Arafat is still dead. Hooray! But how did he die? I sent my crack research team to find out all the possibilities.
WARNING: CONTAINS IMAGES OF ARAFAT… AND HE AIN’T A LOOKER
* Poisoned by Israel: This seems unlikely. Last reports were of him going into a coma, but, if Israel had poisoned him, you’d expect they’d do it right and the last report would be of Arafat vomiting up his organs. Also, if Israel has poisoned Arafat, instead of saying, “The idea that we poisoned Arafat is ludicrous,” they would have said, “Of course we poisoned the filthy bastard! What are the Palestinians going to do now? Throw rocks at our tanks? Time to establish them a state… in hell!”
Those wacky Jews.
* AIDS: Rumors are that Arafat actually died of AIDS. Most people would take this to mean he was homo-gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but it could just be from him sharing needles while shooting heroin. Still, I’m trying to find a time he referred to suicide bombers as “Fab-U-lous!”
“I’m a metrosexual!”
* Ran out of Baby Wipes: Arafat always kept baby wipes nearby, but maybe he finally ran out, letting all those germs finally get to him with a vengeance.
Never run out of baby wipes.
* Injury: We kept telling him, “You’re too old to get in the ring!” but the dumb bastard wouldn’t listen. Oy!
“D’oh! I was stinging like a butterfly and floating like a bee!”
* Salmonella Poisoning: Arafat sure loved to wear tablecloths on his head, and some theorize that he grabbed one that previously had uncooked chicken on it, and thus got food poisoning directly to the brain.
* Morbid Obesity: Reports were that Arafat was eating four high-fat goats a day near the end, and his face was always smeared with chocolate. A lifestyle like that simple won’t last long.
Arafat being dead sexy.
* Body Went Vigilante: While his brain was rotting and evil, maybe other organs had some morals to them and decided to go vigilante, killing Arafat from the inside. Fight for justice, mighty spleen!
* Heart Attack: Perhaps all the shouting “Joooooos!” was finally too much for his heart and it collapsed.
“It’s all because of the joooooooo… AHH! MY CHEST!”
* Monkeyism: From spending so much time around people who act like monkeys – throwing rocks and yelling — it’s possible he’s developed a rare case of the always fatal monkey-itis! Monkey-itis causes people to shrivel down to a little monkey, and they eventually die when someone shoots them, mistaking the person for a monkey (everyone shoots monkeys).
As evidence of this, here is one of the final photos of Arafat while he was alive:
“The jooooos stole my banana!”
* Smited by God: Maybe God jumped in and smited the bastard. You’d expect things to be more spectacular, though, like with him bursting into fire and sparks shooting out his ears. At least, that’s how I’d make smiting if I were God.
* Zombie Magic Wore Off: Some theorize that Arafat has been dead for some time and kept alive through Zombie magic. Maybe that finally wore off and he collapsed to his final rest.
Arafat showing the advance stages of rigor mortis.
* Not Actually Dead: Prehaps Arafat faked his death, and instead killed and replaced Ringo Starr to fulfill his ambitions of being a music star. Watch your back, Paul McCartney!
Yasser Starr?
Sure sounds like he might have been subject to S.M.I.T.E. Did the government secretly build it without your knowledge and improve the laser to only burn out his black, dark, heart?
So that’s where monkeys come from.
You’ve outdone yourself Frank.
ROFL!! “the Jooooos stole my banana”. funny ’cause it’s true. and “fight for justice, mighty spleen” is cackle-worthy.
When he was singing, “You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful, and you’re mine” I guess he was talking about his blonde haired, blue-eyed boy-servant.
Man, his teeth are even more yellow than his belly.
I think a competitor to S.M.I.T.E. got him. Or, maybe Frank already has an system up and running and is just using the funding proposals because his tip-jar isn’t getting the action it craves…
OK, does anyone else think the resemblance between Ringo and Yassar is just creepy?
yes, they must both be the illigitimate children of some llama or goat with a bad case of mange.
DON’T TALK BAD ABOUT RINGO!!! He was one of my childhood (oops I mean my mother’s childhood)idols! He is a Beatle, not a monkey! Ewwww…did anyone else want to vomit looking at pictures of ‘er a fat man? Frank, good job…funny as hell…BUT DON’T TALK BAD ABOUT RINGO!!!
The viligante spleen reminds me of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Anyone read that book? There’s a scene just like that that is absolutely hilarious.
Last I heard from disreputable sources, a French doc is leaking that he died of cirrhosis of the liver.
He had one molatov cocktail too many, I guess.
If that first photograph is real, Arafat was poisoned. Or, more like, he got poisoned himself. Botulism is a toxine, kids!
Definitely the salmonella! He must have run out of his little bottle of antibacterial gel too (unless he drank it, which explains the cirrhosis).
“Ode to a lump of green putty I found in my arm pit one day”
is that what your are refering to Tex?
FWY they are comeing out with a new Hitchikers movie. They where going to stop production after Adams death, but Adams’s wife was insistant that they finish the movie “Doguals would of wanted to finish the movie”
Arafat was a Richard smoker. A real poopy poker. Sing it with me!
spontaneously bursts into an appropriate WEEN song, in honor of the dead guy
“Biddley bah boo, biddley bah boo, biddley bah boo bow!
Mister richard smoker, you’re a poopy poker
Chardonnay & cocaine in the spa
Cigarettes and coffee breath
Little boys on crystal meth
Tonight we’ll tango in the street
You eat dark meat
Mister richard smoker, you’re a chicken choker
Tonight you’re gonna let it all hang out
Pantyhose and Aqua-Net
Smoking menthol cigarettes
Tonight we’ll tango in the street
You eat, dark meat”
SORRY! Couldn’t help myself, there.giggle I think he died from the AIDS.
so if he did die of aids……is this what you meant by sending in your “crack” research team?
And in the news today, Arafat is still dead.
Frank,
Beautiful as your writing is (loved your dressing-down of Walter), “smite” is an irregular verb.
So the stubbly bag of excrement wasn’t “smited”, but “smitten”. And God “smote” the creep, not “smited”.
Show more pictures of SarahK holding the Anaconda, and all will be forgiven!!!
Dan