After much analyzation of the problems in the Middle East and all the violence there, I think I’ve come upon a simple solution: Remove all the Muslims.
Isn’t it short-sighted to blame Islam for violence in the Middle East? Isn’t, in fact, the culture in the Middle East to blame for much of the problems?
That’s a good point. There are many peaceful, successful Muslims who live in America (which is another argument why relocating is good for Muslims). Still, this all comes down to an issue of practicality, and the fact is it’s feasible for us to move a large number of Muslims, but we have no idea how to move a culture.

Just throw a dart and where it lands will be Mecca. If you hit a body of water, optionally throw again.

Won’t Muslims be resistant to being moved from their holy land, especially Mecca?
Tell me where in the Bible it says you can’t relocate Mecca. I think we can make this a peaceful move. Let’s use cruise ships to move the Muslims, because who is going to refuse the offer of a free cruise? We can fill the cruise ships with things Muslims love to do, such as giving them inflatable Jews to kill.
Where would me move the Muslims to?
I’m thinking Europe. A lot of Muslims have already moved there, so it won’t take much adjusting for the new arrivals.
Won’t we just have violence coming out of Europe, then?
Europe is nice; it will be such a relief after the harsh desert living that I’m sure all the Muslims will calm down and learn to be friends with each other without killing.
What about the Europeans?
We’ll send them to the Middle East.
Won’t they be resistant to that?
They’re a bunch of wusses. We’ll just slap them around a bit and they won’t put up a fight.
And you’ll think they’ll be fine in the Middle East?
They are kinda useless, so I would expect a number of them to die from the harsh desert living… but circle of life and all that. The survivors better learn how to get us our oil before we get mad, though.
And what if the Europeans in the Middle East are resistant to giving us oil?
Then we bomb the crap out of them; let’s not make this more complicated than it is.
Seems like you thought of everything.
I always do. So let’s get moving on this and get us some peace, yo.

“I am mighty!”

Hugo Chavez is making noise that he’s preparing for a military conflict with the U.S. Tiny ‘tator Hugo has trouble being that threatening so he hangs out with places like Iran so he’ll seem scarier. It’s like if the Riddler hung out with Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom so people might think he’s some sort of international threat.
Anyway, just in case a conflict breaks out, we should learn what we can about Venezuela. Here’s what I know:
* Venezuela is in South America. That means it’s to the south of us. If you take out a compass, whichever way the needle points, Venezuela is in the opposite direction.
* Venezuela is spelled with a ‘V’, and is the only country whose name starts with a ‘V’… that I can think of. Oh, wait, Vietnam. Venezuela is one of only two countries which name starts with a ‘V’. The letter ‘V’ is the Roman numeral for five and this Roman numeral is closely related to the least memorable of the Rocky movies.
* Apparently there is oil in Venezuela, or, at least, under its ground.
I guess that’s all I know about Venezuela off hand. Hope that helps.

I finally made a new video which will premiere tomorrow morning.
You can’t wait!

New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.
Intriguing stuff, to be sure.
Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal “lifestyle choice”. From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:
* If you look at your hand and notice that there’s another man’s hand in it.
* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word “fabulous”.
* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an “outfit”.
* With the exception of “orange”, if you’ve ever used a noun (for example, “eggshell”) as a color name.
* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word “manicure” is ironic.
* If, when you use the phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” to your friends, it’s more often as a warning than a punchline.
* If you dance better backwards than forwards.
* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides “The Wizard of Oz”.
* If you’ve marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn’t March 17th.
* If you’ve ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don’t remember the incident, your friends all swear it’s true, but they’re probably lying.
* If you’re familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you’ve applied color to your face and you weren’t on your way to a football game.
* If you own pink underwear that’s the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Tijuana and do some more research.

Wow. What another great week of IMAO blogging excellence!
Here’s what to look forward to next week:
* Part 5 of our 7 part series on whether John Edwards has girl parts where man parts should be
* An in depth look at what impact Fred Thompson’s announcement of entering the Presidential race could have on the global climate
* A visual guide to surviving a gay bomb attack
* A salute to firecrackers
All that and your daily horoscopes. Also, make sure to stop by for our fantastic weekend programming.
IMAO: The best political humor site… that you’re aware of.

When SarahK was checking out IMAO earlier today, she saw in the banner ad below the logo an ad for HamNation (new one up now of MKH visiting the the liberal Take Back America conference) that included a quote from me about Mary Katharine (Suparstar!) Ham that had SarahK laughing for quite a bit. And what I said is completely true with no exaggeration, so keep a look out for it.
In other video stuff, here’s a funny little satire ad for Hillary Clinton. I hope to put some time aside to make some more video eventually, but I think my best one was the one didn’t actually have any video in it.

Many of you probably don’t like the government much right now, but never forget that we need a government. Without a government, what would stopping me from shooting you in the face? Nothing but the trigger pull weight on my gun. I always want to shoot anybody who looks at me in the face, but as long as there’s a government out there to retaliate, I have to think twice about it.
So never give up on the government; it’s what keeps me from shooting you in the face.