What is Best in Life?

Is it to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women?


But the anguished wails of hippies mourning over dead trees is, at the very least, a close second:

[YouTube direct link]

[hat tip: American Digest]

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Lightning Round 10-30-09

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round (with Fred assisted by FTS Executive Producer Greg Tantum, filling in for Jeri Thompson) from the 10-30-09 Fred Thompson Show:

[YouTube direct link]

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Obama’s Halloween

New extra special Crowder Halloween video:

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Lightning Round 10-29-09

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-29-09 Fred Thompson Show:

[YouTube direct link]

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Torture: How Funny Is It?

Friend of IMAO Michael Z. Williamson has made a new t-shirt:

Is torture funny, though? Now lots of people don’t like torture, but I don’t see why I should have a problem with it if it’s not done to someone I like, like myself. I don’t really mind if terrorists get tortured, because I don’t like them. Also, I don’t mind if animals get tortured because they are my inferiors and would torture me if given half the chance. No, I guess that’s not true; they would have to be given the full chance to be able to torture me. This is why I don’t like animals; all they want to do is torture me. Sick bastards.

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Frank on Science!: The Platypus

The closest thing there is in real life to an X-Man.

The closest thing there is in real life to an X-Man.

The duck-billed platypus (as opposed to the crab-clawed platypus and the rocket-powered platypus) somehow disproves both evolution and creationism at the same time. It actually would be the ultimate proof of evolution if there was supposed to be a missing link between a duck and a badger, but as is it just makes you drop to your knees, stare up at the data, and scream, “Why, Science!? Why?” It certainly isn’t the product of intelligent design, though, as it looks like it was slapped together by a three-year-old (“No, little Timmy, those things don’t go together.”).

It would be weird enough as a duck-like, egg-laying mammal, but did you know the male platypus has a poisonous spur? That’s right, it’s also part scorpion. But that’s not even the weirdest part. It can use its bill to detect electrical signals. You get that? It’s a badger duck scorpion with built in radar. As is, it’s already qualified to enter Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but further analysis of its genome shows it actually has genes previously thought to only exist in birds, amphibians, and fish. And it has ten sex chromosomes; Science! hasn’t even determined how it keeps things straight.

There are many evolutionary theories on the platypus, but the most popular are that it was made in a lab by a mad scientist or it crashed landed in some sort of spaceship. Science! will continue to keep a sharp eye on it, though, because if it evolves high-intelligence, it would probably be the doom of the human race… and one would just assume by that point it would also have developed the ability to shoot laser blasts from its eyes.


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Today’s Discussion Question

Should we as a society wear more sashes?

Sashes help denote rank and keep order. Everyone knows the person with the mayor sash is the mayor and the person with a mechanic sash is a car mechanic. But does this lead to elitism? Wasn’t it the dream of the Founding Fathers that we become a sashless society? And how does one limit themselves to one sash? Do I wear my blogger sash, my engineer sash, or the world’s greatest grandpa sash that I stole from someone?

Complicated questions without easy answers. What say you?

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Random Thoughts

You’d think a unicorn typing C code with its horn would create great code, but it doesn’t even indent consistently.

What would have been a great line during the debate for Hoffman to say to Scozzafava: “You’re still here?”

To balance things out, I’m going to make candle-scented cinnamon.

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Why Has Science! Let Us Down?

Caleb Howe has an article, in light of recent work to get back to the moon, asking what’s happened to all the things Science! has promised us, like jetpacks and robots. Well, Science! is a fickle master that is easily insulted. Each day someone disputes evolution is another day Science! denies us jetpacks and laser rifles. We must give unquestioning loyalty to all the tenets of Science! or it may even punish us with something scientific like an asteroid or a supernova. Or maybe even just a regular nova. Science! also doesn’t like the Harry Potter or Twilight series as they are quite unscientific. Lay those books at its altar (a lab table) and burn them, and Science! may grant you knowledge.

You can have a robot friend and fly around with him in your jetpack, but only if you convince Science! that you are worthy.

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Just Wondering

Since Michelle Obama watched the Yankees play in the first game of the World Series, does this mean that David Letterman’s gonna make a joke about her getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez?

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Who is Gore Vidal? All I know about him is he’s some weird degenerate who is trotted out every so often so we can admire what a weird degenerate he is.

And when are liberals going to look into their pro-rapist problem?

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Lightning Round 10-28-09

The illustrated version of The Lightning Round from the 10-28-09 Fred Thompson Show:

[YouTube direct link]

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2D Village

What’s up with this?

So an artist come by and says, “Hey, man, I want to paint circles on your houses to make them look 2D!”

And I’d say, “For what possible purpose?”

And the artist would say, “It’s art, man. Art is its own purpose.”

And I’d say, “Here’s some art.” Then I’d punch him in the face. “Now your face looks like a cubist painting. Get a real job, hippie.”

And he’d say, “Ahhhhhhh!”

Actually, it is kind of neat looking.

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Random Thoughts

I know we signed some agreement that the moon is the property of the whole world, but we can still landmine it, right?

I wonder if in the President’s busy schedule he’s remembered to test the smoke detectors. Canada could always attack again.

Joe Lieberman does look a lot like Emperor Palpatine, but the lightning he fires from his fingertips is a completely different color.

How could Obama be sexist? He doesn’t even seem quite aware of the fact that he’s a man.

Were dunce caps a real thing? And did it work on teaching kids not to be stupid?

People who say “teabagger” will be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes. And then they’ll get pegged with a tennis ball.

When the revolution comes, we’ll consider letting liberals in our new country, but they’ll first have to do the truffle shuffle.

The public option would be analogous to the Trojan Horse if you could hear Greeks in it loudly saying, “I can’t wait to kill Trojans!”

Someone explain to me how hundreds-of-years-old vampires going after seventeen-year-old girls is anything other than intensely creepy.

I stopped reading Highlights because of the liberal bias in its reporting. Once in the “What’s Wrong” picture they had two men getting married and a Bible in a school. Guess which one you were supposed to circle.

Did Microsoft test IE 8 on any websites before releasing it?

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Gay babies plan to take over the world

Where do babies come from?


All this time, you thought it had something to do with “when a man loves a woman…” Or, maybe a Barry White song instead of a Percy Sledge (or Michael Bolton) song.

That is so early 21st century. We’ve moved beyond that.

Scientists have created eggs and sperm from stem cells.

Scientists at Stanford University in California found the right cocktail of chemicals and vitamins to coax the cells into becoming eggs and sperm.

The sperm had heads and short tails and are thought to have been mature enough to fertilise an egg.

The eggs were at a much earlier stage but were still much more developed than any created so far by other scientists.

While this is certainly interesting, what if babies realize that they don’t need men or women in order to be born?

Sure, the average baby isn’t all that smart. A typical infant is only slightly smarter than the average Democrat. But what about those Baby Einsteins that the Disney company made smart?

Don’t be fooled. Those Baby Einsteins are smart. They figured out how to get smart, then get their money back from Disney. Scary smart, those Baby Einsteins.

So, if smart babies learn how to make other babies, they’d probably make more smart babies. Then we’d be overrun with smart babies.

Not worried about that? Read that whole article again. Especially this part:

The science also raises the possibility of ‘male eggs’ made from men’s skin and ‘female sperm’ from women’s skin.

This would allow gay couples to have children genetically their own

Think about this. What if genius gay babies try to take over the world?

You know what? They’ll succeed?

Who would fight them? If it was Godzilla, we’d send the Army out to fight them. But it’s not Godzilla. It’s smart gay babies. We can’t send the Army to fight smart gay babies. They’re babies, for crying out loud.

On the other hand, maybe Obama would make his mind up to take a stand against smart gay babies. But I doubt it.

Smart babies, yes, he’d send the troops to fight against. But smart gay babies? That’s part of his constituency. The gay part, not the baby part. Or the smart part.

So, if babies tried to take over the world, Obama would fight against them. But if smart gay babies try, we’re screwed.

And not in the way that we used to make babies.

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