Archive of entries posted on January 2005

IMAO Exclusive!

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What’s it with Michelle Malkin and all her exclusives? I want exclusives! You lazy readers need to e-mail me news tips.
Then again, that would take me reading e-mails and maybe responding to them…
Oh! I’ll just make stuff up!

IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!
SECRET GROUP FORMED TO OPPOSE WHITE HOUSE NOMINEES!
IMAO has just received an exclusive memo through an exclusive source that is quite exclusive. Apparently, it confirms the existence of a special group formed by Senator Byrd to oppose some White House nominees and has as members other prominent Democrats such as Senatorette Boxer and Senator Kennedy. The name of the group is the Kongressional Konfirmation Kabal. Here is the memo as written by Senator Byrd and dated November 31st, 2004:

It is our duty as public servants to ensure that all members of the Bush administration are restricted to people of the white race. We know that Bush wishes to promote his negress and give the Attorney General to a Latino, and this we must stop! My initial thought were that we oppose Condoleezza Rice on grounds of her being a black woman and oppose Alberto Gonzales for being too Mexican, but it seems the opinion of the group that we need further reasons to argue against them. Thus, we should meet in secret again to discuss this. Remember to wear your costumes to hide your identities. Also, I remind you that our budget is small, so member Teddy must be more careful not to vomit on his sheets after his afternoon drinking binges. The number of king size sheets sewn together it takes to cover him are expensive to replace. That is all.
Hail Lord Voldemort!

I’m not sure what all of this means, but I bet it’s big big big! Remember to credit IMAO!
Credit it! ::shakes fist::

As Elections Near, Fear Swells

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The Iraqi elections near, and if they play out a certain way, they could have disastrous consequences for many. So many are planning on the outcome to play out as they hope, but, if things go differently, all will collapse for them.
Just think of all the horrible things that will happen if the Iraqi elections succeed:
* Senatorette Barbara Boxer will be so disenchanted that she will drop out of the Senate and go back to her old job: crack whore.
* Ted Kennedy will become even more incoherent and red-faced. He’ll be captured by a circus and shown in a traveling freak show through the red states.
* That night, Senator Byrd will wet his sheets and have to find something else to wear the next day.
* All the posters to Democratic Underground will be so distraught that they can no longer hide from reality of how wacked-out they are. Many will collapse to the ground in epileptic fits while other will try to post but end up just pounding at their keyboards like monkeys. None will produce the greatest novel ever written.
* The U.N. will become so irrelevant that it will no longer take up space in its universe. The headquarters will fade from existence. A few New Yorkers will notice and stand there staring at the empty space. When someone bumps into one, he’ll exclaim, “Hey! I’m wondering why there ain’t a building over here, over here!”
* Demand for democracy will spread throughout the Middle East, causing people to rise up against the Saudi royal family. Hundred of Saudi princes will be slaughtered each day which will threaten to end the royal family within only a couple years.
* Members of MoveOn.org will spontaneously combust, burning many important upholstered chairs.
* The media will struggle harder and harder to come up with convoluted ways to say how poorly Bush is doing until just collapsing into mindless name-calling. Eventually the New York Times will headline “Bush Is a Stupid Chimp Face!” before disappearing forever.
* The terrorists in Iraq will be shot by the military… well, more so than usual.
* I’ll do a happy dance, trip over my new kitten Sydney, suffering the 63rd concussion of my lifetime as my head hits the wall. Unfortunately, the lens cap will have been left on the video camera.
* Bush will hold a press conference and laugh that silly laugh of his.
Thus, it is imperative we make sure the Iraqi elections fail as so many people are counting on it to. The ones most actively working to thwart the elections are the terrorists insurgents Iraqi nationalists and should be helped. They are hard to contact to donate money to, but you could go to a local mosque and yell, “Hey, anyone know any terrorists here? I am not – I repeat – not an FBI agent.”
Remember what Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent democracy from spreading.”

Instawiki

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Checking my old e-mails that built up over Christmas and my U-Haul adventure, I found that Glenn Reynolds had insulted me! Why is that every time someone slanders him, he has to bring up my name (sure, all slander about him could probably be implicitly traced back to me, but still)? I just want him to know that Wikipedia is run by a bunch of little trolls living under bridges who stay hunched over their keyboards deciding what knowledge should be shared with others (e.g., if someone wants to know why people call Glenn Reynolds the “puppy blender,” Wikipedia is less than useless). Remember that weeklong debate after which they finally decided my blog was not worthy of an entry on their wackypedia? Bah. I still find a Google search more informative than using that silly attempt at an encyclopedia. Well, when my fame grows so large they have no choice but to add an entry about me, they better note on my Wikipedia entry that I spit on them and whatever they say about me.
OT, I always wondered what was the reason a rational, puppy-drinking person would link to Wonkette so much.

The Treachery of the Infidels Is Everywhere
An Editorial by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

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 [Ed. Note: IMAO is often charged with being “one-sided” and “anti-terrorist,” so, in the interest of fairness, I’m allowing Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to write a post uninterrupted on my blog to elucidate on what he said in his recent recording released on the internet.]

 People of Iraq, I wish you to know that we have declared war on democracy and all those who seek to enact it. Democracy is based on the right to choose your religion which is against the rule of God and just plain wacky. The interim government is a tool used by the Americans to promote this lie that is called democracy. We must be wary of this plot and not accept oppression of the crusader harlots and the rejectionist pigs. Anyway, did you see what happened in Florida with their so-called democracy with all those people accidentally voting for Buchanan? Surely we do not want that in the holy land? Plus, Crossfire has been on a decline ever since Buchanan left.

“That goes against all the teachings of Islam. Plus, it went right in my @$#% eyes!”

 The evil of the crusaders is not just in their democracy, though. The Great Satan comes in other forms, such as Taco Bell. There they give you a choice of what hot sauce, which is like having a choice of your holy book and is against all that is Islam. For instance, one day, I asked for mild sauce (the Koran) for my burrito (religion of Islam), but instead the crusader harlot gave me fire sauce (American evil). I did not notice this until I bit into my burrito, and, much like a corruption of Islam, it stung my tongue and was now inedible to me. Once, the crusader harlot didn’t even ask me what sauce I wanted. I got home and had none for my burrito. Ever think of having Islam without the Koran? Such is a burrito without sauce on it. Plus, all those beans by themselves give you the toots. Even worse, I once found my bill from the so-called Bell of Taco much larger than I expected. It ends up that the imperialist American pigs charge you extra for every single item when you ask to have guacamole. I’m not really sure how that falls into the religion analogy, but surely this is a plot from the crusaders to take all that we have. Furthermore, that green goo doesn’t look like it was ever anywhere near an avocado! For Allah’s sake, they frick’n put the stuff on with a caulking gun!

 Yes, the evil of the American crusaders is everywhere and encroaching on the good land of Iraq. It is a fight every day to stay from their corruption. The other day, I went into Sears to get more of those caps I like wearing, and an imperialist harlot crusader pig sprays me with a fragrance. This is much like how they wish to impose their religious beliefs upon us without our wanting – something that goes against all the teachings of Islam. Plus, it went right in my @$#% eyes! I don’t care if it’s from Calvin Klein! I can’t see, you stupid @$#%! At least ask before you spray me, infidel!

 And don’t get me started on the dog next door! It’s constantly barking and making nonsense noise, much like the infidel Americans, and I can’t concentrate on my terror plots. What in the name of Allah is that stupid imperialist dog dog barking at anyway? And don’t the owners care of the noise? I’d complain to them, but I’m trying to keep a low profile. When we drive the crusaders away from our lands, that dog is so dead!

 So know, faithful followers of the prophet Mohammed, that the corruption of the crusader harlot imperialist dog monkeys with whipped cream and a cherry on top are everywhere and must be fought against. First, though, we must stop the American plot of democracy to corrupt our ways. Then, we will drive out the crusaders once and for all.

 Oh! And did I tell you about the new propane barbecue I bought? It was only my second time using it, and the starter switch wouldn’t light it. Praise Allah, I was smart enough to have a box of matches on me since I know those always break; why do they even bother with them? I don’t know how all that goes against Islam, but can’t you put two and two together yourselves sometimes? Use your imagination!
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is a syndicated terrorist, contributor to the Reuters news service, and frequently posts on Democratic Underground under the name catmandu57. He is also the author of such books as “If You Are Reading This, You Are an Infidel and Must Die!” and “The Beanie Baby Rainy Day Activity Fun Book”.

Whatever Happened to Baby Roe?

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Does anyone know what happened to baby Roe? Norma McCorvey did give birth, of course, as slow as the judicial process takes, and I believe the girl was given up for an adoption. Did anyone ever track her down? Does she know that Roe v. Wade was all about how she should be dead. If she knows that, how does that affect her psyche?
Reader Michael sent in this interesting article that descibes from the horse’s mouth (former abortionists) how abortion was marketed (they knowingly used made up hugely inflated statistics) and the money angle of abortion which is hardly ever talked about. It has a number of stories worth reading, including one from an abortionist who was looking to adopt while throwing 9 to 10 babies a week in the garbage.
And are saline abortions still commonly done? Those sound horrible.
Anyhoo, for those not interested, I’ll be back to the funny tomorrow morning as usual.

Yay! I Wasn’t Aborted! Day

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The 32nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade was over the weekend (Michelle Malkin has lots of links and links to links), and I’d thought I’d add some perspective from someone born in ’79 (the “Coulda Easily Been Aborted Generation”).
Now, I usually avoid the abortion topic as I don’t like my blog being the place for serious debate, but I’m going to ask for it today. Only thing, I don’t want any mention of the morality or what not of abortion and abortion law, I just want opinions on the actual decision upon which most of the controversy converges.
Here’s the text.
Now, I have not read many Supreme Court decision in my day, but I did take a Constitutional Law class and did my final paper on Roe v. Wade. Basically, I ripped it apart for nine pages (which was much like shooting fish in a barrel).
Hells yeah, I got an A.
To sum it up, it’s crap. It’s a decision just pulled completely out of Blackmun’s ass (where are trimesters in the Constitution?). I know there’s been this silly controversy of Justice Thomas writing poorly thought out decisions, but nothing could be this bad. My best guess is that Blackmun said to himself, “The issue of abortion is very controversial, but I, myself, in my great wisdom, shall solve this national crisis by pulling law out of my ass!” Of course, his attempt to end the debate by fiat just inflamed things, but, eh, that’s just all water and blood under the bridge now.
Well, everyone give it a read (I think it’s a little longer than the Constitution – which it incidentally makes a few grudging references to), and write your own opinion in the comments. Remember, you don’t have to be against legalized abortion to recognize shoddy judicial decisions, but, if you really think I’m wrong, please educate me.
And, again, stick to law and no moralizing from either side.

Fun Trivia

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In Schrˆdinger’s cat theory, if you put a live cat in a lead box, throw a capsule of cyanide in and immediately seal the box, since you don’t know if the capsule has broken or not, quantum physics dictates that the cat is both dead and alive until you open the box and force the cat into one condition by observing him. Well, I just put a real cat in a lead box and threw in one of my spare cyanide capsules before sealing it up. Let’s see how the cat is doing…

Continue reading ‘Fun Trivia’ »