If you had to choose a country in Europe to declare war against, which one and why?
* Who wants a hug?
* Close your eyes and see if you can name all the other candidates on stage. I bet you can’t!
* Would you leave nukes on the table in our dealings with the moon?
* I’m going to read a list of names and I want you to raise your hand if you’d hit that.
* Would you support torture against terrorists? How about e-mail spammers?
* Now commences the brick round. You each get one brick you can throw at another candidate.
* Any of you know where to score some blow?
* Prove you’re not an alien impostor!
* Is our nation prepared for a ninja attack or is our kung fu weak?
* If King Kong were unavailable, who would you put in his place to fight Godzilla?
* We can all agree this is pretty pointless without Fred Thompson, right?
UPDATE:
I should mention that one of those was in the questions I sent to Tom Tancredo that he didn’t answer.
Get Your Fred On
New Fred Thompson shirts from ThoseShirts.com!
Look how awesome it is! You must have one!
I came up with the slogan, and Doug from ThoseShirts.com came up with the design. He also has a “I’m with Fred” shirt that goes well with Fred Thompson’s new campaign site and a “Better Fred than Dead” shirt.
Anyway, make sure you get a Fred Thompson shirt now to show everyone you support his candidacy. Otherwise, people might think you’re still on the fence and waiting for Chuck Hagel to enter the race.
If Fighting Terrorists Causes Terrorism…
Hapkido of Crunch Time follows the logic with other causes & effects.
I’m jealous for not having come up with this angle myself.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
The Bestest Entertainment News Ever Since Scrubs Got Renewed
So’s your face. HaHA. Preemptive strike.
HERE IS THE SUPER-AWESOME MOTHER-OF-ALL-FANTASTICKEST OF FANTASTIC-SUPERTASTIC NEWS!
Can you handle it?
I’m not sure you can.
Take a deep breath kids. Maybe I should put it below the fold. No, I’ll wait till the end of the post.
The other thing is that Frank is painting our bedroom right now. The color is vanilla ice cream. No lie. We’ll see how that turns out.
Ok. Are y’all ready? Prepare yourselves. Alright. Bravo is doing a reality show called…
Continue reading ‘The Bestest Entertainment News Ever Since Scrubs Got Renewed’ »
The race to be Fred’s running mate
First of all, I didn’t wanna watch. Frank is making me. I’m doing financial stuff, so to be watching political debate on top of personal and business accounting crap is not my idea of a fun evening. But I’m having too much fun with it, to be honest, and I have too much to say. Every time anyone says something stupid (McCain on amnesty, Giuliani on murdering babies), I have something to talk about. Every time they ask a stupid question that makes me ask, “Now why in the world are they asking that question? Why do I need to know that about a man who’s running for president?” I’ve got something to spew. So I figured I might as well share and stop talking over everyone so Frank can just read it at his leisure (or never read it, as is his custom) instead of my talking over everyone so he can’t hear the TV and we have to keep rewinding the DVR.
Now we came in late, because Fred’s not even in this thing, so who cares? Fred’s the next president, and every time he speaks, my heart for him just grows sweeter and sweeter. Why do I care what these guys have to say? I trust Fred’s judgment in picking a running mate. Plus, he’s gonna be on that show where they just yell over each other later anyway, and we’re Tivoing that bad-boy. Of course, who will be stupid enough to yell over Fred? Even H&C aren’t that dumb. Or desperate to die.
So here are my thoughts since we started watching:
McCain: It’s amnesty, English should be our first language, and did you say that Mexicans should speak Spanish in their own communities just like the Native Americans? Yeah, that’s fine. If you wanna round ’em up and put ’em in reservations like the Native Americans. I’m sure they’ll love it just as much as the Indians do. Arriba!
Giuliani: Every time that electronic buzz thing happens? That’s God saying you are NOT going to run HIS country. Sorry, bud. Better luck never.
Evolution questions: Seriously? Our next president needs to believe the same way I believe on creation vs. evolution? Heck, my own husband doesn’t even believe the same way I believe on that subject. And I have sex with that man. I have NO intentions of having sex with Fred. Nor his running mate. Though I’ve gotta say, this loony creationist Christian sure does like that Mike Huckabee a lot better now. Not for sex, just for president. So maybe you should ask more questions like this. You’re right! Who cares about the war? Forget taxes! Forget spending! Forget that pesky terrorism issue. Let’s talk about evolution and whether Paris Hilton should be allowed to keep her hair extensions in jail!
Brownback: Dude, what’s with the squinting? This is something I want to know about a potential vice president. You’re too Renee Zellwegger for me. Off with your head! Not literally, of course.
Romney: I was half expecting, after he said all the things he believed in, that he would say, “I believe in The Book of Mormon.” But he didn’t. And then he DID say, “I’m not gonna distance myself from my religion.”
ManBearPig: I LOVE that God keeps cutting out Giuliani’s mic. I am giggling every time. Is this topic ever going to be over? Hey, that Sam’s Choice tropical trail mix that you buy at Walmart is my very favorite trail mix ever. Haha, Romney just said Putin. His name always makes me laugh. Hey guys, in the ’70s, they said we were all gonna freeze to death, so don’t worry. This global warming is just making up for that Ice Age. We’re just evening things out now. It’s ok. Our livingroom looks so awesome. Oh no. They’re gonna let Ron Paul speak again. He’s a big bag of crazy. Welcome, oh ye Ron Paul googlers! Go back to your crazy land, shake hands with the leprechauns, and go to sleep. He’ll never EVER be president. Your breath is wasted yelling at me. (That’s called a preemptive strike, also called passing the time until the ManBearPig topic is oooooover.) Yay! A new question! No! Paul again!
Gays in the military and don’t ask don’t tell: Why don’t you let the military (below commander in chief) make policy. Like maybe… people closer to the ground. I say fine, if gay people wanna go kill terrorists, woohoo, go kill terrorists, ooh-rah! But I’m not in the military, and I have no idea what kind of complications that causes. Like in the barracks. They have separate men’s barracks and women’s barracks, right? And isn’t the main purpose of that (for practical reasons, let’s be adults) to keep them from having sex all the time, which would be disruptive and cause all kinds of problems? So if they start having open homosexuality all over the military, and you’ve got gay men in barracks with gay men, isn’t that going to be disruptive? Giuliani: time of war or not, boot camp, training, I think it would be disruptive. So I actually kinda think don’t ask don’t tell is pretty good. But again, I’ve never been in the military. There you go, McCain, there’s your soundbite. But what’s your answer? I hate soundbite answers. Anyway, I kinda think that if I were in the military, I’d rather not know if the girls in my unit were lusting after me (I mean, come on, look at me, why wouldn’t they?). Because I would so obsess on that. Because then it’d be like a guy being in your barracks (no, I didn’t just say that lesbians are guys, shut up with your twisting of my words), and you know he’s secretly watching you undress every night, and meanwhile, you’ve got your man waiting for you back stateside, and would he just quit looking at you? So I wouldn’t wanna know.
Tommy Thompson is annoying me more with every answer.
Brownback: I’m a cruel woman for saying this, and I am in no way saying that this guy is a creepy alleged child molester, but he kinda looks like JMK, that guy who said he killed JBR (the dead girl whose dad is dating that other missing probably dead girl’s mom). And actually, I don’t think Clinton (Bill) has been that bad as an ex-pres. Carter, on the other hand, has been most likely the worst president ever and the worst ex-president ever. Yeah, I said it.
Tancredo: Are they keeping him at the kiddie table? That’s the first time they let him talk? He looks mad. Also, I agree. I’d tell Bush to stay away from my house. I’m not a racist, and he’s not my friend anymore.
Huckabee talks like a pastor or preacher (the hand motions are correct).
Duncan Hunter: Would pardon Ramos and Compean. I’m ok with considering him as Thompson’s running mate.
The Scooter Libby thing: I was surprised that more people didn’t come out and say yes right away. Considering the ridiculous sentence, all that “not without looking at the transcript” nonsense. We all know what it was about. Make a decision, yes or no.
At halftime: McCain and Giuliani don’t look any better to me than they already did. Huckabee and Hunter looked fine when I saw them. I like Hunter’s answers for sure. I’ve known all along that I’d like to see him run with Fred so Romney is fine I guess but nothing special.
Well, anyway, we screwed up trying to do something special on the Tivo and lost the townhall portion of the debate. I was enjoying snarking it. Not American Idol fun, mind you. Whatever. Fred.
If I Ran the Campaign
Fred Thompson will be on Hannity & Colmes after the Republican debate that’s going on as I type. My suggestion for what he should say:
“It was a great debate, but there’s one thing I can say that none of those candidates can…”
He turns to face the camera and it zooms for a close up.
“I’m Fred Thompson.”
Freight Train Fred! (Thompson)
As you may have heard, Fred Thompson has already climbed to second place in the latest polling. I’m going to make a political prediction and say that, when Fred Thompson enters race, people will soon realize that, if they don’t vote for him, they could quite possibly die. Within two weeks he’ll be polling 100%. The Republicans will then just give him the nomination without even holding a election since an election implies the possibility that they would give the nomination to someone else — a grave insult to Fred Thompson. Then, to shake off bad publicity from the immigration bill, the Republicans will rename themselves the “Thompson Party.”
Man, I hope I get invited to the Thompson Party Convention so I can cheer along with all the other excited Thompsonicans!
Blowing Up JFK – An American Dream Denied
An Editorial By Harvey
Like most Americans, accused terrorist mastermind Russell Defreitas had a dream.
In fact, his life was a series of dreams. Several of them fulfilled, one of them cruelly denied.
He left Guyana 30 years ago, seeking a dream of a better life in the US, which he realized. Then, he realized his dream of becoming a citizen of his new country. And after getting a job at JFK Airport as a cargo handler, he realized – as most working Americans eventually do – that his dream sucked. So he got a new dream.
Blowing up JFK Airport.
Sure, it’s probably not YOUR dream, and it’s definitely not mine since it contains neither cheerleaders nor Reddi-Wip, but does that really matter? Does our Constitution not say that “all dreams are created equal”? Are they not therefore all equally deserving of respect and admiration?
“I’ll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would’ve given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!”
And what of Russell’s motivation? He said that one reason for doing this was that he “wanted to do something to get those bastards”. Who among us has NOT gone to work at one time or another thinking just that very thing? True, most people limit themselves to passive-aggressive pranks like unplugging someone’s mouse or putting Ex-Lax in the coffee, but – magnitude aside – we can ALL relate, right?
The fact is, Russell was a visionary ahead of his time. The seeds of his ambitious plan to wreak deadly havoc on innocent civilians actually sprouted several years before the 9/11 attacks. One can just imagine his frustration on that September morning, realizing that his goal of grabbing world attention had been overshadowed by 19 people who had done it first and done it better.
But did he give up? Did he just sigh and mope and say “I’ll never be as good as those lucky Saudis”?
HELL no!
He did what any good American would do. He cranked it up a notch! He dared to dream bigger! Bolder! Blow-uppier! He vowed to create a terrorist attack that would make 9/11 look like a damp firecracker!
He envisioned a plan to destroy not just an few planes, but terminal buildings, fuel tanks, and miles of fuel pipeline.
His lofty ambition, however, was not without its share of equally lofty obstacles to overcome.
He needed help bringing his project to fruition. Sadly, thanks to the depradations of George Bush’s Crusade on Islam, the Al Qaeda members he tried to contact were either too busy or too dead to provide him with the assistance he needed. Still, his pluck and determination would not allow his hope to die. So, in the best MacGuyver-like tradition of Yankee ingenuity, he managed to make do with what he could find – some wide-eyed idealists from Trinidad. Yes, Russell had indeed taken lemons and made lemonade.
Things were looking up for this eager beaver. He even won the admiration of the FBI, who described Russell and his crew as “a very determined group”. It’s such determination which built this nation, so why shouldn’t it destroy it, too?
Unfortunately, Russell’s dreams were crushed under the jack-booted heel of President Bush, who had known about the project for months. I can’t believe the thoughtlessness of this man! Why didn’t he say something right away instead of teasing the poor guy and stringing him along like that? Even worse was Bush’s complete lack of support for this plan. I mean, Russell played by the rules in coming to this country and he actually became a citizen. I’ll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would’ve given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!
My theory is that, since the target was JFK airport, Bush couldn’t stand the thought of competing for attention with headlines about a president who makes him feel inferior! Too bad Russell didn’t plan to take out the Hoover Dam!
I think it’s tragic that in Bush’s America, Russell couldn’t get the help or explosives he needed to reach his goal. More good American terrorist jobs go overseas, and our President does nothing!
Most of all, though, it makes me ashamed to live in a country where chasing your dreams is no longer considered a laudable objective. When Joey Chestnut broke the world hot dog eating record, he got a year’s supply of hot dogs and a $250 gift card to the mall. But all Russell Defreitas got for trying to set a record for killing people in a domestic terrorist attack was the short end of the stick.
Shame on you, George Bush, you dirty dreamstealer.
Shame on you.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “”Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Exploded Pipelines: What America Means to Me”” and “Terrorists in Trinidad: A Shopper’s Guide”.