Archive of entries posted on February 2013

Fun Facts About the 50 States: Rhode Island

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’ll be wondering how they squeeze a million square miles of tacky tourist shops into a thousand square miles of state as we visit Rhode Island. So let’s get started…

Rhode Island state flag
The state flag of Rhode Island is two-sided. One side features a white background with thirteen gold stars – representing the original colonies – encircling a gold anchor. The other side is pure white and was inspired by the French battle flag.
  • Rhode Island became the 13th state on May 29, 1790. It was originally founded by refugees from Connecticut and Massachusetts who thought that having double consonants in a state’s name looked snooty and pretentious.
  • The state motto of Rhode Island is “Size Doesn’t Matter.”
  • Rhode Island license plates have black letters on a light blue background and the slogan “Clamtastic!”
  • Rhode Island is the smallest state in the US, measuring a mere 48 by 37 miles. Think of it as the old maid in America’s popcorn bucket.
  • Rhode Island never ratified the 18th amendment (Prohibition). They were going to, but they ran out of gas. They had a flat tire. They didn’t have enough money for cab fare. Their tuxes didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole their cars. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn’t their fault! I swear to God!
  • Jeremiah Johnson of Newport, Rhode Island, was the first person to receive a jail sentence for speeding in an automobile. His sentence was later reduced to picking up after all the horses that his reckless driving had scared the crap out of.
  • Polo was first played in the US in Newport, Rhode Island. For those not familiar with the game, it’s sorta like hockey, except with more horses and – if you can imagine this – even fewer black people.
  • The Flying Horse Carousel in Watch Hill, Rhode Island, is the oldest in the US. Since it was built in 1876, it has been ridden more times than Madonna.
  • NOTE: The previous statement should be reviewed for accuracy on a day-by-day basis.
  • The first circus in the US started in 1774 in Newport, Rhode Island. The ceaseless bickering between the Fat Lady and the Dog Faced Boy is frequently cited by historians as the inspiration for America’s two-party political system.
  • Newport, Rhode Island is home to the Tennis Hall of Fame, which honors such widely-known tennis stars as… um… you know… that one guy… what’s-his-face. And I think there’s a couple chicks in there, too.
  • Whatever. Does anybody ACTUALLY follow tennis?
  • Songwriter George M. Cohan was born in Providence, Rhode Island. His big hit “I’m A Yankee Doodle Dandy,” was translated for the British stage as “I’m An American Loony Poofter.”
  • In 1953, St. Mary’s church in Newport, Rhode Island was the site of the marriage between John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier. It was a fairy-tale wedding, right up until the point where an especially drunken Ted Kennedy mistook the confessional for a men’s room stall.
  • Rhode Island is famous for making silverware and fine jewelry. I personally have no idea what these are, since I’m more of a plastic spork and rubber bracelet kinda guy.
  • The roof of Providence, Rhode Island’s New England Pest Control building is home to the world’s largest bug – a 58-foot-long blue termite. The second largest bug is any given Florida cockroach.
  • Yeah, I know they’re technically “Palmetto Bugs,” but that’s not much consolation when one pours out of your box of Wheaties in the morning.
  • At the Point Judith corrosion test site, various materials sit exposed for years to determine the effects of sun and salt air. Tests show that the thing that falls apart most rapidly under adverse circumstances is a Republican Congress.
  • Rhode Island was the first state to strike a blow against England during the Revolutionary War. The English ship “Gaspee” was sunk in Narragansett Bay in 1772 after being hit by a cow that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.
  • Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island, wrote the original draft of the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech, the press, religion, and public assembly. Sadly omitted in the final draft was the guarantee of hot-chicks-only nude beaches.
  • Samuel Slater of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, invented the water-powered cotton mill in 1790. Southern plantation owners opposed the machine, fearing that it’s high efficiency and productivity could spark a wave of low self-esteem amongst the slaves.
  • The first British troops sent to crush the Revolution landed in Newport, Rhode Island in 1773. They were themselves crushed by a giant wooden rabbit that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.
  • Atop the State House in Providence, Rhode Island, stands the statue of “The Independent Man.” Standing above him and wielding a rolling pin is the statue of “The Nagging Wife.”
  • The first girl born to American colonist parents is buried in Little Compton, Rhode Island. The first boy is also buried there, under a marker engraved with his last words, “Look! Friendly Indians!”
  • The White Horse Tavern in Newport, Rhode Island is the oldest operating tavern in the US. When it first opened in 1673, the labeling of the men’s and women’s restrooms as “Stallions” and “Mares” was still considered original and clever.
  • Portsmouth, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest schoolhouse in the US. Built in 1716, some of George Washington’s original spitballs can still be seen stuck to the ceiling.
  • The Rhode Island Red Monument in Adamsville, Rhode Island, honors the famous poultry breed, and is the largest chicken-related monument in the world except for the Eiffel Tower.
  • Built in 1763, Newport, Rhode Island’s Touro Synagogue is the oldest synagogue in the US and contains the oldest Torah in North America. And no, it’s NOT because they’re too cheap to buy a new one. Don’t be anti-Semitic.
  • Pelham Street in Newport, Rhode Island was the first street in America to use gas-illuminated streetlights in place of the burning witches common to New England in that era.
  • Rhode Island has a population of just over one million people, all of whom know that a “coffee-cup salute” is a shout-out to local businesses by Channel 10’s Frank Coletta, and NOT a euphemism for an unspeakably degrading sexual act.
  • Don’t try asking anyone from Massachusetts about it, though.

That wraps up the Rhode Island edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be frustratedly breaking golf clubs in Myrtle Beach as we visit South Carolina.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go visit the confessional before Ted Kennedy … EWWWWWWWW! … too late…

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

Progressives: Underneath the Mask

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[High Praise! to Gunslinger’s Journal and Political Outcast]

“progressives” are a caricature of themselves, fully given over to pseudo-utopian, relativist ideals that remain ludicrous – hopelessly unattainable – by any objective standard.

Still, our patchouli-wearing, pervert-pride-prancing, “pay-for-my-abortion”-shrieking friends are anything if not determined. They’ll let neither reality nor the U.S. Constitution stop them. Nothing, it seems – especially not those mealy-mouthed puddin’ pops running the GOP – can keep this ship of fools from sinking a once great nation.

Problem is, they’re taking us all down with them. How do you stop skyrocketing debt and deficits that even liberal economists admit, if left unchecked, spell America’s doom? You don’t. You print trillions more and spend it like game tokens at Chuck E. Cheese. The party must go on or the kiddos get cranky. Sugar Daddy Barack’s got hungry mouths to feed.

This Is How I Want to Remember George Washington

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Perusing the Crazy Horse Memorial Wikipedia page (just curious to see if it’s finished yet – a big, fat “nope” on that one), and in the “Controversies” section was this:

Having the finished sculpture depict Crazy Horse pointing with his index finger has also been criticized. Native American cultures prohibit using the index finger to point at people or objects, as the people find it rude and taboo. Some spokesmen compare the effect to a sculpture of George Washington with an upraised middle finger.

First, that would be the awesomest sculpture EVER!

Second, one could plausibly argue that the Washington Monument does just exactly that. 555 feet of “up yours, Britain!”

Wisdom of the Day: Lincoln Fraiser Experts Catfish Babies Hagel Economy Chicago Cookies

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Scientists Declare Earth Uninhabitable

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Scientists have redefined the “Goldilocks Zone” — the distance from a star where a planet would be “just right” and could conceivably have life on it. The problem is, with the new definition, Earth is no longer in the Goldilocks Zone. So I guess our planet is basically uninhabitable. I hope we have plans then to find and takeover one of the planets that actually are habitable. I mean, I have plans — with lots of cool drawings of us using lasers to shoot aliens.

I really should be Secretary of Defense.

The Best Lie the Government Ever Told?

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In the comments to my post on the moon landing not being fake, John [High Praise!] said:

The fatal flaw of all conspiracy theories, whether we’re talking about the moon landing or JFK assassination, to the various “truther” movements going on right now, are their assumption that the government is competent enough to pull off a massive, secretive operation in broad daylight in front of hundreds, thousands, or (in the case of television) millions of eye witnesses. Our government just isn’t that proficient.

Serious question: what WAS the biggest coverup a government ever successfully pulled off that we definitely know of?

I’m thinking The Manhattan Project, but even that was only kept quiet for a couple years.

What Suggestions Came Out of Obama’s Jobs Council

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Obama is shutting down his jobs council. Mission accomplished, baby. He started his term with a an awesome 7.8% unemployment rate, and after a lot of hard work, trillions in stimulus, and convincing lots of people to give up ever looking for employment, he’s gotten the rate back to 7.8% (well, 7.9% now, but really close). So what’s left for him to do? Go play some golf, I guess. Or skeet shoot; Obama loves him some skeet shooting with the bang bang sticks.

I wonder what were some of the suggestions that came out of that jobs council?

SUGGESTIONS FROM OBAMA’S JOBS COUNCIL

* “Higher taxes are sure to motivate businesses.”

* “Try being more patronizing to business owners; remember you’ve written multiple memoirs so you know way more about everything.”

* “Number one complaint of businesses: Health care and gasoline is too cheap.”

* “We need someone to fetch us coffee. That would be a job.”

* “Jobs are boring and stupid! Can’t everyone not work and just live on foodstamps?”

* “Businesses are just so concerned about ‘profit.’ I don’t even know why we want to help such awful things.

* “I thought the name of the council meant we’d be working for Steve Jobs. What?! He’s dead!”

The Hagel Hearing Was AWESOME!

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Man, I am sorry I missed seeing any of the Hagel hearings yesterday. They sounded pretty awesome. As someone who has always hated Hagel, it’s so great that Obama nominated him so we’d have this chance to expose him as an ignorant, anti-Semitic dimwit to a national audience. Here I thought Hagel had retired peacefully, but now Obama has pulled him into the spotlight to finally get the derision he’s always deserved. Thank you, Obama.

I mean, why in the world did he nominate this moron? Does he think the Secretary of Defense is an entry-level position? Then again, I guess the presidency basically was for Obama. Well, if Hagel doesn’t work out, I’ll offer myself for Secretary of Defense since I’m at least as qualified and many more times coherent. But to take the job, I get to be called “Secretary of War” instead and get to declare war on one natural satellite no questions asked.

Wait, how much does Secretary of Defense pay? We’re talking at least $25 an hour, right?

Random Thoughts: Hagel, Immigration Compromise, and Chirps

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Immigration compromise conservatives would easily sign on to: For every illegal immigrant who stays, one white liberal is deported.

It’s not like we need a serious person for Secretary of Defense; when was the last time we were actually at war?

I have no interest in the Wii U right now, but I’ll probably get it years from now when the new HD Zelda comes out.

One of the Senators should shout at Hagel, “There’s a Jew RIGHT BEHIND YOU!” to see how he reacts.

But we’re still going to confirm Hagel, right? I mean, it’s not like we expect someone competent for an Obama nominee.

Is the smoke detector’s low battery chirp specially designed to be impossible to locate by sound?

Think we’re finally going to subscribe to HuluPlus. It was realizing they have Cosby Show and Community exclusively that did it.

Hagel sounds like kind of a jerk and a dummy… which I think would be par for most U.S. Senators.

When Hagel thought the mic was off, it caught him saying, “And I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling Jews!”

This is disappointing for the left, because they wanted a Secretary of Defense who would openly vow to destroy Israel.

So is Secretary of Defense like an entry-level government job?

I never liked Hagel, so now I’m kinda glad he got nominated because this is hilarious. I mean, if it weren’t for the nomination, he could have retried in peace without national humiliation.

So lax gun laws in other states than Illinois cause gun violence in Chicago but not in the states with the lax gun laws.

But guns are obviously the problem.

Is Markos really worth confronting anymore? It seems similar to burning down a strawman.

I can’t even imagine how in the world we managed to watch TV before we were able to pause it.

Really, when the phone would ring or someone was at the door… I can’t remember how we handled that when a favorite show was on.

Grand Theft Auto IV is pretty fun when you get past the tedium and the poor combat controls.

I know I’m very late to the game, but I really don’t see how IGN gave GTA4 a perfect 10.

Love how about half of column and blogging income gets eaten up in taxes. Makes me feel like a rich person paying that high a rate!