Son I'm sorry but we had to send your dog to a farm. A death farm. For dead pets. More of a trash bag than a farm really. Take out the trash

— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) August 3, 2014

[soldier dying in my arms] "You take this & you give it to my wife." "No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 1, 2014

Tips for a happy marriage? 1.) Stop 2.) Collaborate 3.) Listen.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 4, 2014

Don’t freak out, but I just saw a poorly disguised Bruce Willis running through an airport in slow motion.

— Daniel Foster (@DanFosterType) August 4, 2014

*sits next to girl at bar* hey babe how old are u? "Go to hell" *glances down at Age Of Consent card* let me start over. what state is this?

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 4, 2014