IMAO Readers, RightWingDuck here. Okay, so the media is still focused on George Bush’s Vietnam Record and are still refusing to discuss John Kerry beyond his press releases and glossies. Where is the research on John Edwards?
I have tried everything (except actual research) but cannot find reference to any military service by John Edwards. So I did a John Kerry War Story Embellishment – I’ve made some up.
See, I don’t see John Edwards as a soldier, and definitely not as a Marine. Air force? Nope. Navy, hey, I’m ex-Army but I have SOME respect for the Navy guys. Nope he didn’t quite fit into any of the standard branches of service..
So without further ado, I give you..
The Adventures of John Edwards in the US Hair Corps!
Hair Corps Theme Song (Sung to the tune of the Air Force Song)
Off we go, making them blonde and blonder
Sitting them high, into the chair
Hear the roar of the blow dryers thunder
At’em boys, let’s have some fun!
Here we comb, and brush and style in wonder
Those split ends, hitting the floor
We live with flames, and work with flames
Nothing can stop the US Hair Corps!
We join our hero John Edwards at a small medical outpost in Vietnam. The sun is starting to set on this dreary sight, as all around us we see brave wounded young men. Bleeding. Moaning. Many in their last moments of life. A young nurse holds a dying soldier’s hand. “Nurse, Nurse, I’m dying. Will you..”
In walks John Kerry.
“NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURse. I have a scratch on my arm. Owie! Can I get a Band-Aid and a Purple Heart please?
The nurse gets up to attend to Mr. Kerry. “I’m sorry, Lieutenant, We can give you the Band-Aid, but the purple heart has to be awarded.”
“Fine. Can you give me a bandaid and award me a purple heart?”
From the tent corner we hear: “Nurse. I’m dying. Can you?” gag. Gag.
“I’m sorry I need to take care of this soldier.”
“Why? He’s gonna die anyway. Listen, this scratch really hurts, embarrassing too. It’s no fun when you shoot yourself, no way, ma’am. Damn kids in loincloths. I’ll get them, and their little village pets, too.”
A young man taps Kerry on the shoulder. “Excuse me. While you’re waiting for your Band-Aid maybe I could touch up your hair. You look a frightful mess and I think you have split ends.”
Kerry examines this tall drink of champagne. He sees a skinny kid with long light brown hair – tied in pigtails.
“Who are you? And what in the name of JFK’s yacht are you doing here?”
The young man snaps of a sharp salute. “John Edwards. Stylist First Class. US Hair Corps.”
“Air Force?”
“Goodness no. The have entry requirements. US Hair Corp. We’re a top notch organization dedicated to solving hair issues.” He reaches into a mauve colored rucksack and pulls something out. “Here’s a brochure and a free shampoo sample.”
“Is that a rucksack?”
“Yes, standard Hair Corps Issue.”
“Hmm. Never seen one in Purple.”
“Really, well, it’s not purple Mr. Longface — it’s mauve.”
“Well, Hmmm. Nice brochure. Maybe I’ll take a cream rinse.”
Shreeks. “Wonderful.”
Our nurse comes back. “Well, I hope you’re happy! Poor kid died. Kept trying to share some kind of secret, not that I could hear because of you, Mr. Yakity-Yak. Now what’s your problem — oh goodness, what happened to your chin?”
John Kerry is miffed, “Nothing. I just have a naturally long chin.”
“Well, I can help with that, too! All we need to do is create some balance.” Edwards goes to work on Mr. Kerry’s hair. Five minutes later..
“See? By adding 5 inches to the height of your hair, we create the illusion of balance. Sometimes, illusion is more important than reality, I say.”
“Really? What are you some kind of Hollywood director?”
“Oh no. I’m just an average kid who’s trying to find himself. So I joined the Hair Corps to get some direction — and to learn how to cut hair.”
“Thanks kid, my hair looks great. I’ll be doing some filming later today -mostly just reenacting all of my heroics. Hey, would you consider running around in a loin cloth? I need to re-shoot some footage.”
Edwards blushes. “Well, I guess I’d consider it – if it’s for a good cause and all.”
“Thanks kid. If I’m ever running for President, I’ll make you my second in command.”
John Edwards beams with pride. A heavenly light shines on John as he smiles.
He’s John. John Edwards. Stylist First class. Hair Corps. Dippity-Do and Dye.
We fade out as we hear the theme from the Hair Corps Academy.
What adventures will our Stylist First Class have? Will wearing a loincloth lead to bigger and better things? Who else will this amazing young man meet in the steamy jungles of Vietnam? Is there a difference between Mauve and Purple?
Stay tuned for the further adventures of John Edwards and the US Hair Corps!
IMAO Readers, parts 2, 3, & 4 are posted at the new RightWingDuck blog site.
that is not funy
spelling funy as “funny” is worth a good chuckle though, given the context…
wow, did that blow up in my face… not ‘funy’ at all, not in the least bit… i should proofread before commenting…
LOL….I will have to start visiting your blog rightwingduck…that cracked me up. “Can I get a band-aid and a purple heart please?”…truer words have never been spoken.
Aobey did someone push you off the wrong side of the bed?
Hey Rightwingduck good writing!! not easy to live up to the high standards of frank, but that was a good post!!!!
Edwards had a deferment. . . no wonder they don’t mention it.
Edwards had the same treatment as Cheney. Funny they don’t mention that…
Aobey,
I see you still haven’t drunk the big cup I offered you.
What the hell?
What’ve you done with Frank?
You rhymed “chair” and “fun?” What the crap?
Poosh,
before you go off half cocked….
look at the other posts….
WHAT FUNY!?! WHAT AOBEY!?! HULK NO UNDERSTAND!!! NONSENSE WORDS MAKE HULK ANGRY!!!!!! RAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!@!
Jen did metion him accidentally falling off the grand canyon…i wonder if there’s a right wing conspiracy going on?
excellent!
Great stuff, rightwingduck! Keep up the good work!
Jen did metion him accidentally falling off the grand canyon…i wonder if there’s a right wing conspiracy going on?
I swear he totally fell. Okay, so I thought I saw a bear. Maybe I accidently tapped him too hard….lol.
Wow, that was stupid, I def will not be reading the rest of it. sorry man but you need to get funnier
Joey, read the rest it gets funnier.
Not everyone can be as funny /or the same funny as Frank J.
These guys have allot to live up too and it’s their first day.
Don’t be such a sour puss.
I don’t think Frank could have left the reigns in more capable hands than these two.
And if you have never seen anything at their respective blogs than you really shouldn’t be the critic.
there are plenty of Frank archives to keep you amused till he gets back….
RWD and Harvey, keep up the great work. I don’t hate you due to your not being Frank J.
I hope I have adequetly defended your honor.
One more thing, Joey ….
Do you even have a blog?
Are you funny?
didn’t think so…..
just another complainer….
go hang with the Clintonistas.
Joey D is rite this is not very funNy as much as frank or michal moore is.
RWD is creative and funny as usual. Much more so than his misspelling critics.
RWD, this is possibly your best work yet. Great job!!! :oD
Mikey Moron, is only funny (wierd and strange) because he resembles Jabba…sorry Jabba….how bout
I know.. Mike moron resembles Pizza the Hut
RightWingDuck, that was hilarious! Frank couldn’t have found better guest bloggers than you and Harvey.
Though now I have the US Hair Corps song stuck in my head…
Hey it cracked me up. I think it was funny. Though Frank is irreplacable, these 2 are doing a great job. Yay for that.
“….Shrieks. “Wonderful.””
I just get that Ren & Stimpy squeal playing in my brain at this line…
Good stuff Mr. Duck! Just ignore the ‘Negative Nancy’s’ They just be all hatin’ and stuff.
It’s all a right wing conspiracy if you ask me.
Just like those fake documents about Pres. Bush’s military service. Bet those darn right wingers planted them to fool the libs into taking it public just to make them look stupid.
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