Already hurting from losses of tourism in the wake of terrorism threats and hurricanes, Florida has hurt its job market even further by making the occupation of criminality much tougher. By a new law that just came into effect on October 1st, citizens are now able to meet force with force and also can presume that anyone breaking into his or her house is meaning to do harm. Originally, if someone threw a punch at a Floridian, the attacked was obligated by law to run away like a little pansy. Now, with the new law in affect, someone who is punched can strike back with his or her full mastery of kung fu. If an attacker draws a knife, a Floridian can now draw a gun in response (rock beats scissors).
Also before the law, if someone broke into a house, the homeowner had to determine the criminal was meaning to do harm and not just robbing before being legally able to even point a gun at the criminal. Now, for any intruder into a home, it’s duck season. Doesn’t even matter if he’s waving his hands in the air yelling, “Don’t shoot!”
“With these laws, breaking into homes is no longer an option because of the safety risk,” said a local criminal before I shot him to death for appearing threatening.
The already devastated criminal population of Florida may face yet another hurdle, though: another pro-gun law that forces employers to allow their employees to keep guns in their cars.
“Things just keep getting harder for us,” said another career criminal whom I also shot before I got his name, “Robbing people in their work parking lot has always been safe for us, but now that could go away too.”
Local Floridian Frank J. was more enthusiastic about the law. “Not being able to keep a gun in my car sucks,” he said, “I used to have an office right near a gun range, and I would have been able to stop there after work if I only was allowed by my employer to keep guns in my car. Yeah, I know the libertarian angle that businesses should be able to pass any rules they want about their own property, but I’m a Republican, not a Libertarian, and I want my gun!” Frank J. then shook his fist to emphasize his anger at not having his gun.
“Shooting criminals is fun! Yay!” added SarahK, also a Florida resident, before yelling angrily at Frank J. for something he apparently did wrong but was unaware of.
Pomoze Bog.
Ahem…first.
Pomoze Bog.
As a resident of the People’s Republic of California, I have to ask, Frank…
Are there any castles for sale in your neighborhood? I might be moving soon…
If only Ohio would declare open season on criminals. I need some new trophies for my inner sanctum.
…meanwhile, I’m still knee-deep into the bureaucratic crap to get a gun permit. Gotta move to America someday.
BTW, if you got some Republican politicos you’re not using, send ’em our way, will ya?
Ah, yes. It’s great to be a Kentuckian!
We’ve had the “Stand your ground” law since the 1870’s, can carry open or concealed (w/ license). Note that our’s a CDWL (Deadly Weapons)! That’s right, it’s not just handguns, baby!!! We carry ANY deadly weapon needed to ‘respond with approperate force.’ Guns, knives, throwing stars, blackjacks…it’s all good here in the Common Wealth when you’ve got your CDWL!
And none of that ‘Owner’s Property Rights’ crap either! If it’s not a federal or state court house or assembly house, or school, you can carry!
I’m at work now, w/ .45 pistol in my PDA\notes carrier, and a 6″ blade dagger strapped to my lower leg.
BRING IT ON!!! IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM, OR REST ROOM!!!
The way our Founding Father’s intended…
The NERVE of these legislators, cutting into the criminality market like that!
And how are the disenfranchised/underpriveledged/oppressed/marginalized sections of society supposed to pull themselves out of their state of impoverished white-christian-fundamentalist-religious-right-capitalist-actuated oppression, if they’re not allowed to sue the white oppressors they’ve been forced to rob – after their budget-cut-education-subpar-critical-thinking-skills (don’t you dare call it stupidity!) imposed upon them at the blood-soaked hands of the evil GWB – gets them shot?!?!
GET OUR TROOPS OUT OF OCCUPIED NEW ORLEANS!!!!!
– Hey, could I write for the NYT or what?
– MuscleDaddy
i’m sure that SarahK told Frank J. what he did wrong, but he wasn’t listening when she told him.
SarahK, Human males find it difficult to understand speech of higher frequencies such as spoken by women and children. (Absolutely true, I’ll try to find the link if you like) They can hear the sound but thier mind has a hard time decoding it. He probably thought it was a mosquito or something…..
I keep telling my wife that, but she just keeps throwing the garbage bags at me and pointing at the back door….
Here’s the link
i get outta college,im moving to florida. guns and old people! i love the combination florida has to offer! (note, my house will have a .50 cal set up in the front room and a big neon sign saying ‘free plasma tv and tupac albums’)
Not sure if I’d consider the whole “property rights” thing to be crap, eagle6, since without those you’d not be able to have any gun anywhere and you’d have nothing to protect
Sounds interesting! I think some people are more enthusiastic about the law.
This is great, my parents are moving to Florida this week. My cousins got held up while there a few years ago. So now I know my parents will be safe.