Archive of entries posted on May 2004

Our Military XIII

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I want to keep this feature going, but I’m nearly out of stories. So, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject “Military”. Thanks.

Here’s a Marine’s praise for patriotic civilians in Iraq. A great story:

I was sent to do some work in Baghdad and billeted at the CPA headquarters in the Green Zone. The CPA headquarters was an eclectic collection of people from all over the world -from Ambassador Bremer to the Gurhka guarding the door it was a strange brew indeed. One day I sat down for chow with three civilians. I’m guessing they were 65, 45, and 30 year old men (not guessing about the men part). They were from different parts of the county, but all worked for the Army Corps of Engineers as hydro power gurus. We struck up a conversation and I asked them what brought them to Iraq. A standard question in the Green Zone and the 30 yr old’s was typical.
He said – “They came around the office and announced that the Corps of Engineers needed to send some people to Iraq. They asked if anyone wanted to volunteer. I thought it would be interesting, kind of an adventure – so I signed up.” That was pretty much what most of the civilians in Iraq would say – a few would also add, ” and the money is good.”
The 65 yr old said – “I am the boss back where I work. I have been employed by the U.S. government for over 30 years and have never really had to do ‘anything above and beyond’ my day to day duties. I thought this would be my opportunity to pay the country back.” I hadn’t heard that one before and was a little bit taken aback. The 45 yr old’s response only solidified the fact that there are Patriots in America, and there not all wearing a uniform.
He said – “Same here, they came around the office looking for volunteers and told us we had a couple of days to think it over. I wasn’t really sold on the idea, and went home and talked to my wife about it. I imagined that she would be adamantly opposed and I wasn’t going to push the issue. I mentally ran through the list of reasons she would come up with and sure enough she hit me with – ‘you’ll be gone for 6 months, isn’t this really dangerous, it will be hard to run the household without you, what are the kids going to think.’ We talked briefly about it, she thought for a few minutes and then said ‘all those things are true, but we owe this to the country’ so here I am.”
I just nodded, didn’t really know what to say – after twenty years in the Marine Corps I usually thought of civilians as lesser mortals that needed my protection (with only about 20% worthy of it ). Even after 9/11 I thought – sure, there are a lot of flags out these days, and people are inclined to be a little more patriotic, but talk is cheap and a flag and pole cost about 40 bucks. Now when I see some old lady waiving a flag, or hear some trucker talking about what he would do to UBL if he could get his hands on him, I think back to that conversation and conclude that the enemies of America have no idea what they are up against. If need be – the 65 year old men and engineer’s wives of American can take UBL and his ilk any day.
Semper Fi,
John

DNice has some stories of some fun in Germany:

When I was stationed in Germany (1986 – 1988) I was in a Lance Missile Battalion. I had heard that we were the “most forwardly deployed nuclear capable unit” in Europe. We were 60 kilometers from the Czech border. (I have no independent corroboration of that… whatever.)
Anyways, because we had nukes, we were stationed out in the middle of nowhere (which is pretty hard to do in Germany, but they did it). There were corn fields as far as the eye could see. And worst of all, we were in probably the only town in Germany that didn’t have a train station!
When we went out to the field for exercises, we didn’t go to Graf, where everyone else went (a big training area). OHHHHH nooooo! We went out into the German countryside and set up the woods between small towns.
We would regularly have German citizens walking their dogs through our areas.
My first time in the field I was guarding the entrance to the woods where our Battery was set up. We pulled a fallen tree across the dirt road, and I was sitting prone in the bushes with my M16. A car pulls up and stops at the log, I jump out of the bushes in my BDUs, kevlar, and M16 and the guy almost has a heart attack. He rolls down the window and asks in broken English if the woods are full of soldiers. I said yes, then he picks up a shotgun… I freak out and jump back about 10 ten feet (I don’t have any real ammo…). Suddenly I realize he’s trying to tell me he wanted to go hunting and would he be allowed?
Another time, in the middle of winter, we got a visit from some neighborhood kids while we were set up outside this small town. We bribed them with camo sticks (the camouflage makeup sticks) and MRE’s to get us some beer. They come back with a whole rack of beer from a nearby Gasthaus. Awesome!
Then we got the order to move out the next day, so we paid the kids with chem-lite glow sticks and some more MRE’s and they broken down all of our equipment and packed up our tents for us. We sat on the truck and drank the beer. God bless those kids!

Paul from Memphis, TN, has another story about dealing with the Germans… though from a quite different era:

This one is about 3rd hand, but it’s still pretty good. My dad worked as a law clerk for a federal judge down in Mobile, AL who had served as a P-38 pilot in WWII in Europe. The P-38 was an amazingly versatile and dangerous aircraft (to the Krauts, that is). One of the missions that got flown a lot was tank busting — German tanks were highly superior to American ones, but the USAAF ruled the skies. The worst nemesis of Allied armor was the King Tiger, the Panzerkampgwagon VI.4.c B — the frontal armor was 150mm thick, which, for reference, isn’t too shabby for today’s MBT. It was essentially invulnerable to frontal assault; a King Tiger with a clear field of fire could whipe out entire batallions of Shermans or T-34’s alone — the high power 88mm gun was a killer. But the King Tiger presented a quandry for the air force as well: the armor was so thick, even on top, that 500! pound bombs had a tendency to bounce off. So, what the pilots resorted to doing when out on bombing runs against King Tigers, was to drop bombs on either side of the tank, and the concussion from the blast would actually FLIP the vehicle over. Sounds weird, but it’s true.

Abusing Prisoners is Wrong

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An Essay by Frank J.
It’s wrong to abuse prisoners. My mom always told me that abuse was wrong. When my dog was a puppy, I’d put her in a box and hang it from the ceiling by a rope and then spin the box around. She’d make a funny sound when I did that. But my mom told me to stop because she said that was abuse and that was wrong. So I did stop, but, when my dog was older, sometime I’d wake up to find her sitting there in the darkness, staring at me with this strange look in her eyes.
Anyway, just like it is wrong to abuse a dog, it is wrong to abuse prisoners who are people. I heard that some soldiers have been abusing prisoners and they are bad. They should stop. They should be like good soldiers and shoot bad people. But prisoners are bad people, so how do you know when hurting them is abuse? Well, if a ninja attacks you, fighting back is not abuse. But, prisoners aren’t trying to hurt you like a ninja is, so hurting them is abuse. Like, if you walked up to some random person and punched him, that would be abuse (though the courts would call it “assault and battery”; the courts have lots of funny words for things). Also, penguins are not attacking you, so seeing how far you can throw one is also abuse, though what the zoo will charge you with is trespassing. Plus they won’t let you back in the zoo. And, if the penguin lands in the crocodile pen, you have to buy the zoo a new penguin… and they’re expensive. And they’re hard to find, as they don’t sell them at Wal-Mart. So don’t abuse penguins. Also, another thing my mom told me not to abuse is substances. So, if you see a substance, be nice to it.
In summary, do not abuse prisoners… unless you think they’re terrorists.

The Limey – Episode X: Finale

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STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
Episode IX: Gone with the Lime

The Limey, in preparation for the glorious day of May 1st had written his longest e-mail yet and sent it to the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. American Frank was excited when he received the e-mail, but was intimidated by its size. So he decided to wait until after May 1st to see how prophetic the e-mail was. And May 1st did come, and, instead of bringing with it the prospects of summer, it laid the world waste with a bitter winter storm. Secure in his backwoods abode, American Frank typed his last e-mail to the one who knew only as The Limey:

The fool I am! I thought you were a savior, but now I know thee to be a harbinger of doom, limey. A pox on thee, and a pox on your four friends who obviously aren’t just you posting under different names using the same IP.
You were right, Capitalism fell on May 1st, but so did everything else as Capitalism had created them. There are no phones. There are no T.V.’s. The cities are rampant with chaos. What a fool I was to follow you instead of warn everyone of the date you specified, limey! Now the backwoods around my home burn, and all I have is my shotgun – made from Capitalism – to defend me against the roaming hordes of monkeys that have taken over now that society has collapsed.
Where is your socialism to save us, limey? No where! It brings nothing but despair, for all that was great was made by Capitalism, and only in its downfall have I seen its greatness. Well, as your home in Wales burns around you, limey, I hope you realize what a foolish child you are, that the machine you raged against was the hand that fed you. You are but a puppet of the sinister Fascist McFascist, and I hope you burn in Limey Hell, a place where there are never any crumpets to go with your tea.
I have not read your last e-mail; only bitterness would it bring now that America has fallen. I also have banned your four friends who aren’t you but use the same IP as I do not want to be disturbed by the mindless slaves of Fascist McFascist. Maybe there is some hope for you, though. Perhaps you could finally read the poem the Jabberwocky and see the beauty of Capitalism that I had temporarily forgotten, but I do no hold my breath, limey.
This will be the last you hear from me. I have no time for limeys as I try to rebuild Capitalism after you and your “revolutionaries” destroyed it. For I am American Frank, and an American never gives up. When my precious Capitalism is rebuilt, it will produce new and even better guns which me and my compatriots will use to hunt down all the socialists. When all the socialist are dead, we will drink whiskey (made from fermented capitalism) and play video games (also from capitalism). Then, in memory of you, I will throw a lime in the air and slice it in two with my katana (a type of sword invented by capitalistic Americans) and then stomp on one half and spit on the other. Then I will also stomp on the half I spit on. Then I will clean my shoes. Then I’ll play more video games.
Goodbye forever, limey. The destruction you have wrought is only temporary, but socialism will be a fool’s game forever.
Cordially,
American Frank
P.S. I really hope you didn’t believe any of that crap you spewed in all those e-mails you sent me, because you’d have to be the dumbest kid I ever encountered. Oh, and one more thing…
WANKER!

THE END

A Frank Guide to a Cordial Political Discussion

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Most often people will disagree on issues of the day, but just because someone doesn’t think like you doesn’t mean you should call him evil and kill him. That’s what Islamic extremists and the majority of posters at Democratic Underground would do. Instead, following these steps you can have a nice discussion with someone with different viewpoints and both come out of it smarter.
DO consider the merits of viewpoints different to your own.
DON’T throw out your own principles just to be agreeable. No one gains from that.
DO listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Try to understand their different viewpoint.
DON’T use the time while the other person is speaking as just an opportunity to formulate your own rebuttal.
DO try to find areas of agreement no matter how much you differ on an issue.
DON’T compare the other person’s views to Hitler. Hitler was a bad man, and no one likes being compared to him.
DO keep on topic. You’re more likely to learn from each other if you keep the talk focused.
DON’T kick the other person in the groin when he strays. He might forget what you were talking about in the first place.
DO make all disagreements in a friendly tone.
DON’T follow all disagreements with putting the other person’s head through drywall. That gives who you’re talking to no time to consider what you said. Also, it’s hard to repair the drywall and paint over it perfectly to cover up the hole.
DO agree to disagree when reaching a stopping point.
DON’T declare an intifada and blow yourself and the other person up so you can get 72 virgins. You both lose if you do that, and you should focus on finding one nice girl (or guy) in this world.
DO stick to your principles while still considering what the other person says.
DON’T pile drive the other person into a folding table when you find a topic you vehemently disagree on. Though it would be cool, it’s just not civil.
DO back up your statement with facts when necessary.
DON’T punch the other person through the chest, pull out his heart, and show it to him before he dies when you feel run into a corner. That’s usually a non-sequitur to the debate… unless the debate is whether you can actually pull someone’s heart out and show it to him before he dies.
DO make sure not to get caught up arguing minutia.
DON’T burn the other person’s house down over a small disagreement on a fact. Yes, insurance will probably cover it, but he’ll be less likely to listen to what else you say.
DO make sure to not raise your tone of voice no matter how heated things get.
DON’T silently lower the other person in a slow dipping device into a pit full of ravenous monkeys until he admits you’re right. Getting the other person to agree with you through other means that intelligent discussion gains nothing for either party.
DO be willing to admit you’re wrong if the other person is convincing. Admitting you’re wrong can seem painful, but, when you do it, you suddenly become right.
DON’T commit seppuku if you discover you’re wrong on an issue. There are other ways to bring honor to your family.
Follow these rules and you should have some nice, friendly, intelligent discussions. Hooray!

Our Military XII

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I want to keep this feature going, but I’m nearly out of stories. So, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject “Military”. Thanks.

John sent in some more military terminology:

Here are some Navy/Submarine terms
sluff- short little ugly fat fucker
non-qual- person who has not qualified in submarines. Lower than whale shit
buff- big ugly fat fucker
bug juice- Navy Kool Aid. Also a good degreaser.
midrats- late night meal
push button petty officer- A person that was given a petty officer pay grade because of their school and didn’t have to test for it
chop- supply officer
cob- Head enlisted man on the submarine (Chief of the Boat)
boat- submarine. We don’t call submarines ships successful deployement-number of surfaces equaled the nuimber of dives.

DaDougster sent this in. I know I’ve seen the first part before, but the rest is new to me…

USMC Rules for Gunfighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all … don’t drop your guard.
And just to be obnoxious:
Navy SEALS Rules For Gun fighting
1. Look very cool in the latest sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking very cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules For Gun fighting
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.
Army Rules For Gun fighting
1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear
US Air Force Rules For Gun fighting
1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what’s on HBO
4. Determine “what is a gunfight”
5. Send the Marines
Navy Rules For Gunfighting
1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Send the Marines

That has to be the fifth reference I’ve seen to the Navy doing nothing but drinking coffee. I really like coffee; maybe I should join the Navy.
On a more serious note…

I am Proud
I’ve always had serious pride in the United States’ Military. Great men with bad guns willing to do bad things for my freedom. Now, I have even more pride. I’ve never claimed that my brother and I see eye to eye on anything except the military, but he’s still a great man. I found out today that he’s off to Iraq and he’s no longer in the Special Forces. He left American soil as a member of the Delta force. He will be fighting soon for your freedom and for my freedom. Sgt. Marc and everyone in the military (but mostly him right now) deserve many thanks. So, something I never thought I’d say…..Thank you Marc….Please, be safe. Marc is very religious and as everyone knows, I am not. In this case, though, I’ll say that if there is a god…..Watch his back. Marc has the mind of a genius and the heart of a child…Let no one take this from him. I know he’s a very competent man and that anyone near him is safe. May that competence bring him home alive. Please, don’t get killed. I’ll have to join the military and avenge your death. This would end badly and with many nuclear weapons, so, for the sake of humanity….COME HOME SAFE.
To anyone that reads this I say, “Sleep well this night.” There are man and women fighting like hell for you and I to sleep well. To all those men and women in the military I say, “When you get the chance to sleep, please know there are people that appreciate you more than words can describe.” To Marc, “You are loved and sweet dreams, if that’s possible where you’re at.”
Love, your sis,
The Sicilian

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Piss-Poor Enemies, Useless Kerry, What’s Happening, More Excuses from Me, and Ted Rall Has Got to Go

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  • Is It Wrong to Wish for Better Enemies?: Stupid terrorists can’t even hold on to their own hostages. Sometimes you have to wonder why these nimrods even bother going up against us. I especially am confounded on how some think they’re superior to the West because of their religion. We’re smarter than them, we’re richer than them, we have better weapons and tactics, we have hygiene, our land isn’t nothing but sand, and we’re not overrun by monkeys, yet Allah favors them. Riiiiight.
    I remember the Soviets. Though we always knew we were superior to them and lived better lives, at least they could actually threaten to destroy the world. The Islamic extremists should learn from them.
  • An Outrage: I can’t believe this political statement Kerry just took! It makes me so mad and… Oh, he just changed his position on that; never mind.
    Okay, I should say something substantial about John Kerry, but nothing interesting has happened lately. It’s too early to celebrate, but he’s just looking more and more unelectable each day. Maybe the Democrats could do a Torricelli and switch him out for another candidate at the last minute, but who? Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey? America is in a war mode right now, and it’s obvious all the Democrats still want to be whining about prescription drugs and school lunch programs and what not.
    One day most of our threats will be taken care of, and then we can go back to having the inane be the top issues of the day, but not any time soon.
  • The Haze of War: Speaking of war, I’m really lost on what’s going on right now? Are we killing all the bad guys, or are we just dicking around? Things seem so hopeless at times, but many of the troops I hear from make things don’t seem so bad. And then what happens after June 30th? Are we just going to hope that liberty spreads from Iraq through the rest of the Middle East, or are we going to come out of Iraq like a bat out of hell killing dictators left and right? I know it’s not the Pentagon’s job to keep me informed on such things, but throw me a bone here.
  • Save Our Landfills: I did some major cleaning over the weekend, and I had an epiphany. They have a do not call list and are trying to make a do not spam list, so do you think they could make an “I do not want AOL” list?
  • Monkey News: It’s all coming together; in Commie China they won’t allow farmers to kill evil monkeys. I’m just glad I live in a free country where I can kill monkeys on a whim.
  • The Babe: I know we’re all excited to now see the modeling photos from SarahK. I was thinking about making this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest an annual thing like a beauty pageant, but, if SarahK does a good job (as I’m sure she will) I’d rather have one face representing IMAO (other than mine, I mean). So what should be the next contest? Maybe there can be one for artists for the best rendition of Chomps. Any other ideas?
  • Me Busy: Sorry I got like nothing today, but on Mondays I have no time to write for Tuesday. I could spend all weekend writing post for the next week, but I don’t wanna/ To balance my job, writing, and having some semblance of a social life, I’ve decided I need to have more focus, and thus, for now, I’m not going to pursue being a columnist to focus more on writing a novel. Someone e-mail Jonah Goldberg and tell him his job is safe… for now.
  • Excrement in Human Form: Someone who should lose his job – even though I don’t plan on replacing him – is Ted Rall. Look at his latest comic here and his defense of it here.
    Let me give you a little lesson in humor. You might remember my hate mail to Michael Moore I did some time back. The secret to the humor there is that I don’t hate Michael Moore and was laughing the whole time writing the piece. In Rall’s comic, you just imagine the bile in him as he puts his prejudices forward in such a disgusting manner; no one could think that was funny except for a few other moral midgets who share his view.
    Anyway, why don’t we in blogosphere do something about it? Rall has been a published idiots long enough. Let’s start a coalition to make Ted Rall lose his job. He doesn’t need to be homeless; I’m fine with him mumbling his crazy political views to himself as he sweeps the floor in McDonalds. Any idea on how to start this? Would is begin with a letter writing campaign to who publish him (MSNBC and Newsweek I think)?
    For the time being, I’ll keep my good humor. There always Emperor Darth Misha I out there to be angry enough for the both of us.
    UPDATE: Actually, Misha has who you should e-mail to get Rall fired. Check his comment section for a nice civil e-mail from Bill Whittle you should use as an example (bile is what Rall is, and bile won’t get rid of him). Also, Whitler now has up his version of his lunch with me which is a bit different than I remember it.
  • In the Future: Fellow ronin, I will have a new mission and target soon, so hold on to your one time pads (or, for those who don’t like that term, Vernam ciphers). Also, there was no way I could give a proper finale to The Limey for today, so that should be tomorrow if I don’t have to work horribly late today and can get it done before 24 comes on. Also, if I have time at lunch, I’ll try to have a little something more on my site today. Later, sportsfans.

Announcements

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I’m really busy at work, so busy I should probably be using my lunch break to do more work instead of blog. Anyway, e-mailing the winners of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest and everyone else will probably be delayed until tonight or tomorrow. Also, I’m way behind on e-mails in general; I do read them all, but I often flag them for follow up and then forget about them. I’ll try to make time this week to respond, so don’t be surprised if you get a response to something you wrote me a month ago.
Also, I’ll try to have things finished up with the Limey tomorrow. See you then.

May 1st Range Report

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So, I wanted to try out my little Kel-Tec I mentioned previously plus see if I had fixed my Colt 1991, so I went to the range Saturday. As recommended by many readers and especially Kim du Toit, I purchased an eight round Wilson Combat mag for my Colt plus I replaced the recoil spring with a Wilson Combat recoil spring and even put some Wilson Combat grease on the rails. The Wilson Combat mag sticks out underneath, making my gun lose some of its simplicity, but that new mag sure makes the regular Colt magazine (the one lying next to the gun) seem like a crude piece of tin hammered out by some caveman.
Anyhoo, here is how things went at the range (this time I remembered a pen):
First I tried my Kel-Tec P3AT one handed (the thing is just too small for two hands) at close range, firing three of it’s six round mags. It jammed a number of times, but it’s in its breaking in period.
Results (Sorry I wrote “clips” on the target; I caught myself later on as I knew some readers would get there panties in a bunch when they saw that improper use of firearm terminology)
Next I tried out my .45, two-hands on it firing 20 Winchester jacketed hollow points at 10 yards. No problems.
Results
Now I fired three 8-rd mags of FMJ hodling with just my right hand. Again, no problems.
Results
Time for my PPK, which I fired left-handed, first round of each mag at double action. Pretty accurate for my off hand if I do say so myself, but what you don’t see is how often the damn thing jammed plus had other problems such as the trigger pull not ever firing the bullet (no duds; just pulled the trigger again double action and it fired).
Results
With two hands on the PPK, there were less jams, but there were still some problems with the firing pin. I really like this gun, as it is quite accurate for its size, so I hate to see these problems.
Results.
Now I tried the Kel-Tec again. Still jammed multiple times, and it takes some getting used to its double action trigger, but it’s too early to have a verdict on the gun.
Results
Fired my .45 two-handed again. I’m going to blame my poor results on trying different styles of trigger pull (how much of my finger I put on the trigger).
Results
Finally, I put the target out at fifty feet and fired off three 10rd. mags of my Browning .22 target pistol. Well, if you count them, you will find thirty holes at least 🙂
Results
Well, I think my poor PPK needs to be taken to a gunsmith. I love that gun, but it’s malfunctioning too much for me to carry it. Some of it has to do with probably how I’m reacting to the recoil, but some must be internals. Also, I can never get it to eject a round by manually pulling back the slide; I have to pull back the slide and let the round fall out the back of the barrel and down the handle.
It’s great to see my baby, my Colt 1991, not have any problems. The only thing was after cleaning and disassembly, it almost seems I’m jamming that recoil spring in there. I think I should replace the spring cap with a full guide rod to keep the spring in place.
As for the Kel-Tec, I’ll wait to see how it performs now that I’ve disassembled and cleaned it myself. It may just need some more breaking in.
Happy shooting.

New Ad

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I have new advertiser on my blogads, Proud Zionist Apparel, with lots of neat stuff with slogans in Arabic. My favorite is the t-shirt that proudly announces you’re an “Infidel”. They also have embroidered apparel with even more slogans in Arabic, such as “Don’t Mess with Texas”, “Zionist Enemy”, or ones saying which branch of the military you’re in. Check them out.

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe Competition Winner

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Well, this came down to the wire. As I said before, the third place winner is only two points behind first place. Thanks once again to the judges:
Doug the T-shirt Guy
Emperor Darth Misha I
Harvey
Bill Whittle
Blackfive
John Hawkins
Glenn Reynolds
No One of Consequence
Me, Frank J.
The judges each chose their five favorites and ranked them. A contestant received five points for being number one on a judges list, four points for second, three points for third, two points for fourth, and one point for fifth. Each of the judges’ choices will remain secret unless they choose to reveal them (I’m keeping mine secret since there were so many contestants who would have made a great winner and I don’t want to admit I didn’t vote for them). I’m only going to announce the top five, but any other candidate can e-mail if she wants to know her final ranking.
Anyway, onto the winners…
In fifth and fourth place are the two lovely girls from the liberal Mecca of Berkeley who write for the conservative paper the California Patriot (Carissa’s latest; Reva’s latest). Having 13 points and the distinction of being on more judges’ top five lists than any other is Carissa, a.k.a BerkeleyGirl. Beating her for fourth by three points is Reva, a.k.a. BerkeleyChick.
Second runner with 18 points is the beautiful blogress Serenity of Serenity’s Journal. I’ve known her in the blogosphere for a while now, but she never said how cute she is. I feel like I’ve been lied to.
First runner up with 19 points is the fetching and intelligent Willow of The Whomping Willow. As one reader put it, “Hello Nurse!”
And finally, with 20 points, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe is…

Continue reading ‘The IMAO T-Shirt Babe Competition Winner’ »

In My World: Implosion

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“I’m President Bush, and I approve this message.”
Bush stared silently at the camera for a few moments.
“Dammit! I forgot what I was going to say!” Bush then shook his fist at the camera. “Vote for me if you know what’s good for you.”
“We might want to do a retake on that one,” Dick Cheney suggested, “but I think that new commercial about Kerry voting against military weaponry is good enough for now.”
“And I think we did pretty well testifying before the 9/11 commission,” Bush said, “It just annoyed me how Lee Hamilton and Bob Kerrey left early. I’m sure they got their comeuppance, though.”

“It’s great snubbing Bush to greet the Prime Minister of Canada,” Lee Hamilton said as he sat at a table.
“It sure is,” Bob Kerrey agreed as he sat down too, “but doesn’t the Prime Minister look a bit like an angry rottweiler to you?”
Hamilton stared at him a moment. “A very angry rottweiler.”

“Still, I’m worried about the debates with John Kerry,” Bush continued, “What if he starts throwing other people’s medals at me? He could take my eye out!”
“He might just throw ribbons,” Cheney assured him.
The figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “It is too early to worry about the debates. What may be of interest is how the public views you and your nemesis, the one known as Kerry.” Rove produced a scroll from his cloak. “When likely voters were asked what words came to mind when your name was mentioned, the top five were ‘Dummy’, ‘Rube’, ‘Maroon’, ”tard’, and ‘Trustworthy’.”
“That’s not so bad,” Bush said.
“As for your enemy, the top five words were ‘French-looking’, ‘Haughty’, ‘Aloof’, ‘Wishy’, and ‘Washy’.”
“Heh heh,” Bush chuckled, “Everyone hates that stupid Kerry. So what do I do now, Rover?”
“According to the ancient book of punditry,” Rove intoned, “Whilst the opponent dost destroy himself, the wise dost keep his distance such as not to be injured as well.”
“If I’m understanding that right,” Bush said, “Best move for me right now is to go to my office and play Mario Kart.”
“Our little president is growing up,” Cheney said with a tear in his eye, “I just wonder what Kerry is up to.”

“If I knew my voting record in the Senate was going to be used against me, I would have abstained on every vote!” John Kerry fumed, “That would have been the nuanced approach.”
“You were just voting to destroy America’s military might like any good Democrat,” Terry McAuliffe said.
“Everyone who is or ever has been in the military is a war criminal!” Kerry yelled, “Except for me… I’m a war hero. Too bad I threw away my medals.”
“There right there on the wall,” McAuliffe pointed out.
“Whatever!” Kerry shouted, “All this controversy is making me so mad I think I’ll punch Jeeves.” Kerry then socked his butler in the gut.
“Very good punch, sir,” Kerry’s butler said as he picked himself off the floor, “Would you like to hit me again?”
“Maybe later,” Kerry answered, “First I will consult with my League of Foreign Leaders for Kerry, all of whom I am happened to run into at Deli’s in New York.”
Kerry walked over to the large meeting table. “Here is President of France, Jaques Chirac.”
“That damn Bush ruined my ‘Oil for French Kickbacks’ program!” Chirac yelled.
“And then there is Kim Jong Il of North Korea.”
Kim stared into a mirror and worked at his hair. “Still not poofy enough! And it is all because of Bush!”
“Osama bin Laden is also here for support.”
“I’m just disturbed by all these contracts favoring Halliburton,” Osama said.
“And a mad mullah from Iran is here too.”
“Allah despises tax cuts for the rich!” the mad mullah yelled.
“Then we have Pol Pot’s preserved head in a jar.”
“Bush liiiiiiied, people diiiiiiiied!” Pol Pot gurgled through the fluid that kept his head living.
“As a very special guest we have Hanuman the monkey god.”
“Bush rushed into war and upset the balance of monkeys in the universe,” Hanuman pronounced.
“Finally, I have this letter of support from Saddam Hussein,” Kerry said as he held up a letter, “He couldn’t come since he’s a political prisoner, but he wanted to express his support and say how enthused he his by my dynamic campaign. That reminds me, I wanted to hand out a booklet describing my positions on all the important issues in black and white and sixty-four shades of gray. Jeeves, hand them out.”
“Yes, sir,” the butler answered as he brought forward a wheelbarrow full of what looked like phonebooks.
“By the way,” McAuliffe whispered to Kerry, “Do you have any supporters who aren’t evil?”
The Clintons then walked into the room. “No,” Kerry answered.
Chirac started choking. “I can’t breathe!” he exclaimed, “It’s like something is sucking the air out of the room!”
“So did you all hear about my new book?” Bill Clinton asked. He then spotted Osama. “Hey, remember when I tried to launch a cruise missile at you?”
“Yeah, I got a good chuckle out of that one,” Osama answered while laughing.
“I don’t need you two here,” Kerry said angrily. He then spotted a folder Hilary was holding. “Does that say ‘Plans for 2008 Presidential Campaign’?”
“Don’t be silly,” Hilary said as she hid the folder, “We just came here to watch you implode… I mean give our support.”
“Unless you’re donating money to my campaign, I want you out of here!” Kerry said.
“I’ll give you twenty bucks for that head in a jar,” Bill offered.
“Deal.”

The Votes Are In

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The final judge just sent in his choices, and the results are so close that third place is only two points behind first (a contestant got five points for being picked first on a judge’s list down to one point for being fifth on a judges list).
Winners will be announced tomorrow morning along with a new In My World™. See you then, sportsfans.

The State of Frank’s Stuff Report

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I’ve been meaning do this for a little while, but here are pictures of my cool new pool table. It’s a 7 foot Brunswick with a 1 inch slate (came in three pieces). According to the little placard on the table, Brunswick has been around since 1845 and supposedly even Abraham Lincoln had a Brunswick pool table. I bet mine is nicer.
Here is the front view.
Here is the back view.
Here is the stylings I paid a bit extra for. Since it’s in place of a dining table, I figured it should look nice.
Here is the cue stand I got. Since there’s a little less room on the ends, sometimes a shorter cue is needed.
I bought it new from Charlie at Aurora Road Billiard Supplies 1935 Aurora Road, Melbourne, FL. I think he treated me well (I didn’t know I could haggle, so he just took a hundred bucks off the price for me), so I thought I might as well give his business a plug.
Also, here is the gun safe I got Friday. That’s pretty much all the furniture I need for my house now. Next, I need to think about decorating.
Stupid plant shelves.