So now Iran and North Korea are trying to scare us with their building of nukes, but we don’t seem that riled. Actually, I think it’s a great strategy to just ignore them entirely; the main reason someone makes nukes is because they want attention. So, if I were Bush, here is how I would play it if Kim Jong Il and Iran’s leader (I forget his name; let’s just say Ed) started blustering about their nukes:
Ed: Ha! Infidels! You will soon be at the mercy of our nuclear power!
Jong: Yes, are nukes are very big scary! You no push us around.
Bush: Whatever. I’m watching T.V. You guys go have fun with your nukes.
Ed: But are you not scared by us being evil and having nuclear power, imperialist pig dog?
Jong: Yes, we very bad and crazy!
Bush: Yeah, I’m sure you got some great nukes and all, but that’s so last century. I mean, like anyone can get them off the black market these days. Hell, we’re selling most of ours now that we got our… oh, I wasn’t supposed to talk about that.
Ed: Talk about what, yankee monkey-faced man?
Jong: What you not tell us?
Bush: Well, reason we don’t care about other nukes anymore is that now we have our… Extra Nuke!
Ed: Extra Nuke? This sounds like lies of hegemonic dog pig Americans.
Jong: Yes, you do not scare me.
(hugs teddy bear closer)
Bush: Whatever dudes. Hey, you guys want some more weapons grade plutonium? We don’t need it anymore, and it’s just taking up storage space now that we have our– Extra Nuke.
Ed: Hmm… tell me more of this “Extra Nuke”, pig dog imperialist man thing.
Jong: Yes, what is Extra Nuke?
Bush: Well, you know how a regular nuke has a big explosion and a mushroom cloud? The Extra Nuke has… man, I can’t even describe. Let’s just say that when I saw the test of it, I was looking for someone to surrender to.
Ed: You do not scare me, yankee imperialist monkey pig man with a cherry on top. I think you are bluffing.
Jong: I am a little scared.
Bush: Whatever, guys. I’m a busy man. Why don’t you go work on your nukes now… not like they’re useful for anything more than taking care of a gopher problem now that we have our Extra Nuke, or, as I like to call it– Nuke X!
Jong: Nuke X! That is scary!
(holds out teddy bear)
Save me, Teddy.
Ed: Ha, Allah will still crush you hegemonic monkey imperial dog man yankee pigs, even with your “Nuke X”!
Bush: Funny you mention that. Allah was just about the crush the U.S. – as your crazy Islamists always said he would – but then he saw the Nuke X test and ran away.
Ed: Oh no! I thought I hadn’t seen him in some time!
Jong: Even teddy cannot save me from this Nuke X!
Bush: So, are you guys going to be nice now?
Ed: Ha, we will not have to lick the boots of you…
Bush: Or I could just go back and get my– Nuke X!
Ed: No no no!
Jong: I am scared of Nuke X!
Ed: We give in, American pig dog yankee man imperial! We will allow democracy and issue a Fatwah to hug all Jews!
Jong: And I will take out all funding of my military to feed my people. And then I will resign as leader and get a job as janitor at a McDonalds!
Bush: Alright, then, I guess I can leave Nuke X where it is.
But here’s the secret: there is no Nuke X! We will have just made it up! This is such a great plan. I don’t know why I haven’t been hired onto the president’s staff yet.
I don’t understand why you’re not at least Imperial Secretary of War or something…..
McDonalds is nasty enough without Kim Jong Il as janitor.
Nuke X
Frank J. analyzes the NoKo nuke threat. Or something. Mostly “or something”….
Is it just me, or did Ed sound a little like the french knight from Monty Python & the Holy Grail?
I guess I know now!
Frank J has the transcript of a secret conversation that explains why Bush doesn’t seem as concerned about Iran’s and North Korea’s nukes as he was about Iraq’s “WMD” – IMAO: Nuke X…
Fatwahs are fun… I’d like to hack into the Central Fatwah Agency and post some fake ones, like “Anyone who spells the name of the prophet wrong is a heretic a must be killed” It’s funny cause they’d all kill each other. Stupid Mohammud/Mohammad/Muhammod/Bill/Muhanmnadd/etc.
Cough
He IS, you know.
Um, Bob, killing each other is right up there with baseball as a leisure time activity over there.
MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer
[Bows to the Imperial Presence]
Frank J?
We’d like you to come with us please.
Why? We have a few questions about your leaking secrets to the enemy.
Come along quietly, please and we won’t release these monkeys.
That’s funny. This is the second post in 2 days like that from completely different sites. The other one I saw was a few days ago at http://xerph.com/archives/000089.html
Both pretty funny.
Nothing like the old “Corbomite Maneuver” is there, Frank.
Nuke X… a bomb thousands of times as powerful as a regular nuke.
Would that be like a Hydrogen bomb then? We’ve got those already.
Just don’t tell them that they can get Nuke X from Ron Popeil and he’ll throw in the Oasis-finder and Camel-wipes, all for $19.95!
I just don’t understand why people think I’m Frank
I keep getting these weird emails from bloggers telling me, “Dear Frank, we won’t link to your blog because it’s too sleazy.” I wonder if my four drunk readers in Joe’s Saloon in the Virgin Islands are playing tricks on me….
I guess I know now!
Frank J has the transcript of a secret conversation that explains why Bush doesn’t seem as concerned about Iran’s and North Korea’s nukes as he was about Iraq’s “WMD” – IMAO: Nuke X…