Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…

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90 Comments

  1. .. is to make sure you have the dullest scissors you own, and then use the scissors to cut out a paper knife from the thinnest paper you have, then charge at the gunman with your newly made knife and hope for the best.

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  2. Walk in an orderly fashion to the 3D copier , make an AR-15, REGISTER it with the appropriate authorities, try to find ammo at the nearest outlet, declare yourself a liberal and shout “Comrade” before giving up.

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  3. Recite the existing gun laws, emphasizing those he is violating.

    Call the police and hope for the best.

    Point to the “Gun Free Zone” sign.

    Ascertain if the gun wielder (gunman is sexist) is from a protected ethnic or social minority. If so, try to empathize according to the media-promoted archetypes: Latinos are often upset over immigration, Blacks about the prejudice of high society and slavery; etc.
    If the gunman is white – he is obviously a right-wing gun-nut and you should run and hide. He has a military-style assault-weapon, and even the police will be helpless against that kind of armaments.

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  4. …always be standing behind Michael Moore, Chris Christie or, safest of all, Mochelle’s giant keister.

    …is to act like a gun.

    …is to clamshell package yourself and hang out at Frank’s house.

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  5. … is to escort him to a nice safe place, counsel him about his workplace violence, give him three square meals a day, and allow him to grow a beard, defying a judge’s order and delaying the trial.

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  6. … Tax the rich and give him free health care

    … Is to Institute statism

    … Is to disarm all his victims… The less people resist the sooner the gunman will get his fill of murder and mayhem, leave and get back to spending his government handouts

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  7. …make sure his ammo in not of a caliber that might constitute a choking hazard and issue a recall if needed.

    …well that depends on what your bookie says when you call and ask what the over/under is on the ensuing mass shooting.

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  8. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is wet your pants, hide, cry out to Allah, God, Buddah or whatever deity you believe will respond, but DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING A GUN TO DEFEND YOURSELF!

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  9. According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to make him feel good about himself by reminding him that he qualifies for free Prozac and birth control under the Affordable Care Act.

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  10. …get on your knees and plead, “I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!” -then take off your sunglasses and look them in the eye.

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  11. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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