For those still waiting, I haven’t forgotten about Hellbender. I just haven’t had time to sit down and write. I hope to this Christmas season. The story will have a conclusion; I swear!

So what’s up with Blagojevich’s hair? How does someone get hair like that? Shouldn’t there be safeguards against such a thing? If Obama really did meet with Blago, shouldn’t there be some accountability on Obama’s part for not telling Blago how ridiculous he looks?

I’m not much for tech blogging, but I ran into just a really odd error the other day trying to install SQL Server 2005. For the program to finish installation, it has to run at least once, but it always errored on starting. Hearing hooves and thinking horses, I assumed it was a Vista incompatibility. I later tried again on the same computer with XP on it, and it still didn’t start. With enough Googling, I finally found the problem: My computer has three processors and SQL Server 2005 won’t work on a computer when the number of processors isn’t a power of two.

What the hell? How do you even ship software with a bug like that? Did they assume no one would make a computer with three processors or did they not know of the error because they tested on a computer with one processor and then on a computer with two processors and said, “Well, it must work for all processors! Ship it!” This is why the economy is failing; it’s loss of productivity on crap like that. I wasted a lot of time trying to install that program as it’s a pretty hard error to figure out because it’s not like when a program doesn’t run your first thought is, “Hmm, my computer has a number of processors that isn’t a power of two. I wonder if that could be a problem?”

Anyway, the workaround on the support page didn’t help. Service Pack 2 fixes the problem, but you have to install SQL Server 2005 before you can add SP2, but the program has to run once to install, and it won’t run on a computer with three processors without SP2. Fun times.

As long as we rely on Microsoft software, we’re going to be stuck in the dark ages. It insures that any advancements we make will be offset by having to handle even more bugs in the software. A thousand years from now, we won’t be anywhere further technologically thanks to the few hundred more editions of Windows that will have been forced upon on us to shackle us. And there’s nothing we can do about it.

Well, we could switch to another operating system, but Macs are for homosexuals and Linux is for communists, so scratch that.

All this bailout crap has got me thinking: We need some way to vote out Representatives from other districts.

We have people with absolutely no qualifications whatsoever screwing with American businesses and there is no way to stop them because they live in districts where everyone is retarded like San Francisco or areas of Massachusetts. In a just, capitalistic world, Barney Frank would be living on the streets covered in his own excrement, but instead he gets to screw up business after business with no accountability because apparently he lives in a district where the citizens are constantly being outsmarted by squirrels. Then there’s the senile old curmudgeon Murtha who can call is own people stupid racists and they still vote for him because they’re brain dead (and probably stupid racists).

The original idea was that districts could elect whatever idiots they wanted and it would have a small effect on anyone else because of the limitation of the powers of the federal government. Those days are long gone. And if people like Barney Frank can screw things up that can affect me, then I should have some say about it.

Now, maybe it would be wrong to vote out of office the Representative of another district, but can’t we all vote to strip of them of any power they have? We remove these people from their committees and send them to a separate room in the Capitol where they have to sit quietly and can’t do anything other than vote on bills. It will be like the special ed class of the House. Their idiot districts can keep electing these people, but none of us should have to deal with them.

Now, everyone will probably get partisan about this and try to strip all the Representatives on either side of all their powers, but if that happens, is that really a bad thing?

If you’re going to put someone in charge of the American auto industry to save it, I think it should be me. I have actual ideas on how to sell more American cars.

First off, they need to be bigger. Like enormous. The first thing people should say when they see the car is, “Holy crap!” It should be big enough to run over and crush other cars. The front of it should also resemble a skull.

See, here’s the marketing strategy: People who buy these new American cars will run over and crush smaller dinky cars. Those people will be forced to buy new American cars so they don’t get crushed again. That’s basic economics right there.

To make the cars cheaper, no more union labor. They’re stupid and expensive. Instead, robots. But not just any robots. Robots with two arms. One arm will be for working on the car. The other will be for wielding a switchblade in a menacing manner. This makes sure no one messes with the robot. It’s a quality control feature.

Now Congress is going to be like, “Your cars are too big. They’re putting too much carbon in the air. Carbon hurts babies. Blah bla blah bla blah.” So I’m going to send my robots to their houses. The robots take pride in their work and don’t like people denigrating it. They will cut you for that. Soon Congress will stop passing laws against awesome cars because of their natural fear of robots with switchblades.

So that’s my plan for the American auto industry. Oh, also I want to look into whether open carry laws means you can mount a machine gun on your car. That will be an optional feature.

A lot of people are buying guns as they don’t trust Obama and thinks he’s going to pass laws against firearms. Obama certainly doesn’t have a good record when it comes to that.

To make sure he doesn’t try and take your guns, first thing I’d be wary of is answering any questions about whether you own guns in a job application for his administration. That could be a trick so later he can come back and take your guns. Also, if he comes over to your house and asks if he can see your guns, don’t show them to him. The other day he was at my house and was like, “Hey, can I see some of your guns? I bet they are neat!”

And I was like, “Okay.” So I got a couple and brought them to him. He just set them down in front of him and got out a notepad and started writing something. So I was like, “What are you writing?”

And he said, “Stuff.”

So I got closer to try and get a look, but he kept moving the notepad so I couldn’t see. So I snatched it from him. He was writing down my guns’ serial numbers! I was like, “Hey!”

And he said, “Can I see more guns?”

And I said, “No!”

And he said, “Can some of my friends come in here?”

And I was like, “Are they known terrorists?”

And he was like, “Why are you asking so many questions?”

So I said, “You get out of my house right now, Obama!”

Do not trust that guy when it comes to guns. He’s sneaky.

Some of you are saying that if Obama doesn’t produce whatever you consider to be an actual birth certificate, then the Constitution will catch fire and explode. If you want to get technical, though, there isn’t actually any mention of birth certificates in the Constitution.

Microsoft has a lot of problems with Vista. I even just downgraded my work computer to XP because I got sick and tired of it. So here are some Vista slogan suggestions to help them out.

WINDOWS VISTA SLOGANS

* The computer model said it was bug free (though the computer model kept crashing since it was running on Vista).

* If it ain’t broke, add tons of pointless features until it is.

* Get the full potential out of your computer! (in that it will be using all its memory and processing power constantly, even when just displaying a text file)

* If you downgrade to XP, you’re eventually going to miss those translucent titlebars.

* Yeah it sucks, but Macs are for communists and homosexuals, so what are you going to do?

* Trade speed and reliability for some neat photo editing features you’ll probably never use.

* Incompatibility with your old software and hardware is just motivation to try new things!

* You pretty much have to buy it when you purchase a new computer, so we don’t even really need a slogan.

I have a confession: I’m the Senate Candidate 5 referred to in the Blagojevich complaint.

Let me explain. I hear this guy Blagojevich has some great deal on something, and it’s getting near Christmas so I’m keeping an eye out for deals. So I go meet with this “Blago” guy downtown to see what he has. He tells me he has a Senate seat for sale. Now, I wasn’t really that interested in a Senate seat, but still I figured I might as well ask how much he wanted.

He tells me three thousand dollars.

So I’m like, “Three thousand dollars is a lot of money… in this economy.” Again, I didn’t really want a Senate seat.

So he tells me, “This isn’t just any Senate seat. This Senate seat used to be owned by international celebrity Barack Obama.”

Now I was interested. That could be a real conversation piece. Friends would be like, “I hear you’re a Senator.”

And I’d say, “Yeah, but guess who used to have this Senate seat: President Barack Obama.”

Still, I was a bit suspicious. I looked up this guy Blagojevich before I met with him, and according to Wikipedia he is the Governor of Illinois. Even so, the name really sounds made up and anyone can edit Wikipedia. So I tell him I need some certification to prove this Senate seat was actually owned by Obama. He shows me the certification and it looks pretty official, so I decide I should go ahead and buy the Senate seat. I’m guessing he could have gotten a lot more for it on eBay, but he really needed the cash right now for some reason. Whatever; great deal for me.

Or so I think.

I get home and tell my wife what I did, and it’s me buying myself the Nintendo Wii just before Christmas all over again. She’s screaming at me for spending all that money without talking to her first, and I’m telling her, “Hey, it’s a great investment.”

And she says, “A great investment would be a gun to shoot you in the face with!”

And I’m like, “Honey, come on; we already have plenty of guns.”

So, I get her to calm down, and then guess what I see on the news yesterday morning. Ends up its illegal to sell a Senate seat and they arrested Blagojevich. Okay, fine. But then I hear I might be in trouble.

The wife is intolerable right now, by the way. “See, I told you so!”

Anyway, this is crazy. How was I supposed to know it’s illegal to buy a Senate seat? Why in the world does that burden fall on me? I just assumed Blago knew what he was doing. Next time I go to the supermarket, am I supposed to inquire whether it’s legal to buy each item before I place them in my cart? That’s asinine.

In short, I’d like my three thousand dollars back.

My official stance on the Obama birth certificate issue is I don’t care. Thus, I haven’t really followed it closely enough to know if there is anything to it, but it does have the whiff of a conspiracy theory. Even if there is something to it, I think the rule that the president has to be a natural born citizen is stupid. What’s it supposed to protect against? Electing someone foreign who doesn’t have America’s interest’s at heart? If someone like that was about to get elected by the American people and the only thing stopping it was a little rule in the Constitution, we’re pretty much screwed already, as there are plenty of people without America’s best interests at heart who are natural born. Frankly, I’m for letting the American people elect whomever they feel like electing.

Furthermore, Obama was elected pretty resoundingly so, it doesn’t help conservatives to try to overturn that on some technicality. We actually have to win on the arguments one of these days.