Jonah Goldberg put out a suggested campaign ad for President Bush, and I was thinking that whatever Goldberg can do, I can do better. Here are my own ad suggestions (based on the assumption that John Kerry is the nominee).
This one will settle all the issues about President Bush’s military service.
Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.
ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to tout his military record in Vietnam and belittle Bush’s National Guard Service in Alabama but…
Picture of evacuation of Saigon.
ANNOUNCER: Fact: We lost in Vietnam, and that country is now ruled by Communists.
Picture of happy looking southerners.
ANNOUNCER: Fact: Alabama was protected during the seventies and now has a stable – albeit crude – democracy.
Fade to black.
GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush – He fights battles we can win
This ad should put the special interest money issue in perspective.
Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.
ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to pretend he cares about regular people, when in fact he gets tons of money from special interests.
Color picture of a smiling George Bush.
ANNOUNCER: And, though it is true that President Bush gets even more money, he get so much that in fact odds are that you, watching this now, are one of those special interest money donators.
Cut to President Bush in the Oval Office.
BUSH: I would just like to thank you for the money, and I promise to spend it on great ads like this.
Fade to black.
GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush – Vote for the man you donated to
Paid for by the Bush Reelection Campaign and you.
This one is kind of a cheap shot, but, hey, that’s politics for you.
Video of the liberation of Iraq.
ANNOUNCER: Liberals like to say that President Bush didn’t find any WMD’s.
Cut to President Bush in the Oval Office.
BUSH: But it’s not true. I have found WMD’s, and — THEY’RE IN JOHN KERRY’S FACE! BOO-YEAH!
Picture of John Kerry.
ANNOUNCER: That’s right. John Kerry is a sissy-boy who uses botox injection so he can better admire himself in the mirror.
Fade to black.
GRAPHIC: Re-Elect George Bush – Don’t vote for a sissy-boy
This one will have a high production cost, but it should play well with the MTV crowd… who I don’t really want voting. Anyway, this one is kickass!
Scene: Debate between Bush and an actor playing Kerry.
KERRY: I think the American people really are focused on trivial, inane issues, and that’s what I plan to make them my priority as president.
Suddenly a throwing star barely misses Kerry’s head and ninjas slide down to the stage from ropes.
AUDIENCE: Oh no! Ninjas!
Kerry ducks behind his podium.
KERRY: Someone protect my important looking hair!
MEMBER OF AUDIENCE: Ninjas are trying to destroy democracy!
Cut to close up of Bush who squints his eyes menacingly.
BUSH: Not while I’m president.
Bush defeats all the ninjas in a well-choreographed kung fu fight.
BUSH: Nothing a real president can’t handle.
AUDIENCE: On no! Terrorists!
Cut to long shot showing terrorists with AK-47’s surrounding the stage.
HEAD TERRORIST: We are here to terrorize Americans for nonsensical reasons involving Allah and Jews and such.
KERRY (still ducking behind podium): This wasn’t agreed to in the debate format!
BUSH: There are too many for me to handle myself!
A grenade lands near the terrorists’ feet and explodes. Arnold Schwarzenegger burst into the fray firing an M-60.
AUDIENCE: It’s California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!
ARNOLD: Terrorists are veak and puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!
Bush pulls out a Colt .45, and he and Arnold kill all the terrorists.
AUDIENCE: Yay! Bush and the Republicans have saved us from ninjas and terrorists!
Kerry finally gets up from behind his podium.
KERRY: Now can we stop talking about terrorism and get back to the trivial and petty issues that are at hand?
ARNOLD: You are veak and puny!
Arnold picks up Kerry and throws him through the back wall.
Bush poses before Arnold.
BUSH: If you want a president who knows how to work with federal and local government to kill ninjas and terrorists, make sure to vote for me in November. Right, Governor?
ARNOLD: Dah!
So, put your own ad ideas in the comments section, but keep it clean for God’s sake and no more bickering. Also, if anyone posts “First!”, my new policy is I’ll change it to “I poop my pants.”
UPDATE: Ike has one of my ads done in flash. Go check it out.
Think this through: Arnold would never say “Dah.” That’s what stinking commies say. Arnold speaks Cherman and would say, “Ja.”
And please note that although I could have said “First”, I didn’t.
The evolution of the ads from serious to ninjas is really funny. It sounds hard to think all way on seriousness.
Frank, why are you pooping in your pants ?
THIRD!!! It
s not First!! but Ill take it.Could Bush have handled Monkey Ninja Terrorists?
I agree with Maven. Why is Arnie always saying DAH he isn’t Russian?
Or maybe……
I just like “Dah!” okay? There’s no sense to it.
I do poop my pants though…
You Pansies!
First! Yea, I said it, FIRST.
Now, who can I bicker with?
You, in the corner, cowering like a sick monkey, you look liberal to me, I’m gonna bicker with you.
bicker
bicker
bicker
bicker
(I just like saying “bicker”)
Meaning no ffense to actual Viet Nam vets (I’m such a sissy), if you’re going to use an actor to portray Kerry you can have all kinds of fun.
The scene: candidate Kerry is behind a podium giving a speech.
As “Kerry” gives his speech, his mention of his Viet Nam service makes him a little more emotional till he has a total break down.
I saw something similar on an episode of the The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross where he talked about how they “made him hurt peopel” and he “didn’t want to hurt people”. The break down was disturbing, fascinating, and entertaining. It also explained “happy little” trees.
“Bush defeats all the ninjas in a well-choreographed kung fu fight.”
Hilarious post. Hey, keep the “Dah!”.
How ’bout a simple debate between Kerry and Kerry?
Kerry: “I fought in Vietnam”
Kerry: “You’re a baby killer”
Kerry: “I would all but dismantle the CIA”
Kerry: “I’ve never been for dismantling the CIA”
Kerry: “We should stop Sadam and his WMDs”
Kerry: “Sadam never had WMDs and you know it.”
and on and on. This guy provides tons of material!
Wow, a Tick reference. Cool.
My commercial:
Shot of Kerry in front of screen with Saddam and Osama and other assorted terrorists while Kerry says,”I’d see myself first of all as a jobs president, as a health care president, as an education president and also an environmental president. –.So I would see myself as a very different kind of global leader than George Bush.”
Let’s make our choice crystal clear. I hate to be a one issue voter, but I really hate being blown up. Sorry Spoons.
Such the hammer and the sickle?
How To Win An Election (Rosemary, the Q.O.A.E.)
Does what they stand for matter? Is it what they say? The color of their suit? Hair? Height? NO! It’s the commercials. Okay, maybe not….
Bumper Stickers:
Bush: piss off Europe and vote for me
Kerry: trampling the Rich, placating the Poor
Kerry: Appeasement will keep us Safe
Kerry: at least he’s not Dean
Kerry: making the world safe for France
Kerry: against Every War even the good ones
Kerry: supported by “Aristocrats for the Poor”
Kerry: endorsed by Bin Laden, Hamas, Kim Jung Il,
Al Frankin, Lou Dobbs, Hans Blix and Canada
Scene shows Kerry behind a podium. He says, “I served in VietNam!”
– Flashback to an actor playing a young Kerry (you can tell because his hair isn’t so poufy and he has more wrinkles in his forehead) he’s in a Saigon bar slamming back Shirley Temples and snapping the little umbrellas in half with one hand.
Back to Kerry: “I know what it’s like to face danger!”
Back to actor. He’s walking away from the table being led by a teenage prostitute. The other guys at the table are hootin’ and hollerin’ at him. He turns and gives a sickly grin but there’s sheer terror in his eyes.
Back to Kerry: “I know what it’s like to be wounded!”
Back to actor. Upper shot of him standing next to a medic who’s looking at a chart. “So,” says the medic, “got a little cold in the pants huh?” He pulls out and unwraps a LARGE cotton swab. “Ok,” he says, “unwrap it and let’s have a look-see.” The camera closes in on a face shot of “Kerry” as he fumbles about. There is the sound of a zipper and his eyes get wide as he starts shaking and whimpering.
Back to Kerry: “I’ll look out for all Americans, not just the rich!”
Montage of shots: Theresa’s mansion, Kerry on a yacht (with TeddyK), Kerry getting into a limo, Kerry at a fancy PAC dinner. A shot of “Kerry” walking past a bunch of people waiting in line at a restaurant and sneering “Don’t you know who I am?”
Black screen with white lettering…”We all know who John effin’ Kerry is…”
Screen shots fade in and out:
– Second aircraft hitting the WTC. Voice over of TeddyK…”This war was planned prior to 9-11″
– Dubya’s Air National Guard photo. Voice over of a newscaster announcing the call-up of some National Guard unit for duty in Iraq.
– Dubya in a flight suit walking on the deck of the aircraft carrier. Scene of one of the sailors or Marines gushing on how great it was to see the President.
– Video of SoDamnInsane being checked for lice. Superimposed in from is Nancy Pelosi repeating one of her “Where’s Saddam” rants.
– Split screen: right side dark, left side fades in to Kerry giving comment about working with the UN to create a true “collision” of nations. Freeze frame. Right side fades in to Dubya as he says “We will not require a permission slip to protect our nation!” Freeze frame.
Voice over: “If you lose a job, you can always find another. If a terrorist kills a loved one, they are gone forever….who do you REALLY think should be in charge?!?”
I may not agree with “Dah!”, but I will defend to the DEATH Frank’s right to have Arnold say “Dah!”
Dah!
Kerry showing a pea between his two fingers and saying: You see this, this is a bull shit.
You eat it.
You chew it.
You swallow it.
and….
ROUGHTHTHGHGHGHCHCHCH… CH… CH… CHHHHHH
Silent.
Kerry having his to fingers up as ears at both sides his head and saying. You see me. I am a pea…
PEA… PEA… PEEEE… AAAAH
Silent.
Kerry having one finger in front of his nose and saying you see this, you chew, it and you swallow it until you get the constitution of decay.
Hip pea hip pea got to say that cooking pea pea get’s a K.
A caky Kerry kicks the clock.
Night
Good, good, good. Good night.
“As always, out of purpose”
Jingle from the dissentery warrior, that made Viet Nam, and walked into it.
Amphitryon, what the hell was that?
What ? Did you smell something ?
A good joke to make:
JOKE
You take a bull shit, you pack it into news papers, you bring it in front of a door, you put the fire in and you ring the bell.
“Be a Kerry, take the fire off with your own shoes.
Dan,
You know that uncle that always gets drunk at thanksgiving and spends the entire family meal drooling and farting at the far end of the table? What do you do with him? That’s right, you ignore him. Well, think of Amphitryon as your uncle…
Viet Nam, brought to America.
Brought to America.
Brought to America.
Brought
To A-ME-RI-CA !!!!
See what I mean?
Mike, you have a strange familly, or maybe you’re not a Marine.
“See what I mean?”
Yes Mike, that bull shiting in your familly is a common way of communication. When shiting to loud, you lose the sight.
You should send these to President@whitehouse.gov. I think Our President George W. Bush would enjoy these, and may even use them in a real commercial, resulting in royalty money for you, Frank.
Frank, pleeeeaaaaassssee! Can’t you do something about her??!!
Real footage of Kerry saying:
“I believe that the war on terror is best fought with law enforcement and intelligence.” (or something like that, you know the one)
Pan to Bush:
“What the HELL are you talking about?”
Kerry: Blaming America first since 1973
Alright everybody, I am leaving.
Would Sam Waterston play Kerry in the fake debate? They look a bit similar. Kerry probably has spent more money on cosmotologists.
Sam has pretty good closing arguments on “Law and Order”. He might kick Bush’s ass in a fake debate. That would not be cool. If he introduced me to a newly divorced Angie Harmon though, that would be cool. I don’t know that Angie’s contemplating divorce, but it’s one of my recurring fanta……..never mind.
Wasn’t their a movie “Kerry”?
Was Kerry in it, or was that Sam Waterston?
What about Richard Gere playing Kerry? He was in “American Gigalo” back in the day, so I think theirs a connection there as far as typecasting is concerned. Kerry is THE AMERICAN GIGALO. If Gere plays Kerry, then theoretically the Dhali Lama could be in the cabinet. He’s used to being punked by the ChiCommies anyway, so he’d be a perfect fit for a pussifist, excuse me, pacifist administration.
Jingle bell…
Jingle bell…
I am leaving…
If Amphi leaves, then where will we get ecentric comments?
Mike, during the familly parties, I usually stand at the kitchen. I am a cook.
e@centric.comments
Not where Frank, but when ?
Amphi is hil-freakin’-arious. Please encourage her to stay and keep the element of surreality in the comments section.
eccentric or egocentric?
Hey, you had Kerry speaking in a debate and he didn’t mention Vietnam once. That can’t be him! It must be a Sneaky Ninja imposter!
Have Ah-nuld shoot him dead! Or maybe Chomps can get him!
Just read Amphi’s comments with a French accent, then it gets really funny…
Amphitryon’s surreal humor is the perfect counterpoint to Frank’s muscular sarcasm. It’s like drinking a good French red wine with a nice big American Porterhouse steak. Oooo, steak….
Yours,
Wince
Advertising In Frank’s World
Frank J has some hysterical suggestions for Bush campaign ads, and he’s asking his readers to roll their own in his comment sections. That got me to thinking about advertising here in China. There are no campaign ads (for obvious…
Thank you everybody I must rest now.
Oh freaking hell, I was about to do the Bartokomous Dance of Joy when I saw amphi was leaving, but NOOOO, SOMEBODY wanted to keep the little dumbass as a pet.
Anyway, I think Guy Smiley should play Kerry in the commercials.
Guy Smiley? Guy Smiley? Hmmmm….I recognize but I can’t place the reference.
Oh…and by the way…the ones that wanted to keep amphi as a pet…she left a “package” on the rug so one you go clean that mess up before your father gets home! And don’t use the good towels!!!
Bickering, pooping hippies = bad
Frank J = good
Amphi = WTF
Guy Smiley is a stuffed uptight piece of foam muppet from sesame street. Though I’m sure Guy Smiley wouldn’t ever use the F word to appear “hip” and “in da groove” to his younger audiences – Smiley’s stuffed muppet brain is smarter than that – I’m sure he could ramble on annoyingly just like kerry does. Smiley also has important looking hair too.
Kerry during the campaign goes for a meeting in India. Indian style, he keeps the bull shit dry and take some in his suite case. Back to America, he organizes a “garden party” for the video sequence of the campaign…
Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to make front of you a demonstration of what a good president of the United-States must do to show the world how great is America.
Bull shit… Bull shit… Bull shit are screaming the people.
Yes my ladies. Yes my gentlemen, I am bringing you the bull shit, but as a man of say and as a man of do, I not only bring one but two, and three and a full suite case…of
Bull shit… Bull shit… Bull shit are screaming the people.
And as a man of do that do what he says, I am going to deliver you the message of the temperature. When setting fire on a bull shit it burns with a flame of red pepper chili on a donk ass. What a president of the United-States must do, is what a good farmer would do to prevent the donkey from putting off the fire from a heap of straw. With bare hands I am going to demonstrate by putting the fire on my own ass that I won’t run to the heap of straw but to the barrel of water that is twice the length of the road to the heap of straw.
When Kerry arrived to the water, he faint on to his ass and he said “Viet Nam, the glory to us”.
The people stopped shouting “bull shit, bull shit” any more, as obviously Kerry was not earring, but one of the people said to his friend: “do you think he is really conscious when he speaks about Viet Nam ?” The friend answered: “I think he is not even conscious that he runs as a donk ass”.
Laughing So Hard…
Frank’s so funny.
Pet-ty Pet-ty Pet-ty Pet
Got to leave my little bullet
On the chair and the carpet
So mummy get funk athlet
Last but not least:
Kerry in the morning is shaving front his mirror.
He gets a look at his nose and…
DAMNIT, he got a spot. A bad spot actually.
He tries make up, but nothing, the spot reminds and the barb won’t hid it so Kerry says:
Here is my scar from early Viet Nam when I was a soldier, a real warrior.
Then a Veteran takes his pants off and says “here is my scar from the edge of the fridge that I use to close without my hands”.
And Kerry, showing his face says: “here is my tongue without my lips, won in America lost in Vietnam”.
And the Veteran says: “you should shut up or you’ll never win, Bush has more arguments with America up while Viet Nam is down”.
And the Veteran says: “hey, I have got Viet Namock too”.
I am so sorry. I should shut up now.
Oh this one I can just imagine some bad actor, running up to the stage, stopping, and blurting out the line: “We are here to terrorize Americans for nonsensical reasons involving Allah and Jews and such!” and then continuing to run on stage. Fricken hilarious Frank. Glad I wasn’t holding my pop in my hands at the time!!
“Cut to close up of Bush who squints his eyes menacingly.
BUSH: Not while I’m president.
Bush defeats all the ninjas in a well-choreographed kung fu fight.
BUSH: Nothing a real president can’t handle.”
Now why did this remind me of Kill bill and the fight with the crazy 88s.
My sugestion
Mars-Holst’s planets plays in background
US army blow stuff up, launching missles, intermingled with pictures of illigal combatants being rounded up and detained.Finally the immage Saddams statue being toppled, cut to the picture of saddams two boys on the slab shortly followed by Saddam being inspected.
Fade to black with the words “Don’t mess with Texas”
Bush dressed as a woman, riding a white horse as an amazon, then jumping off the horse saying holding both his Texan guns. Even if I would be a woman, I would be a president.
What is Amphitryon’s gender? I never guessed (or thought about it.) If there was ever a person in need of a blog of thier own…
Anyway, the best advertising for Kerry is to interview his most whacky supporters on camera and broadcast the interview. It would be like that show Street Smarts where the entertainment comes from guessing just how stupid some people can be. At the end of each broadcast say, “These people support Kerry, are you one of them?”
I’m just curious: Do they have jobs in France? Because Amphitryon seems to have a lot of time on her hands.
They have jobs in France, but have no fear, Chirac is working hard to correct that.
Anonymous, Chirac can work little harder, because with an other government than his, I would not have the schedule I have.
I am lucky, I am working when ever I want, day, night, morning, evening, sundays and even in summer.
Here is little of my pet-ty artwork. It is to sell 50 $.
| View one | View two | View three |
Liberty Bob, I have a blog, but as people on IMAO do not welcome me, I do not welcome them either. As I have already written, I don’t write to have “readers” but to communicate when I have serious important things to say. I prefer to make my own readers. Those who want to read me know how to find me.
So now, buy my art and get a hand drawing bonus with a special word from me and an envelop and a stamp from France, all this for only 50 $.
Jonag, I am working on holidays and the more it bother you, the more I have fun.
That’s new also, a character specially designed for the players.
We call this artwork in French “caca-pipi-popo”, an evolution in the concept of being and not being but anyway.
I have created this artwork that you can buy 50 $, being inspired by Merde in France, so if you want to patronize Merde in France, you have to buy my artwork. It is all made with TIP, a kind of toy you should never buy to a child. REALLY, never buy TIP to children, it’s easy to swallow and it transforms into a chemical gum that is poisonous with water. Consequently it is not water proof, but it is artistical, made with very much taste and wit.
The wit is very important. That is what makes the art artistical.
Campaign Ads We’d Like To See
As with all presidential campaigns, television ads are on the horizon. Frank J. has a few suggestions….
I am confused Amphitryon, why is the english better on your blog then here in the comments? When I get comments for my blog will come and bless them with your comments?
You know, if the military has created the set of cards, it is because some of them don’t make a clue at work, so consider the set of cards as a overtime training to remember the faces that little time enough make win America.
Personally, I work both with my ass and my head. My ass because I sit all day, which is why scratching during a pause is funny. And my head because I am sometimes supposed to have good ideas. I don’t mean that I get enough paid with that, but scratching my ass helps me forget that I don’t get paid enough for that.
And if I would really not have a job, I would not admit any sarcasm from you.
Monster Kabasue, I am coming, I am coming, but how do we post comments on your blog ?
BTW Monster Kabasue, your blog is really funny.
“Fact: Alabama was protected during the seventies and now has a stable – albeit crude – democracy.”
THAT made me spit up my drink.
Genius, Frank… genius.
Frank, I must say that girls on your blog are all jealous. Jonag, Jennifer, Susie, Jane, Sarah G. and the others really hate me. I am sure it is not only because I am French, but because I am old. I wouldn’t be so old, they would not hate me as they do, would they ?
73 is not a good age to blog on IMAO. I know, but without this distraction, life would be so boring.
BTW, what have happened of Courtney ? She was a cute kind girl. Where is she ?
Kerry Campaign Slogan: “Do you know who I am?!”
Okay, I was just getting ready to rip on Amphi when I decided to first look a little closer.
For a while, I’ve been using the “annoying uncle” approach, reading the first two sentences of each post, and using the scroll-wheel on my mouse to pass anything like:
“And as a man of do that do what he says, I am going to deliver you the message of the temperature. When setting fire on a bull shit it burns with a flame of red pepper chili on a donk ass.”
WTF? I don’t want to even try throwing good neurons into that blender…
Then, I saw her “artwork” (“We call this artwork in French “caca-pipi-popo”, an evolution in the concept of being and not being but anyway.”) Hey, at least she’s calling a spade a spade here. My kids used to use these very same terms when they were in diapers – but without the French accent. Honesty earns credit in my book, and as we all know, the Metropolitan Museum of Art will surely dole out a hefty sum of American Taxpayer cash in grants for excretory art. Amphi needs only apply. It can stand right between a jar of urine and some pachyderm scat.
My only observation is of the irony of this “piece” – or more literally, this P.O.S.: That a sculpture which was initially a gift of France is mocked by a French artist in a scatological sense, and thus (looking at the forest now) of the grand metaphor of what LIBERTY has come to be viewed by the French. I have to say when the image hit my screen, I nearly hit the floor in hysterics. The comedic epiphany of Amphytron’s posts comes to me at last!
But then the clincher. I can’t argue for her removal when her blog has a Bush-Cheney banner and official georgewbush.com/blog link. Where’s YOUR Bush banner, Frank?
P.S. to Amphi – Exclude the “whine” from your resume for better results, and try to disassociate yourself with perceived Communist expression by emphasizing your foreign language skills as read, not Red! 🙂 I guess I can give you credit for even doing this well in one foreign tongue, let alone three. If I tried to type in French, the result might resemble that of a chimp banging on a keyboard. (The question then becomes, who would notice?)
Anyway, I’m cool – I don’t have a problem if she stays…
Whine ? Where have you seen whine ?
Rubber, I have too much bitterness with the society to wonder if I am understandable or not. I am alive, and that’s enough. I have other qualities than language, other languages than writing, and I do not have the feeling to apology for my poor English. It is as it is. Leave it if you don’t like. I consider that I have made enough efforts for my part. Now I am not giving up, but I am going my way.
About your communist what so ever references, if you cannot see red without the ideology that you describe, it is your problem, not mine, and I really not bother as long as there is a proper line between your world and mine.
It seems that the problem on IMAO is and still always be the same. People judge before they know, and while they don’t want to apology, they feel the need to add more on their nominative comments. If at least they would comment on the subjects of Frank post rather than what the readers are writing, there would have less misunderstanding, and probably more commodities.
All that to say Rubber, that I don’t care about your comment and that your snobbism about language should be a good reason for you not read me.
That’s fantastic you know. Readers disgust me of writing. We should create the land of the anthropo-phrase. I am sure that you could be a senior.
Good night.
Here’s one that’ll go over well with Middle America (and the rest of America, for that matter!):
Fade in: Vietnamese flag flying in tatters against a cold, gray sky
Fade in: The Stars and Stripes flying crisply in a pure blue sky
Fade in: Kerry testifying in ’71
Fade in: Bush throwing out the first pitch of the World Series in NY, October ’01 (from the mound for a strike – with movement, no less!)
Fade to black.
Caption: STAND UP AND BE COUNTED!
Frank, I think this is the funniest thing you have ever written. When Bush squinted his eyes and said, “Not while I’m president,” I nearly let out a HOO-AH! at my desk!
Frank J: Helping more white-collar workers get fired while giggling than any other blogger.
Boo, better caption “Don’t mess with New York.”
Relax, Amphi… Call it a backhanded compliment if you will, padded with a little constructive criticism. The communist references that touched you off were a play on your translation of your language skills. From your resume:
“Languages:
– French (mother tongue)
– English (Red, written, spoken)
– Indonesian (Red, written, spoken)
– Italian (Red) ”
I understand this to mean that you READ these languages. In English, afterall, read and read are past and present tense verbs differing only in pronunciation. Red is a color – and when referenced as such implies a communist conveyance. Just trying to be helpful, afterall… 😉
Actually, in a vain attempt to contribute to the subject of the thread, I’m sure Kerry’s real resume would boast similarly ‘colored’ talents.
“Good night, Gracie.” [/smirk]
Amph – I don’t hate you. I don’t UNDERSTAND you.. but I don’t hate you. So just back that train up, cuz it ain’t gonna fly.
Shes a frog from france, and her name is amphibiantron (or something stupid like that). I sense a troll.
Thats a shit load (a bunch) of lanugages, how on earth do you keep them all straight. Me, I can vaguagly speak a little Japanese, and of course vaguagly spell english. Speaking of Japanese I love the romenized version of thier language everything is spelled just like it sounds, unlike english was created spcificaly to trip me up and make me look “special” 🙂
Kabasue dame des ne!!
er that should be “watashe wa dame des ne”
But she is one of them cute fuzzy trolls with the tall hair, can we keep her pleaseeeeeeeeeee.
“Amphitryon’s surreal humor is the perfect counterpoint to Frank’s muscular sarcasm. It’s like drinking a good French red wine with a nice big American Porterhouse steak. Oooo, steak….”
And all this time I thought it was like walking thru the park on a sunny afternoon: A pleasant experience were it not for the constant need to avoid stepping in animal feces.
This one will settle all the issues about John Kerry’s judgement and drive dimo-crats crazy.
Black and white picture of Benedict Arnold with ominous sounding music.
Benedict Arnold was a war hero too . . .
until he betrayed his country
Morph Benedict Arnold’s picture into Kerry. Have voice over of Kerry’s 1971 anti-war congressional testimony (or anything else he says).
I poop my pants!
Edited by Frank J.
If you are The Future, then the world is lost. Bite down hard, everyone. (Tastes of almonds.) Americans, you don’t know what the f*** anything tastes like. You just bite each other.
First!
great post Frank, but you need to get into DU’s face more man! It’s fun pissing them off.
Btw, in your DU responds to parody post, you said that theyd contradict themselves by censoring posts. They did anyway. See for yourself
Once again you don’t dissapoint, Frank.. Hilarious! Oh, and always love reading the comments .. cute.
What’s that smell?
Rubber, the owner of Merde in France has a French name, so I guess he is French. He has become to be famous among the warbloggers when the Democrats tried to mess up on pro-war blogs. As for the dissident frogman, his mistakes are tolerated because he is a man. Never you would read on his blog or about his blog some comments that are written elsewhere about women’s blog, simply because it is more easy to hurt a women calling her bitch, troll or betrayer than a man, what ever he writes. (The first blogger who called me troll was a liberal and I guest that he called me troll, simply because that is the direct translation from French into English of the most common way to call a woman who has balls and an ideology that is not traced after the corruption of the medias.)
The Liberty statue was made in answer to Merde in France, which seems to me the most adapted answer. You feel it disgusting. I feel it disgusting too. There were more anti-wars in America than in France and when the democrats make obnoxious statements about the war, no one American reacts while you react after the French who have backed Bush during the war.
Those are street discussions, chit chats, but “Amphitryon that, and Amphitryon that” is overpassing once again the limit. Can’t you just ignore me.
IMAO
I comment on IMAO for few particular reason that I don’t have to explain neither to Jonag, neither to Susie, nor any one else and if you don’t like my comments, pass your own way.
What ‘s happen to you readers ? You are calling for Chromps and you are frighten of the little pee pee he has left on the curtains of the theater of (your) IMAO. Does this mean that Chromps even does not have rights for popo.
Its time to take the bull out, and ride it in a way that makes the democrats run after.
We’ll see then who’s the best on language and on strategy.
Jeepers, you compliment someone, even offer a little help and they freak-out.
How utterly French.
Whine away, amphitron – and perhaps you should keep your voluminous posts on-topic before you whine some more about being the subject of others’ comments.
Dixie, Rubber has only changed his mind to help after he freaked-out himself.
I thought that this post of Frank was calling for ads. How why are you taking the time to write on me or even answer to me while you don’t even answer to Frank’s call.
Come on girls. Want to talk. It’s time for you to have a wit. Let’s see precisely which is the profounder of your mind. You ‘re having fun, very well. Try to be useful now and make the fun yourself… To be funny, be funny, don’t take me apart. Fight on the ground of funny words, and don’t forget the purpose of IMAO. Not precisely to deal with females resents, neither mine, neither yours, but have fun all together… with Wit Rose as the perfume.
P-shit… P-shit… Mmmmmmmm
Oh well, I am waiting to see what next those girls will say.
Written on IMAO:
“So, put your own ad ideas in the comments section, but keep it clean for God’s sake and no more bickering. Also, if anyone posts “First!”, my new policy is I’ll change it to “I poop my pants.”
To keep it clean, we have to flush.
So FLUSHSHSHSHHHHHH !
Niagra Falls.
Monster Kabasue, Pinyin is easier to write and read than English.
Rubber, thank you anyway for the correction. I might change it for a READ, as you say it must be writen that way. But RED is the way how I am seeing things when getting mad on IMAO. Which means very often.
this stuff is less funny than a poorly written episode of suddenly susan. you need to learn how to make people laugh. watch a few simpsons reruns, you may pick up on the irony thats essential to being humourous.
In the pea pea K story, the good end would be.
“Good, good, good. Good night.
Poop !”
It has no sense without the poop.
Kerry is a Creep. The intern might be out but the sword of Hanoi Jane is getting bigger and bigger over Kerry’s head. Read this blog and newspaper articles about veterans callling Kerry a traitor.
http://hughhewitt.com/
It also has a link to transcripts of what Kerry told the senate commission about “raping, murdering” American soldiers in Vietnam in the early 70’s.
Hammer19, I am laughing my ass out. How why aren’t you laughing ?
Well girls, you see, it’s your time now to be more funny.
Good night… second round.
Mister Kabasue, don’t you want a real blog ? There is a good one there. I can help you with the script if you want… so I could comment.
“Frank, I must say that girls on your blog are all jealous.”
I am. I wish I could be as oddly strange as Amphitryon!
man, all the political talk on this site is so amazingly partisan its freaky. Have you guys ever criticized Bush even once? your all really not bothered at all by the apparent lack of WMD’s, which was the reason we waged war at all? Not bothered by continual displays of plain idiocy that are his speechs (90% of our imports come from overseas, etc.)? no worries over the massive 7 trillion dollars in debt we appear to be in?
Not that I’m particularly advocating the democrats, either. Dean is an idiot, and Kerry is…well…Kerry. at least Gen. Clark looks like he knows what he’s doing, but it doesn’t look like the smart one is going to go to the White House this election year.
Bush or Kerry. and you wonder why voter participation has been so low in recent years. Makes me wish Regan would come in and run again.
[Apologizes in advance for any perceived sanctimonious bickering]
Amphitryon, Rubber did not ‘freak-out’ himself. (I should know, since I am married to him!) I commented to him earlier that I respect your tenacity in communicating your views in a language other than your native one…I also certainly did not want to ‘boot’ you out. This is America, after all, and it is all about freedom. However, I find your English difficult to understand sometimes (that’s not a condemnation, but an observation). Sometimes I just don’t understand what message you are trying to relay. But, as mentioned earlier, you don’t give up in trying to relay your viewpoint, and I heartily respect that. And as to why I don’t ‘reply’ to Frank’s ‘call’…as I said above, this is America, and it is all about freedom. I have the freedom to reply or not, or to simply read, enjoy, reflect, and act on his message in other ways. Frank has a creative and intelligent comic genius that I look forward to reading every day. (Thank you, Frank!) I even enjoy your sparring wit, Amphy, even when I don’t really understand it,(bless your heart). Take all this as the compliment it is intended to be. And where I come from, the polite response is a simple “Thank you”.
Woohoo! 100th comment!
All right Dixie, freedom is your right.
“And where I come from, the polite response is a simple “Thank you”.”
I am not sure I have understood this one. I did not mention anything about where you are coming from.
I have been posting all day about the crap of dirt the democrats are trying to bring on the table, and as Frank asked to keep clean, I said all right… flush… referring to a previous post about nuking the holly moon on the Niagara falls. The rose allusion effectively was about someone who should have ought to bother self, but nothing about anybody. Just the P-shit because the day is about it.
About the liberty statue, consider it as a freedom… yes made of feces. BUT for children, feces is not dirt… They learn it is dirt which is why I wrote being and not to being, meaning also being doing something. There are two levels of the language.
Now, put the liberty statue into a news paper and put fire on it… The democrats bit it with the boots. Kerry makes his campaign about a Viet Nam statement, which is not really the actuality… and when having a discussion with a veteran, the veteran compares Kerry’s scar, which is a spot, to the line of his buttock doing nothing but pushing the door of a fridge with his ass.
Well, you must not take everything to the first range to understand me, or I will never be speaking English to you. I am trying to make humor, with the handicap of the language, but better this than no laugh at all.
Kerry is a real funky… the mention to the poop, is just to say that if his butt would be shooting, he would not hit on the target.
Try to change the word pea with pee, and try it with bullet. It becomes more funny. Then imagine that the pea is a real bull shit, and you’ll see Kerry sticking cob on his feet or taking fire as a donk ass. With bare hands, he chilies himself… well…
I am so sorry.
Frank Campaign Ads
Frank J has some suggestions for Bush’s re-election ad campaign. Black and white picture of John Kerry with ominous sounding music.ANNOUNCER: Kerry likes to tout…
I know it’s a little late responding to Jane but I just want to make it very clear that we people of Canada in no way shape or form FREAKIN’ SUPPORT KERRY. If I did support him, I’d vote for my own Monster to run my country. We just got rid of ours for the fogeddaboddit Prime Minister.
God Bless America
Amphitryon,
If you think you are too drunk to post, you are too drunk to post.
And if you aren’t flat out shitfaced, you don’t have an excuse.
So I don’t have an excuse.
Well, actually, the think is that I did not need to drink. Those smells of Kerry are hilarous enough.
Stadt:
90% of our imports DO come from overseas, the other 20% come from foriegn countries.
With French like these, who needs enemas?
What we have here is a failure to communicate!
LOL !
Dixie, I think that when we know the failure, we can communicate.
Regarding the failure to communicate, I can only say this: “Ita erat quando hic adveni”. LOL!!
“I’d vote for my own Monster to run my country”
Woot some one loves me!!
Joatmoaf, the weakness of America is her size. Take 50 % of the population voting Bush, and the market still working fine, which means that international politic on America, is all made of those who are the friends of America. When you see the polls of Chirac, try consider that Bush has more French friends than Kerry has. Kerry has got family, nothing to do with friendship. His mother was the sister of the mother of an ex-minister in France. I don’t even remember who… a leftist I quite remember, having cooperated with the communists that have been ruling Viet Nam… but still, the buyers are not always the rulers. Those who make the fashions are us, the sellers as we do also with the market. And anyway, all this is a politic, which clearly should be compared with foreign national politics. If you see France, its dependence on the America of Clinton is not good. That’s all I have to say.
Good night… I really must go, it is 4:05 in the morning there.
Dixie, I don’t speak a word of latin, tetapi, saya bisa bahasa Indonesia.
Happens what can happen, is that it ?
Advienne ce que pourra.
“It was that way when I got here.”
Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite!
Thank you Dixie. I got my cat to eat the bedbugs.
Amphi:
I agree the problem with America is its size. It
s not big enough for my taste, we need to start conquoring countries at the rate of one a month. Any faster and our troops wouldnt have time to rape and pillage the conquored countries. We have to keep the troops happy.Amphitryon is the new “genetic anomolie” more she is an inigma wrapped in and anomole…she laughs her ass out…as the missing link would mysteriously be able to do. Of course! She must be studied.
——————————-ON TOPIC
My commercial will be pres. Bush introducing her -Amphitryon- as his new Secretary of Foreign affairs followed by a short statement by her. Bush comes back in -close up on his ears which he wiggles- pan back to him and her- he stiff arms her out of the picture and says “but seriously folks…vote vor me” Down to one knee with arms out (Al Jolson style) he sings…”I really mean it …cast a little vote for meeeeeee” fade to black – A circle appears and Cheney’s head pops through bede bede bede Eh bede thats all folks.”
caption-Paid for by Bloggers for Bush
It’s entirely possible for some of our imports to not come from “overseas.” There’s not a sea between America and Mexico.. or America and Canada. So.. if it’s possible that we get 10% of our stuff from Canada or Mexico.. then Bush didn’t f*** that one up.
I’d like to see half the morons who criticize his public speaking skills address an entire nation without fumbling a single time.
Carrying Sarah G’s comments further… apparently the critic(s) of this Bush statement either believe there is a sea that separates our country from our North American neighbors or they just believe Canada and Mexico are the 51st and 52nd states. Either way, who is(are) the idiot(s)? Anyway, 10 percent is probably pretty damn close to correct considering the exchange of natural rescources, grain, cattle, etc. up and down the continent.
Sarah G:
That`s what I said “90% of our imports Do come from overseas, the other 20% comes from foriegn countries”.
90+20=110, Get it?
Joat – yep. 😉 I was referring to the person (stadt or some such) who was all “ya’ll are never mean to bush.” blahblahpartisanblahblah I just thought that argument was dumb on their part.
And whoever says we should expand our borders at a rate of 1 country per month.. here here! Maybe I can be governor of one. That would be fun. I would race Texas for death penalty numbers for people who do dumb stuff and therefore deserve to die for it. (Blue Collar Comedy Tour Moment: “Yer state is tryin’ to get rid of the death penalty.. Mine is puttin’ in an express lane.”)
Interesting Campaign Ads
The RNC should definitely get in touch with Frank J. of IMAO because he’s got some great ideas for campaign ads.
Someone even made a flash out of ’em! That’s great! (Note to self: Must learn Marcomedia Flash)
Jonah Goldberg of NRO al…
forgive me if I think your own speaking skills need some work. And if you feel that the “90%” quote isn’t valid, I’m sure there are plenty of websites well-updated with his more hilarious mistakes.
Forgive me if I still think your point is ridiculous.
Poor old Ms. Stadt:
The point is that YOU don
t get it. What, pray tell, did Bush say about the 90% overseas imports that is inaccurate? Educate us ignorant, knuckle dragging savages.t overseas? Are you also aware that as Canada might be our biggest trading partner itAre you aware that Canada and Mexico aren
s still not that big of a percentage from the whole?ve been of a fishing trip for over 3 years trying to catch Bush in something “scandalous”.Your problem is (and by "you" I mean you and all liberals) that you
Why don
t you clowns just admit that you dont know why you dont like Bush, you just dont like him.Liberal: “I HATE GEORGE BUSH”
Me: “Why?”
Liberal: ” .”
I disagree with a lot of stuff he does, but it
s a legitimate disagreement. I still think hes 10 times better than anything your side has to offer.Oh and Sarah G. you`re a gal after my own cold, hard, right wing heart.
Hello everbody, I am back.
Gibsonrlz, I am not sure I understand every senses of the story, but I will study about being a Secretary of Foreign Affairs.
who said I was a liberal? both parties equally suck ass, and if you think otherwise your probably deluding yourself.
Stadt, I don’t agree. Bush’s people are better people than the other half.
Frank, can we have an other round like this until the November ? Once a week would be nice, so we could have a lot more of fun.
Joat – I hope it’s a gun-toting, cold, hard, right wing heart. 😉
It depends what you call “gun-toting”, “cold”, “hard”, “right wing” “heart”
We say in France “cold hands, warm heart” which means that all the heat keep inside.
Leftist have “hot feet”, “large stomack”, “flopping belly”, “left heart”, and usually don’t wear their ring when datting with their mistresses.
Left heart, because they never stand to correct themself. Right hearts, who dare to look at themselves in a mirror, usually are open minded who see what they done to try to do better.
Holy Molie Amphitryon that made perfect sense!
I wil try to explain my “missing link” comment. I know now that it could not be you. Your heart is too right. But to my understanding as to how I received this vision is the missing link has to travel back in time and prove evolution of species by copulating with a monkey so we can all exist. If we could find the missing link that would be cool because that would mean we had a time machine too!
Last post explains why I might identify with Franks hatred and distrust of monkeys. Freud would have something to say about it I’m sure but he was a modernist and we are so far beyond modernism. All the experts say we are in the post-modern OR age of disillusionment now. HaHa Neanderthal modernists all of your heads are now crushed! See? I am disillusioned. Why doesn’t science have all the answers? They should have them by now shouldn’t they????
Gibsonrlz, do you think I am an ape ?
“Terrorists are veak and puny! I crush them! I am Ah-nuld!”
Absolutely priceless –
Only one question: Bush currently lives in Washington, D.C. – howinhell did he ever get a C.C.W. there for that Colt .45?
Oh, wait…He’s Commander-In-Chief of the U.S. Armed Forces in wartime, I guess he can go “heeled” wherever/whenever he wants!
Never mind…
Sarah G. Yes, I`m also a gun nut and war monger. I guess I should have mentioned that.
Campaign Commercials
Frank J. has some excellent ideas for campaign commercials. This one has actually been made….
A crowd of beatniks are beaten down by police batons and dragged out.
Bush: Now that we’ve cleared all the Communists out, are there any questions I can understand?
Reporter: Mr. President! Do you want to come on our hunting trip?
Bush: I don’t know how to shoot, because I never served in the military.
I would never be a soldier. That’s dangerous.
Reporter: I was in the Korean War and I want to say I think you’re doing
a great job, Mr. President!
Bush: I’m trying to kill you all! We’re going to war next week with Syria,
Lebanon, and Saudi Arabia!
General: Goddammit Dubya! The Iranians just launched nuclear weapons!
Bush: I guess I started it! Just like Osama bin Laden asked me to!
Bin Laden: At last, you have begun the war between Satan and Islam!
Bush: Wow, it’s the great man himself! You helped me swear off alcohol.
Man, I was a real wino. I was a drunken, sneering failure.
Bin Laden: And in return you ignored my hijackers.
Now we shall walk the glorious path of suicide!
Bush: Akbar Allah!
Bush opens his eyes wide as the bombs explode.
Gibsonrlz, do you think I am an ape ?
Posted by Amphitryon at February 20, 2004 11:25 AM
———-NO————
Opening salvo
Zach Wendling has some great campaign ads over at HR. Here’s Bush’s first attack ad (has sound) and here’re some