“OTTUMWA, IA (AP) – In a gaffe which may or may not have serious long-term consequences for his already stumbling, bumbling, lackluster, low-polling campaign, Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg jumped the gun – so to speak – by holding a press conference and reading aloud from a pre-written statement calling for stronger gun laws. Unfortunately, his staffers forgot to fill in the blanks to reflect the latest mass shooting, and “Mayor Pete” – blinded, perhaps, by teleprompter fever – read the statement verbatim.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today. I come here to note with [sensitive-sounding emotion] the tragic loss of life in [name of city] in the great state of [name of great state]. In this horrific shooting, [number] people were shot, and [smaller number] people were killed in an act of [intensifying adjective] violence. We also do not rule out racism, as [even smaller number] of innocent [collective skin color adjective] people lost their lives during this incident. Unquestionably, it is now time to pass [law that wouldn’t have prevented the shooting, even if it had been obeyed, unlike the law against murder which was utterly disregarded] to make sure this never happens again. Thank you.”

Buttigieg campaign spokesman Joseph Isuzu offered an interpretation of events that the candidate’s critics may or may not find plausible.

“Some people are suggesting,” said Isuzu, “that because this statement appeared to be written out far in advance, it means that your beloved Mayor Pete is a two-bit, snake-eyed, confidence man completely devoid of human emotions or decency. Nothing could be further from the truth. Pete read his all-purpose statement because he believes – as I’m sure all of us do – that all people who are victims of mass shootings – even ones who haven’t been shot yet – are of equal value and deserve the same consideration. Specifically, their value as faceless, interchangeable pawns in our gun-grabber game of thrones. Which actually IS important to us. As are, in that very narrow sense, all of these victims Pete honors in his own personal, if non-specific, way.”

The timing appears especially unfortunate following Buttigieg’s stumble in CNN’s climate change town hall where he referred to Earth as [planet in solar system].

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< CNN Piped Into Prison; Crime Rate Drops to Zero Among Terrified Criminal Element

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IMAO is ad-sponsored: because [fill in the blank]

ATLANTA – In a 6-month experiment dubbed both “magnificent” and “sadistic”, CNN was played non-stop in inmates’ cells, chow halls, and exercise yards. The result: a recidivism rate of zero, and former inmates who swear to go straight because they are “terrified” of having to go relive the horrors of “Constant Nightmare News”.

Samuel Norton, warden of the maximum security Georgia State Prison said the fruits of the program were “truly unbelievable”.

“I’ve been in the prison business for decades, keeping order over hundreds of the most desperate criminals society has put away. I’ve seen lots of dumb ideas come and go: hugs, shoes with spike insoles, ice cream, pink underwear, classical music… none of it ever had any lasting effect. So I was skeptical when Governor Kemp suggested non-stop CNN. How was that supposed to work? People stuck at airports have to watch that muck for hours on end every day. It doesn’t seem to have any effect beyond mild nausea.”

However, Governor Kemp was relying on research by expert criminologist Jason Gideon who understands criminals better, perhaps, than any other individual in the nation.

“These may be criminals,” said Gideon, “but they are Americans, and no American can stand to have a moron try to boss him around. It’s just the most maddening thing in the world, and he’ll do anything to avoid it. I thought, ‘well, no one’s bossier or more moronic than the talking heads of CNN. We should give this a shot and see what happens.’ I think the results speak for themselves.”

While Georgia Department of Corrections records indicate that the 3-year average recidivism rate for all prisoners hovers near 30%, convicted felons who were subjected to a non-stop barrage of CNN reporting had an average recidivism rate of 0.0%, with not one single releasee being convicted of another crime. Although the rates are not directly comparable due to the difference in time periods being studied, the results have been described by prison authorities as “very encouraging.”

One former inmate, Ellis Boyd Redding, talked about his experience with CNN.

“At first, you know, it’s actually interesting. In prison, any distraction is a good thing. But then it gets repetitive. You start to notice patterns. And after a while, you know exactly what they’re going to say before they even say it: ‘impeach Trump,’ ‘make the rich pay their fair share,’ ‘ban assault weapons,’ ‘Biden’s nowhere near as gropey and senile as his critics claim,’ you know, the same old stuff. Gets to the point where you’ll do anything – ANYTHING – to make it stop. I kept my nose clean, got paroled, and even though I was tempted by crime on occasion, I went straight and got a job as a procurement specialist for a deep sea fishing charter boat service. There’s no TV on that boat, and there never will be. I’m free, and I’m staying that way.”

Warden Norton himself has become a believer in the program over time, adding “normally I can tell, when a prisoner is released, whether I’ll be seeing him back behind bars. There’s just a look in his eyes, ya know? But when they’re trying to escape the torment of CNN, all I see is mortal terror, and I know they’re out for good.”

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< Baltimore Mayor: “You Can Have Our Rats When You Pry Them From Our Cold, Dead Hands!”

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