Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…

Posted on February 5, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…

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90 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: According to the DHS, the Best Way to Deal With a Crazed Gunman…”

  1. spacemonkey says:

    ..point your finger at him and yell “bang!”

  2. DamnCat says:

    …is to hide behind Janet Napolitano. She provides sufficient cover for yourself and your entire family. Also your dogs and cats. And up to three horses.

  3. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …stick your finger in the barrel, pull out a carrot, and say, “Eh, what’s up, doc?”

  4. DamnCat says:

    …is to threaten him with nail clippers which DHS has determined are capable of bringing down commercial aircraft.

  5. Dohtimes says:

    …is to keep a line of bath salts on your desk and be ready to eat face and take names.

    …outfit your secretary with a bullet proof skirt and roller skates.

  6. Conservatarian says:

    …is to take up scrap booking.

    …is to make paper dolls.

    …is to clip coupons good for 1 free invisibility cloak.

  7. tomg51 says:

    Don’t try to fix the cracks! Repairs will reduce the value of these Objects d’Art. Antiques Roadshow, S3E9

  8. rodney dill says:

    …point at him, yell “RACIST,” and wait for the anvil of liberal smugness to come crashing on his head.

  9. rodney dill says:

    …say, “Hey buddy! I think there’s a grade school over there (pointing).”

  10. srm000 says:

    … is to say, “Don’t do it! It’s Bush’s fault, I swear!”, then run out of the room screaming.

  11. Tau Dades says:

    …submit a request for added security from the State dept several months in advance.

  12. Writer says:

    . . . is to notify him that if he is an Illegal Alien, then this could adversely affect his chance of becoming a citizen.

  13. blarg says:

    … Tax the rich and give him free health care

    … Is to Institute statism

    … Is to disarm all his victims… The less people resist the sooner the gunman will get his fill of murder and mayhem, leave and get back to spending his government handouts

  14. Nate says:

    Threaten to vote only for candidates with a 100% rating from the NRA and a 0% rating from the Brady Campaign.

  15. Crabby Old Bat says:

    . . . is to repeal the Second Amendment. All gunmen are crazed.

  16. FormerHostage says:

    …is to be thankful that at least YOU obeyed the law!

  17. Dohtimes says:

    …make sure his ammo in not of a caliber that might constitute a choking hazard and issue a recall if needed.

    …well that depends on what your bookie says when you call and ask what the over/under is on the ensuing mass shooting.

  18. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is wet your pants, hide, cry out to Allah, God, Buddah or whatever deity you believe will respond, but DON’T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING A GUN TO DEFEND YOURSELF!

  19. CarolyntheMommy says:

    … is to inform him that he’s in a gun-free zone. That problem will be gone forever!

  20. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wait four years until his term expires.

  21. CarolyntheMommy says:

    …. is to give him directions back to his neighborhood in Chicago

  22. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.

  23. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to mime opening a window and crawling out of it to safety.

  24. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to wrap your feet and and hands with DHS-approved duct tape, then lay atop your DHS-approved plastic sheeting.

  25. Corsair says:

    Play dead? It work against bears.

  26. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is yell, “He’s got an iPad!”, then watch as TSA inspectors appear out of nowhere to steal it.

  27. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is prosecute the gunman’s doctor for not reporting that his patient owns a gun.

  28. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to make him feel good about himself by reminding him that he qualifies for free Prozac and birth control under the Affordable Care Act.

  29. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…would be to remain hopeful that he shoots as well as the president.

  30. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to warn him that you’ve called the police and they’ll be there in 97 minutes.

  31. Manolo says:

    According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…is to guarantee your safety by shouting, “I didn’t vote for that bastard either!”

  32. CarolyntheMommy says:

    …. is to cover your face and say, “You can’t see me!”

    … is to shout, “Biff! What the Hell is that!?”

  33. CarolyntheMommy says:

    … is inform him that you’re a top diplomat and therefore untouchable

  34. SOYLENT GREEN says:

    Give him an ATF badge and send him to Mexico.

  35. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …get on your knees and plead, “I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!” -then take off your sunglasses and look them in the eye.

  36. seanmahair says:

    …get out your official signed photo of our Dear Leader and tell him “we’re all in this together, baby”. That for sure will calm him down.

  37. rodney dill says:

    @Bob in Feenicks #85 – Oh Crap, wish I would’ve thought of that one.

  38. Dohtimes says:

    …you look Obama in the eye and say- Don’t skeet shoot me bro.

  39. Dohtimes says:

    …you make him wade through a hundred or so comments before he picks his victim.

  40. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    […] Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “According to the DHS, the best way to deal with a crazed gunman…” […]

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