Bush dialed a number at the phone at his desk in the Oval Office. “Guess who’s still President! …That’s right: me, bitch! …Yes, I do have to call you ‘bitch,’ you dumb frog… What do you mean I should foster better diplomatic relations with you? What the hell do I need France for? I have Colorado for dumping nuclear waste in. Well, I guess I can use for dumping old bombs. Anyhoo, tell your terrorists friends I’m coming for them soon.”
Bush dialed another number. “Geuntetag and gesundheit, guess who’s president again, you stupid kraut… That’s right! Now say my name! …Say it! …Put more emphasis on the ‘dubya.’ …Yeah, that’s my name, and you better get used to it because it’s going to be around for another four, mo’fo’.”
Bush hung up and dialed another number. “Hey, you don’t sound like Arafat… He’s dead? Probably died because he heard I’m president again. Yeah, that’s right! So who is this? …Well, Abbas, better watch what you do ’cause I’m president again!”
Bush hung up and kicked over his desk. “Time for more action!”
Scott McClellan ran up to him. “I’m about to hold a press conference, and I was wondering…”
“I’ll handle this one,” Bush announced.
“I don’t know if that’s wise.”
Bush backhanded Scott to the ground. “Shut up. I’m president again!”
Bush walked out to greet the press.
“What is your reaction to how, during the confirmation hearings, Condoleezza Rice pulled out a Tec 9 and…”
“Shut up!” Bush yelled, “I’m president again! Now I ask the questions!” He thought for a moment. “Nah… that would mean you people would still talk. How about I just say stuff and you listen. First off: I’m president again! I don’t have to worry about reelection, so I can do anything I wan’!”
“But…” one reporter began to say.
“Hey, I wonder if any of you reporters can catch this paperweight with your head.” Bush threw a heavy paperweight at the reporters, smacking one in the head and sending him to the ground. “Guess the CBS correspondent wins. Heh heh.”
“I think you gave him a concussion!”
“I know I did!” Bush declared, “’cause I’m the president again! Now listen up, dumbasses: It’s time for me to put my unaccountability to good use. After I feel I’m done with Iraq, I’m going to start attacking other countries. ‘cept now, I ain’t even going to tell you people why. I don’t have to justify myself; I’m president again! As for domestic, I’m giving all the tax cuts to the rich… the really really rich! No one can stop me… ’cause I’m president again! And I’m going to change Social Security… even if I have to throw all the old people out onto the streets. Even the Democrats can’t whine their way out of that one… ’cause I’m president again! Then I’m going to do targeted missile strikes on people in Hollywood and college professor’s I don’t like. Some may call that suppressing freedom of speech, to which I say, ‘I’m president again!’ Oh, and I’m going to have protestors forcefully bathed.”
“You’re insane!” a reporter shouted.
Bush kicked him in the face. “Damn straight, so best stay outta my way! Yee-haw!”
A car sped into the crowd of reporters, hitting a few. The door opened to show the soon to be Attorney General.
“What’s up, Speedy Gonzales?” Bush asked.
“I told you not to call me that!” Alberto shouted back, “Anyway, I saw some people standing around looking suspicious, so I thought we might go violate their rights.”
“Sounds fun,” Bush answered, “You have your sombrero?”
“I keep telling you I don’t wear one, you stupid gringo!”
“Do you have your piñata bat at least?”
“Of course! Do you think I’m loco?”
Bush jumped in the passenger side of the car and put on some sunglasses. “Let’s roll!”
Archive of entries posted on January 2005
The Gate Has Been Closed
…But the clean up remains.
You now have to enter a code to post a comment. Hopefully this will stop the hundreds of new comment spam I get each day, but I still have tens of thousands of old comment spam to clean up. MT-Blacklist can’t search back far enough in the comments to get it all, so I’ll have to use other methods. Then IMAO will be sparkly clean and fun for the whole family (except grandma and grandpa).
Fun Trivia
I Rank!
John Hawkins ranks his favorite blogs, and, for the first time, he doesn’t exclude me on the basis that he sometimes uses my material (with permission).
That reminds me I’ve forgotten to do some linking while I’ve been sick. Check out Hawkins mini interview with Dick Morris. Morris is very astute (though often wrong).
Know Thy Enemy: Social Security
I may still be sick, but it’s my day-off, dammit, and I want to enjoy it by getting an oil change for my car. That didn’t stop me from tasking my crack research team from finding out all they can about Social Security.
FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY
* FDR created Social Security in an attempt to destroy America. After Pearl Harbor, though, he found it was more popular to try and save America.
* FDR celebrated creating Social Security by having a smoke.
* He did not celebrate it by having a brisk jog.
* If he did jog, he would have been easily winded from the smoke.
* Social Security is founded on the principle, that, because some people won’t save for retirement, all must be punished.
* The deduction from each paycheck for Social Security is listed as FICA or Med or some such crap. The reason they don’t call the deduction “Money we’re stealing for the so-called Social Security” is because that would be too long.
* That’s the same reason they don’t call the deduction “black hole from whence you’ll never ever see your money again.”
* If instead of the government taking the money you were allowed to take it and shove it up your ass, you’d get a better return on the money and not be quite as pissed off.
* I’m all faklempt. Social Security is neither social nor secure. Talk amongst yourselves.
* If you refuse to give the government your money and invest it for your own retirement, the government will send police to your home to shoot you… but it’s for your own good.
* Social Security is often called the third rail of politics because to mention reforming it will cause the Democrats to lie that Republicans want to throw old people out on the street. Republicans really do want to throw old people out on the street, but the Democrats don’t know that so they are lying.
* Old people are a solid voting block because they have absolutely nothing better to do. Hell, voting is the highlight of their year. Maybe if you just visited you parents or grandparents more at the retirement home, they wouldn’t be so quick to vote to steal your money.
* Bush wants to make private accounts where some of your money would be privately invested and thus ensure you get it (if you live long enough). Democrats are against this because they haven’t figured out a way to say “private accounts” such that it will scare old people.
* Right now they’re putting a strong emphasis on the second syllable of “private,” but it’s still not that scary.
* In a fight between Social Security and Aquaman, Aquaman would die of a jellyfish sting way before he is old enough to receive payments.
* If you think Social Security is sneaking up behind you, quickly turn around and empty your gun in its direction and then throw your gun at it. It’s going to steal all your money!
* If you are currently collecting Social Security, make sure the payment is correct, and, if not, go to the Social Security office and complain until you get every last red cent. It’s not like you have anything better to do that make sure you steal all my money, you old geezer!
* IMAO would like to retract that last bullet point. We appreciate every old geezer who reads us.
Must… Destroy… Spam…
I’m trying to use this codeword solution to stop spam, but I can’t figure out how to use it. I try to open the main tar.tar, and WinZip errors saying it can’t read the header. I really need some help here before my site becomes nothing but spam.
Once the influx of spam is ended, then come the great clean up…
UPDATE: Turning .tar.tar to .tar.gz allowed me to open it. I’ll try installing it tomorrow.
Fun Trivia
The Hate-Filled Lefty Goes to Bush’s Inauguration
Still sick, but since I’m up for a few minutes, thought I’d post this comic I drew last night. If the quality isn’t as good as usual, it’s ’cause I’m sick, yo.
Continue reading ‘The Hate-Filled Lefty Goes to Bush’s Inauguration’ »
I’m Sick, Dawg
Had a post almost done for today, but ended up staying home because of a cold. Anyhoo, you go to SarahK’s site for her dumbiversary. Was supposed to be her blogiversary, but she realized this morning it was actually two days ago. She’ll have her big post after work, but she better tend to me first since I’m sick.
Now I’m gonna try and get some more rest if the cats will stop making so much noise. Why don’t you guys do headlines in the comments to entertain yourselves.
What Do You Think We Want?
What do men want? Why in the world would anyone ask that question? That’s like asking what do dogs want.
“Do you want a treat? Do you want a treat? Of course you do!”
No need to make the simple complex. Of course, what we want, what we get, and what we need are often separate things.
Reader Request
T.V. for the Red States
Anyone been watching the latest season of 24? Luckily a friend recorded the first four episodes onto DVD for me and SarahK (we were on the road, then), and I just saw the fifth one last night (in HD with 5.1 – oh yeah!). A new character this season is Secretary of Defense Heller. In the first episode, when his hippy son rants about the military industrial complex, he retorts, “I’ve had enough of your sixth-grade, Michael Moore logic.” Later, after he and his daughter have been captured by terrorists (Muslim terrorists, like in real life), he tries his own escape by strangling one terrorist (remind you of anyone?) and shooting two others (apparently he knows his firearms as he stops to check the chamber of an AK-47 upon obtaining it). After being captured again, he tries to sacrifice himself to keep America from being humiliated by an internet broadcast of a sham crimes against humanity trial.
Well, hope he survives. Cool start to the season and still nineteen hours left to go.
Fun Trivia
The Crusades: Time for a Rematch
An Editorial by Frank J.
It seems that the terrorists are always complaining about the “Crusaders” and meaning us, the Americans. Now, I don’t know much about the Crusades other than that it involved Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman, but I did some research (i.e., used Google), and apparently the Muslims actually won the Crusades – or, in the least, the Americans did not win it. I’m not sure how that happened, but apparently pansy-ass Europeans led the fight which is certainly a recipe for failure. Again, I don’t know why that was; maybe the Crusades happened during the Carter administration. Anyway, my point is that this is confusing to me, because you’d think the terrorists, instead of constantly whining about “crusaders,” would be like, “Hey, infidels, remember when we made you our bitch in the Crusades?”
“Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I’ll gut you and your family!”
Now, I don’t remember much about the Crusades, as it was obviously before my time, but I think our honor is at stake. Thus, we should demand a rematch with those terrorist bastards – and this time America will lead the charge as should have happened before. So, we’ll march through the Middle East converting everyone we encounter to Christianity or killing them. Every American should be allowed to join in, even if you’re Jewish or atheist, but you still have to forcefully convert the heathens to Christianity or have them meet your sword (well, M-16). When I forcefully convert people, I love the line, “Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I’ll gut you and your family!” because it has that nice bit of irony to it.
Of course, the main goal is to get to the holy land and, just like with the moon, plant our flag there and declare it the property of America and America alone. Of course, there are some tough Jews near there, but I’m sure they’ll rent the area to us at reasonable prices. Along the way to the holy land, we should make a stop at Mecca where it is believe the terrorist mastermind Allah is hiding out. He’s always the one cited as instigating terrorist acts though never carrying them out himself. If I know people like Allah, he’s really a coward and will surrender without a shot. Then, we can make him sign a document declaring that “Jesus is superfly!” which will really disenchant Allah’s followers. It is also important we capture his second in command, Mohammed (a.k.a. “The Prophet”). This will be hard since all images of him have his face covered and half the people in the Middle East are named Mohammed for some reason, but it’s important to get done.
Now, once we have planted our flag in the holy land and captured Allah and Mohammed along the way while leaving a wake of blood and new Christians, we can say, “Yeah, now who’s won the Crusades, bitch!” And all the leftover terrorists will sulk off, because the holy land will let us easily kill them with laser beams from our eyes (I think; I’ll have to look again for that verse in the Bible). If any complain, hey, they were the ones who kept bringing it up and rubbing salt in our wounds. But now America will have regained its honor by successfully completely the Crusades unlike the previous attempt. I’m not sure what the next step would be, but I hope it involves loud music and beer.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Complete Works of Shakespeare – Now with Aerodynamic Holes to Make it Easier to Beat Your Kids With” and “The Five Monkeys You’ll Meet in Hell”.
I Save All the Fs for Myself
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has noticed some blog bigotry on my part… or has too much time on his hands.
OT, here are pictures of SarahK’s cat, Minerva, and my kitten, Sydney, fighting. I think Sydney looks badass in these photos. Minerva may have the weight advantage, but you have speed on your side. Go, Sydney!