OMG POTUS TXTS

CBS New York reports that a new cell phone emergency service is set to launch “by the end of the year” in New York and Washington … and in other cities by the end of 2012:

It’s called the Personal Localized Alert Network or PLAN. Presidential and local emergency messages as well as Amber Alerts would appear on cell phones equipped with special chips and software.

The Federal Communications Commission and the Federal Emergency Management Agency said the system would also warn about terrorist attacks and natural disasters.

So, how would this work? I’m thinking not too well. Remember when Steve Jobs took down a network when he tried to introduce the iPhone 4? And the overall sluggishness of AT&T since the introduction of the iPhone?

But that’s in the corporate world. I’m sure with the government involved, this will go off without a hitch. I do wonder, though, will you be able to read government texts while driving? Maybe those will be exempted from all those texting laws.

And, we obviously need such a thing. How else will we know what’s going on in our own cities? Just because today, we can get live messages from Abbottabad that helicopters are attacking a big house doesn’t mean that we can know about stuff going on locally.

It’s not like every news outlet in the world has Twitter accounts. Except that every news outlet in the world has a Twitter account.

NYC’s Nanny-In-Chief, Michael Bloomberg, said, “The lessons that were reinforced on 9/11 is the importance of getting clear and accurate information to the public during a crisis.”

So he’s responding to 9/11. And we know how well governments respond to 9/11. Tried to fly anywhere lately? Had to wait while some 3-year-old is fondled by the TSA? Government reaction at its finest.

But I can see the use of this for natural disasters. Those texts would really be helpful:

  • That really bad wind and rain you’re getting? Yes, it is a hurricane. You might want to leave now.
  • That water that’s inside your house? It’s a flood. But don’t worry. Our buses are still parked. They’re safe. You should go be safe too.
  • Those tornado alerts you saw on TV and heard on the radio? Yes they’re real.

AT&T and Verizon are on board with this plan, by the way. But you can opt out. For all but the messages from the president. You don’t see enough of him on TV or on the radio or in the newspaper or on the Internet. You will be able to get him on your cell phone. And nationally, by the end of 2012. In time for the election.

I can imagine that the president will have only important things to say.

  • OMG I SHOT 92 BEST SCORE EVER!!1!!
  • CIA FOUND OBL BRB
  • OBL DED 1MIL DKP 4 ME!!1!
  • TX PLZ STP TXTNG ME NO $ 4 U
  • EAK WAH
  • BRB OMW TO TX TO RAISE $ FOR 2012

Yeah, I can hardly wait.

19 Comments

  1. So, we are going to rely on the whitehouse for “clear and accurate information” … Using that logic, maybe they should take over tv and radio programming too… and blogs…. that way we are only fed the “official” version of the truth…

  2. Disasters. Those are the ones with really bad weather that knock down cell towers right? On 911 Verizon found out that putting your antenna farm on top of the WTC was not good for service levels in lower Manhattan.

    Still, it is a way for the rest of us to keep up-to-date on events without reading Drudge or turning on Fox News. Obama must think that is a good idea.

  3. accurate info? Kinda like the offical storyline on the UBL (or is it OBL) takedown. Now there was a story that was crystal clear. What are you guys worried about?
    There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image; make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to the outer limits

  4. Nov 1st EMERGENCY – Vote 4 Obama
    Nov 2nd EMERGENCY – Vote 4 Obama
    Nov 3rd EMERGENCY – Vote 4 Obama 2 x’s 🙂
    Nov 4th EMERGENCY – Find Hobo, Take to polls and Vote for Obama! Yea :)!!!

  5. I don’t bother with teh twitters, and you prolly know why, so this might work for me. Besides, it’d allow me to reply. But what to reply?

    – Ready for said calamity, but why the big goofy ears?
    – How can I believe you? Send pictures.
    – Did Michelle approve of this message?
    – How do you text with bucket on head?
    – I’m reporting you to the do not call registry.
    – Will react in 2 mos. when you do.

  6. How Obama is it that one day we hear the senate wants hearings about why Apple is tracking people(tracking people is bad!) and the very next day we hear that the government is going to force us to have tracking chips in our phones?

    I’m really really sure the cell phone companies can very easily send messages to everyone in a certain area……and this isn’t good enough because…..?

    So all the liberals who have been screaming about the Patriot Act for the last 10 years are already organizing huge new protests….right?

    New business idea #1745: service to remove government tracking chip from cellphones ….. cars….and God knows what else.

    You’re not paranoid, people the government really are is out to get you creating a new high tech Soviet Union.

  7. As all systems like this, it will devolve to “THE BLUE CAR PARKED IN ROW 3 HAS THEIR LIGHTS ON” or “DONT FORGET TO CLEA OUT THE FRIDGE IN THE BREAK ROOM EVERY FRIDAY.”

  8. So as one of the American slaves that has to work all day and doesn’t have time for teh gheyity of teh twitter,
    what does the DKP in OBL DED 1MIL DKP 4 ME!!1! mean? I am sure it is not ghey like teh twitter.

  9. So… there’s an emergency, and I’m on my cel-phone calling for help, and my call gets interrupted by some guvmint hoser taking control of the network to tell me there’s an emergency?
    Oh thanks! That makes me feel so much better.
    I guess I’ll just die here in the rubble then, if that’s OK with you…

  10. Pingback: Steynian 447st « Free Canuckistan!

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