Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!
Archive of entries posted on December 2010
Israeli-Trained Sharks
Are Israelis training sharks to attacking Muslims in the Middle East? It’s hard to imagine they aren’t.
Egyptian officials floated the possibility that Israel put deadly sharks in the sea to harm Egyptian tourism. And it makes sense. If I were Israel, the one thing I’d be worried about is Egyptian tourism. And the one way I’d take care of it is trained sharks. We all remember the scene in Jaws where Chief Brody finally got the mayor to face the reality that their summer resort town had been targeted by the Jews.
This all points out another similarity between the primitive, thuggish regimes in the Middle East and the American left: They’re both part of a reality-based community.
Other Phrases FOX News Avoids
So some people are trying to point out that FOX News is biased because they had a memo saying not to use the phrase “public option” and instead say “government option”. This is just another why FOX News is useful because the phrase “public option” is pure liberal messaging — liberal messaging being trying to obscure whatever it is they’re talking about — while “government option” makes sure people know quite accurately that they’re talking about a government run health care plan. So the real story is FOX News was the only one not buying into left-wing, government propaganda and making sure that people accurately know what is going on… again.
And if you watch carefully, there are some other phrases FOX News avoids and instead uses more accurate terms:
OTHER PHRASE REPLACEMENTS FOR FOX NEWS
Instead of “undocumented immigrants” they say “Mexican invaders”.
Instead of “gun control” they say “laws based on hatred of freedom”.
Instead of “pro-choice” they say “lovers of dead babies”.
Instead of “progressives” they say “feces-covered neo-hippies”.
Instead of “international community” they say “foreign weirdos”.
Instead of “Palestine” they say “terrorists contiguous to Israel”.
Instead of “liberal online activists” they say “weird smelling, America-hating basement dwellers”.
Instead of “President Obama” they say “Kenyan born socialist known as Hussein”.
Can Obama Save Frank J.’s Income?
So now Obama can’t even keep his party together with him and they’re revolting on the tax issue. I guess most Democrats just find the idea of some rich person not having more of his money confiscated so abhorrent that they’d rather sink the whole economy than see it happen. Thus I’m actually forced to pin my hopes on Obama to see this tax deal through so I’m not personally out thousands of dollars.
Pay attention to politics right now. You’ll be asked about it when historians are trying to determine when Obama went from FAIL to Epic FAIL.
Random Thoughts
Democrats are going to take a dollar away from you because the thought of someone else getting ten was too unbearable.
At least Obama has now united both sides in agreeing he’s a huge failure.
The GOP should propose their own DREAM Act, like making it illegal to set illegal aliens on fire or something.
The best way to end illegal immigration would be to make Mexico a functional country, but that would be meddling.
It was interesting watching the episode where Palin stocked up on caribou meat, but I thought the citizens of Alaska mainly liked pork.
The DREAM Act
So Democrats are trying to push through this DREAM Act which people are calling amnesty. Now, part of it I get. There’s a provision that the children of illegal aliens can get a path to citizenship by serving two years in the military. I could be argued to support that; they are here illegally through no fault of their own but still need to go above and beyond to get citizenship to be fair to those waiting outside the country trying to get in here legally.
But where they lose me is that people can also get a path to citizenship through going to college for two years. In what bizarro world is going to college equivalent to serving in the military? I know liberals like to think that because they’re sissies, but going to college here is a benefit of being a citizen, not a service to us. And we know we’re all going to end up paying part of that tuition somehow. Maybe instead, an illegal alien could pay for someone else’s college tuition if he really wants to serve.
Also, the idea is we want people staying here to be good citizens, and isn’t college the last place to start that? Liberals have made most college campuses nice little enclaves protected from reality so that the most dimwitted, anti-American left-wing ideas are allowed to survive. A number of the terrorists went to college here; it doesn’t really help on patriotism. You need to be a good citizen before you go to college to be able to resist the lunacy thrown at you.
Anyway, that reminds me of my compromise proposal: For every illegal immigrant we keep, we deport one white liberal. I think conservatives would eagerly sign on to that one.
In My World: Sarah Palin’s Alaska
Transcript from Sarah Palin’s Alaska.
SARAH PALIN: “Hello! Welcome to Sarah Palin’s Alaska, the show where you get to see the beauty of Alaska while we brutalize all the wildlife in it.”
PIPER PALIN: “I found a bunny rabbit in our backyard. I punched it in the face.”
SARAH: “Isn’t she precious? I try to instill in my children the values I was taught such as not letting nature push you around.”
WILLOW PALIN: “Die fish! Die!”
SARAH: “Willow is demonstrating a common technique of repeatedly whacking a fish against a rock and then throwing its corpse back in the lake. This tells fish to stay out of our way. Of course, you don’t always do that by killing things. The other day I took my Glock and knee-capped a moose. When other moose see him lying there bleeding, they’ll know not to mess with the Palins. If only the lame-stream media were that smart.”
TODD PALIN: “The new piano is here.”
SARAH: “Oh. Good. We really needed a new piano because already cut all the wire out of the last one to make garrotes. Last one I used to strangle a grizzly bear; I’m the only mama grizzly in these parts. Anyway, let me show you the guest we have downstairs in the basement.”
AARON SORKIN: “You’re a crazy redneck! I hope you die!”
SARAH: “We don’t like this person, so we kidnapped, put him in our basement, and are now waterboarding him.”
SORKIN: “You crazy… gurgle…”
SARAH: “You may wonder if that’s legal, but remember we’re really far away. Like if this were a live show — which it isn’t — and you wanted to run to his rescue, it would take you hours by plane just to get here. Plus, we’re a very large state and you’ll never find me. So essentially I’m above the law.”
SORKIN: “I’ll tell you anything!”
SARAH: “I think I — and the American people — have made it pretty clear we don’t care to hear anything you liberals have to say.”
SORKIN: “Somebody help me!”
PIPER: “That man is funny. I’ll get more water.”
SARAH: “Well, tune in next week when we drive around in a jeep trying to knock the heads off a caribou with a baseball bat. That’s the way we do things in Alaska, and if any of you have a problem with, remember that no one in my family would bat an eye at killing you.”
Random Thoughts
This Pigford stuff sounds suspicious. Also suspicious: Pighyundai.
If they raise taxes on the rich we all get t-shirts that say, “They raised taxes on the rich and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
I’ve hated the rich and wanted them all to suffer ever since Scrooge McDuck refused to let me swim in his money pile.
Buttercup is still pretty bald. Do they sell baby-sized wigs?
Mythbusting Obama
The president was on Mythbusters last night. Did you see it? I did. Not because Obama was on the show, but in spite of it. Not a fan of Obama. Am a fan of Mythbusters.
Anyway, he asked Adam and Jamie to retest a myth:
Adam and Jamie tested the myth … for the third time … and, once again, busted it. But, you know, that myth was perfect for Obama:
- It’s from Europe.
- It had been tried before, more than once, and shown to fail.
- It was paired with Hellboy.
- It involved smoke and mirrors.
I wonder if there are any other myths that would make sense for Obama to want Adam and Jamie to test?
China to Blow Up Moon?
One of the most reliable news sources has now confirmed: China is plotting to blow up the moon. We need to stop them.
There has been some confusing with my Nuke the Moon™ strategy thinking I want to obliterate the moon, but this is incorrect and stupid. I want to do nothing so extreme; I just want to nuke it. And then the moon will remain in the sky and everyone will look up to it and say, “There’s that thing America nuked! They may do the same to us! I am scared!” If China destroys the moon, that won’t happen.
They must be stopped.
Unfortunately, our current president is the wussiest guy in all of Kenya and won’t stand up to them. We need someone with conviction to threaten to blow up something China likes, like Belgium. I think I heard China likes Belgium. If they blow up the moon, we blow up Belgium. That will make them think twice.
In My World: Hostage Takers
President Obama answered the phone. “Hello?”
“This is the Republicans,” answered a distorted a voice. “We have someone you might want to talk to.”
On the line was a new voice. “I’m a middle class tax payer! The Republicans have taken me hostage!” she said unconvincingly. “They say they’ll raise my taxes too if taxes are raised on the rich and won’t extend my unemployment! I am very scared! Please do help me and do whatever the Republicans want!”
The Republican came back on the line. “So, to show you we’re serious–”
“I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!” Obama screamed.
There was a long pause on the phone. “Really?”
“Yes; whatever. Just write it down, and I’ll do it.”
“Oh… okay. Cool.”
Obama hung up the phone and announced, “We’re doing whatever the Republicans want.”
“Why?” one of his aides asked.
“Because they have the middle class hostage… or something.”
“No they don’t,” the aide said. “We still have the majority and they don’t have any leverage. Their hostage was probably just Michelle Bachman acting. We can defeat them if–”
“Whatever you’re proposing sounds hard,” Obama interrupted, “and my tee time is coming up soon.”
“Fine. But you’re going to really anger the left-wing,” the aide said.
“We’re really angry!” screeched a high pitch voice.
Obama looked down to see the left-wing down at this feet, shaking their tiny fists up at him.
“We’re going to challenge you in the primary!” the left-wing shrieked.
“Sure you are.” Obama grabbed a wastebasket and overturned it over the left-wing, trapping them inside. “There, I took care of them.”
The left-wing banged their tiny fists on the wastebasket. “Lets us out!”
“I’ll do it later,” Obama told them, “and then you’ll be so grateful to me.” He turned to his aide. “So just write me up some speech saying the Republicans are hostage takers and I had to give in to their demands — but mention that terrorists shouldn’t learn anything from that. And then add that thing we’re always mindlessly repeating about how tax cuts creating jobs.”
“Republicans are the ones that say that.”
“Whatever. Just use it. And add that though we didn’t defeat the rich today, we’ll do it one day and make sure no one has money. Off to play golf!” He then left the room.
“We hate him now!” the left screeched.
The aide kicked the wastebasket. “Shut up! No one cares!”
Random Thoughts
Is Pelosi complaining about adding tens of billions to the deficit because that’s too little?
Really need a president who will say, “Stop crying about the rich not getting their taxes raised or I will give you something to cry about!”
I’m still not getting all these people so desperate to cut off their nose to spite their face. It’s like a mental disease.
Repeat after me: Someone else’s income doesn’t affect me, and isn’t worth worrying about.
Say some prayers for Elizabeth Edwards’s family, including John Edwards who is most in need of them.
Liberals are going to primary Obama like they were going to move to Canada when Bush was elected.
Things have been going pretty well for conservatives, but it ends tonight: New Special Comment from Keith Olbermann.
Having an infant helps you appreciate the complexity of a dog’s ability to communicate.
Of course, the child will eventually be able to understand complex statements like, “If you keep barking, you’re going back to the pound!”
DHS and the Walmart
Drudge is reporting that DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano wants you to report on other people.
If George W. Bush had said this, the left would be all up in arms. But, since one of Obama’s incompetents made the suggestion, it’s okay with the left. But we on the right are getting our panties in a wad about it.
Should we?
Heck, I don’t know. Because Big Sis launched the campaign at … Walmart.
The “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign—originally implemented by New York City’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority and funded, in part, by $13 million from DHS’ Transit Security Grant Program—is a simple and effective program to engage the public and key frontline employees to identify and report indicators of terrorism, crime and other threats to the proper transportation and law enforcement authorities.
More than 230 Walmart stores nationwide launched the “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign today, with a total of 588 Walmart stores in 27 states joining in the coming weeks. A short video message, available here, will play at select checkout locations to remind shoppers to contact local law enforcement to report suspicious activity.
You see the problem I have with this, right?
Not that Big Sis wants us to report each other. It’s that they’re asking for suspicious activity at Walmart.
I wonder has she ever been to a Walmart? I was at one the other day, and saw Elvis:
Someone else saw him, too, but in California. On the same day, no less.
But, then, it is a Walmart. Where you can find people like this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
Okay, that’s enough. It’s more than enough. You can see more, if you like.
Anyway, what I’m wondering is, are we supposed to report suspicious people we see at Walmart? And, what’s the criteria for “suspicious” at Walmart? Looking normal?
If I was looking for suspicious people to report, I wouldn’t need to go to a Walmart to find some. There’s this person. And this one.
lolterizt! Part 120
This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com
Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
[By the way, someone recently asked me why I add reference links even when the joke is pretty obvious. My answer is that it’s obvious NOW, but some of these jokes are kinda topical, and a year from now, you’ll have completely forgotten the headlines they’re making fun of.
As the 6-fingered man once said, “Remember, this is for posterity”.]
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
[Terribly obscure Babylon 5 reference link]
From stnick:
[reference link]
My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Jacob:
[reference link (second picture)]
From Josh:
[reference link]
From Larsinkima:
From me (Harvey):
[reference link]
This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
How to Handle Assange
So how would a real president, Ronald Reagan, handle a problem like Wikileaks? First, he’d be quick to apprehend Julian Assange. Then he’d take Assange up to the top of the Empire State Building and show him the beautiful city before them and say, “This is the country you’re mindlessly harming with what you’re doing.” Then he’d set Assange on fire and throw him off the building in full view of cameras as a warning to others. And then he’d just start bombing whoever else was involved. They want to be free with information, and Reagan would want to be free with cruise missiles. And eventually enough stuff would be blown up to solve the problem.
Just saying how Reagan would handle things. Not trying to criticize Obama and the nothing he is doing.