Michelle Obama has once again reiterated that fat kids are a national security threat. She said, “Fat kids are a threat to our national security. And they’re disgusting and fat! I hate them!”

Michelle Obama upon seeing a fat kid.

It really is time we started to taking the threat of fat kids seriously. Think if there was a terrorist attack and people couldn’t exit a building due to slow moving fat kids in the way. And it’s getting harder and harder to spot suspicious activity when no matter where you look your view is blocked up by fat kids. And how can emergency vehicles respond when they have to constantly dodge all the fat kids slowly waddling across streets?

Thus, the FBI has a new area on their website where you can report fat kids whenever you see them. You can also report kids eating lots of sweets who you suspect of getting fat. Remember what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent fat kids… though that’s not really my area of expertise.”

While Jim Treacher is recovering from surgery from when Obama had him hit with a car, I’m doing some guest posting at the DC Trawler. My post there today involves math. Enjoy.

I just want to get ahead of the curve and declare the new Republican majority a failure. They were supposed to bring change to Washington, such as smashing through the walls of Congress in a tank and then leaping out and start beating up all the Democrats to avenge the Constitution. All of Obama’s bills were supposed to be repealed. An army of griffins were supposed to kill all the unicorns. But instead Republicans are all like, “We don’t actually take office until January.” It’s business as usual. It’s disappointing. It’s pathetic.

And what’s with the tax deal? It should have been even more tax cuts for the rich and taxes raised on the poor to motivate them not to be poor to really help get this economy going. The left were only screaming about the tax deal; a really good tax deal would cause the left to have heart attacks and die. And why does Obama still sometimes appear on TV while talking. I thought they were going to put a stop to that.

I think it’s time to start talking a third party. Mine will be the Awesome Party. Our position will be pro-things that are awesome and against things that aren’t awesome. There will be no compromise. If someone starts wanting things that are against an awesome agenda, they will be thrown out of the party. Literally. A big guy will pick them up and throw. Or possibly a trained gorilla, because that would be pretty awesome.

So Justice Stephen Breyer was on Larry King trying to have a being old contest, and Breyer said he’s against gun rights because according to his Founding Father fan fiction they didn’t really mean it when they wrote the 2nd Amendment.

Why become a Supreme Court Justice if you hate the Constitution? Obviously Breyer sees the Constitution as just an obstacle to whatever he wants, so he has to keep coming up with increasingly asinine and convoluted reasons to ignore what it plainly says. Anyway, as a historian, I will tell you of what the Founding Father’s think of Breyers opinion: musket to the junk!

One of the failings in writing the Constitution was not realizing how completely idiotic some Justices would be in ignoring everything written in it. If the Founding Fathers had realized this, they probably would have written a “musket to the junk” provision to handle Justices like Breyer who are extremely blatant in disregarding the Constitution. Of course, you’d have some liberal judge today saying you could use a rifle instead of a musket, but that’s not what it says. READ WHAT IT SAYS AND GO BY THAT!

So the mandate forcing people to buy insurance in Obamacare got struck down as unconstitutional. That’s wacky. I mean, obviously what’s in Obamacare is so far and away from the scope of the federal government as the Founders intended that the mere suggestion of Obamacare would cause the Founding Father to grab their muskets, but I thought we stopped caring about that. Yet, a judge actually ruled based on the Constitution and not some goateed impostor Constitution form an alternate dimension. And the judge didn’t just wave his hand in the air and say, “Commerce Clause!”

Well, that’s a dill of pickle for liberals. They at least comforted themselves during their huge losses in November that they got Obamacare passed and — as is the nature of entitlements — it would be there forever (or until the entitlements society collapses in riots like is happening in Europe). Now it looks as though they might have went on their suicide mission all for naught.

As 20th century philosopher Nelson Muntz would say, “Haw haw.”

So there’s this No Labels group that met together to try and stop all the fussin’ and the fightin’ and get everyone to get along in politics. So they’re like a centrist group, but there is a couple problems. For one, any group that calls themselves centrist is inevitably far left compared to the American public at large — at looking at who is a member it’s mainly Democrats and a handful of Republicans we just threw out for being useless. Second, most people who identify as moderate or centrist do so because they don’t follow politics much, so the only enthusiastic centrists are politicians trying to get themselves (hey, look, Charlie Crist is a member!).

Still, I thought I’d help out and try and come up with a killer slogan for them. Here are my ideas so far:

SLOGANS FOR NO LABELS

* We’re like centrists and stuff you stupid extremists.

* Against labels since people only ever used mean ones on us.

* The only thing we feel strongly about is how reasonable we think we are.

* Everybody is mean to us. Will you be our friend?

* It’s time we stop arguing and unite together and blah blah blah.

* We can all agree that being elected to office is fun!

* Stop calling us left-wing! That’s a label! And we’re not!

* We won’t have slogans; they’re too much like labels!

* [bland generic pap goes here]

* Know who puts labels on things? The Nazis. And Walmart.

* Stop laughing at us!

* Principles. Convictions — they get in the way of reasonable-soundingness.

Some things transcend politics and change the way we see the world. I’m speaking of course of the Navy’s new railgun.

What is the railgun? No, it’s not a gun that shoots trains at the enemy (though that sounds kind of cool; maybe the Navy should work on that too). It’s a gun that uses magnets to kill. Like think of one of the magnets on your refrigerator. Now imagine one of those magnets chucked at your head. Now imagine that time 33 million. That’s a railgun.

Instead of explosives, railguns use Science! to fire bullets so fast the air catches fire. And they can fire up to a hundred miles away. And it literally can shoot through schools. It’s so awesome, sometimes we just have to point it at things and they explode in anticipation of the railgun firing. It’s a disruptive technology that will change ammo storage concerns, the way we do naval warfare, long range combat, the gay marriage debate, childhood obesity, the alternative minimum tax… everything. In fact, if a problem can’t be solved by the railgun, it probably can’t be solved. And any unsolvable problems we’ll just blow up with our railgun.

Like think if we have a war with China. We won’t have to fly all the way across the world to fight them. Instead, we’ll just point our railgun straight down at the ground at SHOOT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE EARTH INTO CHINA! You mess with America, China, and you mess with the railgun, and you can’t deal with that.

Eventually, the railgun will be so powerful, IT WILL SHOOT THROUGH TIME. Right now, seventy years ago, Nazi Germany is working on a time capsule to warn Nazis today to take out the railgun because they know WE’LL USE IT TO KILL HITLER! But you can’t stop the march of technology. One day everyone will have a railgun. And a jetpack. And we’ll all live in peace. Awesome peace.

So Bernie Sanders did an 8.5 hour filibuster against the tax deal the other day and liberals are hailing him as some sort of hero. Problem here is that Bernie Sanders is a self-identified socialist, and the American people hate socialists. They especially hate them when they talk. And especially if they’re talking for a long time. And especially if they’re talking about raising taxes.

The left's new hero (because he's white).

Anyway, this seems to be yet another episode in the left’s quest to become as weird and unappealing as possible. You might have thought they’d learn something from the last election, but they’re still screeching and throwing fits about things no one else cares about like the rich not getting their taxes raised (Oh no! We won’t get our “the rich had their taxes raised” prize!). And while everyone else is still worried about jobs, they’re cheering on a weird old socialist who doesn’t even have the most basic grasp of economics.

Strange that Obama is now the more moderate one in this situation. I think he’s learned he has a lot more to fear from the right than left’s impotent threats to primary him.