Since the election of FDR, anyone who assumes a new office is expected to do exciting things during their first 100 days. The newly elected Pope is no exception. In the extended entry, I’ve placed my guesses on what the new Pope will accomplish in his first 100 days:
- Since George W. Bush has made “cowboy” a compliment instead of a term of derision, expect the Pope to start wearing a Stetson. Possibly a pointy one
- The Pope will release a new version of the Bible to reflect more modern language usage. For example “thee” and “thou” will be replaced by “youse” and “y’all”.
- Holy water will be clearly labeled “Atkins-friendly: 0 Net Carbs!”
- Also look for new “Holy Water with Lime”. Perfect for Holy Margaritas
- All exorcisms will include a free “God roolz, Satan droolz” T-shirt.
- To increase its popularity, instead of Lent being a season of sacrifice where you have to give up your favorite activity, the faithful will be encouraged to instead acquire a new bad habit. YAY! Fornication!
- Catholic Bishops will be replaced by more valuable Catholic Rooks.
- Mass will no longer only be said in Latin, but will include other dead languages like Aramaic and Canadian.
- Catholic priests still won’t be allowed to marry. However, they will be allowed to be incessantly nagged by nuns, which is pretty much the same thing.
- Sacramental wine will be replaced with Red Bull.
- Rosaries will now be made from yellow plastic and say “Pray Strong”.
- To appease the Irish Catholics, baptisms will now be performed using Guinness Beer instead of Holy Water.
- The Kennedy family will still be allowed to use Holy Gin, though.
- Jane Fonda will be declared “official urinal target” of the Vatican.
- Curb-feelers & fuzzy dice for the Popemobile.
- Doritos Cool Ranch Eucharist.
- All confession of sins must now be sung to the tune of “Ave Maria“.
- Or possibly “She Bangs“.
- Cat-blogging will be declared a mortal sin.
- HA! Let’s see Frank J. “Hail Mary” his way out of that one!
You could bet me I’m wrong on some of these, but gambling’s a sin. So unless you want to end up in a fiery pit next to Frank, you’ll keep your yaps shut!
Uh… Masses no longer being said in Latin was a reform from a few decades ago.
Otherwise, very funny/blasphemous.
“Catholic Bishops will be replaced by more valuable Catholic Rooks.”
HA!
Very funny, but for us Catholics gambling is not a sin. The church gets most of its money through raffles and bingo. It would go broke without gambling. The church of my youth had slots (think of it as slots for Christ) and full bar in the basement. So I can bet against you all i want while having a drink and no fiery pit for me. Of course there are many other sins to get you into the fiery pit.
Guinness is Holy Water.
Sanctified at least.
I’d bet… but I’m a recovering Catholic and that might just pull me right back into the church!
Mass will include dead languages like Canadian.
Brilliant!
Harvey (it is Harvey, right?) you rock.
Liked the Kennedy comment.
La cockarocha.
I have a friend whose family speaks Aramaic, so it’s not a dead language. But Canadian is definitely dead — the only remaining evidence of its existence being the trailing “eh” that once denoted righteous anger and now, in English, has become synonymous with slow wits.
“Sacramental wine will be replaced with Red Bull.”
Lookin forward to skateboarding altar boys.
*** Holy water will be clearly labeled “Atkins-friendly: 0 Net Carbs!”***
*** Also look for new “Holy Water with Lime”. Perfect for Holy Margaritas***
All these years of being Catholic, and I never knew Holy Water was for drinking.
*** Doritos Cool Ranch Eucharist.***
Could it be better than “Original Cardboard Flavor”?
Oh great…now when I wear my “God roolz, Satan droolz” T-shirt” everybody’s gonna think i’ve been “exorcised”. Again. ;-/
The Jews are waaay ahead of you on that Aramaic thing: Talmud, the Kaddish, the Book of Daniel (well, half of it), various Targums and some Dead Sea Scrolls. Of these I know that the Kaddish gets used liturgically, and an actual practicing Jew might be able to provide more examples.
Some Christian phrases do keep the ol’ time language though: ‘maranatha’, ‘amen’, and that quote from the Psalter which Jesus says on the Cross.
Can there be a public stoning of Bernard Law and the other crooked bishops? I’m not one to condone physical violence so maybe the “stones” can be rotten eggs and “don’t come back to Boston” stickers. If the Church would promise that I’d even support the return of the Inquisition.
Frank could ‘Hail Mary’ his way out of anything.The fact that he has peed on Minerva,survived an Idaho Christmas,and hasn’t been killed for catblogging,is proof.
Obviously you mean “Shebang his way out of that one”. Perl scripting will happen to be an useful art…
Wait a minute…fornication is a bad habit??? Uh oh….